VANESSA
"How do you feel about that?"My therapist asked me."Is there truth to it... Do you feel abandoned by your husband since you moved to New York?"
"No, I don't feel abandoned by him. I know that the business is important to him and his family, and I don't want to come between that. I'm okay with this."
My therapist nodded while continuing to write in his notepad. I often wondered what was written on those pages, notes on me and my mental state or maybe little stick figure drawings out of boredom. I think I'll go with the first one.
"You can be honest here."He replied."Whatever you may feel, it's okay."
I looked down at my ring finger while I thought of Jeremy."I guess I just thought that he would be angry with me. He was at first, but it didn't last long. It surprised me because I'm used to him being somewhat of a hothead. He doesn't like me keeping things from him."
"Did you want Jeremy to stay angry with you?" He asked and I didn't reply."It would make it easier wouldn't it, to keep the secret about the baby if he was angry with you?"
I looked away, feeling uncomfortable with the sudden topic of conversation. Everything will always come back to the baby. The accident that Ollie caused that night, killing my parents, caused a domino effect of shit that happened in my life. It's never fucking ending.
"Deep down you think you deserve that, you deserve the anger and the guilt that comes with keeping this secret from him. You want your husband to be angry with you because in your eyes, little by little you would be paying the price."
"I regret what I did. Every day I wake up with this overwhelming feeling of guilt because of this lie, because I didn't give our baby a chance at life."I wiped the tears from my cheeks with the knitted sleeve of my cardigan."I always think about him, what he would be like if I had him."
"Him?"He asked.
"I guess there was no way of me knowing, but I always imagined it was a boy. Dark hair like Jeremyʼs and green eyes like mine... Maybe... I don't know."I sniffled and gave a half smile at the thought of what my baby would've looked like.
The room was quiet and my therapist waited for me to speak more. I noticed the birds on the tree outside the window, as well as a nest with eggs inside.
"They've been there a couple of days.."He said and caught my attention."What are you thinking about right now?"
I exhaled a breath."I um... I wish that I protected my baby. At the time I didn't feel like I had a choice, but I did. I had a choice. I think my Mom and Dad would be ashamed of my choices if they were alive."
He wrote in his notebook again before looking at me."Are you still keeping the journal?"He asked and I nodded."Continue to write down your thoughts and your dreams. And I suggest writing a letter to your husband, not to give to him, but to unload your feelings on paper. It might help with the guilt you're experiencing."
Having my secrets on paper. That's a disaster waiting to happen. I guess I could always burn it afterwards... you know, just in case.
I nodded my head again."Okay."
"I've forwarded your files over to a therapist I know in San Francisco... He's good at what he does. I've already spoken with him and he will call you to set up an appointment in the coming days. We've made progress here, Vanessa. I hope you will continue with the appointments."
Another therapist. Another person to open up and share my story with. But what good would it do? They listen... But none of them understand.
"How do you feel about the move?"He asked."It's normal to feel anxious about going back to where it happened."
His question stayed with me as I taped up the last of the boxes in our master bedroom. Leaving this apartment didn't bring any emotion because it was never home. I wasn't going to miss it... But perhaps the time alone Jeremy and I have had together. Just the two of us.
Arms laced around me and he whispered in my ear."Happy Anniversary."
My lips curved into a smile."And I thought you forgot."I chuckled and turned around to look at him. The handsome face I've missed all day.
"Never."He leaned in and kissed me, his hand was placed on my cheek. It's our anniversary but this is the first we've seen of each other today."I'm sorry I left so early this morning, I had a lot to get done before we leave and I didn't want to wake you."
"Well I wasn't thrilled about waking up in bed alone, but I'm sure you can find a way of making it up to me."I laced my arms around his neck.
He smirked."I have every intention of doing that."He picked me up in his arms and carried me towards the bed. He was trying to be romantic, which I liked. Jeremy knocked into some boxes and they fell over. A bunch of my books fell out onto the floor."Damn it!"He said and I chuckled.
"It's okay it's just my books."
He set me down on the bed and started picking them up and putting them back in."This is not exactly how I imagined spending our first anniversary."
"You mean surrounded by movers and a sea of boxes."I chuckled. This isn't exactly how I pictured our first anniversary either... but here we are.
"Not to mention our flight to San Francisco later. I was hoping to surprise you with something, a romantic break somewhere maybe. You and me... just the two of us."
"That sounds nice. Maybe we could do it in a few months when we're settled back into our life there. I don't care as long as we're together."I watched him as he stood up and stacked the boxes, one on top of the other.
One book he noticed he had missed and picked it up and looked at it."What's this?"My husband asked while looking at the blank cover. He began to open it. My heart started to pound in my chest.
Oh no! My journal!
"Don't open that, that's my journal."I snapped and jumped from the bed. I pulled it from his hands quickly and he looked at me with surprise on his face."I'm sorry, I just don't want anyone to read it."
"I'm not anyone."He replied.
"I know. I just mean, this is therapy so what I write inside is just for me."I looked down at the notebook in my hands. Like I said before, recipe for disaster.
"You never mention what you talk about in therapy."
"I guess that's the point. I talk through my issues with my therapist so I don't need to bother anyone else with them."I crossed the room and placed my notebook in my bag and zipped it.
Safe and sound.
"You can talk to me anytime. You know I'm here."Jeremy glanced in the direction of the door as two mover men walked into the room and started to load boxes.
"I know."I replied and smiled. The talk of therapy I'm not fond of. What I talk about with my therapist I only discuss with him because he can help me. Maybe Jeremy can listen, but sometimes I worry about being a burden on him.
Sometimes I worry that I'm holding him back. I'm still stuck in the past, the trauma of what happened, but for him, it's like it never happened. Except for when he looks at me... I think I bring it all back.
I was standing in the living area of our new San Francisco apartment. It was the penthouse apartment, of course, my husband only likes the finer things in life. Luxury living, expensive cars and designer clothes. Although I've been in and out of the Austin's lives for a couple of years, I'm still not used to their lifestyle.
"I was hoping you would forget that thing."I heard Jeremy say and I smiled.
"How could I forget something so precious? I know it's your favourite painting."I replied, teasing him and knowing full well that it was the only thing that we'd had in our home that he hasn't liked.
"That and those furry cushions you bought for the living room."He set two wine glasses down on our new Bronx coffee table. He was good enough to set the glasses on coasters by the way. I've been teaching him well.
"I thought you liked those cushions."I said in disbelief.
"Only that they felt good against my ass. When we fuck on the couch the leather sticks to my skin and it's uncomfortable."He smirked knowing that he was being cheeky and poured wine into two glasses.
"Wow! I'm so glad I got rid of them before we moved, that's so gross. Sweaty balls on my fluffy cushions, they were $20 each."I chuckled.
"I did us a favour, trust me."He handed me a wine glass."The painting of the doll with the crazy eyes is your favourite, I put up with it because I know how much it means to you."
I smiled and looked down at it."It brings back memories of that trip we took. Remember that awful hotel we checked into that was run by that sweet old couple."
That painting brings me back every time I look at it and it brings a smile to my face. Just like wearing a new perfume on my wedding day. I wear it on special occasions and it brings me back to the day I married him. One year ago today.
"I remember that lady having a thing for dolls. She had a whole collection of them in the living area. Creepy-looking things."He shivered."I have nightmares even thinking about it."I chuckled and he did too.
There was silence between us as I removed some framed photos from a box and looked at them one by one before setting them in a pile. There was some of the family but most importantly our wedding ones. The second wedding not the first.
"Are you okay... I mean with being back?"He asked as he watched me from the couch."When we came back a couple of months ago you weren't exactly thrilled with how things went. The incident at the mansion, the dinner with Ollie..."
"This was my idea remember? I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to."I replied quickly and stood from the floor. I didn't want a reminder of how bad things were. I picked up my wine glass from the coffee table and had a drink.
"Promise me that you will tell me if you're not okay. Being here is important for the business, but you come first."I nodded in reply. He smiled and rested back on the chair."Come here."
I set my wine glass down and walked towards him, he outstretched his arms and guided me towards his lap. I sat down on him and his arms came around me.
I moved my fingers through his hair and smiled. "I want to be here I promise."I moved my face towards his and pressed a teasing kiss to his lips.
"I think that's enough unpacking for one night." Jeremy whispered against my neck. He trailed sweet kisses down my neck towards my breasts and I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth.
"Mmm."I moaned."It is our anniversary after all."
I've been waiting for some of my husband all day. I gripped his T-shirt and moved it slowly up his body and over his head. I moved my hands down his muscles. The feeling of his toned body under my fingertips turned me on.
I kissed him intensely, pulling his bottom lip with my teeth. Around us was silence, there wasn't even noise from traffic down below which was a nice change. It was just quiet.
Jeremy undid the buttons down the front of my yellow daisy sundress, the thin fabric belt of my dress was now loosely tied in a bow around my middle.
"Do you want me?"I whispered teasingly against his ear and I could feel him grow underneath me. I stood in front of him and undid the belt of my dress so it opened more.
I was wearing a nice matching lingerie set because I know my husband likes to catch me off guard and I wanted to be prepared. I wanted to look nice for him. I also have a little something put aside for later, that I know he's going to love.
"Yes, I want you."He replied. His eyes were fixated on the naked skin under the dress."Come here."
"Not until you get a little more naked."
Jeremy smirked at my words and undid his belt and his trousers. I watched him as he removed them until they were in a pile at his feet. His cock was hard and on show.
I'm ovulating... maybe this month I will get pregnant, I thought.
My panties slipped down my legs slowly teasing him, building anticipation. I threw them at him and he caught them. Jeremy chuckled.
"Come here."He demanded and I did what he asked. Jeremy guided me down onto his cock and the pleasure started to build.
His arms came around my waist, under my dress that was unbuttoned and still hanging on my shoulders. He had full control of my body, how it moved, how fast or how slow. Right now at this moment, he wanted it slow, he wanted intimacy.
My lips pressed against his and his tongue swirled with mine. He tasted of the sweet wine we had been drinking. Jeremy's hands grasped my bare ass and I moaned against his mouth.
"I love you."He whispered and I smiled and kissed him again.
"I love you."I whispered back. He moved my body at a faster pace and my moans of pleasure filled our new apartment. Suddenly our apartment intercom rang from the hallway startling us both. I stopped moving and looked in the direction of the hallway."Who is that?"
"I don't know, they'll go away in a minute."His lips pressed against my neck."Keep going."The ringing stopped. I did as he said and continued to move up and down on him.
The intercom rang again.
"Fuck!!"My husband hissed in utter annoyance.
He moved me aside and I sat on the couch. He stood up and put his trousers back on while the ringing continued."I'll go check who it is. Don't get dressed."
"Okay, Hurry."I sat on the couch waiting while he walked into the hallway. The ringing stopped and I could faintly hear him talking but I couldn't make out what he was saying.
I wondered who it was. We've only just moved in and it's a little after 8, no one even knows where we live yet.
I heard Jeremy's footsteps towards the living area before he came into view."Who was it?"
"Leon from the front desk, My parents are downstairs."He replied while walking towards the couch. All my hair stood on end. I was partially naked and his parents were down in the lobby.
"Are they coming up?"I asked, already standing from the couch and getting dressed anyway.
"Yes, I didn't have any other choice."Jeremy grabbed his T-shirt from the floor and put it on. I started to button up my dress and fix myself so I wasn't indecent.
"We've only just moved in... How did your parents know where we live?"I asked as I tied the belt of my dress. I searched the floors for my underwear.
"You know what my mother is like. I could never get anything past her." The doorbell rang and he looked in the direction of the hallway.
"Jeremy, my underwear. I can't find them."I got down on my hands and knees to look under the couch. My bottom was showing, slightly giving him a view."Everything is packed and I don't know what box they're in."
"Guess you're going to have to go commando."He replied with a smirk on his face as he walked towards the hallway. The doorbell started to ring again.
"That's not funny. Jeremy..."I whispered in hopes that he would come back with my underwear in his hands like he was just joking around. But he didn't. I heard the door open and the sound of Tom and Ava as they walked into our apartment.
Crap!!
Of all days to be commando, why did it have to be this one?