[OLI]
I woke up the same as I had every day since Melody left; Down. Sad. Lonely. I know she wasn't here long and I know we weren't actually together, but I fucking missed her. I missed walking downstairs and seeing her at the kitchen bench, having her tell me I looked like shit and then smiling at me cheekily because she knew I wouldn't ever say the same thing about her. I missed her interrupting me as I made a coffee, coming up and hugging me after checking Matt wasn't around, I even missed her asking me to make her fucking pancakes when I was still half asleep. Christ. I was pathetic.
"OK, come on killjoy. You can't mope around forever." Matt said whenever he saw me; something of that nature anyway. He didn't get it though. He didn't understand why I was so down because he didn't know how deeply I actually felt for her. Maybe I didn't even realise it until now either? I thought the physical stuff was going to be the obvious, glaring thing I would miss, but in fact it was probably the thing I missed least. I missed her laugh, her smile, her stupid lyrics and terrible singing, the playful digs she took at me... I missed her in a way that went so deep into my soul, not just my body. I don't think I even missed my fucking ex as much when she left me, and we were actually together.
Matt tried to get me to go out and to do stuff with him, and sometimes I did - just watching a movie or going out for a drink or whatever, but I didn't really enjoy it. I think he thought going out to the pub, being social and trying to meet people would make me feel better, but it didn't. I didn't want to meet anyone, certainly not yet when I was still completely hung up on Mel. The pub just made me think about the times I'd been there with her; how I'd seen the guy Mel lost her virginity to, how she'd flirted with me so blatantly, how she invited me to Fashion week; the trip that changed everything... every memory, none bad, but causing me grief never the less. Going to the movies was meant to take my mind off everything too, but all it made me do was remember the time she faked a headache so we could have time alone at the house. I think that was the night we officially labelled ourselves friends with benefits, though my memory was kind of fuzzy on that. I even went to my house and tried to focus my energy into the renovations there; choosing paint colours and that kind of shit, but even my unfinished home reminded me of her and the times we'd gone there to have sex because we had nowhere else. There was no escape. Everything reminded me of her. Two days after Mel left, Matt called an early day of tour rehearsals; I think to try and get me focused on something else. I thought if anything could help me take my mind off her, that screaming angry lyrics and talking to the guys about their lives would surely make it all feel easier, and it did for a while, but then Lee asked if I wanted to rehearse that 'new' song; the one I wrote with Mel when she first arrived in town, the one about Corey, the one I'd named 'Don't fuck with the Melody'... I literally couldn't do anything. Sheffield was fucking full of memories and even though none of them were bad, they just made it impossible for me to get her out of my mind for a single god-damned minute. I kind of wished she'd done something horrible so it would be easier for me to let her go.
I didn't have a lot of motivation to get up, I hadn't since Mel left, but about four days after she'd gone, I decided I needed to try and do something. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness wasn't going to go away, but I couldn't become a fucking complete shell just moping around forever. I decided to go and make myself a coffee before burying myself in writing lyrics. I hadn't touched my lyric book in days, almost afraid of what might come out of me, but if there was one thing I could do when I had a lot going on in my head, it was put the feelings down on paper and at least maybe make something useful out of them. I knew I needed to do it, and I hoped getting all of my thoughts and feelings out onto paper would make me feel a bit lighter.
As I headed downstairs that particular morning, Matt was leaning against the kitchen bench, looking at his phone. "Hey man." he said as he looked up at me with this uncomfortable look on his face. I fucking hated that look, it was the 'bad news' or 'something you're not going to like' look.
"What?" I asked impatiently. He just looked at me and let out a breath.
"It might be nothing but, I just want you to hear it from me rather than somewhere else." he said. What the fuck? My mind immediately went to Melody and I already felt sick. "Corey's trying to get Mel back..." he said, leaving the sentence open like there was more. My body tensed. I felt instant rage, anger, fury... my heart had immediately started racing in my chest. I fucking hated Corey for everything he'd done to her. I was jealous too, but Mel wasn't stupid, she wouldn't go back to him. Matt was still looking at me with that same horrible expression. "What? Just say it." I stated. It was clear there was more and it was annoying me that he wasn't just telling me.
"He's in the Bahamas. They went to dinner last night." he said. His words took a moment to sink in but my body went numb the moment they did. I was in total shock. Honestly I didn't believe it at first, but Matt turned his phone to show me some American gossip website and there it was, without a doubt; a photo of Mel and Corey together in a restaurant. I was angry, I was jealous, I was dumbfounded but more than that, I was fucking hurt.
"Maybe nothing even happened." Matt said like he was trying to make me feel better. Nothing was going to make me feel better. I couldn't not jump to conclusions when it was there in black and white in front of my face.
I felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to my chest, like there was this heavy weight on me and I could barely even fucking breathe. The immediate devastation had already turned into anger and I was so fucking pissed off, at who, I wasn't even sure yet. "Pretty sure he didn't fly down there for nothing, Matt, but whatever. She can do what she wants." I replied. I couldn't think straight. I was so angry at her, at both of them. I know Mel said time and time again that what we were doing was just sex and wasn't meant to mean anything, but it felt good, it felt real. I convinced myself that she didn't mean it when she said it was just physical, at least not by time she left... God I was an idiot. Was she still in love with him the entire time? Was I just a fucking rebound? I must have been blind or seeing things with a warped perception, because I thought we had something fucking amazing, even if she would never speak about it or acknowledge it. Clearly I was wrong. Clearly it really did mean nothing to her, meanwhile I was fucking falling in love with the girl.
I left Matt and headed back to my room, unable to endure one more second of him looking at me with awkwardness and pity. I threw myself onto my bed and screamed into my pillow... Mel was so fucking stupid for going back to Corey, but I was even more stupid for fucking entertaining the idea that she felt anything for me. What a fucking joke.
To say that news was consuming me would be an understatement. It was eating me from the inside and I couldn't think about anything else, nothing. I thought not being able to escape my memories was bad, but this was like living a nightmare. I replayed every fucking day I was with her in my head, every glance, every time we'd had sex, all of the laughter, the funny shit, the way she taunted me, teased me... and all of the moments that felt fucking perfect; like when she'd just smile at me from across the room or play with my hair for no reason, or the times she'd let her guard down and fall asleep in my fucking arms like there was nowhere else she'd rather be. Fuck. The more I thought about it, the more the anger went away and all I was left with was sadness. I hated how much it hurt. I hated how empty I felt. I hated that it felt like a break up, worse than any I'd ever had before. I hated knowing that the happiness I felt, the happiness that grew bigger and bigger the more time I spent with her wasn't coming back. Mostly though, I hated that I now knew she wasn't missing me at all. I didn't know what I thought was going to happen between us, but I was holding onto hope that maybe I had a chance if I just gave her time and space. Maybe one day she would want a relationship and the stars would align for us, maybe she would give me what I had always wanted. I guess not.
I took out my lyric book, trying to ignore all of the memories of her associated to it, and I opened it to a blank page. I stared at it as my mind raced with words and thoughts; a general jumble of absolute shit, but eventually I sat up and started scribbling, spewing my thoughts and feelings out uncontrollably. I guess our new album was going to be full of songs about betrayal and heartbreak.