"Sawyer," my voice wobbles with panic. I take a step toward him. "Please."
I've never seen him look at me like that. I've never seen that kind of hurt and anger shining through his eyes. Not when they've only ever looked at me with so much love and kindness—things I didn't even know I took for granted until this moment. The moment I'm about to lose all of it.
"Sy," Jenny whispers again. Her face crumples. "Tell me she's lying. Tell me this is a misunderstanding. Please say something."
"How can you even say that, Mom?" Audrey scowls but I see the fear in her eyes too. "Of course she's lying. We barely know her. Sy would never lie to us!"
But Sawyer still won't look at them. He won't take his eyes off me. I would love it if I couldn't see the hate in them.
"Sawyer," I try again and take another step toward him. My chest heaves and I start to lose grasp of my lungs. "Please let me explain."
He still doesn't say anything. I want him to react, even if it means yelling at me or accusing me of whatever any sane person would do in this situation. I know how this looks. I know the things he's probably thinking. That I went behind his back and told my mother the truth about him. That I broke his trust.
Instead of acknowledging all that, acknowledging me, he finally breaks hold of our stare. The expression on his face grows solemn when he finds the entire venue looking at him like he's the act of the hour. My heart sinks even further.
"Come on," he finally says in a quiet and gruff voice. But not to me. To Jenny and Audrey who are still watching him eagerly for answers. "Let's go to the car."
My stomach drops and I strangle out, "You're leaving?"
Nothing. No final look. No reply.
He just guides his family away and leaves me to watch his retreating back as my heart tears itself into pieces. I feel every slice like a war wound, deep and inflicting pain that I'll probably remember forever. Nothing has ever hurt like this before. Absolutely nothing.
So I do the only thing I can do as a human—look for somewhere to place the blame so I don't have to feel accountability for the situation either.
"What is wrong with you?" I throw my mother's way through gritted teeth.
I've never taken this tone with her before but I'll be damned if even after all that, I'm going to play the part of a blindingly respectful and dutiful daughter. She doesn't deserve that right now. Not after what she did. And for once she needs to realize that.
I don't want to say more with everyone around. Our audience is torn between watching Sawyer walk away and mine and my mother's ongoing battle. Embarrassment and pure shame force my legs to move and take me out of here.
I catch a glimpse of those watching me—my friends, my father, who I didn't even know was here and didn't bother stepping in as usual—all watching me with wary and confused and sympathetic expressions.
Dad tries to take a step towards me but I quickly shake my head in a silent ask not to be followed and run the rest of the way out of the venue. He can stay as invisible as he always wants to be.
I can't be in there, claustrophobic. It already feels like I'm suffocating on the inside.
And it takes a couple of minutes in the cool air outside to realize why I can't seem to get a handle on my breathing right now. I'd come to depend so much on Sawyer to guide me through these attacks. His calming demure, his reassuring words, his gentle touch. The fact that I don't have it and may never have it again is enough to excel the inconsistency in my breathing. It feels like I'll never be able to catch my breath.
"Harper," my mother's voice finds me somewhere though my haze. It sound muffled, like she's underwater, and it hurts my head. "You can't run from this conversation. Answer my question—are you dating a married man?"
I don't answer her. I stare straight ahead without seeing. I'm vaguely aware of the open road and streetlights in front of me but none of it makes sense. I can't process any of it. It's like looking at the picture on the puzzle box and knowing what it is but not knowing which pieces to put together. It's equal parts overwhelming and overstimulating.
"Harper," my mother snaps again. "Are you going to ignore what just happened?"
"Shut up," I mumble under my breath, putting a hand to my sickly stomach and panting.
I probably shouldn't be talking. All the oxygen I put out, I don't know how to pull back in. I don't know how to stop this feeling. It's like I'm rising out of my body and watching everything happen to me but not feeling any of it. I can't feel my own breathing so how do I get it under control?
"Pardon me?" I've never heard Mom sound so scandalized. It's probably because I've never told her to shut up.
A little hysterical giggle crawls out of me at the thought. How have I never told my mother to shut up before? She's done so many things that warranted that exact response. How did it take this—ruining the only real relationship I ever had and breaking my heart—for me to say it to her? It's comical and I can't stop laughing.
"What on earth is wrong with you?" I can hear her disbelief. "You're making a scene."
And once again, that's what it narrows down to. What will everyone else think? Never mind that she tore my relationship in half and shredded the man I love into pieces. Never mind that I'm clearly lurched over and gasping for air because the harder I laugh, the more breath I lose. Breaths that I don't know how to get back because Sawyer isn't here to help me and he walked away thinking I betrayed him and ohmygod I've lost him forever.
Like a switch, the laughs turn into sobs. Sobs that come from deep inside me because it's too much. The pain my mother caused me, the pain of Sawyer walking away from me, the pain of not knowing how to fucking breathe when it should come to me as easy as the day I was born. Everything fell apart so fast and it hurts. I cry for all of it.
"Harper—" I hear Dad's voice. Now he wants to show up? Now he wants to get involved?"
I snap.
"Shut up!" I scream and turn around, still bent over and panting, moving back from my parents. They watch me with wide eyes. "Just shut up! You've already said more than you should have so I beg you—Shut. Up!"
Mom's wide eyes look side to side, still focused on everyone else but me. Still caring about everyone else but me. What will it take for me to matter to my own mother?
"Is that any way to talk to your mother—" she starts but I'm done. I'm so done.
"It is, actually," I explode on her, gasping. My eyes are starting to darken but I don't care. I push when I should relax. I continue to break when I should repair. I hurt because that's what I deserve. "It's exactly how I should be talking to you because maybe then you'd have the goddamn sense to know when to quit! It's never enough for you, is it? I'll never be enough. And you'll never let me forget it."
"How is this my fault? Am I the one that chose adultery? Did I force you to leave law? You made these poor decisions all on your own and you have the gall to be upset like any parent wouldn't be disappointed."
"It's fine to be disappointed, Mom. I never claimed to be your pride child. But you realize that just because I'm not what you expected, doesn't mean you can disrespect me at every turn in my life?"
"Oh, the mouth on you," she claims, clearly at a loss as she stares at me like she's never seen me before. "I should have never brought you here from China. Your generation has no concept of respecting elders."
"Like getting pregnant at eighteen and out of wedlock was respectful too?" I ask. She sucks in a harsh breath. I've never gone there before but since I'm here, I'm not sure it's all that scary anymore. "Clearly being raised in China doesn't teach you everything."
"Harper," Dad snaps. "That is way out of line."
"Look at that," I mock bitterly. "He can say something."
"You think you've made a point?" Mom demands, her voice shaking. "All you've done is prove mine."
"And all you've done is miss all of mine! And, you know, I've never understood why. Wài Gōng passed before he ever forgave you and you never got your relationship with your parents back. How can you constantly sabotage ours knowing that?"
"Don't you dare mention him—"
"Why? It doesn't hurt me. You barely talked about him, or Wài Pó. I don't really know them. I don't really know our culture or our language. You left me with pieces of who I'm supposed to be and expected me to fill in the gaps all on my own. You set me up for failure while expecting the perfect Chinese daughter but you never taught me. I never stood a chance."
She laughs but nothing is funny about this. "Oh, what a typical answer, Harper Davis. Crying wolf for your mistakes and blaming it on your parents instead of taking responsibility!"
"You want to talk about taking responsibility? You never taught me how to do that either, because you never did it a damn day in your life!"
Her face reddens. "I am not responsible for your choices—"
"But you were responsible for not kicking me down when I made them! You're my fucking parent, Mom, not my bully!"
"Watch your mouth—"
"I don't give a shit—"
"How on earth did I raise such an ignorant child—"
"Raising me means being there for me which you hardly were—"
"I sacrificed everything for you just for you to turn out like this—"
"And maybe that's because you weren't ready to have a child and chose to have me anyway! That was the real mistake!"
"Fine!" She explodes, eyes wild like I've never seen them. She takes one menacing step forward when she chooses to drop the bomb on me. "You don't want to be my daughter? You want to be the mistake I should have corrected? Then you're not my daughter. Don't ever speak to me again!"
"Gladly!" I scream back, even though my heart shatters. Even though she took what was left of it and yanked it out, ripped it to shreds, and left my chest hollow. So hollow.
Maybe that's what this feeling is. The feeling of trying to reach for my breaths and coming up short. It's like there's nothing inside of me. No heart or lungs or organs to help. I'm numb, breathless, like I'm made of nothing at all. I even welcome it because anything would be better than feeling. I don't want to know what I'd be feeling if I could feel right now.
"That's enough," I hear a menacing growl. I don't know who it is. I've already turned my back to my mother so she can't see me crying. I'm sure she knows because the sobs that leave me are low and guttural. "Collect yourself and leave the premises. You are no longer welcome here."
I'm sure my mother gives a snooty response back but I don't hear it. Everything sounds muffled except for the ringing in my ears. I can't hear or think. I can't even see and I'm pretty sure that has something to do with the dizziness I feel because I still can't breathe.
Deep breaths. In and out. Just follow me, Tink.
I try. I try so hard to think of what he'd say to me right now. I try so hard to imagine him here beside me, with me, to make everything seem okay even if it's not.
It's not okay because he's not here.
Another loud sob wrenches out of me and my legs give out, my knees scraping against the pavement. I let myself fall against it because I can't hold myself up anymore. I can barely hold myself together.
What did I do to deserve a parent that doesn't like me? I think all parents love their child on some molecular or biological level but I don't think all parents like their child. I don't think all parents want to be around their child, are interested in their child, choose their child over everyone else, because that's what parents do when they actually like their child.
I tried everything to get my mother to like me. I listened to her every word, followed her every rule, let her dictate every point in my life, even though it meant that I'd never have freedom or individuality or security. Now I know it was all for nothing.
Part of me wonders if I should have said all that to her. Part of me is screaming that I should have kept quiet because I knew the day we fought, it would be the end of our fragile and barely existent relationship. But another part of me feels relief and finality because the truth is out. She never wanted me as a daughter and she finally admit it. She finally admit what we both already knew.
But that doesn't mean it doesn't make my whole body ache so badly that I wish I didn't exist.
"Oh, honey," I hear whispered as a pair of arms come around me. "Shh. We're going to take care of you. You're going to be okay."
I want to believe that. But how can that be true if he isn't here?
"Sawyer," I cry, ache as I say his name. Shudders wrack my body. "Bring him back. Please. T-tell him to come back."
There's a lull. Murmurs and whispers and words like "left already" and "wouldn't hear us out" and "needs space." It confirms what I already knew:
It's too late. I've lost him for good.
"Oh, God," I groan as my chest cinches with pain. It tightens as if pulled like two strings of a hoodie, my heart collapsing into itself until the once wide hole is replaced with a much smaller one that doesn't allow anything through. "I c-can't b-breathe. Please."
Blood rushes to my head. To my ears. Everything spins. I can hear my own pants as if I'm whispering them to myself. My body shudders and shakes and trembles. My mouth hangs open but nothing comes out and nothing goes in. I feel trapped. Stuck. Afraid.
"Harper?" It sounds muffled and panicked. "Call an ambulance! She's passing out!"
Is that what that is? The urge to fall knowing nothing but darkness is going to greet me?
It would sound terrifying if I had anything lose. But I've already lost everything I ever cared about so maybe this is exactly what I need. Maybe it's why I give in, let myself fall, sink, or whatever my body is coaxing me to do.
I let go because there's nothing to hang on to anymore.
And the terrifying darkness actually feels like relief.
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A/N
At the expense of sounding emo, this chapter made me want to j*mp in front of a car LOL who can relate <3
I KNOW THIS ISN'T THE SILLY GOOFY FUN VIBES WE WANTED AND I'M SORRY OKAY. But there's lots of character and plot development around the corner and I promise it isn't in vain. Is it even a book of mine if I don't make y'all cry at least once or twice??
Any theories on how this will be resolved? I'd love to hear what you guys come up with!
Please VOTE, comment, and share if you liked this chapter!
Happy Reading :)