CHRISTIAN IRWIN
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"Then maybe we should take a break."
They say it takes longer for your heart to accept something that your brain already knows. My heart didn't merely stop beating or drop after that sentence. It completely shattered.
"Dude slow the fuck down." Dallas plead from the passenger seat. My hold on the steering wheel became more firm. "Christian..."
"Stop talking, Dallas. Fuck!" I yelled out. I felt awful after saying that. I felt awful for grabbing him by his collar. I feel awful for Kelani.
My vision is completely obscured by the rain and the water that is filling my eyes. "Fuck I can't breathe." I put my hand on my chest and grit my teeth. "It hurts." I pull over on the side of the road.
"Because I want to do this. I can't let someone get in the way."
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." I sob over and over again.
Dallas immediately puts the jeep in park for me and scans the area.
"I can't breathe." I repeat. "Why, why did she do it." I swallow holding back my tears.
I've never been like this, over a girl. I've always shrugged it off, I never cared about someone leaving me, someone walking out of my life but Kelani; she's a special girl, a girl you can't forget.
I hold my head in my hands. I feel Dallas's eyes on me, I'm crying. "Ah fuck my heart aches right now." I struggle to say through sobs. "Breathe. Come on, breathe in and out. You're okay, I swear you're okay." Dallas consoles, "It's okay, everything will be alright." He continues as he pats my back.
What is this?
I breathe in and out just like he instructed, but as I attempt to take a deep breathe, my body trembles.
"It hurts, Dallas."
"What hurts?"
"Everything. I should've been more protective over her, especially with Blake around." I struggle to breathe. "She fell back into the place she didn't want to be, again."
He lets out a breath, "Okay, Christian, please try again." My body trembles as I attempt again and again. My heart eventually starts to slow down. I manage to get my breathing under control.
"I want to see her." That's all I wanted.
"Christian you can't." He grumbled, "Give her time. You need time."
"What if she hates me because of this, what if she hates me because I tried holding her back from what she wanted to do?" My handshakes as I reach for a water bottle.
Dallas shakes his head, "Don't even fucking say that she loves you, Chris. She never sugar coats shit like that, and I know that for a fact. One thing about Kelani is that if she doesn't like you, she'll tell you." He stops for a second, "She's told you many times that she loves you."
I let his sentence repeat over and over in my head.
The rain is soothing, it's making me feel even better. I don't know how I managed before, but I can't live without her.
"Do you think," I let out a shaky breath, "We should've just stay friends."
"You ever took a shit and thought about shoving it back into your ass?"
I was speechless. "What-no? What connection does that have to what I just said?"
"It's bullshit."
I nod my head; I inhale and exhale. I had no trouble breathing.
Dallas says as he opens the door, "Let me drive." He takes the keys and walks over while I do the same.
In this scenario, I felt like the villain. Truth be told, I didn't anticipate being this attached to her.
Dallas drove nice and slowly, whilst I was driving like I was speeding away from the cops. I fell asleep the entire ride home. This evening was meant to be special for my team and I, and tonight was the biggest plot twist ever.
»»---- ⚾ ----««
"Coco one more, please." I whine, sliding over my card so she can pay for another beer for us, and she groans out loud. "Chris you're wasted; let's go home. Yeah?" She begins to reach for her purse and jacket, but I grab her wrist and sit her down immediately.
"You little shit."
I ask the bartender for another drink and let out a breath, "Yes, I know. I'm aware I'm a little shit." I tell her, "Don't remind me." I rest my head on the cold bar table. "As a matter of fact, I'm a big shit. I'm such a big shit that I basically told Kelani we should break up."
She lays her jacket and bag down next to her, and turns to face me, "You are a big shit." I sneer at her as she laughs. "You're not supposed to agree." I grumble.
I finally put my head up and drink my beer. Coco arm reaches out slowly, it's like she's afraid to touch me. She starts to pat my back, "She's probably so tired of everything." I tell Coco with my hands covering my face. "She deserves the absolute world. Lani deserves it all." I tell her with my eyes closed.
"I know Chris, she's in good hands with Dallas though." She reassures me, "You know how he is."
I rather have her with Dallas than anyone else.
I give a brief smile before it disappears, "Coco, can I ask you a question?" She takes a tiny drink of her cola and nods. "What does it mean when you're sobbing uncontrollably, your chest hurts, and you're having trouble breathing?" I fiddle with a nearby napkin.
She was silent for a bit, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked that-" I attempt to finish, but she interrupts me. "That was a panic attack, Chris."
"Have you had one of those before?"
"No, it's the first time."
"Do you think I was a distraction to her dancing career?" I ask her completely changing the subject.
She scoffs and turns to me, "No Chris. You weren't. Believe it or not, you were her motivation. Her motivation to keep going and stay here." She takes a slight pause, "When she came to North Shore, she was a complete mess. You were her motivation."
I took it all in, every single word she just said. "I just want her to be happy, and if this makes her happy then it makes me happy," I tell her truthfully chugging and finishing the entire beer glass. "Fuck."
She presses her lips into a thin line. "We need to get you home now." She says grabbing her stuff and tugging on my wrist. I was hesitant at first, I wanted to stay but I knew we had to leave.
"Can you walk on your own? or am I going to carry your fat ass on my back?"
"I'm fine." I say getting up from the bar stool. I let out a breath and hand her my keys, "I'll be out there in a minute. You drive."
She scoffs, "As if I'll let you drive in..." She looks me up and down. "In this condition."
Ouch.
When I give the bartender my card, I lean back against the counter and hide my face in my hands. "Fuck." I whisper to myself. I mess with my hair while I look at my half-buttoned shirt below me.
"Rough night?" I hear someone ask; I thought it was the bartender asking. It wasn't.
I turn around, look at that person in the eyes and breathe in and out. "Terrible fucking night now." I take back my card and slip it back into my wallet. "Fuck off, Blake." I bump into him on my way out.
Let me be the bigger person and walk away
"Damn, didn't expect you to act this way. Thought we were going to be best buds again especially after all this rivalry." He's fucking with me. He knew we weren't going to be 'best friends' again.
"Oh, for fucks sake Blake," I turn around and walk up to him. "We will never be friends again. I'll never be on good terms with you. After tonight? After everything?" I lean into whisper. "After you abused my girlfriend?"
He laughs, "She's your girlfriend still?" He laughs again and pulls out his phone. "She texted me, she said she missed me. She still wants me, Irwin." He shows me the notification.
Message from Kelani Parker.
She wouldn't. She wouldn't go back to someone who hurt her, but would she?
I turn around and nod my head then turn back around, smiling. "God forgive me for this, or don't." I lunge, slamming my fist into his cheek. He falls onto the floor, fucking weak.
"How the fuck did that feel, huh?" I tease him while he's still on the floor, he coughs, while there's blood coming down from his nose. I hear a few gasps. "Ready for this, Blake? Ready?" I slam my fist into his cheek. One. Two. Three. Times.
I grab him by the jaw, "You like hitting women? Does that make yourself feel good?" He starts coughing, in my fucking face. Sick. "You're a sick fucker. The hell were you raised? Your mother would be so fucking disappointed."
I punch him a few more times. Two times, I didn't feel bad one bit. He deserved it; all the shit he put Kelani through.
I wipe my hands on my dress pants and run my fingers through my hair that's a complete mess.
"Irwin! What the hell? Not in my bar!" The bar owner yells from over the counter. I bend down to Blake's level, "You deserve way more than this, watch your fucking back." I whisper to him knowing damn well he can't process shit I just said.
"I'll get going now," I tell the bar owner, and slip him a few 20 bucks. "So, sorry about the..." I look at the floor that looks like it's going to be stained with Blake's blood. "Floor."
"God damn it, Christian!" He yells at while I'm heading towards door. "What the hell do we do with him? You can't leave me here." I look back and he throws the towel that was just on his shoulder on the counter.
"I don't fucking know; I'm done here though. So sorry, Mr. John." It happened so fast. He was on the floor so fast. I have no regrets; he deserved every punch. Every single punch was for hurting Kelani. He deserved more.
I push open the bar door and see Coco in the driver's seat, her head down looking at her phone. I open the car door and get in the passenger seat. "Let's go." She looks at me and down at my hands that are covered in someone's blood.
"Christian what the fuck?!" She raises her voice. "Oh my god. Oh my god. I saw Blake go in; I knew something was going to happen. Shit. He might press charges." She stresses. "Oh fuck. Your baseball career, gone. You dumbass." She hides her face in her hands.
"God damn. You're stressing out more than me." I put on my seatbelt. "Let's go home, I'll call my dad, he'll get a lawyer for me and fuck if Blake presses chargers, I'll mention his history of abusing women."
She looks at me, not putting the car in drive. "Sorry I'm looking out for you, my friend." She says, "I could be a shitty friend and not have your back, goodness where would you be without me?"
"Home."
"Do you want a ride home, Christian?"
"Yes."
"Then shut the fuck up."
I stay quiet. The whole ride, until we reached the parking garage to our dorm rooms. "I want to see her."
She lets out a breath and takes out the car key. "No, you can't-" I cut her off, "Oh my god! You know, what made me like beat the shit out of Blake was because he showed me a message of Kelani texting him." I get out of the car and close the door behind me.
"It all happened so fast, you should've saw me. I was like, boom, boom, boom, pow." I acted out the fight that just happened. 3 punches and a kick. Although the kick never happened, it looked cool.
She freezes in her tracks, her hand still touching the button to the elevator. "I'm sorry what?" She turns around to face me. "Yeah, you think she would text him? Apparently, she said, she missed him, but I don't know..."
She doesn't say a thing, she stays silent.
I look at her, she's emotionless. "Coco, you good?" She looks at me and down at the ground. "Yeah, I'm good! Never been better." She gets out of the elevator and fast walks to her room, unlocks it and looks at me; "Don't do anything stupid." She heads inside.
"The fuck was that about?" I scrunch my nose and go inside my dorm room.
"Oh, look at you! Made it back! How wonderful." Dallas says, the end of his sentence sounded harsh, like he wasn't happy to see me.
"Are you being sarcastic?"
"No. I would do a better job at hiding it." He shakes his head and heads to his room with 3 boxes of tissues and a box of fruit snacks.
I scoff and set down my keys and take off my white button up shirt. I sit down at the island and bury my face in my hands. What a fucking night.
I was selfish the entire time, I never cared about how Kelani felt. How she felt about sitting with Blake at awards. Sitting with someone who completely ruined her life and fucked her up.
I'll admit about overreacting about the letter situation, but her ex-boyfriend knew. The guy who ruined her knew before someone who cares deeply about her. Someone who actually loves her. Someone who would drop everything and give her the entire world.
She's like the moon, still managing to shine even when her whole world is dark. No matter what was going through that head of hers, she was always caring for others; but couldn't do that for herself.
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a message from the author.
i'd like to say thank you to this delicious cereal i made at 1:23am, you got me through this chapter.
did yall forget about me and this book? probably. school has been so tough for me y'all. sorry for not updating in 3 months, i'm trying to get back into my writing era but it's obviously not working.
[ word count: 2325 ]