I can feel it in the air—Something is wrong...I don't know what. But something...is off. I mean, Mondays often suck but damn...this is a special kind of awful.
I knock on Tanya's front door; waiting patiently for her to open quickly like she always does. But ten minutes since knocking the first time, I'm still standing on the porch, wondering if she's occupied with Terri or something.
"Come on, girl," I sigh. Then suddenly hear Terri cry hysterically from inside the house.
Gripping the doorknob, I realize it's unlocked. Was it unlocked this whole damn time!? Rolling my eyes, I enter and run up to Terri who's crying in her bouncy chair.
"Hey, bestie, what's wrong?" I ask. I pick her up and try to comfort the little princess. Glancing around, I spot half-eaten breakfast on the countertop. Walking over to it, I lay a finger over the plate and feel its' warmth. Hmmm. Confused, I ask Terri, "Where's mommy?"
Now calm and playing with my long feather earring, Terri points up.
"Smart girl," I smile as I run upstairs toward Tanya's bedroom. With Terri still in my arms, I open Tanya's door and step in.
Her perfume lingers in the air as I notice her face down on her bed. Laughing, I put Terri down to play with some toy blocks sitting in the corner before strolling to Tanya.
"Get up, girl, you're about to be late for work," I state as I push her. When she doesn't move, I shake her harder. "Tanya!" I shout louder, hoping a busted eardrum will at least wake her.
With Terri happily playing with the blocks, my heart sinks as I realize what's going on. Fuck. My body slackens as my eyes lie upon the now-empty Ambien bottle on her dresser.
~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Cradling Terri in my arms, I look on as the paramedics lift Tanya into the ambulance. She lies motionless on the stretcher, though with a heartbeat...a minor miracle in itself. She took the whole damn bottle. Deja-vu slams into my bones as my heart feels heavy with a far too familiar burden.
A blood-curdling screech pounces into my ears, shaking Terri and I. Following the sound, I see Shana swiftly exiting her car to embrace Terri and me. I shut my eyes at the squeeze as they quickly suffocate with heavy tears.
"It's okay, it's okay," Shana soothes in a cracked voice. Swallowing through warm tightness, I open my eyes and focus on the concrete beneath me, noticing a group of frogs by the tip of my shoes. Their eyes stare at me with serenity.
~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~~
It's weird...how life plays out. I don't know....the feeling that is producing inside of me. It's brewing.
I could have helped her...I could have helped Tanya.
Tanya. Tanya. Tanya. What the fuck, Tanya.
Reclining against my bed, I swallow a deep sigh, letting it sit in my lungs for a moment before letting it go.
Shana has been on the phone nonstop since we got back to our place with Terri. I can't imagine how Tanya's mother sounded as Shana told her what happened....wait...I can. Heartbroken. She's heartbroken. There was urgency laced in her voice, wanting to save her and her granddaughter.
Shana has also been eyeing me, almost like she's making sure I don't get any ideas.
So fucking exhausting.
I should have forced myself on her. I saw the signs! But instead, I just asked if she was okay, invited her to hang out, and watched her daughter. Why didn't I fucking help her? I knew what she was going to do. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I failed her. I failed Terri.
Is this how they felt when I tried to kill myself? Feeling so ashamed? Hopeless and worried? This feeling... it's sulking.
A couple of knocks on the bedroom door rouse me out of my thoughts. When I turn to face the entryway, I see Layne enter with a smile.
Shana must have called him, I think to myself as I hear Mike's voice before Layne closes my door.
"Hey," he says. As he slips out of his shoes, I offer a small smile. "How are you feeling?" he asks as he lays down next to me.
Without missing a beat, I curl up into his chest and sigh into his warmth. He kisses the top of my head, and I start to relax again, just as I always do when I'm with him. His earthy scent washes over me. Layne's warm scent evades my nostrils, and mmmh, I love suffocating myself with him...I never liked a scent so much. I want to stay here forever.
"She's in a coma," I whisper against his shirt.
Layne sighs deeply, "I know... I'm so sorry, babe."
"...what if she never wakes up?" I ask fearfully.
"She will...she will," he reassures me, though his tone is anything but certain.
But she took the whole damn bottle...I suck in a breath, holding it tightly before letting it out in one slow exhale onto his shirt.
"Can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything."
"...do you know anybody...that tried...to kill themselves...or did?" I feel him nod, sighing again. I'm sorry. "How did it feel?"
"Fucking devastating," he says with a heavy sigh. "Like one of the worst feelings I ever experienced...."
"Were you angry?"
"...a little," he nods, but I can tell he's downplaying his emotion. You can tell me. Then, "are you angry?"
I don't even know how to describe this emotion that's swirling inside me. All I can do is press my forehead into his chest again and sigh in response. "I don't know what this feeling is called," I murmur in frustration.
"It's okay," he gently chuckles, rubbing soothing circles on my back. "It doesn't need to be expressed with a label," he says softly. "It's alright just to feel it."
"You're such a songwriter," I say with admiration. Layne laughs, continuing the massage. "....can you tell me a joke?" I ask him.
"A joke?" He responds in a surprised voice.
"Mmh-hmm," I nod my head in affirmation.
Layne laughs as he thinks of something. "....Okay, so a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar...."
I immediately start to laugh before he can finish, "You better not."
"Okay, okay, I got a better one," he laughs. I lift my head from his chest and look at him, catching his beautiful blue eyes already staring at me. "A Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder-"
"A frog?" I gasp.
Layne smiles, his gorgeous blue eyes sinking deeper into mine. "Yes, babe, a frog," he says before continuing the joke. "So a Rabbi walks into a bar with a frog on his shoulder...the bartender sees and asks, "Hey buddy, where did you get that?" and The frog responds, "Brooklyn. They're all over the place!"
I giggle at the corny joke. Layne laughs along with me, obviously proud of his delivery.
"Where'd you get that from?"
"I can't remember," he laughs, shaking his head. "How are you feeling?"
"A little better now," I smile as I gently stroke his chin. "....you make me feel so good."
"That's my job," he smiles as he kisses my forehead. I giggle as I fiddle with his shirt's top button. It's amazing how quickly my mood changes when I'm with him. You're my favorite distraction. We both remain silent for a while until Layne finally asks, "What's on your mind?"
"Too much shit."
"I love it when you swear," he whistles.
"It turns you on?"
"Mmh-hmm, very," Layne says, licking his lips. "Curse again," he whispers in my ear before looking back at me with a mischievous grin.
Naughty boy. Putting on my best seductive voice, I lean to his ear and whisper, "I want a fucking tasty ass peanut butter and jelly sandwich."
Layne throws his head back, releasing a playful moan from his lips. "You want me to make you one?" he asks through a laugh.
I smile hard at his suggestion, "Mmh-hmm, put your love in it."
"I'll put everything in it," he grins as he chuckles. "My feet, my dick-"
"Ew, stop," I laugh, swatting him away playfully.
Layne quips back with a smirk, "Take it or leave, babe."
I shake my head with laughter, "Shut up."
"You shut up," Layne says playfully, tickling my waist before leaning his head down to kiss me.
I sigh happily against his lips. "I love that you're here...you didn't have to come."
Layne touches my lips with another soft peck, his nose dancing with mine as he begins to pull away. He looks at me with a concerned expression, "When Shana called...I thought something had happened to you. Scared the shit out of me for a second...." I softly massage his head, noticing his voice falling barely above a whisper. "What's happening with Tanya fucking sucks...but if anything happened to you...." he trails off, closing his eyes. "I don't know what I'd do."
His words trigger a shiver in me. I don't know why I feel so shocked that he feels the same way I feel...but I do. Why would I ever leave you? I begin to think...but then remember that I tried to. Not anymore. Not anymore.
"I don't know what I would do too...if I lost you."
"You can't lose me," he smiles cockily.
"If you're immortal, just say that," I shrug with a giggle.
"I'm immortal, babe."
"Go make my sandwich," I laugh, rolling my eyes at his response.
~~~~~ ~~~~~~
As Layne begins to make my peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the kitchen, I head into the living room to check on Terri, who's playing with Mike and Shana. She's such a good baby; I think to myself as I watch her for a minute. She doesn't even know what's happening.
Nope. Taking a deep breath, I turn on my heels and walk into the kitchen. Not ready to face Terri yet. She's just a baby girl; get it together.
"Get out of my kitchen," Layne jokes, once seeing me approaching the counter. Softly laughing, I sit by the counter and watch him. Layne hums a tune as he fixes my sandwich.
"I want lots of peanut butter," I tell him. With dramatic eyes, Layne scoops a big amount of peanut butter on the butter knife and spreads it onto the bread.
I respond in chuckles, admiring him again. I love this man so much; his magnetism never fails to draw me in. He's magnetic. I rake my eyes up and down at him; how could I be so lucky? Mmhhh, my beautiful simple...simple man. I love how his lips constantly turn up into a smirk...and the delicate warm aura radiating from him. Mmmh, and the way he hovers, looking at me. I love his height. The way his blue eyes look into me as I look up like a gentle tree whose leaves rustle in the breeze.
"You look so sexy," I say quietly through hunger. Hungry.
Layne lifts his eyes at me, his eyebrows raised in amusement. "Am I a piece of meat to you?"
"Mmmh, a giant hot dog."
Layne laughs, his eyes lighting up with pleasure as he walks around the counter to meet me with my sandwich.
"You're sexy, too," he says proudly, licking his lips. He passes me my sandwich, and I quickly take a bite, chewing slowly as I look at him. "Can I have some?" I shake my head no, taking another bite. Layne gasps, "No?"
I giggle, bringing the sandwich to his lips. Layne takes a big bite, teasing me with his beautiful eyes and a wicked grin. I tilt my head as we both chew and smile at each other for a minute.
"...I think I need to go back home for a while," I confess to him. I've been thinking about it for a while...since we got back this morning with Terri.
"For how long?" he asks, opening his mouth for another bite. Peanut butter from his tongue wraps around me as I feed him.
"I don't know...I just can't be here right now."
"...I get it," he nods.
"Would...do you want to come? I mean, you don't have to."
"I would love to come. I can't stay for that long, though."
"The album?" I ask him.
"The album," he sighs, rolling his eyes as I hear Terri wobble into the kitchen.