The next few days were spent planning the finite details of Mrs. Franks' memorial service. To lend additional support, I chose to extend my trip and help organize the grim event. In honor of Mrs. Franks request to be cremated, we decided to host an intimate gathering within her backyard.
Tonight, we prepared the house for friends and family visiting to mourn her passing. Outside, we hung colorful lanterns that lit up the landscape with a warm gradient and set up tables and chairs for prospective guests. Around mid-afternoon, people began to arrive and, by sundown, the yard was packed with dozens of Mrs. Franks' closest acquaintances.
As families continued to trickle in, I remained isolated inside the comfort of my childhood room. Oddly enough, it now felt strange to be in the same room that once held so many fond memories.
From the bedroom window, I had a clear view of the backyard, where I watched as clusters of individuals with vaguely familiar faces began to stealthily occupy the ground space. Slipping on a ribbed black dress and tying my hair into a neat updo, I decided that I had stalled long enough in joining the festivities.
The first person I saw when I reached the bottom of the stairs was Sarah. She appeared hard at work in the kitchen, diligently preparing more snacks at one of the long counters. Christopher, who stood by her side, briskly planted a quick kiss on her cheek before heading out the backdoor. It was hard to miss the way his hand had lingered on her shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.
Up until this point, I had my suspicions about the nature of their relationship. Were they friends or lovers? However, the interaction shared between them just now provided all the clarity I needed to conclude that the two were indeed intimately involved.
"We've been together for three years, in case you're wondering." Sarah spoke flatly into the air, seeming to detect my presence without turning around.
"Uh, congratulations." I replied, unsure of the proper response to evoke in a situation like this. Was it even legal to date your former foster sibling?
"Look Raya, I want to formally apologize for the way I treated you as a child. I wish I could blame it all on simply being young and dumb, but that still doesn't excuse my actions. Now that I'm older, I really want to work towards building a friendship with you. I think that that's what Mrs. Franks would have wanted. For the both of us, at least." She stated, while she continued to busy herself with loading more trays with crackers, cheese, and dip.
Taking a moment to process her words, I could sense the sincerity in them. No longer wishing to cling onto the traumatic memories of my past, I decided that it was time to let go of any resentment and move on. My life had changed for the better and I would rather bask in that.
"It's okay. I forgive you." I left my place near the staircase to fully enter the kitchen.
Sarah turned towards me, just as I began to help her organize the remaining snack trays. I could sense that my words had taken her by surprise. However, as dazed as she was, she chose not to respond. Instead, we silently finished replenishing the refreshments together and, when all the trays were filled, she gestured for me to follow her to the backyard.
We placed the first round of snacks onto a table arrangement set in the center of the lawn. Unfortunately, we had to make multiple trips back to the kitchen to ensure all of the food was restocked. When the tedious task was finally complete, I continued following her in the direction of the outdoor fire pit.
However, just as I took a few steps away from the snack table, my heel got caught on a hollow crack on the unsteady pavement. My eyes instinctively shut, as I braced myself for a humiliating fall that never came.
To my luck, I was saved by the firm hold of a stranger. I nearly fell again from the blunt force emitted from colliding with their massive body, but I was prevented from landing on the hard cement floor when two hands wrapped securely around my waist.
Hoping to express my gratitude to whoever had been responsible for stopping my fall, I gazed up only to meet the obsidian eyes of—
"Kendall? What are you doing here?" I asked, quite shocked to see him at the Franks' house of all places.
"I should be asking you the same question." He retorted, eyeing me carefully.
At the feel of his manly hands still pressed tightly around my body, I suddenly realized how close we'd been standing. Releasing an exaggerated cough, I attempted to quickly distance myself from him. He seemed to take notice of my apparent awkwardness and returned the sentiment by clearing his throat. He then coldly removed his hands from my waist, as if in fear that his fingers would magically turn to dust. The place his hands formerly occupied now felt empty.
"I knew Mrs. Franks. She was a family friend." I said, unsure of the reason why I was choosing to be so vague. He nodded his head, not quite buying the curt response.
"Oh, I'm so glad you're here!" Anne Marie yelled from behind me, intentionally shoving me out of the way to greet Kendall. She clung onto his arm with an unrequited admiration, consistent with the alluring effect he seemed to have on most women he encountered.
"Hello Anne." He impatiently dismissed, moving away from her grasp and returning his attention to me.
"C'mon, don't be like that. Just because she's returned all of a sudden, doesn't mean we can't still have fun. Don't you remember how much you enjoyed yourself the last time you were here?" Anne Marie's words began to fuse together, exposing that she had clearly exceeded her threshold of alcohol for the night. I almost pitied how pathetic her drunken pleas were, but Kendall showed no remorse.
Yet, I did wonder about one thing. Last time you were here? Just how often did he visit this place and what exactly was his reason for coming...
"Wait, have you guys really not seen each other since the day she left?" Anne Marie questioned, giggling to herself like she had been made aware of something that Kendall and I both hadn't.
"Anne stop, you're drawing unwanted attention." Sarah scolded, just as she approached us.
I glanced around and, sure enough, people were beginning to stare in our direction. Sarah eyed Kendall carefully, before peering back at me.
"Well, that 's because Aus-" Anne Marie began to say.
"Kendall. I go by Kendall now." He interrupted, annoyance trickling into his tone.
"Raya, come I want to show you something." Sarah rushed me away, but not before I stole one last glance at Kendall.
But, the man who stared back at me was one that I no longer recognized.
His usual unreadable facial expression now held visible signs of alarm, as his jaw tensed and his eyebrows raised in further realization. Quickly, I watched as his expression darkened to one of pure disgust. I turned away from him, confused as to who or what had caused his face to contort in that way. Sarah continued to pull me away, ignoring my initial reluctance.
"Look, Raya. There's something I need to tell you." I stopped walking once she spoke again, wishing to know what she had to say sooner rather than later.
"What's going on, Sarah?" My attention shifted between her small frame and the place we'd been standing only moments ago. Kendall continued to stare daggers into my eyes, until his expression settled into a glare.
"Kendall, that man back there. He-His name is actually Austin."
Surely, she couldn't have meant my Austin.
The sound of that name being associated with Kendall's was enough to set my mind ablaze. The Austin I knew had been kind, gentle, and caring. In other words, nothing like the brute that was Kendall Fine. So, there was no way she could possibly be referring to my first love.
I refused to come to terms with the conception that the man of my dreams had been right in front of me this entire time and in the form of an arrogant narcissist. That would mean that Austin was no longer a figment of my imagination, but present right now in the flesh and blood.
"Wait, Austin as in the Austin that lived here?" I cut her off before she could continue speaking. She nodded her head, destroying any doubts that I had conjured up in my mind.
"But how?! That can't be true. Kendall doesn't even have a stutter. He's rude and obnoxious, nothing like the Austin I remember."
I released a visible heave, as subtle hints of the connection between the two men began to emerge from my memory. For one, Kendall did tell me I reminded him of someone he knew. Also, didn't the bracelet he wore have the letters A & R encrusted on them?
Had A stood for Austin and R for Raya?
"When you left him without so much as a goodbye, Aust-Kendall was just so distraught. We thought he might end up doing something drastic to himself. So, Mrs. Franks contacted his late mom's parents. They agreed to take him in and raise him in New Jersey. Apparently, they'd wanted to formally adopt him since the first day he arrived at this house, but he refused to go. For you."
For me?
"I-I need to speak to him. Where is he?" I began to distance myself from Sarah, my mind overflowing with anguish from what I had just heard. But, Sarah pulled me back in quite adamantly.
"Wait—there's more. Kendall became severely depressed after you left. He kept asking why you never called or came back to visit. And, with time, his self-destructive thoughts only worsened. He thought you hated him and that he was the reason you chose to leave. I suppose this came from him never dealing with the loss of his mother. It was scary, seeing him get that way. Mrs. Franks knew the only way he'd truly move on from you was if he believed y-you died. I'm so sorry, Sasha."
I shoved her away from me with more force than I meant to apply. I knew it was wrong for me to displace my anger onto her, when I was truly upset with myself. But, in the moment, what I needed more than anything was to find Kendall.
Scanning the backyard for his familiar frame, my eyes failed to locate him anywhere outside. Walking away from Sarah, I headed back inside the house. She didn't follow me, which I was thankful for.
Quietly padding up the stairs, I made it to the bedroom across from mine. My instincts led me to the one place I suspected Kendall might be. The door was slightly ajar, confirming that someone was inside the room.
I nudged the door open, closing it after I entered to guarantee privacy on a conversation I knew needed to happen tonight. Kendall sat on the edge of the boyish bed, evidently too big for it now. His elbows rested on his thighs, as he cradled his head in between his hands.
"Get out." He said, without sparing me a glance.
"No, Austin. I'm not leaving." I replied, thinking of how long I had envisioned what this very moment would feel like. Nothing was going to stop me from letting him know everything I wanted to say.
"Don't call me that. You don't get to fucking call me that. Not anymore." He responded sternly. I tried to ignore the hurt, biting my lip to focus my attention on the sharp pain caused by my grating teeth instead.
"Look at me, Kendall. Please." I whispered, as I sat down on the bed beside him. He turned his head to stare into my eyes for no more than 5 seconds. His stare and demeanor were lifeless, almost prompting me to leave the room and abandon all hopes of ever speaking to him again.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that you feel like I abandoned you. I made one stupid mistake, Kendall. I was just a little girl who finally felt seen by her family, after being neglected her entire life. But, I want you to know that I never stopped thinking about you once. Since that day on your birthday, when we made a promise to one another that we'd be together."
"For fuck's sake, Sasha. I was an immature boy with no understanding of how this shit world functions. I'm not sure if you've noticed, but the boy you once cherished is gone. I'm not Austin anymore. And you're clearly not Raya. So, let's just get past tonight and we can forget that any of this ever happened." Kendall rose from the bed he once owned as a child and stalked towards the door.
I wanted to stop him. No, I needed to stop him.
"Maybe you can just walk away from this, but I can't. I've been in love with you since the first day we met! When I saw you sitting alone on that couch, I just knew that there was something special about you. You've had my heart since the day we made that pinky promise to never leave each other."
Tears defiantly fell down my face, as I broke out into a sob. I couldn't bare to see him leave. A shameful part of me cherished the conversation we were currently having, even if it had been one filled with hatred and one-sided love.
Just as his hand reached the door knob, Kendall stopped in his tracks. He tapped his head harshly against the door panel, before turning back around and taking slow steps towards me. Silence filled the room, as he stared at me with a look so intense that my skin lit on fire. His lips slowly morphed from a frown to a solid line.
"Come here." He directed, outreaching a hand towards me. I cautiously grabbed it, standing up from the bed to meet his tall frame. He towered over me, as I searched deeply into the pits of his eyes for something I wasn't even quite sure I was looking for.
Perhaps it was hope.
"For tonight, I'll be your Austin." He whispered, as he brought me into an embrace.
His sturdy arms wrapped around my back, gently sliding down to the bridge of my hips and securing tightly around my waist. By force of the action, my chest pushed up against his broad borders. My hands took on a mind of their own, moving from my sides to grasp at his muscular chest.
The distance between us sufficiently decreased, as I clenched my fists tightly, taking on a handful of his shirt in both of my hands. A small involuntary tear cascaded down my face, but I wiped it away as quickly as it came. However, more followed. Ugh, why was I crying?
Soon enough, I found myself moving my hands to connect behind his neck. I rested my head along his chest and took in a large breath that allowed me to inhale his cherry scent. Kendall's hands trailed down my hips before they gripped just below my butt. He lifted my legs up so that I could wrap them around his body.
Carrying me back to the bed, he sat us up against the headboard, as we continued to hold onto one another. Entranced in the surreal moment, I hadn't noticed that I was now sitting on top of him. He pressed me further into his lap so that my head was firmly snuggled against his chest.
I felt so safe and warm simply being in his arms. I had always imagined what it would feel like to just be held by him. Now that it had come to fruition, it was easily one of my favorite memories.
We stayed like that for hours, until I slowly drifted off to sleep.
"Raya.." I thought I heard his raspy voice whisper, as warm hands caressed my head and my eyes shut, welcoming in the darkness.
~~~
The next morning, I awoke to the sounds of birds chirping. Stretching my body out across the queen-sized bed, I realized that I still wore the same clothes from the previous day. Memories of the night before flooded my thoughts, as I squirmed my eyes open. I grew heated when I began to remember the intimate moment I had shared with Kendall.
So much, yet so little, had transpired between us. All of which, I hadn't had enough time to emotionally process. I had already found Kendall irresistibly enchanting, but now that I knew that he was my Austin, my want for him had spiked tenfold.
Would things change between us now that we knew who we both were?
Given that my flight back to New York was this morning, I quickly showered and got dressed before leaving my room. As I stepped into the hallway, I silently hoped that Kendall would still be in the room across from mine.
Had he been the one to carry me to bed?
Like old time's sake, I knocked on the door, but was met with silence. After a few seconds passed, I knocked again.
"He's not in there. He left last night." Sarah said, appearing from beyond the hallway corner. I could sense the empathy in her eyes. But I didn't want her compassion. Nor did I need it. I nodded my head, then grabbed my suitcase and walked past her as I went down the stairs.
Outside, I was greeted by a driver who took my luggage and walked me to the parked car that would be taking me to the airport. Taking one final glance at the house, I was thankful that it had somehow brought Austin and I together once again.
"Bye Sasha! Take care!" Sarah and Christopher waved from the front door.
A part of me admired Sarah's efforts to address her hurtful behavior towards me as a child. But, I would need more time to completely forgive her. I had left my number in the bedroom nightstand in hopes that she would reach out to me one day, and I would be ready to talk to her.
For now, it was goodbye. Everything I loved and needed was waiting for me back in New York.