When Xiao Zhan started going back to home with the nervous feeling in his chest. He can't wait for a second to say those three magical words to yibo.
After being already this late now every millisecond feels an eternity to zhan, he was feeling if he didn't said it now his inside's will burn with the logging he already felt. yes he wanted to confess his feelings to yibo long ago but his stupidity, low confidence within himself thinking he don't deserve yibo he made so many mistakes. they are already married and he should have take a one step ahed in their relationship and if doesn't wanted them together why he would have been with him all the time?
It was like a fog cleared from his mind and he can see everything very clearly, like a pearl drop of first rain. he surprisingly feeling an different kind of bliss and lightness in his chest.
He was imagining to have yibo in his arms. tbh, he never ever dared to dream but today he want to! He will! And he gave his heart all rights to do that, without any hesitation. The heart which he was caged like a bird today he freed it and let him decided what he wants and he won't go against it. The path of heart will never betrayed you.
He reached in front of his house. he took a deep breath and exhale sharply. He was feeling another feeling too with nervousness, he was feeling scared? he don't know the uneasy feeling inside his chest burning like a volcano. He don't know why his heart giving signs of something worst gonna happen. But he let go those negative thoughts aside for a moment. Currently he wanna focus on yibo. his cute husband and that's it!
Door was surprisingly opned. his bros Kneeted together in confusion but he started to get inside.
"Bo-di"
he called softly. And started to go inside the room upstairs as in the living room and kitchen nobody was there. he saw room was also already opned. He slowly took step inside each step making him feel like a stone. there was a pin drop silence which was unusual as if yibo is inside the house it's impossible for him to stay silent.
"BO-DI"
he called loudly this time feeling little bit weird of the silence. he get inside room and looked around there wasn't anyone there but just a bag but it's was just a one bag. He get inside bathroom hurriedly and there wasn't anyone. he felt some tightness in his chest at the negative thoughts coming in his mind.
But trying to ignore them he took another deep breath. He must be at restaurant! Meeting with Guo Cheng last time. thinking Zhan immediately started to run downstairs and out of the house towards restaurant he badly wanted too see yibo that's it.
When he reached restaurant his breath was rigid he was huffing and sweating by the fear. he saw fanxing was serving dishes he Immediately cluched him from shoulder and asked "Fanxing!! Yi-Yibo.. D-did you see him?"
he don't want to scare the younger but he can't help he was feeling very tightness in his chest making him difficult to breath.
Fanxing was a taken a back by the Xiao zhan's appearance. he confusingly spoke "u-uh yibo gege.. don't he come there where that cute boy took you."
Xiao Zhan's mind went black as he asked shuttering "h-he was there?"
fanxing like a lost puppy noded."yeah what happened? Why are you like this?"
Zhan shook his head "nothing i-i just come here running our bus will be late so thought to see where yibo is gone. I'll check there don't worry" Zhan said with a forced normal expressions he don't want to worry this two with his worry.
Fanxing smiled and spoke "hehe don't worry sean ge, you won't be late as there is another bus for Shanghai too at night."
zhan noded and immediately left from there almost running towards the lake he was with yuan. his mind clouded with so many thoughts about if yibo was there why he didn't see him?
finally he reached at the lake and looking everywhere yibo wasn't there! Okay that's it now fear was real at what happened and what yibo saw and Why he isn't here making zhan to feel his heart at his throat.
He rubbed his face harshly and thought maybe he get back home when he get out to see him.
He repeatedly told his heart and run back to home and to his disappointment the house was totally empty! Like his heart?
He rushed towards his room and again saw in each and every corner again and again finding yibo like he is a size of ant and he can't find him.
God knows for checking hundred'th time he finally fell on his knees and looked at their bedroom. his eyes wondering over each and every corner and some scenes flashing in his mind the time he had spent with his little husband.
His mind started to get blurry and he was feeling very hardened feeling in his chest. His whole body was sweating and he feeling like his death is near thats what the pain he was feeling. not on his body but in his soul, heart and his whole existence feeling numb like someone snached the source of oxygen to his lungs.
He can't breathe! he can't see anything everything is blank and his eyes were red threatening the tears to slide down but had holding it very strongly but his strength weakening by passing seconds as he couldn't able to find yibo anywhere. It's the first time yibo went somewhere without telling him. His mind wasn't working what he should do?
Suddenly he saw the phone fell infront of him and he starred at it weirdly like totally forgoting what he can do with this suddenly his shook head badly and immediately grabbed the phone he immediately searched through yibo's name and called him. His hands were trembling badly as he put the phone in his ears.
After some tut.. tut... tut. The one sound come out of other line and it wasn't yibo's but it was a recorded assistance saying the number you have dialed is currently switched off.
Still zhan dialed again and again and still that response come and each time he was hearing making his heart to feel more tightened.
At last he angrily throw his phone away and which unfortunately crushed by the hit on the wall. Zhan immediately get up and saw the bag he opened it was his clothes.
His body started to tremble at the thoughts as he immediately opened wardrobe and only too find it empty.
Yibo's cloths wasn't there... There wasn't another bag... Yibo was missing.. His phone is switched off.. Yibo come there in a lake to see him.. he saw yuan and him together...
Zhan's hand clenched in fist almost digging his nails he was looking down and shaking his head while continuesly mumbling No.. No.. No!
A wave of air rushed inside the room through the window and a paper sticked on zhan's face. He with a numb hands took out the paper he was about to throw away one word on it caught his attention.
Dear zhan ge.
He immediately get the letter in his hand and watching yibo handwriting he immediately fell on knees again and this time very hardly making his whole fantasy world to crush down with that fall. His body started to tremble very badly he was shaking like a autumn leaf and his hands was trembling he couldn't able to hold that paper his eyes getting blurry as the tears forming in them and he wasn't letting go them still making him more difficult the truth was so shocking for zhan that the letter is something he will never want too accept.
He can see the letter have so maybe drops on it making some words to look blurry like someone cried while writing it. At the thought yibo cried writing it made a thundering stuck at his chest. He was feeling someone was stabbing him with knives repeatedly making his heart to bleed heavily.
He gathered so much strength to wipe his eyes roughly to able to read the words in letter as the blurryness wasn't fading through his eyes. he hold the letter with great difficulty and started to read it.
__________________________________________
𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐳𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐠𝐞,
When you will find this letter I'll be not there definitely. But please don't panic I'm not missing nor someone kidnapped me I'm not there as it was my choice. i-i.. I want to say so many things to you z-zhan ge.. haha.. But seems like faith is not with me to say them loud. don't worry it's not matters now. I'm not angry with you zhan ge nor I'm blaming you! i-im just disappointed. Disappointed at the thing that you don't find me that much worthy to share what you felt. I would have not bothered you zhan ge.. i-i.. Would have been happy if you ones tell me that what you want exactly. I'll not stretch it longer, I'm not the right mind to write anything clearly. I saw you with lizard.. oops sorry your yuan, Yes yours! And I was fool to not understand it in the first place. common zhan ge.. you would have tell me you love your ex lover so much and you even didn't mind to kiss him. but I can't blame you as you was in a forced relationship this forced arranged marriage with the spoiled rich brat. Haha definitely I was that b-but can't tell you what im now.. it's just because of you everything. but I'll cherish it with my everything. whatever you gave me, the taste of sweet friendship, the memories and care you showed to me, thank you for teaching another lesson of my life. That I could able too see a totally different sides of mine. I'm sorry I couldn't able to say last good bye to you, if i was there I think I would be able to let go a soulmate friend that's what you always thought about me and I'm glad you gave me your precious friendship but I'm sad that you hide your love of life from me. Leave it. I'll not be able to stay angry with you longer but I did this not to make you feel guilty. I know you would never let me go because of lu mom's last wish. so I just make it easier for you to get out of this unwanted relationship. I'll send divorce papers soon but It will take a little time till then wait a little bit after that you can marry your yuan. that would be my gift for your marriage. And don't you dare too feel any regrets. you gave me so much which i don't deserve too. So take it as i returned the favor of everything you did for me. I'm sorry the paper is getting wet because of my tears but honestly I'm crying just because, I'm just used to having you by my side but I'll be okay after some time. Please take care of yourself and don't try to find me it will make things worse. & I don't want to mess anything which I already made so much and nor you gonna find me i'm not going back to Shanghai I need some time for myself to clear everything in my mind so please respect my choice and i hope you will forgive me if anyhow i hurted you. I hope yuan will give you those happiness too which I wasn't able to give. He makes you happy and I want you to be happy. and one more thing I'm taking something precious from you with me. Bye Xiao Zhan hope to never cross paths with each other again.
̶Y̶o̶u̶r̶s ̶ 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐢𝐛𝐨.
__________________________________________
Xiao Zhan read that letter again and again. he didn't even realised his cheeks were already wet with his tears, when did he lost control over it he didn't even understood. every time he read that letter he felt stinging pain in his heart. Each and every word which was written striking like thunderstorm in his heart. his mind was getting blurry because of so much emotions flooding inside his head and heart. And he was getting things clear little by little slowly. he repeated the words in his mind which were written in letter to make his heart believe.
Bye Xiao Zhan hope to never cross paths with each other again.
The last word Xiao Zhan instead of Zhan ge made Zhan feel like it's already finished. yibo already made him stranger. & he never wanted to see him again. that's how it felt? even before proposing the pain of getting rejected?
Y̶o̶u̶r̶s ̶ 𝐖𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐢𝐛𝐨.
The word "yours" which was crossed made him feel so ache in his heart. yibo snatched that rights to call yibo his Bo-di. he no longer wanted to be his. and whom Xiao Zhan is fooling is he worth to be called his? the relation in which they were bonded Xiao Zhan felt like shattered with that strike on the word.
Disappointed at the thing that you don't find me that much worthy to share what you felt.
Definitely he had done such a foolish things to make him believe he don't want to be in this marriage, yes he was just a disappointment , yibo deserved better much better than him. But that doesn't means he feels something for yuan. The moment he get married to yibo he had never think about yuan in that way. Yes he definitely missed him but it wasn't like that what he is feeling now. He thought he loves yuan but at the corner of his heart he doubted it. Yes he doubted it because Wang yibo come in his life and he started to feel more than love for him and those feelings were definitely different from what he felt for yuan. That's why he couldn't able to name it soon. He himself was in so much chaotic situation he didn't think about what yibo felt and what he want. He feels so disappointed at himself for being this much reckless. he was so drowned to clear his own feeling he ignored what is the yibo's existence in his life. Was it just a friend? never! But he did mistake to name it as a friendship and today yibo is not here and just his letter left behind the reason is he himself the Sean Xiao Zhan, he lost yibo today because of his stupidity.
Yibo left him so he can be happy?
But does he wanted yibo to leave?No! Never! He never ever thought about to leave yibo. But how can he leave just like that? After making an home in his heart, yibo wants to leave him? won't his everything will go with him then how can he be happy when his everything is gone ?
I'll send divorce papers soon
You can marry your yuan.
But he deserves to be asked his opinion? How can yibo decided by his own? how can he judge what he wants by his own mind? and who he is to tell him he should marry yuan? and why the hell yibo thinks he loves yuan? and what kiss? h-he didn't even come there to confront him.. He just misunderstood situation and run away?
I hope yuan will give you those happiness too, which I wasn't able to give.
But whom Xiao Zhan would tell that whatever yibo is thinking is wrong very much wrong. He makes him happy. yibo makes him happy not yuan.And he want yibo by his side that's what he want nothing else and nothing more. He want but his bo-di that's what his happiness is and without it he will die.
the questions were ringing inside his head and his heart is bleeding to say those answers to yibo. why he was so fool to make yibo believe that he was in forced marriage. Yes it was arranged marriage but Zhan never think of it as a burden he always tried his best to be friends with yibo so yibo will be comfortable around him not think of him as a oldy monster husband but was that's the reason yibo think of it always a friendship? Wasn't he was the one to make younger believe it? But he didn't thought it would turn out like that he didn't knew his silence will make their situations worse and it will make it that much terrible that he would loose his bo-di. he can't let him go he can't. he ones again read letting to something caught his attention.
I'm taking something precious from you with me.
What exactly yibo was referring too? Why he was feeling so nervous feeling in his heart that he isn't just loosing his bo-di but something more. but he don't understand the meaning behind those words. he need to find yibo before he goes away far and he wouldn't be able to reach towards him.
i'm not going back to Shanghai.
If yibo isn't with his mom and dad where did he go? Xiao Zhan felt so worried he don't know where he can go alone like this? why this kid is so much reckless Xiao Zhan's mind wasn't working what he should do.
don't try to find me.
"I'm sorry bo-di, I can't listen to your this wish.. I can't loose you even if you want me too not before I confess everything to you." He said those words and get up but immediately fell on his knees again by the harsh thud. He didn't realised his whole body went numb. His whole strength is gone. is everything is gone. He was feeling like living dead. He don't have anything too loose now he just lost everything with his bo-di. but still the love he have for his bo-di made some strength of hope to able to find his bo-di and hide him in his arms so he will never be able to run away.
He garbed the bed's side to get up and slowly he was able to stood up but still his body was shaking with so much turmoil going inside his mind, body, soul. It's too much for Xiao Zhan to take it. And most worst there isn't someone who will tell him.
Everything will be okay.
Don't worry.
You'll find your bo-di.
Xiao Zhan chuckled painfully he didn't realized he was so alone. He was always and because of bo-di he felt like he have someone who will be by his side forever. A person whom he will call his. Was it just a hallucination of Xiao Zhan the time he had spend with yibo? that's what amount of happiness written in his faith? was it all he had deserved to be happy? A smiling with his whole heart? from the childhood Zhan was grown up not to dream of something he never even dreamed of anything but for the first time he wanted something for all himself and faith is that much cruel to him even before he can have a taste of that happiness he already lost him. Is God that much hate him he didn't even let him try?
he was wiping tears which were flowing continuely. Doesn't matter how much he wipe they will again run like there is not a stop. he never thought losing someone precious can be painful than death. he wish he could have death before going through this. It's hurts so much.
Suddenly he a pillow on the bed and hugged him tightly and started crying with his heart content. the only way to less his pain by letting his tears flow. He started to sob between his painful cries he started to talk with pillow thinking of it as yibo.
Bo-di it h-hurts so much.
Why did you l-leave me love?
P-please come back baby! Zhan ge is so weak without you l-love. sob* your Zhan he is incomplete without you baobei. how can you go away just like that?
I want you bo-di.. I-i.. I need you.. I n-need your h-hug.. i-im.. Feeling like dying slowly.. w-why it's so painful bo-di.. Sob*.. I-i.. Huff.. C-cant breathe bo-di.
Just with that his mind started to get blurry and he started to feeling darkness around and he fell on the cold floor and in the process his head hit on the bedside before he couldn't able to makes himself awake longer but he mumbled some words before he lost his consciousness fully.
N-no I have to find my bo-di!
TBC..
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3.6k Words 🦋
I know chapter was really sad. Even I'm feeling bad for Zhan ge. But don't worry angst will end soon. I'll compensate this heavy angst with fluffy chapter's soon. till then have some patience. 🙃💚
I wanna know even after reading this chapter how many thinks Xiao Zhan deserve more punishment ? 🤓
Don't forgot to give votes ⭐ See you guys in next chapter soon 🌸
Thanks For Reading :) 💕