#% ILLIAD MOON <3 !!!
"i'm so conflicted" i shout, throwing myself down onto my bed. felix and seungmin sit in the very corner of my bed, right beside each other as they watch me throw my fit.
i called them as soon as i got back from my walk with hyunjin, i told them it was an emergency and i needed them over as soon as possible. they were over within 15 mins, they said they speeded through all of the traffic lights and almost got into at least 10 accidents.
when i told them what i needed them for they rolled their eyes but decided to listen to my story anyways.
"why are you conflicted?" seungmin asks me.
"moonie liked hyunjin, moonie wrote the letters" felix says and seungmin nods. "yes i know this" he says and i cock a brow. "how do you know that?"
"other than the fact that after you really looked at the letters it made sense, he told us in the cafe last year, like a little after prom" seungmin tells me. i'm baffled and i look to felix for confirmation that this actually happened.
the boy nods and i'm irritated at the fact that he shared that with them.
"he also said that you two got into a small fight after prom and that's why you left, because he got angry that you were the one writing the letters" he continues to tell me about their time in the cafe.
"jesus christ" i roll my eyes and sigh. "but like a month ago he said he was trying to cover up what he said and that he said really hurtful things to you and he wish he could take it back" felix says and i'm intrigued again.
he told me that in person. he told me he wish he could re-do that moment because he would take back all the harmful words he uttered.
take back everything he said to me.
"well that's true" i say and they both nod. "so why are you conflicted" seungmin asks and i sigh. i'm sitting up now, looking both of the boys in the eyes. benny is curled up on felix's lap fast asleep and his cute tired self takes my attention away from our conversation for a split second.
"moonie, back here" seungmin snaps his fingers and i'm back to paying attention to them.
"sorry, it's because like," i sigh before continuing, "i hated him for what he said, he said some of the meanest things ever. maybe not the meanest but coming from him they hurt more than anything ara or her stupid friends could say to me. i hated him for leaving us and hurting your guys' feelings and i know you're over it now but you weren't at the time. you were distraught. i just- i hated the way he treated all of us after he got with ara and i know he was treating us like that because of ara but, it's just a lot."
"and you're conflicted because you like him again?" felix asks and i nod. "well, i don't like him like him but, he's back to being the hyunjin i fell in love with, back to being the hyunjin that was my absolute best friend."
seungmin and felix share a glance before they both turn back to look at me.
"i think you should give him a chance back into your life" felix says and i question him. "are you saying that because you fully forgive him or because you genuinely believe it's the best for me?"
"moonie i don't think you have it in your heart to hate hyunjin forever, it's gonna cause you damage. i, just like felix, think it's the best for you. i think that you'll be relieved of all the stress you have " seungmin says and felix nods.
"the only person we will support you hating forever and ever is na jaemin" felix says and i nod, my posture falling when i hear his name.
the boys recognize my posture change and immediately change the subject but it's too late, i'm already thinking about him.
my bare chest is pressed up against my mattress, the sheets brushing every sensitive part of me.
the light through the window blinds me and i squint my eyes when they slowly open. "good morning sleepyhead" is the only thing i hear from beside me.
i look over and jaemin is laying on his back to the right of me. my arm is over his stomach and he softly traces circles on my bare skin.
"hi" i smile and he smiles back, twice as bright. he leans over and kisses me and i kiss back instantly. "i have morning breath i don't know if you really wanted to do that" i say and he laughs in return.
"you're funny, i could care less if your teeth are about to fall out of your mouth, kissing you is my favorite pastime" he tells me and i can feel my cheeks get red. i bury my face in the pillow so he can no longer see my embarrassment.
he chuckles and i shake my head at him.
i remember everything that happened the night before and i'm blushing even harder. "your ears are turning red" he tells me and i groan. "stop!" i say but its muffled by the pillow.
"funny, you were saying the opposite last night" he says and i'm in shock. i turn my head and a wide and smug grin is plastered on his beautiful face.
"i can't stand you, you know" i say and he shakes his head. "i love you" jaemin says, leaning over to plant a sweet kiss on my forehead.
"i love you" i say and he smiles so wide i swear his cheeks have to be cramping.
"you're the cutest ever" i lean over and pinch his cheek. "you're the best person i have ever met" he says, turning on his side now, i turn on my side too and the two of us just stare at each other.
we're both underneath my large comforter, im beneath a separate white fluffy blanket. i don't check to see if he's still fully undressed but i know i am.
"thank you for sharing your vulnerability with me last night" he says to me and i nod my head.
"thank you for taking care of me and making me feel loved" i say back to him.
a little while later and the boys are gone. i do nothing but sit and wallow in my sadness. benny is nuzzled up to my neck until i fully sit up.
i sit and i cry and i think about everything.
i think and think about what i did to deserve this pain. what i did to make him leave me? am i destined to never be happy? is this the poor cycle of illiad moon?
i fall in love with a guy i maybe shouldn't fall in love with, he breaks my heart into a million little pieces, i start to move on but then i'm swept off my feet by another man.
"this sucks" i sniffle, looking down at benny. his head turns up to me, his bright green eyes looking at me with love.
he gets up from his spot and lays in my lap, snuggling into my thigh. my hand falls down on top of his fur and i pet him softly. the vibration of his purrs make me softly smile.
a text coming in on my phone makes me jump, the loud noise and buzz of it scared the absolute living daylights out of me.
i look down and penny had texted me back. i sent the girl a picture of my ugly crying face and told her how distraught i was about jaemin.
'PENELOPE YANG:
i think you need a few bottles of soju to make
you feel better bae.'
i shake my head, the girl's version of feeling better is always to grab alcohol, take a few shots and then she says she's okay. i tried to tell her that it wasn't good for her and that she was an alcoholic but she didn't listen to me.
penny never listens to me.
i would normally disagree with her and reject the idea of putting alcohol into my body to make myself feel better but the idea sounds like the best thing for me.
i text her back quickly, agreeing that maybe for the first time, getting drunk to get over my feelings, would actually help me.
my phone lights up when i tap the screen, checking the time. its 8:00 pm. which means it's 7 in new york.
i sit there and ponder why penny is up so early before i decide it's not a question i should be worrying about.
my hands push me off of my bed as i go over to my desk to grab all of my keys. i grab my jacket off the back of my door before i salute benny and start walking down the hallway to the grand staircase.
i step over the gate preventing harley from going up the stairs and make my way to the door.
"where are you heading?" my mom asks and i turn around to look at her. she has harley on her hip, her hair tied back and flour all over her. my guess is she's baking inside of the kitchen.
"nice look" i chuckle and she chuckles too before i give her my eventual destination. i can't say exactly where i'm going so i think for a second before i come up with the perfect excuse.
she won't ask many questions.
"i'm going over to hyunjin's. i've kind of forgiven him and he asked to talk further so" i say and i can see my mothers face immediately light up.
when hyunjin and i were best friends she hated when we would fight. before ara, we only ever fought once and that was over something entirely stupid.
well obviously other than our little best friend bickering.
i know she's excited that i'm talking to the boy again. i know she wants him back. whether it's to be her adoptive son again or for me to have my best friend back, i know she's more than excited to see us talking.
"okay, have fun, tell him i say hi!" she says before she turns on her heels and she goes back into the kitchen.
i hate lying to her but i know that if i tell her the truth i'm going to get a lecture on how alcohol won't solve my problems. usually she's right, it won't. but today, it will. it will numb me and i will feel amazing.
my shoes slip on my feet and i walk and walk until i end up at a small convenience store a few blocks away from my house. its a good 3 mile walk and i'm glad i'm taking it. i haven't been to the gym since i've been here.
i grab my bottles of alcohol and ring them up before i leave. my feet take me everywhere and anywhere until i end up at the park, my house is way in the distance but i can see the small lights inside.
i sit on one of the many benches that line the fenced off pond. i stare out onto the water, taking large sips of my alcohol.
one sip. yeah this is going to be good. two sips. my stress is already starting to melt off. three sips. my blinking is getting slower. four sips. already 95% of the bottle is gone. five sips. new bottle. six sips. my eyes want to shut. seven sips. i don't feel a thing.
eight sips. goodnight.
AUTHORSNOTE.zip
penny is in her alcoholic era
and so is moonie don't mind them.
she just needs a little pick me up.
as we all do. anyways i hope you're
enjoying letters, im nearing the end
of my first semester and i'm as
stressed as ever so i'm editing these
chapters to calm myself down.
love you all!!<3 vote and comment
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