"there's things i wanna say to you, but i'll just let you live."
A YEAR LATER
she had only waited two months before she started sleeping around. "hot girl autumn." one of her new friends had said. she loved new york. she hated it at first, hating the noise, the cold, the subway, and most of all hating the fact that chris was gone.
but as she started to make new friends, and discover the hotspots, it soon became one of her favorite places on earth.
it was her first day of college and she was buzzing. she had friends going whom she adored and the campus was barely a 10 minute walk from her apartment which she and her dad lived in.
it was 8:30 am and she was already dressed up in an oversized white turtleneck and a short black skirt. her hair was in a long braid down her back with a white headband resting on the top of her head. her father was already at work so she grabbed her house keys and her coffee flask and headed out.
the walk was close to perfect, the sun almost blinding her, the sweet sound of the busy streets of new york blessing her ears.
she arrived at her first lecture ten minutes early. it was the subject she was most excited about. english literature. students soon started to arrive, including a few of her friends who were taking the same course. they chattered happily among themselves about the summer and the year ahead.
they soon all sat down as the lecture hall was already unlocked. she sat at the front with a few of her friends.
as soon as it struck 9 am she heard the door open and turned around to take a look at her professor.
her heart plummeted into her stomach and her hand gripped the bottom of her sweater.
he hadn't aged a day. the same hair, the same thick beard, the same reading glasses.
"good morning class and welcome to the first semester," chris said warmly, walking down the stairs and to the front of the class.
as soon as he reached the bottom step his eyes locked onto hers and she knew full well that his heart had plummeted the same that hers had.
and as it had almost been yesterday, the memories all came flooding back. the sneaking around, the subtle touches around family members, the nighttime stories, the kisses, the sex, the passion.
he cleared his throat and tore his eyes off of hers, walking up to the chalkboard and neatly writing 'professor evans' with a sharp line underneath.
"i am professor evans and i'll be teaching engligh literature to you all this year."
his gaze met hers again, softening slightly before returning it to the rest of the class.
"we'll start with introductions and then i'll give you a rundown of what we'll be covering and a list of books that you'll all require," he said, running his fingers through his slicked back hair.
they all had to stand up one by one, starting from the back of the class, and say their name.
it seemed like forever before it was her go and she stood up sheepishly. "i'm lana," she said quietly, not taking her eyes off him.
"thank you, lana," he said.
it felt like pure bliss to hear him say her name again. he still said it the same. she sat down and looked at her friend pheobe.
"you alright?" pheobe whispered. lana nodded with a convincing smile and turned her head back to him.
it was probably the longest hour of her life. she was always catching his eye, and she could feel his stare as she wrote down notes.
as soon as the bell rang she hurriedly packed her notes into her bag and stood up. she wasn't even aware of pheobe hissing her name into her ear.
"LANA," pheobe said slightly louder, snapping her back to reality.
"yeah?" lana asked.
"you look like you're going to faint, are you feeling okay?" pheobe asked, pulling some water out of her own bag and passing it over.
lana nodded, taking the water and taking small sips. "yeah. just tired," lana responded.
pheobe nodded with a small smile and took hold of her hand. "come on, lets go get some food in you," she said sweetly, walking lana out of the lecture hall.
as soon as they left lana put her hand over her mouth and turned to pheobe.
"i used to fuck him," she admitted under her breath. pheobe gasped and slapped her hands over her mouth.
"you're fucking with me. professor evans?" she whisper yelled at her.
lana nodded.
"honey, he's like thirty something!" pheobe said in shock.
"forty one. and i know. you know i prefer older guys," lana said, grabbing her hand and beginning to walk again.
"i thought you meant like mid twenties!" pheobe said.
"no darling, i mean double my age kind of old," lana said and couldn't help but laugh.
it was like she had the green flag to laugh and pheobe burst into a fit of giggles.
"i cannot believe that," pheobe said, staring into the distance and looking perplexed.
"do not tell anyone," lana said firmly, pointing a finger at her.
"i'll take it to the grave babe," pheobe said, lifting her hand up and kissing it.
THAT NIGHT
the sound of music was deafening. she was at a party with her classmates to celebrate the new semester and she was already drunk off her head. she'd snorted something that she couldn't remember the name of in the bathroom with someone that she also couldn't remember the name of.
she was swaying her hips against some guy, holding her drink in one of those red plastic cups. the next thing she knew, she was making out with him, his hands tangled up in her hair and her arms wrapped around his neck.
"you're so fucking hot," he shouted over the music.
she grinned. he was gorgeous. dark skin, green eyes, and long eyelashes. "so are you, darling," she shouted back.
she felt like it was last year again. drinking away the heartbreak, getting off with random guys just to feel even a teensy bit how chris made her feel.
the next thing she knew she was stripped naked in the bedroom upstairs next to the boy, panting heavily.
"that was good," he said.
"yeah," she replied back.
this was the worst part of 'hot girl autumn'. the fun was over so the memories of chris would all come flooding back. she closed her eyes and sunk into a pit of sadness.
"hey are you alright?" the boy asked. she shook her head and exhaled shakily.
"fuck, i'm sorry did i do anything to make you uncomfortable?" he asked, sitting up quickly and grabbing her clothes, helping her put them back on before putting his own back on.
she shook her head with a weak smile. "no, that was lovely," she said, resting her hand on his leg for reassurance.
"are you sure? i- don't feel scared to say if i did anything wrong," he said. she looked at him. he looked genuinely panicked. she sat up and took his hands. "seriously, you have nothing to worry about. i just have a lot going on inside my head that's all," she said sheepishly.
his face relaxed. "i'm sorry to hear that. i know i might just be a one night stand to you, but i'd be happy to listen if you need a rant," he said kindly.
she smiled at him. "thank you. i didn't get your name. i'm lana," she said, holding a hand out.
"arlo," he replied, taking her hand and shaking it.
she laughed and got up. "thank you for the offer. i'll see you around okay?" she said.
"yeah. get home safe, i can call you an uber if you'd like."
she shook her head. "no, i need a walk," she replied, "but thank you."
he nodded and she walked out, pushing through the crowd and into the cold new york air. she shivered and crossed her arms, hoping to keep herself warm.
"lana."
she looked up. chris.
she stared at him in silence, not knowing what to do or say.
"you're shivering," chris said, finally breaking the painful silence. he took off the trench coat he was wearing and went to put it on her.
"no," she said, stepping away.
he paused and sighed. "it's four in the morning and you have class tomorrow. what are you doing out so late?" he said with a frown on his face.
"what are you doing here? i was fine without you. i've had fun. and now you've gone and ruined it," she said, her calm tone soon turning into a yell.
he didn't react. he just looked at her sympathetically.
"i didn't know you'd be here. trust me lana, this isn't ideal for me either," he said, looking down at his feet.
"nothing can happen okay? nothing," she said firmly.
"i know that," he replied. she didn't know why his response annoyed her so much. it's not like she wanted him to get on his knees and beg her to change her mind, beg her to try and give things another go.
"i've got a girlfriend" he said shortly.
she looked up at him, her heart sinking into her lower stomach.
"i'm happy for you," she said. she was screaming internally, wanting to punch him, hurt him, make him feel the pain that she was feeling.
"i'll give you a ride home," he said.
"no," she said, beginning to walk away.
"then i'll walk with you. i'm not letting you roam the city on your own," he said, catching up to her and walking beside her.
"just go away chris," she mumbled, speeding up her pace.
"lana," he said firmly. she stopped in her tracks and crossed her arms, looking up at him angrily.
"what?"
"this city can be dangerous at night. you're coming with me," he said. even he sounded angry now. she wasn't the one with a new partner so why is he angry? maybe he could smell the sex on her.
"you need to get your head out of your ass chris. you don't need to protect me. i'm an adult now, i can look after myself," she said, frustrated.
"do you want me to fucking call up your dad and tell him that you've been out doing whatever cheap drugs your friends have managed to get their hands on and fucking some stranger that you've known a day?" he asked, raising his voice.
"and do you want me to call up my fucking dad and tell him that you've dared to come anywhere near me?" she yelled back.
he stood back, flabbergasted. "you're acting like i did something wrong! all i did was fall in love with you! and i'm not allowed to go anywhere near you? what the fuck is going through your head? i'm trying to help you! not molest some young girl on who knows what kind of drugs at four in the fucking morning!" he yelled, the vein at the top of his head pulsing.
his gaze softened as he realized he had scared her. "please, just get in my car," he said, in a quieter tone.
she hesitated, looking at him with a grumpy face before nodding.
he sighed and put his head in his hands. "thank you."
he lead her to the car in silence. the only words that they exchanged were her giving him directions.
it was a short drive, which they both appreciated.
once they got there she got out silently. "bye proffessor," she mumbled.
"bye lana."
a/n
i really don't know what i'm gonna do with this epilogue help, idk if i should make it a happy or sad ending?