CW : //implied self-harm//
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Yoohan liked to take a bath twice a day, even in winter. He would prefer the water to fill the tub so much that he could drown in it. And he'd like it if the water temperature was almost too hot to the touch, making his fair skin redden even with a slight dip.
It wasn't because Yoohan was obsessed with cleanliness or anything.
It was because he felt he was filthy.
Just for a bit, during the time the hot water felt like it could melt his skin, Yoohan wondered if the filth in his heart could be washed away.
When he decided to walk this path of revenge, Yoohan swore he would stop at nothing if it could help him. Whether it was to dirty his hands or to sell his body. He was ready to give himself to Lee Wooseok if it would help him achieve revenge, seducing the man to destroy the family while acting like a whore.
If Yoohan had never met Yoon Jay again, he might resort to that method.
Yoohan hated his family, but he hated himself so much more.
Was someone with this kind of filthy state of mind deserving anything pure like love? Yoohan didn't think so. The more he felt Jay's one-way devotion to him, the more Yoohan felt like a rotten filth. He felt awful when he returned that devotion with cold words, but he felt even more awful when he thought about wanting to reciprocate it.
Yoohan slid down on the tub, submerging his head under the water. Today too, he was tempted to just stay there like that, never to surface again, just fell to the bottom and rest.
Just rest.
Looking up, the water looked pretty with dispersing light making patterns on the surface. Indeed, the world was a beautiful place once. In this limited space, Yoohan could pretend that the world was still a beautiful place for him.
He wondered if his mother and brother lived in an even more beautiful place right now. They should, right? Unlike Yoohan, they were kind, beautiful people who deserved so much more than what they got in their unfair life. Who was he, to enjoy more than they could?
He wanted to see them again, missed his mother's gentle smile and his brother's cheeky laugh. But Yoohan felt like he wouldn't be able to.
Not with how filthy he was.
Just as his lungs felt like they were about to burst, he was yanked up by a strong hand. Yoohan grabbed the tub's side in reflex, gasping to fill his screaming lung with air.
"You still have things to do, Master, please be more careful," Jay spoke dryly, his pale eyes shining in coldness.
The man had a smile on his face, but it didn't touch his icy gaze. It was clear that Jay was pissed—in the time he worked for Yoohan, this kind of thing had happened four times already. Jay had to watch the clock cautiously every time Yoohan had a bath, and checked his master from time to time.
Sometimes, Yoohan would resurface by himself, but other times like today, he would stay down there without any intention to come up. The first time it happened, Yoohan almost lost consciousness before Jay took him out, skin red and face blue. Since then, the bodyguard always stood guard during bath time, watch in the ready, ears in full caution.
Jad wondered how many times this kind of thing happened before he was there, how many times Yoohan had a close call like this. How many times he was almost lost Yoohan unknowingly?
But this master of his just laughed heartlessly, coughing, leaning back into the tub as if he didn't just try to unalive himself.
Jay realized then that the most dangerous thing wasn't an external threat, but Yoohan himself.
"The eldest miss's attendant came to ask for an audience," Jay told Yoohan while bringing the towel and bathrobe.
Yoohan glanced at the bathroom door, seeing it wide open. He could see his bedroom door from here, which was also left ajar.
Just like what Yoohan told Jay to do when someone's here.
"With noona? Here?" Yoohan asked, fully expecting the attendant would eavesdrop. He'd just call her Lee Wooyoung otherwise.
"It seems like the young miss wants to meet outside, so she'd like to ask which time would be convenient for you," Jay came with a towel and gave his hand to Yoohan. "It's getting cold, Master, let's get you dressed."
"Just tell that person to come, I'm not in the mood to get out of the bedroom," Yoohan gave his order with a sleepy, lazy voice. Half because he really wasn't in the mood, and half because he wanted to give a show to the attendant.
Just as Yoohan expected, the woman sent by Lee Wooyoung was listening keenly through the little gap in the door, almost pressing her face to the wooden frame. She had heard all kinds of rumors about the young master and his bodyguard, and other than relaying her mistress's order, she was also there to confirm those rumors.
She could hear shuffling sounds as the bodyguard seemed to dry the young master with a towel and dressed him in a bathrobe. The attendant cover her mouth with her hand—what was this? Even her mistress never showed herself fully naked in front of her attendants. Was the rumors that the bodyguard was the young master's boy toy true then?
And then she heard the sound of...kisses? She scooted closer to peek inside the room and saw the handsome bodyguard carrying the young master to the couch, with their lips locked.
"I might drop you if you keep squirming, Master," the bodyguard said with a sigh, and she heard a giggle in reply.
"Whaaat~ I know you're strong enough for that," she saw the young master playing with the dark hair and gave the bodyguard another kiss.
Damn—so the rumors are true? The bodyguard put the young master gently on the couch, fixing the bathrobe and putting the night slippers on the young master's feet. "Would you like something to drink?"
"Something hot—no..." the young master paused and lifted the bodyguard's face, rubbing the lips he just kissed. "Something that makes me feel hot," he said with a smirk.
Whoa--how lewd. The attendant knew he was just talking about alcoholic drinks, but somehow it sounded...erotic?
"Understood," the bodyguard said calmly, as if unperturbed, and standing up. "Should I tell her to come in?"
"Mm,"
The attendant swiftly scrambled to her initial position in the sitting room, trying to put on an impassive, indifferent face, just in time as the handsome bodyguard open the bedroom door.
"Please come inside," he said cooly, as if he wasn't just being kissed and seduced by his Master. Probably because it had become a daily occurrence?
The attendant walked inside, and was greeted by the young master's enchanting display. She had only worked here for four years, so this would be her first time meeting the third son, the fallen heir. She had heard rumors though, and been told that she should never mention young master Yoohan's appearance near her mistress.
She understood why at once.
They did not exaggerate when they said the young master was the prettiest. Even as a man, the young master looked pretty enough to make women jealous. Especially now, with his fair skin slightly reddened by hot water, hair half-wet and dripping, face adorned with a natural blush, and lips glistening from kisses. Leaning back with the bathrobe slightly sliding off his shoulder, the young master looked pretty and erotic at the same time, inked shoulder slightly on display.
Honestly, the attendant had no idea how the bodyguard could maintain his composure in front of such a display.
Perhaps he wasn't actually interested in man? Should she inform her mistress about this?
"So, what is it? Where does noona want to meet? When?" the young master asked impatiently, probably annoyed his time with the bodyguard got interrupted.
Used to how the children of this house behave, she answered with unperturbed calmness. "She will get back the day after tomorrow, and she asks if Young Master could meet her after she landed, before going home."
"Haa...why can't you just give me a concrete time?" the young master clicked his tongue, and she replied immediately, realizing her mistake.
"The plane will land at seven p.m, so—"
"Place?"
She fished out a name card and politely placed it on the table with both hands. It was a business card of a certain upscale traditional-style restaurant on a hill—the address and the room they would be using were written there.
"Fine," the young master waved his hand, and the bodyguard, who was already there without making any sound, took the card and store it after putting the glass he carried in the young master's hand. "You can go."
She wanted to stay longer and peek at what those two were about to do, but she had to make a report, so the attendant hurriedly left the annex. Once she was back on her compound, she called the young mistress, and reported everything, down to everything she saw the young master and his bodyguard do.
* * *
"She didn't even learn about proper traditional etiquette, what is she doing coming to a place like this?" Yoohan chuckled as the car entered the restaurant driveway.
It was a restaurant located on a hill, an estate of a large compound set traditionally. They could see the Korean-style rooftop of the buildings spread throughout the place. Even the fence made it feel like they were visiting a palace of the Joseon dynasty.
The place wasn't famous for its delicious food, but rather for the luxurious, high-class vibe it carried. It was modeled after the palace and noble houses, so people using the place could feel that they were part of the elite circle.
For Yoohan, it just looked like an obnoxious place where pretentious people come to show off.
Of course, it was the perfect place for someone like Lee Wooyoung.
Again, this time, Yoohan rode in the back seat, since he needed to appear as the young master of HS Group. Jay, for his part, had gotten even better at hiding his displeasure of not having Yoohan closer to him.
Like the detached bodyguard he was supposed to be.
Yoohan watched the man from the back with mixed emotions. He knew it was ridiculous, but he hated the fact that it was getting harder for him to read the man, and it made him anxious.
As the car rolled toward the parking lot, Yoohan looked out the window and bit his lips in contemplation. He had planned to make the bodyguard wait outside the room, but...
"Jay," Yoohan rubbed his lips anxiously with his fingers, eyes staring at nothing in particular, but slightly shaking nonetheless. "I need you to make a choice."
The bodyguard replied while positioning the car. "What choice, Master?"
Somehow, the word 'master' had felt cold these days. Yoohan held back his sigh and spoke. "Whatever happened inside, whatever is said, I'll only let you stay in the room if you promise me to do nothing about it. Nothing that I don't tell you to,"
Yoohan paused, staring at the row of cars and pebbles in the garden—anywhere but the back of his bodyguard. He was going to wait until he was sure he could control the man, but the bitter development of their relationship had made Yoohan lose confidence of such things—would he ever be able to control Jay anyway?
"If you can't, then stay outside or just wait here," Yoohan made his options, black eyes fixed on the restaurant's inner gate.
So he couldn't see it; the hardened pale eyes and tightening fingers around the steering wheel—the breaking of façade that he'd been wanting to see.
Yoohan heard the driver's door open and close. Wordlessly, Jay came to his side and opened the car door, reaching out to help Yoohan out, like the faithful servant that he was. Already donning his impassive mask, he followed Yoohan quietly into the room where the staff led them to.
As the bodyguard entered the room with him, Yoohan curled his fists. Rather than the conversation with Wooyoung, Yoohan was more nervous about Jay's reaction.
"You're late!" the older sister spat the moment Yoohan stepped foot inside the private room.
Fixing his expression with an obnoxious smirk, Yoohan just shrugged while taking a seat in front of Wooyoung. "Traffic?" he remarked nonchalantly, making it obvious that he didn't care at all.
He could hear Wooyoung hissing in annoyance, but she soon took a deep breath and calmed down. She was the one who asked for the meeting, so she couldn't be the one losing patience.
"Haa...whatever—bring the food in," she ordered to her attendant, who immediately called for the waiter.
"I didn't know you were abroad," Yoohan tapped on the teacup in front of him, watching the single tea leaf bobbing on the surface.
The eldest daughter scoffed at Yoohan's small talk, but replied nonetheless. "I had some shopping to do in Milan."
"Is that so?" Yoohan took the teacup and sipped on the steaming liquid for a bit. "I didn't expect that. I was honestly thinking you might visit Switzerland..." the black eyes flicked at the stiffened Lee Wooyoung. "Like Lugano, perhaps?"
The woman glared at him, eyes narrowed and jaw clenched. But she didn't say anything until the course meal was finished being served and the room was being isolated from the outside. She stared at the bodyguard kneeling behind Yoohan, and tilted her head.
"He'll stay," Yoohan smiled, ignoring Lee Wooyoung's suspicious eyes.
"Can he keep his mouth?" she frowned, arms crossed in front of her chest.
"He keeps his mouth where I want him to," Yoohan smirked when he saw her eye twitch, although he had no idea it was from irritation or envy.
She clicked her tongue and drink her tea, as if to prepare herself for the conversation. Yoohan just patiently waited for her, casually picking up his chopstick to eat.
"Tell me what you know," she suddenly demanded.
Yoohan let out a chuckle, looking at the food while replying calmly. "That's not how this is supposed to go, noona. The fact that I mentioned the place's name should at least tell you how much I know."
Lee Wooyoung clicked her tongue again. He was already feeling irritated before, but the way Yoohan kept his composure pissed her off even more. "I found the man's place," she bit his lips.
"Your mother's ex-boyfriend?" Yoohan smirked, putting a piece of raw aged yellowtail in his mouth. "Does he look familiar?"
"How do you know?" Wooyoung pressed her lips together as if to suppress her anger. "How do you know Lee Wooseok is that man's son?"
She's not even calling him 'Oppa' anymore, so she must have concrete proof already, Yoohan smiled before letting out a sigh.
"Because I want to believe that this family isn't as fucked up as I thought," Yoohan shrugged. He'd been investigating Lee Wooseok's background since his high-school day, including an illegal DNA test without the involved parties' consent. "That he's not Lee Hwal's son sounds better than 'a man who lusts over his own little brother', don't you think?"
The room temperature felt colder then, even when it was summer. Yoohan could feel it; the sharp gaze on his back from a pair of pale eyes. It was like daggers made of icicles piercing his nape.
"So you start to become suspicious of his background after you realized he looked at you...indecently?"
"He jerked off to me before, while I'm sleeping," Yoohan chuckled as Wooyoung winced in disgust, and shrugged. "It's not impossible, anyway. There's already speculation that he was conceived before marriage. We just didn't know by whom."
Lee Wooyoung took a deep breath, and for a while, no one said anything. The only sound that could be heard was the clanking of utensils as Yoohan continued eating alone.
No matter what, he couldn't waste perfectly good rice.
Lee Wooyoung continued to watch Yoohan in silence, who continued to eat in perfect calmness as if they were just talking about the weather condition instead of something that could shake the successorship upside down. She couldn't help but feel suspicious, as her mind was filled with questions.
"Why are you telling me about it?" she asked with a frown. She understood why Yoohan would try to investigate Lee Wooseok, perhaps he started it to look for the eldest's weakness first to protect himself from being defiled, as blackmail or something. But it was now difficult since Wooseok had a better standing, so Yoohan was probably compelled to tell this to someone else and seek refuge. But then...
"If you told father—"
"If I told father, what do you think would happen?" Yoohan cut her fast, putting his chopstick down.
Wooyoung rubbed her elbow, staring at her clean serving plate as her mind played various scenarios. When she lifted her gaze with slightly widened eyes and definite contempt, Yoohan smiled—good, at the very least, she wasn't as stupid as her twin brother.
"He'll give the position to me," Yoohan spelled out what was on her mind.
But she gritted her teeth and denied it. "Aren't you getting too arroga—"
"Do you think he'd give it to your twin brother?" Yoohan tilted his head, the crooked smile on his pretty face was a palpable mockery. "Or Lee Sungmin?"
"Urk—"
Yoohan chuckled softly. He leaned back in his zaisu and crossed his arm, black eyes staring firmly at Wooyoung.
This was what made her suspicious; Lee Yoohan acted like freshly made bourgeois trash, but his clear eyes told her that he was still that annoyingly smart child from the past—just wilder, harsher.
"Noona," Yoohan spoke with a firm tone. "I don't want to be the heir," he let out a sigh, eyes a little bit vacant. "I no longer have any reason to,"
Wooyoung blinked at the faint sorrow in the tone, slightly stunned as Yoohan let out a bitter smile. That forlorn face, however, disappeared before she could even identify feeling bad about it, replaced with a wide, charming, business smile.
"So why don't you take it instead?"
She pressed her lips to prevent herself from cursing. Why would I feel bad about this bastard Lee Yoohan? She chewed on her cheek before opening her mouth.
"You're talking as if you're sure I want to win the successorship," she sneered, looking at Yoohan condescendingly, opening her arms with a shrug. "It doesn't matter to me who's the head as long as I can still enjoy my life—
Before she could finish, however, Yoohan laughed. Not loudly, just a shaking of the shoulder and a quiet wheeze, but it felt even more annoying than if he rolled on the floor laughing.
"But will you be able to? Isn't that the question?" he tilted his head after he finished his laugh. "It's fine having Wooseok as the Chairman, but do you think the money will still flow to you?"
With an irritating know-it-all gaze, Yoohan pointed his finger at Wooyoung. "Didn't you already know whose money flow to Switzerland?"
Wooyoung greeted her teeth. Yeah...if it was just familiarity, Wooyoung wouldn't be that sure to the point of conducting a thorough investigation. It was the fact that Wooseok kept sending money somewhere that finally made her move.
Yoohan continued with his calm exposition, taking the cup of water that Jay just refilled for him. "He took a fiancée, but he still desired me..." he paused to take a sip of the water, feeling the jug in Jay's hand slammed a bit harder to the table. "If his loyalty is with his—your—mother, and you, then he wouldn't do such a risqué thing like attempting to sleep with his younger brother,"
He could see Wooyoung gripping her hands tight, curling them into fists. Lee Wooseok's very attempt to pursue Yoohan was a clear show of betrayal to the first wife, who'd been actively trying to slander Yoohan all this while. It was a sign that Wooseok would do as he pleased once he officially stated as the heir. She believed that Wooseok would always choose the siblings who shared full blood with him, but now she found out that they only shared their mother's blood.
Yoohan hid his smile behind the glass as he drink the water. "Isn't the fact that you came as far as Lugano to check on the man himself, and then requested this meeting, meant you already made up your mind?"
Another silence ensued, this time it was eerier because not even the sound of utensils could be heard. Yoohan almost thought he could hear the gear in her head spinning.
"...do you think father would break the progeny and choose me?" Wooyoung asked finally, biting her red lips.
Yoohan shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't think he cares enough for tradition with how he acts," he leaned into the table now, fingers weaved beneath his chin as he stared keenly at her. "But noona, even if your twin brother ended up as the heir, you need to make sure you're the one with the control—he can't do it by himself anyway."
Wooyoung lowered her eyes and frowned deeply, a sign that she agreed with what Yoohan said, only too proud to admit she was agreeing. So Yoohan just smiled subtly and continued in a firm tone.
"But if you already made up your mind, then you should at least try to convince father," he waited until Wooyoung looked up and returned his gaze before adding. "Not only with the proof, but also with your own accomplishment."
Of course, doing it successfully was another matter altogether, but Yoohan didn't care whether Wooyoung would succeed or not. Knowing Lee Wooyoung, if she couldn't make those accomplishments, then she would just destroy others so she would be the one who shone the brightest.
And while the first wife's children tried to bring down each other, and the matter of successorship that seemed to be settled wobbling again, Yoohan would be able to make his move more freely—eating the rotten fruit bit by bit under the radar while everyone got distracted.
Wooyoung looked at Yoohan that stared at him seriously with a smile on his face. Somehow, right now, Yoohan reminded her of their father—the ruthless, unfeeling man.
"Why—"
"I don't want to see the third wife's kids getting it," Yoohan spoke before Wooyoung could even form the question. "You should at least understand my feeling, right, noona?"
The feeling of someone seeing another woman suddenly took a place in the family. She closed her eyes for a bit, and when she opened them, Yoohan saw a firmness there.
"And you want me to get rid of Lee Wooseok while at it?"
"Noona...if he becomes the Chairman, what do you think would become of me?" Yoohan shrugged and leaned back with slumped shoulders, looking like a meek and weak younger brother suddenly.
"I'm just trying to survive,"
* * *
"She should take it, right?" Yoohan tapped on the car's window as they drove away from the restaurant. "I already laid the bait, so I just need to wait until the net breaks..."
They were taking the countryside route to go to their hotel/base and Yoohan had switched to riding in the front once they were out of the main road. He let out a long, exhausted breath and contemplated taking a little nap before reaching the hotel room to spend the night rummaging through the gangster's ledger and hard drive again.
Unfortunately, the bodyguard chose to open his mouth then. "Master, the thing you said..."
"What thing?" Yoohan let out a yawn and closed his eyes. "I said a lot of things today, I'm so exhausted,"
"About that bastard—" Jay paused as his jaw clenched hard. When he spoke again, his voice was low and cold, filled with repressed fury. "About the eldest son..."
"That he's not the real son?" Yoohan replied nonchalantly while shifting in his seat, trying to find a more comfortable position to sleep in. Just as he adjusted his head, the car suddenly swerved hard, and the inertia almost made Yoohan bump into the dashboard if it wasn't for the sturdy palm cushioning his forehead.
"Ugh—fuck!" Yoohan cursed as he opened his eyes, wondering if there was another car making trouble with them. But he saw nothing, just a deserted road flanked by empty fields and trees. The car stopped at the side of the road, making clear tire marks as the brake went hard. Yoohan turned his head with widened eyes, glaring at the bodyguard. "What the hell, you nut—"
Yoohan stiffened as the large physique of his bodyguard hovered over him. The face in front of him was no longer impassive, but cold and furious.
"Haa...let's stop this game, Lee Yoohan," the smooth and nice voice had gone deep—deep and sinister and made Yoohan's blood curl. "You're neither dumb nor dense, so don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about," Jay leaned his face closer, pale eyes staring straight at Yoohan, piercing him with that beastly glint. "Otherwise, you wouldn't ask me to make a choice earlier."
Yoohan finally understood the feeling of prey in front of its predator. He wanted to look away, but he felt like he would get mawed if he did, so he just stared back with his heart drumming loudly, trying to find his voice.
"What do you want to hear?" he finally managed to let out a sound. Just a quiet one, but it was enough with the way they were just inches within each other.
"Why didn't you tell me about it?" the pale eyes felt like a pair of headlights, locking Yoohan in fright.
With hands curled into tight fists, Yoohan answered as steadily as he could. "I'm letting you know now,"
What greeted him was the slamming of Jay's fist at the window beside him.
"Haa—fuck!" the man didn't shout, just the sound of a repressed growl. But it was scarier than anything. More than the time Yoohan witnessed the gangster's massacre. The pale eyes glint coldly, not like ice, but of sharp metal digging into Yoohan's heart. "And you just went to his office alone while I'm standing outside like a fool?"
His heart was beating like crazy, and he hardly felt like he could breathe, but Yoohan glared at the man, hissing a warning. "Yoon Jay, don't cross the line. I'm strong enough to defend myself from the like of Lee Wooseok."
There was silence. A suffocating one where they both stared fiercely at each other.
And then Yoohan heard a low laugh. A dark, maniacal laugh that reverberated inside the dark car. Yoohan closed his eyes briefly as Jay bowed his head, shoulder shaking. Between the sound of his heartbeat and the laugh, Yoohan felt like he was trapped.
He had expected—no, wished—that Yoon Jay would just let it be and acted like that morning in the private room; back to being a detached servant. His heart stung unknowingly at the thought, but Yoohan felt like it was the most desirable outcome in this situation.
"You..." no—Jay didn't give Yoohan that relief. The pale eyes glared furiously now, no longer cold and calculating. He was just pissed now.
"You were just getting drugged by that bastard's brother! What makes you think he won't do the same thing to you?!" the hand that was slamming the window now grasped the headrest of Yoohan's seat tightly. "I already hold back so much from strangling the second son and now—"
Slap!
The loud slapping sound echoed inside the car as Yoon Jay stared wide-eyed at the empty air. The force behind that slap was enough to turn his face sideways, but he felt stunned more than hurt by it. The sound was followed by the opening of the car door and hurried footsteps.
Yoohan tried to suck the outside air back into his lungs, panting at the darkness. His head was pounding—in fear, in anxiety. He heard a muffled sound behind him and Yoohan turned around, eyes wide and red.
"This! This is why I didn't tell you!" he shouted at the man who walked closer, backing out in frenzy toward the empty field, as if avoiding an incoming beast. "I have no idea if you'll run out and do something like that on your own!"
The reply came in low and cold; impassive, challenging. "So what if I do?"
"They are my prey! My revenge!" Yoohan hissed. He told himself to stay calm, that they were in the middle of the road, and that someone could pass by and see them. But he was unexpectedly tired and his emotion just rushed through unbidden. "You don't touch them unless I told you so!"
Yoon Jay stopped, just a few steps away from him. The man was unfairly calm and composed despite his outburst inside the car. "Did you not trust me?"
Yoohan paused, his body involuntarily stiffened. He stared at the older man dumbfoundedly and burst out a short laugh. "Hah!" he laughed, almost as manic as Yoon Jay earlier. The rim of his eyes kept getting redder, as if he was on the verge of breaking down. "Can I?"
Jay narrowed his eyes, hands started to curl when he saw the slight trembling of the younger's lips, the shaking on the black orbs. He looked absolutely vulnerable.
"You leave without even telling me," Yoohan spoke breathlessly, weakly, as if he was chased by something scary. "Doing things I didn't know—mph?"
Yoohan widened his eyes as Jay stepped forward and swiftly locked him inside a sturdy hold, lips pressing hard. Without even giving him time to react, his body was pushed back until he slammed into a tree, head cushioned by a large palm.
He was so stunned that it took him a while to react. Once he regained his wit back, Yoohan tried to push the caging arms away, but Jay didn't budge, claiming Yoohan's lips and mouth, shoving his tongue harshly as if he wanted to leave a mark inside.
"Yoon—mpph!" Yoohan gasped when Jay gave him a chance to breathe for a second, but his mouth was getting blocked again immediately by consuming lips. Yoohan felt his head swimming—it was already muddled before, and now it was just mush. "Ah—"
Yoohan let out an involuntary sigh, and Jay finally parted their lips. He panted hard, feeling his face and body heating up all over. Despite the fuzzy and tingling feeling, however, Yoohan grabbed the older man's collar and glared through his glazed eyes.
"What the fu—"
Jay leaned down as he tightened his arms around Yoohan, lips grazing the younger's ear. "You kissed me however you like anyway, for your 'show' or whatever," Yoohan stiffened at the low voice that made his scalp tingle. "Can't I do it however I like just once?"
Whatever cursed words Yoohan wanted to say died inside his throat. When the aggressive lips came nibbling at his earlobe, Yoohan flinched and tried to push the man again. "Wait—umph..." again, his protest was blocked by eager, furious lips. Yoohan reached out his hand and this time push the man's face instead, earning his freedom at last. "Stop it!"
The man stopped this time, but he didn't let Yoohan go. His arms firmly planted at the tree, caging Yoohan securely. The blonde bit his lips in frustration—whether it was caused by the sudden kiss or by the way his heart trembling, Yoohan didn't even know.
He glared at the pale eyes and spat angrily. "You told me I don't have to give you my heart!"
Jay twitched, sneering darkly at the man who looked like he was about to cry but couldn't. "I did," he admitted easily. "I'm offering myself to you to be used anyway,"
One of the caging hands grasped the pale cheek, thumb rubbing the soft flesh around the reddened eye. "But Lee Yoohan...you should've done your part, then. Be the cold-hearted master that you think you are. Barred your heart from any entry—seal it tight so I can't see it,"
Yoohan parted his lips, but nothing could come out. He felt his throat dried as his nape and spine were drenched in a cold sweat. The sharp, piercing pale eyes felt like they dove into his heart and soul, exposing.
"You should've done so, but what are you doing after you told me everything is just physical?" the thumb slid down, caressing the trembling cheek. "You tested me,"
With flirty gestures masked as acting.
"You taunted me,"
Keeping him on edge with dangerous stunts.
"You looked at me with eyes asking for attention. For affection. For your heart to be stolen," the thumb reached to the still glistening lips, rubbing gently. "But you still telling me that I shouldn't cross the line?"
Yoohan slapped the hand away, escaping through the gaps it created. The air seemed heavier, and he felt like it was hard to breathe. Even his steps felt wobbly, and he couldn't help but reach out, holding onto the roof of the car as his mind swirled and his chest heaved.
He knew. He knew it already. He denied it so badly every day, but he knew.
The uncomfortable feeling when he acted coquettish out of necessity.
The stinging feeling at the older's detached gesture.
The gaze he used to watch the man's every movement and reaction.
"What is it that you want, Lee Yoohan?" he heard the man's voice, low and deep, nestling in his cracked, broken heart.
You
"Tell me that you want me,"
But I can't
"Tell me, Lee Yoohan," the shadow hovered over him, and Yoohan turned his head to see the gleaming pair of cold eyes. "Or discard me completely."
Yoohan felt his heart stop beating for a moment. He turned his body and shoved the man back with all his strength. He felt the rising fear and anxiety, the clashing between desire and guilt that created a big lump in his gut.
"Leave then!" his voice was hoarse. Hard and lonely, bouncing in the darkness of the night. "Take that off..." he reached out toward the necklace, the gleaming platinum pendant. "Just leave me—"
Yoohan felt his wrist getting snatched and the next thing he knew, he was slammed into another hard surface, the metal felt cold in his back. But the hand on his nape was hot, and the lips on his were warm, and soon, Yoohan found himself grasping the dark hair and kissing back.
Breathlessly, he pulled the man into a deeper kiss without even realizing it. Perhaps he was too tired of running away. Getting this emotional and vulnerable, Yoohan felt like he was coming undone.
Jay was enveloping him with warmth, a fire of obsession and twisted devotion that Yoohan ignited by himself. But unlike the almost scalding water, it didn't hurt his skin.
Just his heart. Just his screaming soul.
When their lips parted, and his fingers slid off the dark lock, Yoohan felt like breaking apart. What brought him back was the caress on his cheek, and the gentle, desperate voice.
"Lee Yoohan," Jay put his forehead against Yoohan's, sighing. "You have to learn not to say things you don't mean,"
"Fuck—" Yoohan felt like choking. His hands, which had been slid into the older's shoulder, curled into fists and pounded into the sturdy flesh. "Fuck you! Fuck you!"
The caressing hand tilted Yoohan's face and calmed the trembling lips with another kiss. Softer this time, gentler, caressing lightly. "Mmh...haa..." somehow, the kiss this time made him even more breathless than before. His fists unfurled, finding their place on the older's hair, as the night air was filled with the sound of their heavy breathing.
When they parted, finally, Yoohan felt his lashes flutter—probably his heart too. A thumb moved to caress his lips, rubbed the glistening flesh, and traveled down; to his quickening pulse, and loudly beating heart.
"Are you still going to say..." Jay kissed the flushed cheek and chased the flickering black eyes. "...that this is just physical?"
"Stop it," Yoohan took a deep breath, feeling his knees weaken. "Stop it..." he slid down, and only Yoon Jay's sturdy hold on his waist prevented him from slumping to the ground. He leaned on the strong chest, hands gripping the other's upper arm tightly. "Don't—"
He sounded weak and vulnerable, bare, frightened. Jay felt a slight trembling as he put his arms around the back and pressed the stressed head against his chest.
"Don't do this to me...don't make me weak now...not now..."
"Alright," Jay whispered against the blonde hair, pulling the younger man deeper into his embrace. "Not now,"
Yoohan gripped the man tighter, feeling as if he was falling.
"I'll wait," the voice had gone back to the smooth, soothing one that Yoohan always craved unknowingly. "But I won't let you run away from me, Lee Yoohan," he pulled away gently, cupping Yoohan's face within his palms. "Keep that in this pretty head of yours."
Yoohan blinked, staring blankly at the older man. He pliantly let himself get seated back in the car, wordlessly watching Jay fasten his seatbelt.
"Haa...why are you keep making things complicated for yourself?" Jay chuckled, pinching the stunned chin.
Yoohan pressed his lips, realizing just how much he wanted Yoon Jay to call his name rather than 'Master'. But when the bodyguard came behind the steering wheel again, he knew the personal time was over.
"Let's go, Master, we still have to analyze that ledger and hard drive or whatever..."
Yoohan closed his eyes. Perhaps one day, he would feel light enough to be able to enjoy having his name uttered with so much feeling without any guilt.
Perhaps one day...
When it wouldn't hurt so much.
_______________________________
🎶 Thousand Foot Krutch - The Part That Hurts The Most (Is Me)
Mandatory angsty arc 😌
But it's not that angsty? More like...dramatic? Jay is patient, but not that patient
Today's genre is /plot with feeling/