The day of Mom's burial was the sunniest it had ever been. Hardly anyone showed up because her family was small enough as it is and Dad's family disapproved of their marriage. All refused to attend with the exception of my uncle Anastacius and Jennette. There were probably a handful of us but everyone was stifling silent as the clergy spoke. My throat was tight as I held back my tears. Dad's expression was cold but he didn't look away from her coffin. Nor I. Not a single word has been stored in my memory. The only thing I remember was holding my Dad's hand so tightly that my fingers bruised.
We hadn't talked since that day in the hospital-about two weeks ago-and Dad had stayed with Mom until the very last moment. I didn't take the news too well when it finally hit me. Felix and Lily took me home and I locked myself in my room up until this day. I refused to cry that day. I had been crying the whole two weeks and I was sure that Daddy was just as bad. At the funeral he looked haggard and withered like a wilting flower but he still looked handsome. Mom loved the way Dad cleaned up.
Then at the end, when everyone offered their condolences, I could take it no longer. I would have preferred if they had said nothing and done nothing. It was just like... more reminders of what I had lost and I didn't need it at that moment. Daddy knew the feeling well because he held my hand the whole time and spoke for me. I was usually the one to converse with our relatives but today it was the opposite. That warmed my heart a little. Even though everything felt like it was ending, I still had Daddy. And that was enough.
But he could barely stand to look at me for months after that and it absolutely wrecked me. I had no one but Felix and Lily. If not for them I think I would have died from heartbreak.
.
.
.
After watching Lucas leave, I felt as though I were under water yet again. That same stuffy feeling like I am full of cotton or something. What the hell is wrong with my chest? I shake it off and head back inside. There I can see that the lights are all on.
Lily must have turned them on.
I really should talk to her but I can't right now. There's so much to think about. Mom, Dad... I checked my phone again and nothing. After waiting a few more seconds, I head back upstairs and take a warm shower. As the water runs through my roots, the tears pour out because I recall a memory of when my Mom brushed my hair. She used to run her fingers through the strands and massage my head whenever I rested my head over her legs on the couch. We'd watched some murder mystery documentaries and laughed along to cheesy rom coms afterwards. Dad absolutely hated rom coms. He loved watching psychological thrillers and horror but he still squeezed in on the couch. I was always in the middle because I loved being sandwiched by them and I'm sure they loved holding onto me.
I stare down at the tiled floor as the water weaves down my back all the way down to my feet. It feels nice and safe here. I feel so warm. I wish I could stay here like this forever.
"It's okay. Everything will be okay now." As if Lucas knew what I was thinking at this moment, his words cleared up the doubt in my mind. His voice still tickles my ear and I can still feel the warmth of his embrace.
I get so flustered that I look up and the water gets in my eye. I flinch and rub the corner of it with my fingers. Thanks to that I turned the water off and finally got out and went to bed after drying my hair.
I barely get any sleep that night thinking about my mother and Lucas. So to pass the time, I scroll through my album and watch every video of Mom.
After a few hours, beams of light escape through the blinds and hit my face. I lift my head and glance around before going back to sleep. I had finally gone to sleep around 5 and now it's 7. I only got two hours of sleep. What. The. Hell.
A soft knock on the door causes me to jolt.
"Athanasia? Are you awake?" Lily's voice comes out strained. She's been crying all night too.
My own eyes start to water as I listen to her, "You don't have to go to school until you feel ready okay?"
"..." I can barely breathe through my nose. It's so runny.
"I'm sorry for not telling you about... you know. And for saying all of that. I hope we can sit down and talk properly when things settle down." She takes a deep breath, "I'll be going into town but I left you something to eat. Text me if you'd like anything..."
Even though Lily clearly feels bad for everything that happened I'm still angry that she didn't tell me. I just can't talk to her as I am right now. I'm sure that I'll say something I'll regret. Instead of answering her I snuggle into my covers.
She sighs. Her steps sound heavy down the stairs.
I watch the clock tick by and I spend the day in my bed trying to fall asleep so I can forget for just a little while. It's suffocating but I don't have the energy to get up nor the energy to stay awake.
I check my phone before dozing off and nothing. Just the same missed calls from Lucas and Lily dated yesterday.
I would hope to hear something from Jennette or Uncle.
Before I know it, I fall asleep and then it's the afternoon. After laying there, and staring at the ceiling I finally get the energy to get back up again just to go into the backroom and take another shower. Then I cleaned up my room a bit since I was throwing stuff around yesterday.
I feel a bit better after all of that and decide to go downstairs to eat something but when I reach the last step and look up to the chatter my lip quivers at the sight of two people I hold dear in my life.
Jennette and Felix.
They both get up from their seats and Jennette is the first to reach me with her arms around my shoulders.
"Athy! I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner! The trains were delayed for hours so we had no choice but to come early this morning. But I'm here now." She's crying more than I am. I nod against her shoulder and take her in.
"How are you feeling Athanasia?" Felixs' eyes are tired and his eyes crinkle at the corners as he slightly smiles.
"Felix." My voice comes out in a croak, "You're both here... but-"
Ah. Lily must have called me over. She must have asked them to cheer me up. Perhaps they had wanted to give me space on a day like yesterday so no one reached out. Maybe they were too scared to see my reaction like the last time when I had gone to see my Dad. No one but Lily could help me then.
"I missed you two." My voice comes out shrill and hoarse so I clear my throat. Now that Felix is here, the question that has been weighing in my head is itching to come out. But I'm scared. Scared that I'll hear something I won't recover from. Maybe that could wait. "How are you?" I laugh cry as I talk, "I'm not doing so well as you can see."
"Not too bad but I sure did miss you and your nagging." He wraps his arms tightly around my head and pats my back. When I was little, he used to do this to cheer me up. Then he'd lift me up on his shoulders and walk me around the garden in the yard back at Obelia until I was ready to come down. Then we'd talk for hours on the couch until my Dad tossed him outside. Even though he's always been a close family friend to my dad, sometimes he was the older brother that I always wanted. Sometimes he acted more of a Dad then Daddy because we got along so well but things changed when mom passed away. While Lily was always there for me, there was no one other than Felix to cheer up Dad. They were best friends after all. He hasn't been able to cheer me up quite like he used to when I was little.
I smile against his chest.
I don't hold it against him but it definitely hurt to leave another person I love behind.
"You mean your nagging?" I wipe my eyes with my sleeves and stare at Lily who's awkwardly to the side. She's fiddling with the plates while we talk. "Thank you for calling them Lily. I'm really glad you're here to see me."
Felix brushes my hair behind my ears and places a kiss on the top of my head before sitting down once more, "As do we. Now, let's sit down and eat Athanasia. Jennette and I have had a long day of travel and would love to eat Miss York's cooking once more." After blurting that out his cheeks flush. "I mean to say that I just missed eating your cooking is all. I uh... Claude and I haven't had a homemade meal in ages and we both don't know how to cook. It's a total disaster." He talks so fast like bullets flying out of a gun.
Lily laughs as she takes a seat. She stares at me with a small smile and I shake my head as if to tell her we'll talk later. Because although I feel much better with my family and friends there's still so much to uncover and I'm tired. I'll have to call Dad but I guess now's not a good time.
So I'll just take my time and I pray that Dad will soon call me even if he says nothing at all.