I'm planning to rush to my car after class to have another panic attack. Nothing really happened, Will just seemed distant with me. Maybe it's nothing to do with me or what I said, but anxiety has a sneaky way of making me believe that everything is always my fault.
Before I can even get to the parking lot, someone grabs onto the top strap of my bag and tugs me back. I pause mid step and return my foot to its previous position before I turn around and look up at Will.
He's smiling again and back to his old self, like he wasn't just avoiding eye contact all lesson which sent me into a slight panic.
"My house or your house?" he asks.
I release a confused laugh as my head recoils. "Sorry? I don't understand-"
"Homework. We've gotta test each other on the quiz, right? Your house will probably be better, my family will be home and they'll probably get on my nerves."
"Oh." It finally sinks in what he's talking about. "Yeah, sure. My house is...good."
"Great. We'll go after last period, you can pick me up and I'll be the passenger princess again," he jokes.
I half smile in return, feeling my airways open up again, allowing me to breathe air into my poor lungs.
"Sounds good."
"Any crazy parents or siblings that I need to be informed about? Maybe a mental dog that will rip up my shoes and possibly traumatise me for life?" he questions as we walk to his locker.
"Nope. It'll just be us. My siblings have moved out, and my mum will be at work."
We get to his locker where his friends are lingering around. Beck is leaning against it, blocking Will of being able to open it.
"Move," he demands, physically moving Beck to the side.
"Woah. Careful, Will. Your hulk strength is going to bruise my ribs." Beck reveals a cheeky smile and rubs his ribs as a way of pretending that the physical contact had actually hurt him.
"He's so rude," Lola speaks to me as she sucks on a red lollipop, rolling her eyes in Will's direction.
I'd laugh with her, but I can't when I can see how much he's going through. One thing I've realised over the seven years I've known Will for is that he hides his sadness with his anger.
I wonder if any of his friends realise this, too.
"Are you joining us for lunch?" Isla asks me.
I look over at Will to examine his expression and check that it's okay with him. His eyes glisten beneath the dim lights in the corridor as he waits for me answer. He seems almost hopeful.
I gulp and turn back to Isla. "Yeah. Sure. If that's okay?"
"Of course that's okay," she assures me with a tired smile.
"We're going to the cafeteria. Come on," Lola demands, motioning her head down the corridor.
My hands are shaking and my heart is pounding violently beneath my chest. Never in my seventeen years of life have I ever cared about what others think of me. At least not this much. I've always been unbothered by the pressures to fit in and make friends — just the way I like it.
I can tell my heart is screaming at me to head to the library so I can get lost in the current book I haven't yet finished. I'm dying to read the next chapter and return the magical place I call my home.
As much as it kills me, the book will have to wait.
Time for my social battery to drain and completely exhaust me. I'm dreading this.
"You good?" Will asks me as we stroll towards the cafeteria as one large group.
I force a smile upon my face and nod my head. He must've noticed my fingers that I was picking skin from until they grew red and sore.
My entire body tingles as I glance around the corridors and notice students staring at me. They're most likely wondering what the quiet girl is doing hanging around with the much louder group. They must think we're out of our minds, which I suppose might be true.
I hate the attention. I hate the whispers and the looks that I have never received before. Everyone used to act like I was invisible, and it happened so often that it became the new normal for me.
Being alone has become too comfortable. Now I struggle to engage in simple tasks such as having lunch with peers my age.
"Did you hear Miss Edwards in class today?" Lola asks no one in particular. I have no idea who Miss Edwards is or what class she teaches, so I know for a fact that I'm excluded from this conversation.
My bag is pounding beneath the table, my book trying to escape and run into my arms so I crack open the cover and caress my fingers over the pages, bringing it back to life.
They continue to talk among each other while I pretend to smile and listen. I haven't the faintest idea what they're even talking about, but it would be rude to just sit there with a face like a slapped arse, even though pulling a happy expression is making my cheeks ache.
"What about you, River?" Beck asks me.
My eyes widen when my name is mentioned in conversation, and I try my hardest to focus and remember what they were even talking about. Everyone's heads turn to stare me down as I internally panic and try to think of the right answer.
"Sorry?" is all I can think to say. I don't even try to hide the fact that I wasn't listening by making up a random answer which could either go really well or extremely terribly.
Beck and Brains laugh at what they think is ditsy-like behaviour. They don't realise that my anxiety and low thoughts were distracting me from taking any interest in the conversation.
"What do you think of Mr Peters?" Beck asks slowly, talking to me like I'm stupid.
A blush creeps up my neck and flushes across my cheeks. "Oh. He's alright. Why?"
They all grimace their faces. Ryan is the first to disagree with me. "He's a moody bastard."
"Yep. He's called you out a ton of times," Beck adds.
"And he stops you two from flirting," Brain finishes, pointing his fork between Will and I.
My entire body feels like it's on fire as I scowl at Brains to express the dislike I feel towards him in that moment.
Will throws a chicken nugget at Brains face which helps my mood to perk up slightly. "Shut up. You're such a windup."
"My mistake. Just seems to me that you guys flirt a lot," he teases further.
I want the ground to swallow me whole.
"We're friends," Will reminds him in a warning tone.
"So when a girl and a boy speak, that automatically means they fancy each other?" Isla questions Brains with an unamused expression on her face. "Lola and I are friends with you lot, but that doesn't mean we fancy you. Trust me, I don't want that—" She points to his crotch area and grimaces. "—anywhere near me."
"What a shame," Brain says sarcastically, his lips pulling down to his chin.
Isla rolls her eyes in response and then gives me an understanding look.
I like Isla. I haven't felt a connection with any of them — other than Will, of course. But Isla isn't fake or bitchy, she's just a chilled out girl who seems to always know the right things to say. She's not shy, but she doesn't talk a lot. She's more of an observer who keeps a close eye on other people. The complete opposite of her sister who talks non stop and gossips about everything. Lola's a nice girl, but I'm not sure I would trust her with any of my secrets.
"How did you both meet?" Lola asks us.
I instinctively glance up at Will, because I would much rather he answer the questions that get thrown at us. I'd like to talk as little as possible because I'm afraid that it will come out as a stutter or I'll mess up and say the wrong thing.
"We got sat next to each other in class, and she returned my book to me when I accidentally dropped it."
Lola continues to eat her apple as she nods her head and squints her eyes. "You read?" she asks, pointing to me.
I nod my head and force a small smile. "Yeah."
"Match made in heaven."
Will's head drops into his hands as he shakes his head at Lola. "For fuck sake, can you guys quit it? Loads of people read. That doesn't mean anything."
She expresses a cheeky grin that she shares with Ryan. "I know. I just wanted to wind you up."
Will leans into me and mutters something in my ear that only I'm able to hear. "Please ignore them. They're so embarrassing."
I give him a reassuring smile to ease his nerves. I don't mind in the slightest. That might be because I'm starting to feel slightly numb again. It's most likely caused by the low social battery which has been drained out of me simply by these past thirty minutes.
I pull my phone out of my pocket, only to check the time. My heart almost springs back to life when I realise there's only five minutes left of lunch. Five minutes until I can find my car and breathe again.
Five more minutes.
I can do this.
"Hey, guys," a girl's voice speaks from in front of me, behind Lola's back.
Evie's red hair is curled and bounces off her shoulder that are covered with a white vest top. Necklaces dangle from her neck, and hoop earrings from her ears. The shine from her face shows off the nose piercing which is reflecting the light above us. Large fake eyelashes flutter whenever she batters her eyelids in our direction.
I can tell why Will and her were a couple. They seem to be a match made in heaven.
The tension at the table is unlike anything I've ever felt before. It makes me fiddle with anything I can get my hand on while the awkward moment passes.
"What do you want?" Lola asks her in a less friendly voice.
"Am I not allowed to say hi?"
"We haven't spoke since before the summer. Why are you doing this now?"
Evie glances at me for a split second before she stares back at Lola, pretending that it had never happened. "I miss you."
"You should've thought of that before you slept with Charlie," Ryan joins in. He glances around the room. "Where is he, anyway? Thought he'd be with you?"
Evie's shoulders slouch in defeat. "It was one mistake. Charlie's just as to blame as I am."
"Exactly, which is why we haven't spoke to him either."
Evie ignores them and changes her focus to Will. "How've you been?"
He ignores her and pokes at his food with his fork as a way to distract himself from her presence. His body is tense and his leg is bouncing beneath the table. I can only just catch a glimpse of his eyes that hide behind his hair. There's so much sadness hidden in them that he's stored away for months. It makes me sad to him like that.
"Will, I'm sorry, okay? I really miss you. All of you. I'm just asking for one more chance. We weren't getting on, I was having a hard time at home, you know that."
"And I told you I'd help with that. I was there for you through everything," he finally speaks in a low growl that makes every hair on my body rise.
"I know. I'm sorry, I was stupid. I pushed you away, just like I always do when I turn to self destruct. Doesn't mean I don't still love you."
Lola scoffs before she giggles at Evie's poisonous words. "Honey, you really think that's going to cut it? Like saying sorry is gonna heal everything you put him through? You broke his heart."
I can see the rage that Evie is dying to let loose on them, but she keeps it well hidden. She's almost a better actress than I am.
"Anyway, Will's moved on. Can't you tell?" Lola twists her head and points her index finger right at me.
It's like her finger sends out a shockwave and hits me right in the stomach, sending electric bolts to run through my veins and shock me in the heart.
I look to Will. Will looks to me. We're both as confused as each other.
My lips peel away from each other as I open my mouth to object to Lola's lies, but she stops me before I can ruin her big plan that was left a mystery to all of us.
"See? He's happy now. She makes him happy. You can leave."
I widen my eyes at Lola, trying to somehow explain to her that I don't like getting involved in drama, nor do I like confrontation. I've said before that small things set me off into a state of deep depression. Being yelled and insulted is one of those things, and by the look on Evie's face, I can tell she despises me.
In moments like these, I wish I could shift-shape into one of those strong book girls who I always read about. They stand up for themselves, they act confident, they don't take anyone's shit. But I'm not like that. As much as I would love to be a person who can come up with good comebacks on the spot, it's just not me.