I jumped on my bed, buried my head in the pillow and closed my eyes, sighing loudly.
I counted on my fingers... this was my third day. Which means I've got four more days to change things or my parents will 'figure what to do', to quote my father. It'd be a lie if I said I wasn't scared.
I felt a fluffy hair tickling my chin and scrunched my face. Home sweet home...
I opened my eyes to see my cat, Frodo, rubbing his head against my shoulder, meaning he wanted cuddles. I grinned and set him on my lap, and started petting it. It felt like his weight was increasing, he was already a giant cat to be honest.
"You're the one I'm gonna miss the most when I find my place." I said as he purred, causing me to chuckle. Aww, he was so adorable. I also had a horse Baldo, but my parents let me see him like once or twice a week, in the weekend. My cousins kept him for me, since they owned a horse-riding school.
Maybe it wasn't a bad idea to go visit him and have a small ride... I checked the time: 7.30 pm. It was a bit late but who cares, I had often had nocturnal rides before, I didn't mind having late night walks either. And it's not like the area was dangerous.
I got up and packed my bag, putting a bottle of water, my Canon camera, my I-pod and my notebook in. I exited my room, making my way to the stairs.
"Dad!" I called.
"In the kitchen!" He responded. I walked down the stairs and headed to the kitchen to find my dad making some coffee. Coffee at night? He probably needed to work 'til late night, I shrugged it off.
"Lynn, your mother's taking a nap, don't yell." He lectured and I internally sighed.
"Sorry." I said as he placed his cup on the kitchen's table and took a seat.
"I was wondering if you could drive me to the cousins' stables. I wanted to visit Baldo and-"
"No way, Lynn. It's late, I don't have time, I'm sorry." he replied, taking a long sip of the hot coffee. I reluctantly nodded my head and quickly thought of another solution.
"Can I call my friends? Maybe they could drive me." I suggested and he almost choked on his coffee. He placed the cup back on the table and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.
"Friends? Who are they?" I rolled my eyes.
"Yes dad, I do have friends. Is it that absurd?" I snapped in annoyance and crossed my arms.
"They're nice people, you can trust me on that. So, can I call them?"
"How am I supposed to trust someone I don't know-"
"I said you can trust me!" I pleaded. He ran a hand through his bit of messy hair and sighed. He usually didn't have messy hair, my parents always tried to look perfect, I guess it was because of the recent stress.
"Okay. I'll tell your mother. When are you planning on being back?"
"I was thinking that maybe I could spend the night at their house." I shrugged and he nodded.
"Tell the family that we say hi."
"I will. Bye dad." I finished and he waved at me as I grabbed my leather jacket and the keys. As soon as I left the house, I typed my cousin's number to tell her I was coming over. She picked up after a few rings.
"Hello?" She replied with her strong accent. By her tone, I could tell she didn't even check the ID. It was easy for her to get distracted.
"Hey, Jen. Mind if I come visit you?"
"OH HEY GUNNY! Yeah sure, you know you can come whenever you want!" Jenna squealed with excitement, causing me to giggle.
"Okay, I'll be there in a bit. Can I bring some friends along?"
"Sure thing!"
"Thank you, bye Jen."
"No worries, see you Gunny." we both hung up and I couldn't help but roll my eyes and smirk at that stupid nickname. I really liked Jenna though. It wasn't like me to really have friends, but I always got along with Jenna, she was for certain one of the very few people I cared for.
I texted Brian and Alex but they said they were currently too busy, so I texted Justin asking him if he could drive me and spend a nice time at my cousin's. He sounded a little surprised that I had called him. Indeed, he was a bit hesitant, but eventually said it was fine with him.
I sat on the bench of my porch and waited for him for about five minutes, he didn't live very far, given that Lowell is a small town.
He stopped his car opposite my porch and motioned for me to come in. I stood up with a jump and walked toward the car, then opened the car door and sat in the passenger front seat.
"Hi." he saluted as I put my seatbelt on.
"Hey." I responded. "We need to talk." he sighed and nodded, getting what I meant, and started the car. He inserted the address in the GPS of the car as I leaned my head on the seat.
We needed to sort the Jarrod thing out. I was about to open my mouth again to speak, when my phone buzzed. As if reading my mind, it was a text from Brian.
Brian: Are you with him?
I immediately typed a reply.
Me: If you mean Justin, yes. What's with that?
Brian: Don't talk to me like that and don't be stupid, thanks. It's dangerous and you know it.
Yes, I knew it might be dangerous. I was there too when Jarrod attacked Brian and I knew that could happen again. But I needed a ride and wanted to clear things up. And let's not forget that Justin was my friend now, and friends take care of friends.
Me: It's okay, mum. I got it.
Brian: I'm just looking out for you! But whatever, do what you want, I don't care.
Me: Someone's pissy.
Brian: Fuck off Lyndsey.
I rolled my eyes. I knew he was trying to warn me, and I guess that's nice from him. But I hated that he had absolutely no trust in Justin. He wasn't a monster, he was going through about the same things as us, and Brian more than anyone else should know what it means to be treated that way... He should give him a chance.
"Big bro is worried?" Justin asked and I laughed.
"It's just... Brian isn't sure about this." I confessed. "I'm sorry about him." he shook his head.
"No, it's okay... I don't blame him if he doesn't trust me..." he replied, sounding a bit hurt. He was clearly trying to hide it though.
"You remember what happened...?" he shook his head firmly.
"No, but I must've done something. I mean, he must've done it." he then turned to me while passing the venue.
"You've seen him, didn't you?" he asked with an apologetic look. I bit my lip, not sure of what to answer- he looked so vulnerable at the moment. I fiddled with my fingers and nodded furiously.
"I'm sorry." he said in his most sincere tone and looked away, trying to keep his eyes on the road.
"It wasn't your fault. But the thing about... jail, well, would you like to explain?" I asked carefully. I really hoped 'jail' wasn't a taboo word. When Brian mentioned it, Justin turned into Jarrod and not nice things happened soon after.
"Yeah... I was at a party- well, Jarrod was. I don't like parties and stuff like that." He started and swallowed hard.
"There was this pretty girl and Jarrod seemed to be interested in her. He didn't do anything bad but flirt with her and bother her, and some guys didn't appreciate it. That was my- Jarrod's first fight. And one thing pulls another, we ended up in jail." he explained in a shaky voice.
You could tell he was very ashamed of this story, and I admired his courage in telling it.
"After that, there have been several fights, but nothing too big to leave me in jail. I was a minor though, during most of these events. But I was terrified." "Of what?"
"Of myself! It's not like he's someone else and I can stop me. He's a part of me, my darker side... I didn't know what to do. I couldn't control it..." it was dark, but I noticed he was on the verge of tears. That sight really saddened me, bad things always happen to good people. Screw karma.
We decided to drop the subject for a while and spend the rest of the time in the car jamming to cool bands on the radio, such as Three Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Hole and Nightwish, some of my favourites.
It was a thirty minute ride, but it felt shorter than it actually was. I usually got lost in the landscape when coming there in the countryside, admiring the trees that surrounded me, the green of the place. But now I didn't even notice how close we were to my cousin's house.
Justin was currently parking near the red shed of my uncle when I stopped looking at the window and finally turned to him.
"You know... I-I don't know exactly how this works, but I'm sure you'll be able to control it, one day. You shouldn't give up on taming your demons." I said, trying to sound steady and confident, but I think it didn't come out as strong as I wanted it to.
He gave a sad, unconvinced smile. His bright white teeth shining in the darkness. The moisture outside was proved by the windows of the car, turning steamy. But it was fine, I like cold and I like humidity.
"You can't tame a monster when the beast is the tamer himself." he said, and turned off the car.
No, that wasn't true. Giving up is never the answer. Just a few days ago I would agree with him, and maybe that was one of the many reasons why they had diagnosed me with depression. But something deep inside me was slowly transforming, and even though I didn't fully believed in what I said, I was desperately trying to bring myself to believe it.
Thinking of it now, I had never been able to enjoy life, and I still wasn't. I don't know how nor why I kept trying to cheer the other people up when I was down myself. I guess things were just different to them, they could still have hope. Their battles weren't lost yet, their lives wasn't over.
I always felt hopeless, but this one thing kept haunting me and dragging me to have a little, tiny spark of hope and trust, that even my '''severe depression''' wasn't going to shut down: my dreams. They were the only reason why I hadn't given up yet. Perhaps it was my curiosity that took me to this, but I didn't care, I just wanted to prove myself that I wasn't crazy.
This is not just all in your head.
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A/N: happy Pitch Perfect 2 Day!