Inside the room they used for the first time five years ago, Yoohan clung tightly, desperately, to the same man he gave his body to.
The kiss they shared tasted like iron, smeared blood from bitten lips painted theirs with red. Yoohan was in a daze, too deep inside his perpetual nightmare, but he could feel the hands on him.
On his body, stroking his side, ripped off his jacket, and lifted his shirt roughly. His clothes were disappearing to places he didn't know or care about. His mind was on that hand, touching his skin in a blazing heat and bruising grips.
Yoohan did not shed a moan, nor he was making any sound. He still felt like he was choking, and the only lifeline was the sturdy shoulder he clung to. He even looked distressed when Jay pulled away to take his clothes off, gasping desperately in fright.
For his pitiful, vulnerable darling, Jay showered soft, gentle kisses on Yoohan's face, whispering sweet words of reassurance until the strong grip loosened and he could peel the younger man's clothes off.
When Yoohan's back finally touched the mattress, he was bare, both in body and soul. The black eyes were trembling, looking at the older man as if Jay was the only thing he could see and feel.
The pale eyes hovered above him in a show of blatant possessiveness, with a gaze that told Yoohan there was only him inside that fierce eyes. It left him breathless just to bathe in that gaze and the possessive stroke on his cheek.
"It'll hurt," the low voice was soothing and gentle, but the words that flew out were harsh. "I'll make it hurt," the pale eyes were glinting, as the voice dipped lower.
Yoohan was breathing roughly, just looking up dazedly at the serious face that looked cold and cruel. "I'll make it hurt more than whatever hurting you here,"
The large hand pressed on Yoohan's heaving chest, and while the words were scary, it felt exactly like what Yoohan had wanted.
"So cry it out, pour out everything," the pressing hand shifted toward the trembling eyes, and the fierce eyes turned gentle. "Think of nothing but the pain and the pleasure I'm about to give you."
Yoohan was breathing hard at this point, already feeling like it would be hard for him to think about anything anymore. But the harsh squeeze on his bottom jolted him awake.
"Mm? Answer me,"
"Okay," Yoohan gasped as he replied, eyes flickering beneath the older man. "Oka—hngghh!!"
Jay did not lie about making it harsh and hurting. The thick, long fingers of the large hand pressed the rim and pushed inside with just minimal lubrication from inadequate saliva.
Think of nothing...think of nothing...
As if he was struck with a spell, Yoohan stared dazedly at the man above him, only looking at Jay and nothing more. Only thinking about the fierce fingers pushing inside him and the burn of something harder, something thicker, and God—it hurt.
"Cry, Lee Yoohan."
It stung. It burned. Yoohan heard a whine, a scream, a sob—ah, it was his voice. He felt dizzy and his vision was blurry. It took him a while, until a thumb swept his cheek and rubbed the bottom of his eyes and he realized that he was crying, gasping, sobbing.
He couldn't feel anything but the pain, clinging to the man holding him tight and moving rigorously inside of him. He heard that sweet-sounding voice again, the kisses on his wet cheek and sweaty forehead, and Yoohan grabbed the sturdy back even more, clawing desperately, and buried his teary face in the solid neck.
Yoohan felt it was ridiculous how his heart could feel lighter just by shedding some tears. It was even more ridiculous how he couldn't cry at all before.
Thinking about how he ended up only crying in front of Jay, Yoohan pulled himself away from the older man's neck, looking at Jay through blurry eyes. The man was frowning, but also smiling. He swiped the tears away from Yoohan's cheek and leaned down, planting a gentle but deep kiss.
"What a pretty crier," Jay whispered against the younger's lips, and Yoohan bit his lips, feeling the promised pleasure finally raising up between the bout of pains. Realizing that Yoohan had started to feel it, Jay pulled away, leaving the younger man gasping for the loss of his grip on Jay's shoulder.
"Shh, it's okay," he said sweetly, with a warm, genuine smile on his face, catching the flailing hands of Yoohan and pinning them on either side of the younger man's face. "Focus on me, I'm going harder, yeah?"
"Ngh?" Yoohan replied in a daze and confusion, which immediately shattered with a sharp movement below, pounding hard and rough and pummeling every place he didn't even know could produce pleasurable sensations.
He gasped and moaned silently, the sorrowful tears had been replaced by pleasurable ones. His sob was now filled with whimpers, and his previously cold hands and feet turned warmer. At a particularly hard thrust that showed him stars, Yoohan screamed out the other's name in a loud gasp.
"Yoon Jay!"
Yoohan heard laughter, a joyful one. The pinning hands slithered around his back and head, holding him tight. "Go on, call me more," the low whisper that came through his ear assaulted him with desperation, and Yoohan back to grasping the solid, strong, reliable shoulder and back, calling the other name like it was a prayer.
When he finally felt like he couldn't take it anymore, he shamefully pleaded for a kiss, and Jay embraced him as they both came.
It took a while for Yoohan to come back down from his daze. Jay was kissing his face so much it felt like the older man was trying to lick his tears off. All the while, his hands were caressing the blonde strands and rubbing the swollen eyes.
How could this man be so sweet and so rough at the same time?
Yoohan thought about the enigmatic man as his heart began to calm down, wet lashes fluttered as his mind gained clarity.
But that calm heart started to race again when the low voice spoke serious words with a dimpled smile. "From now on, you'll only cry for me," Jay rubbed the red, swollen skin beneath the glazed eyes. "Don't shed your tears for the sake of others anymore, Lee Yoohan."
Yoohan had no idea whether his heart wanted to run a marathon or wanted to stop altogether. What he did know was that there was nothing he could do anymore about his growing feeling, his dependency on this man's presence.
He reached out, his previously slumped hand moved up, only to be held halfway before it reached the destination. With a smile, Jay brought that hand toward his own face, kissing the racing pulse beneath the fair wrist. Yoohan used his thumb to rub the charming dimple, and the pale eyes that gazed upon him adoringly sent his heart haywire again.
Oh, screw it—with a rough yank, Yoohan pulled the older man into him, pressing their lips hard, feeling the heavy weight on him even more. Even as he felt like he was getting crushed, Yoohan wanted more, to be drowned in the heat of the other's body.
He felt the leftover tears in his eyes roll down, trailing a hot feeling and salty taste between their lips. Yoohan could feel the lips on him forming a smile, and then a laugh, as Yoohan chased those lips with a frown.
"Lee Yoohan," Jay whispered softly when their lips parted again, prompting Yoohan to press his lips while his lower back tightened. "You really like hearing me calling your name, huh?" the bodyguard chuckled, caressing the fair hips with his thumb as he twisted his hips. "You're tightening up every time I did."
"Ah..." Yoohan looked down, blinking fast at the realization that Jay was still inside of him. Not only that, the man was already hard again.
Was he even went soft in the first place?
With a charming, dimpled smirk on his face, the man started to move his lower body. Just a slow, gentle sway, but it was enough to get Yoohan gasping. "Hah!" the hands Yoohan used to grasp the older's hair were now clawing hard on the solid arms. "Y-Yoon Jay!"
"Yeah?" with a calm voice and an even calmer face, Jay looked down with curled pale eyes, kissing the frowning brows. Compared to his earlier movement, his hips also moved more calmly, lazily, like an afterthought. But Yoohan still gritted his teeth and groaned, holding on tightly to strong caging arms.
"Does it still hurt? Mm?" the gentle question didn't match the playful low chuckle that came with it.
"Ugh—it...is...you b-bastard—aahh!"
Perhaps because he was overwhelmed with emotions before, Yoohan was more focused on that than the sensation his body felt. But now—now that his mind had been cleared, he felt it so vividly, the hardness of something thick and long moving against his inner wall. He recognized the sting more clearly, the slight burn, and the ache he felt on his lower back.
In response to all of those sensations, Yoohan pounded the still-clothed chest, but it only prompted a light-hearted laugh from the older man. "Haha..." Jay brought the fist which had lost power and pressed his lips on the inner wrist. "I'm doing it slowly though," he trailed his lips up, pulling the arm to hold into his neck instead. "Just bear with it,"
"Hnngh!!" Yoohan grabbed the shoulder hard when he felt Jay thrust sharply inside. Now that he felt it vividly, he wondered how could something that big entered him at all.
And how...how could it felt good earlier, when now it just felt burning and weirdly full. Yoohan glared at the smiling man above him, who didn't even seem to be fazed by all of this. "You—aah...oh! Oh!"
Suddenly, Yoohan felt something inside him getting pushed, and it was like his nerve went ablaze. His back arched reflexively, pushing Jay further inside as his feet dug into the messy bedsheet. His eyes flickered as his mind registered the sensation as pleasure.
"See, you can still feel it," Jay said with a smile, swiping the glistening, parting lips of the younger man. Straightening his back, he finally started to unbutton his shirt, pale eyes enjoying the way Yoohan shuddered beneath him. "Or should I say," he thrust hard once more and licked his lips at the moan that came out unbidden from those enticing lips. "You feel it even more? You actually like it hard, aren't you, Lee Yoohan?"
"That's...not—aaah!" once Jay found the spot, he kept on pounding that place, so even while moving slowly and lazily, Yoohan felt the force of it. The sheer size of it made it impossible for the man to miss anyway, and no matter what Yoohan wanted, his body responded by itself, tightening around the thick intrusion as if he didn't want to let go.
"Haha...Lee Yoohan..." finally, the calm face cracked with a frown and a snarl. Biting his lower lip, Jay grasped Yoohan's waist tightly. "Should I go faster?"
"W-wha—?"
There was no chance for Yoohan to make a protest because he was immediately getting speared at a drastic speed that had him gasping silently from the sheer force of it.
"Hngh—J-Jay!" when Yoohan finally found his voice amidst the shaking of his body, it came in a broken whine alongside an unrestrained moan. "Yoon Jay!"
He wanted to grasp the pounding wild beast's laughing face to slow him down, but all he could do was grasp tightly at the sheet and pillow beside his face.
"F-fast! Too fast!"
Yoohan pushed his head back into the pillow, letting out a loud moan he didn't want to admit he made. His head was drifting into a haze once again, as an intense sensation pooled up in his abdomen, and his body responded by chasing the source of that sensation.
"Haa...shit, Yoohan, you really—uff"
"Ah—uhh...I'm g-going to..." Yoohan looked down with bitten lips, skin flushed around his glazed, narrowed eyes.
Jay laughed then, eyes filled with lust and a dangerous flash. "Let's see how it is," he pulled almost entirely, watching Yoohan whimper and trembled hard, panting desperately in a different way with his chocked up condition on that rooftop. "Let's see how it is, if you come while being sober,"
Swift and hard, Jay thrust inside with perfect precision, and Yoohan gasped silently with eyes blown wide, convulsion running through every corner of his body as his fair abdomen was painted white.
This time, it came like a bulldozer pummelling his nervous core. Yoohan had never felt an orgasm that intense, that didn't leave him even after he finished discharging his spend. His parted lips let out embarrassing whimpers as he jerked pathetically under the man who watched him with satisfaction, licking his lips as if looking at Yoohan's orgasmic face was a delicacy.
With a grateful feeling, Yoohan breathed in relief when he felt Jay pull out of him. But that relief didn't last long when the large hands flip his limp body over. Before he even managed to blink, Yoohan was being filled again from behind.
"W-what? I'm just—hnng!" grabbing the sheet tightly, Yoohan felt his waist being dragged down into Jay again, his sensitive nerves being lighted up without rest.
"I'm not," Jay leaned down and planted a kiss on the sweaty nape, trailing toward the trembling shoulder. "I haven't come yet,"
"Wait...wait—wait!"
"Don't be cruel, Lee Yoohan," Jay bit into the inked shoulder until Yoohan moaned in both pain and pleasure. "I want to come too,"
* * *
"You psycho!" Yoohan glared at the man who hummed cheerfully while wiping his body clean. Left with no energy and an aching back, he just lay there on the freshly changed sheet, being wiped gently.
At least this beast did aftercare gently and carefully, almost as if he was a completely different person from the one who plowed Yoohan mercilessly a few moments ago.
"Don't overreact, I was doing it gently," the smile had never left the man's face since they were done, the charming dimples seemed to be permanently etched there.
Yoohan couldn't believe the kind of bulshit coming out of that lips. "Gent—are you crazy?!" he almost got up if it wasn't for the dull throbbing on his lower back.
"What? We didn't even use tools or anything," Jay shrugged with an innocent expression. "I didn't even tie you up, I wasn't spanking you, I didn't even move that roughly..."
"..."
"I only did it until I came twice,"
"..."
"If it's up to me, I'll have you until tomorrow, Master," staring at the sighing face of the bodyguard that looked sad and disappointed like a child that couldn't enjoy all his rides in the amusement park, Yoohan's parted lips pressed into a tight line.
"Are you even human?"
"Hmm? No, I'm your dog, am I not?" Jay tilted his head with an annoyingly innocent smile, like he was talking about something completely natural.
Yoohan gritted his teeth, shouting his curse inwardly. "So you go into heat like a dog too?"
The smile turned into a smirk then, and Jay leaned down to plant a kiss on Yoohan's belly button, startling the younger man. "Well, since I'm your dog, I always go into heat in your presence, Master,"
"You psycho!" Yoohan smacked the laughing man, hiding his flush with his forearm.
As if unfazed, Jay just chuckled lightly and put the nightrobe on Yoohan, before joining the younger man in bed. He pulled the blanket over Yoohan's languid body, patting the man lightly like a nanny sending their baby to sleep.
Yoohan clicked his tongue at the bare-chested bodyguard who loomed beside him, laying sideways on the elbow. Jay had stopped sleeping in his bed after he got the news about Ilhwan, but now the man climbed beside him naturally like it was his place from the start.
Not that Yoohan truly minded.
It was just...annoying.
The patting hand shifted upward, brushing the blonde hair away from Yoohan's face, and for a few minutes, Yoohan just enjoyed being caressed while staring at the ceiling. His mind was filled with so many things, but for now, he just wanted to forget everything. To stop thinking for a bit, until tomorrow came.
But Jay suddenly shattered the silence. "So?" he asked, fingers still stroking the blonde strands. "Does your resolve toward revenge wane now?"
Yoohan froze for a moment. He stared unblinking at the ceiling as his mind replayed what he said to Jay on that night.
Not now.
Not now—he was afraid that indulging in something like love would just make him weak. He was afraid that his resolve toward revenge would shatter if he felt happy. He was worried that he'd be too scared to make sacrifice then.
That was why, despite realizing his feeling, he vehemently denied it, trying to run away from it. But all his effort bring was just making him realize it more, pulling him closer to the storm, swept up on it helplessly.
But what now?
Was he felt like he didn't want to take revenge anymore? Had his resolve weakened?
The black eyes shook, fiercely. No—if anything, he felt it even more. Realizing how blissful being loved and loving someone was made him writhe in agony at how miserable his mother must have felt. Loving a man who openly cheated on her, without her feeling ever reciprocated once until the end of her life.
And what about his brother? The middle schooler probably didn't even know what it feels to truly fell in love yet.
That realization brought forth even greater wrath from deep within his heart.
"I like those eyes," Jay rubbed the flesh beneath the fiery gaze, still slightly swollen from all the tears. "So feisty," he smiled deeply, pecking the tightly drawn lips, whispering against them. "So sexy,"
Yoohan slapped the playful face lightly, smiling despite himself. Since it was a cheating day, Yoohan let himself snuggle closer to the older man, who slipped his arm beneath Yoohan's head as a pillow. He looked up and stroked the dimples that had almost never left that handsome face since earlier.
Jay leaned down to kiss Yoohan's forehead, before staring at the younger man keenly and asked, "Do I still need to wait?"
He turned his head so Yoohan's fingers touched his lips instead, the pale eyes closed in bliss as he kissed those fingers one by one, knuckle by knuckle.
"I thought it was fine for me to just stay as your dog," he laughed, for the first time those pale eyes showed regret, even though it was just a flash.
Yoohan cupped the older's face and rubbed the cheekbone with his thumb, smirking. "You're not?"
"I'm not," the man moved suddenly, straightening his back into a sitting position, taking Yoohan's stroking hand on his. "So let me change my offer,"
Yoohan blinked at the playful face that turned solemn, and the pale eyes that gazed at him keenly. Look at this guy being all serious suddenly—Yoohan wanted to laugh but the vibe didn't let him.
Also, he was kind of embarrassed right now.
Why do you look like you're going to propose or something?! Yoohan pressed his lips and stared at his hand instead—the one that was in Yoon Jay's hold.
"I will be your tool of destruction, your agent of retribution," Jay smiled, enjoying the flush of embarrassment that spread over Yoohan's cheek at his words. "I'll be the carpet under your feet, I'll keep your hands and feet clean of any dirt," just like before, he brought the hand to his lips, and kissed it. "In turn, just give me your heart."
What Yoon Jay got, instead of an answer, was a pillow smack on his face. "Stop it! That's so corny!" Yoohan hissed with a red face. His fluster turned into annoyance when he heard the mirthful laughter behind the pillow. "You're doing it on purpose, aren't you?!"
Yoohan growled in anger, especially because he couldn't kick the man with his aching back. And Jay took advantage of this, attacking the scowling face with a flurry of kisses and laughter.
"So?" Jay asked again after Yoohan got too tired of avoiding the kiss and embrace. The young master just gave up and lay there letting his dog of a bodyguard smolder him all over.
As usual, Yoohan refused to answer, but the way he shrunk deeper into the bodyguard's embrace was already enough for an answer. Although he laid sideways and faced the other way, he didn't protest as Jay hugged him from behind and nuzzled his nape. At some point, he even played with the bodyguard's fingers over his abdomen as he started to get sleepy.
"I seduce you good, didn't I?" a whisper came from his back, tickling his still slightly sensitive nape with a slight chuckle.
"Ugh—shut up..." Yoohan replied drowsily, failing to sound irritated with how docile he looked pushing back into the solid chest, curling his body like an adorable cat.
But it was also probably because the statement was true. When was it, that Yoon Jay sneaked deep inside Yoohan's heart? Was it from the start, from the very moment Jay asked to be owned? Yoohan had rejected it that time, denied the man.
But most importantly, he had denied himself. Denied himself the leaning support that he needed. Of the warmth and affection that he craved.
Sure, he had other people who could help him; his assistants, Song Hwa, Kang Jun...
But while he trusted his assistants—at least, he trusted them then—they had no power to accompany him on the harsh path he decided to thread. Not to mention, Yoohan felt responsible for them, having to move occupation somewhere else because of him.
Song Hwa was definitely strong enough to help him destroy anything, but their actual relationship wasn't as sweet as normal teacher and disciple. For Song Hwa, Yoohan was an investment, and if Yoohan showed he no longer had any use, the man would no longer give him any support. How could Yoohan fully trust someone who could discard him at any time?
And Kang Jun—well, he was Song Hwa's lover, so...
Of course, compared with those two chaebol behemoths, Yoon Jay got nothing in terms of wealth and authority. Even talking about personality alone, the man had red marks all over his report. The man was psychotic, highly obsessive and possessive, and probably not even seeing other people as human.
But that single-minded obsession led to unquestionable loyalty, and the man's lack of empathy enabled him to work efficiently in his specialized expertise; violence management. He was what Yoohan needed, and came right when Yoohan needed him. It felt almost like a planned coincidence, or it could also be fate.
A miracle.
If it was still Lee Yoohan before his life plummeted to the ground, he wouldn't even consider having someone like Yoon Jay around him, much less letting the man come and stay to fill his empty heart. And the kind of Lee Yoohan before—the perfect heir with a hidden side of violence—probably wouldn't attract Yoon Jay too.
It was the sorrow and darkness inside them that pulled them toward each other, and let them fill each other's cracked hearts.
Even while denying it, Yoohan had never forgotten about what Yoon Jay had offered him. At first, he was waiting for whether some news outlet would make an article about him frequenting illegal fighting rings and having an indecent affair. He waited whether Jay would sell Yoohan's drunken rumbling to anyone from HS, especially the wives.
But after nothing came even after he spent some time abroad, he started to question whether Yoon Jay told him the truth.
No—he tried to convince himself that he might be able to trust this man that came out of nowhere.
Yoohan began to investigate the man then, chasing his trace all over the State, even if he had to spend precious seed money. The more he knew about Yoon Jay, the more he was afraid of the man, and yet the more he was sure of him.
Yoon Jay was right—no one could force him to do anything for their bidding. He was that wild, that unhinged. No one would be able to order him to spy on Yoohan—at least, someone like Jay wouldn't entertain such a boring operation.
Perhaps if it was to spy on a country's leader...
All of the investigations he did to gain Jay's information just made Yoohan feel closer to the man, even though they just met once. The fact that Jay came to Korea to return his mother's ash to her homeland, the fact that he was also a victim of another asshole, cheating case of a father...
Sometimes Yoohan wondered if Jay's enthusiasm for Yoohan's revenge plan was a projection of himself.
Whatever the case, for five years, Yoon Jay had never truly left Yoohan's mind, swirling there as he prepared for his revenge and his comeback. He already planned to look for Jay himself, but the man already came to him on his own, with a blazing trail of twilight.
Even on that day, Yoohan couldn't deny the increasing heartbeat, although he always said it was adrenaline.
So how could Yoohan keep the wall of his heart when Yoon Jay actively flirted with him? When they started to live together? When the man was always near to give him assurance that he wasn't alone? When that dimpled smile always greeted him, and only him, warmly?
With a sigh, Yoohan scooted closer to the warm and solid chest, head snuggled comfortably on the older's arm.
"Sleep now, I'll wake you for dinner," the gentle voice came with the same gentle caress on his hair.
Yoohan closed his eyes then, knowing that he would definitely get a good sleep.
Not because he was exhausted. Not because he just had sex.
But because it was Yoon Jay, and because he knew he was safe in the man's arms.
"Sure," Yoohan mumbled before his mind completely drowned inside the sea of dreams. "Let's do that. My heart..."
Yoohan didn't finish his words, already breathing slowly and steadily. This time, as he hold the arm around his chest, he didn't look like he was trapped in a nightmare. As he let his body be wrapped around with a pair of trustworthy arms, this time, it wasn't just his body that he gave the man.
This time, it was his heart too.
_______________________________
🎶 Nickleback - Holding on To Heaven
We're halfway through the story! 💃
My brain is tired 🫠 my body is too...
(it's never good to watch a concert under the rain, folks)
The second part is actually...even more tiring
It's full of drama
But since they are more or less in a mutual feeling now, the romance (and smut) will get sprinkled even more 😉
I can't believe I'm devising a whole makjang plot drama for this series 🙈 I should write for tvN or something 😒