I was finally released from the hospital after two days, they wanted to be sure I could keep food and water down, as well as be sure I wasn't going to reattempt. I mean, I hadn't completely thrown away the idea of trying again, but after seeing how broken up my grandparents where, and how upset Shayley was, I promised that I wouldn't, for a while at least. Plus with the state of worry my nana was in, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be left alone for a while, and I knew they'd gone into my room and removed everything I could possibly use to hurt myself again. I didn't know how I was going to cope, I needed my release now more then ever, my entire world was ripped out from under me once again and just knowing they weren't there made me feel so much worse. In way, even when I wasn't harming myself, just knowing they where there should I need them relaxed me. They had been the only thing I could ever count on, if I needed them, they where there, it was the only thing I could really trust, but they where gone.
I hated my life, plain and simple, I mean what was there to like? Sure I had two great grandparents, and Shay was a good friend...but honestly, there was nothing good in my life, nothing that made me happy, like, genuinely happy. I had something, someone that made me happy, they made me feel like the happiest guy in the world, they made me believe that everything could work out and be okay in the end, they made me feel like I was worth something...but that got ripped out from underneath me in a matter of seconds by the very same person. I couldn't wrap my head around it, how he could make me feel all the things he did and then just destroy me like I was nothing.
Why couldn't Austin have just been honest with me? Sure, I'd of been angry, and hurt, but at least he'd of been honest, which would've made trusting him easier. It would've taken time, but we could've worked through it couldn't have we? But no, he lied, he lied to my face every single day for months. He made me fall in love with him and then he ruined me the only way he could. He ripped out my heart, trampled all over it and tossed it in the trash. Hadn't I been through enough? Between my uncle, my parents, my old friends? Why couldn't I just have something good in my life that wouldn't leave me, hurt me or ruin me? Was I really that much of a screw up? Was I really that worthless that I didn't deserve something good? Was this really life's way of telling me I was a complete waste of space and that I wasn't good for anything, or anyone?
"Why did you do it Alan?" My Nana must of asked me this a hundred times since I woke up. I didn't answer though, I just shrugged, it's not that I didn't want to answer her...I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to have to speak about the lies, the betrayal, just thinking about it made me feel sick that I could be so stupid to fall for the act. I didn't want to speak about how much I wanted to be with my mom again, because I knew that would break their hearts. I didn't want to tell them that the shit with my uncle still gave me nightmares sometimes, that sometimes I'll wake up and I could almost...feel his hands on me, the smell of his borbourn scented breath. How I'm still hurt that my friends at home left me and betrayed me, and how much I missed them. I couldn't tell them how much I missed home and I just wanted to go back. I couldn't tell them any of it, not without braking their hearts or sounding like an ungreatful grandson...I'd already done that enough by trying to take my own life.
"I-I just...I don't know." I sighed sadly, looking down at the ground in shame. I did feel awful, about what I was putting them through, that's what made this so much worse. I tired to take my life, because of him, because of the pile of shit that is my life, I wanted to die...but I failed...and now I could see the heartbrake etched on my grandparents faces. So on top of being upset, angry, hurt, betrayed, fustrated and all the shit...I was also riddled with guilt. Great huh?
"You don't know? You don't know why you tried to take your own life?! You're my grandson!" My Nana spoke, sounding upset and a little angry. "You cannot tell me that you 'don't know' why you tried to kill yourself!"
"I-I just can't talk about it right now Nana, I'm sorry." I whispered as I sniffed, wiping tears away from my eyes.
"Oh Alan, I'm sorry." My Nana wrapped her arms around me. "I-I just want to understand that's all, but you can tell me when you're ready, okay?"
I nodded my head against her shoulder. "Okay. T-Thank you."
"Just tell me one thing...does Austin have something to do with this?" That name, the name that sent the sensation of a thousand daggers being lauched at me, cutting and piercing every inch of my body until one final one stabbed me right in the heart. At that moment, my silent tears burst into full blown gut wrenching sobs as my grip tightened on my Nana. "There's my answer...oh that boys a dead boy."
"N-No." I shook my head. "D-Don't say anything Nana, please, I-I just want to forget it."
My Nana let out a long, sad sigh. "Okay, I'll just imagine his slow painful death in my head then. But, if he comes near the house...I do have a gun and I know how to use it. Ask your grandfather, I'm a pretty good shot too, wouldn't kill him, just...pop his kneecap or something."
I couldn't help but let out a choked chuckle. "I love you Nana."
"And I love you too you silly nugget." She let out a light hearted chuckle.
"C-Can I go up to my room? I-I promise I won't do anything, I just want to go to sleep."
"Of course." She placed a kiss on the top of my head and released her grip on me. "And hey Alan? I had to kiss a few frogs before I met your grandfather and the one thing I learned...is no boy is worth your tears or worth you wanting to give up. I know how hard it is, I know you haven't had an easy life either, but I promise you, everything will work out in the end. You're a beautiful, bright young man and you don't give yourself nearly enough credit, so just hang in there okay? All the tears and heartache will be worth it in the end. And hey, In the mean time, if you want to vent out I'm sure me and your grandfather will gladly help you plot his imaginary death."
"Thanks Nana." I dried my eyes on my hoodie's sleeve and gave her a small, albeit sad smile, but I did feel a little better, my nana was good like that, she always knew what to say.
"Oh and one more thing, stay off school tomorrow, me and your grandfather have a suprise for you."
"Oh?" I tilted my head a little in confusion.
"Mmmhmm, but you're going to have to wait and see. Now, go get some rest."
"Okay." I nodded and I kissed her cheek before retreating upstairs, burying myself under my duvet and let the tears fall until I finally drifted off to sleep.
Austin's POV
I felt like I was drowing in a large mass of water, struggling for air with no way to escape. There was no way to discribe the amount of pain or guilt I felt. I never wanted to hurt Alan, I know I did at the start, but he made me realise all my past mistakes. He made me realise how awful I had been, and he made me want to change. Not just for him, but for myself too, I wanted to be a better person, I'd felt so guilty for the things I'd done, but the guilt I felt for what I'd done to him...that was on a whole new level.
I was trying so hard to protect him, protect us, trying so hard to find a way to stop Ronnie, but I failed. All this pain I felt, I only had myself to blame, I couldn't blame anyone else, and I wasn't going too. I just wish I'd had the balls to be honest with Alan in the first place. If I had just told him everything from the second I knew I was falling for him, I could've stop this from happening. Alan could've died, and that was all my fault, he nearly killed himself...I nearly killed him. He may have been the one to pull the blades against his skin, but I was the reason he fell over the edge and did it.
I felt so lost without Alan, nothing felt right without him by my side. I'd grown so fond of our daily calls and texts, seeing his face nearly every day. I'd grown to love the way he felt in my arms, cuddled up while he made me watch 500 days of summer for the hundreth time. The way his lips felt so soft, so delicate against mine, fitting perfectly as if they where made for each other. I missed him so much, I felt so empty without him by my side, without him on the other end of the phone when I couldn't see him. Nothing felt right, I wanted to badly to run to him, beg him to listen to me, beg him to give me another chance, do anything and everything I could to prove to him that I loved him. But I ruined it all, and now I can never be with my perfect ginger prince again. I was an idiot, I was a fool, I was a good for nothing screw up. It should've been me that nearly died, not him.
"Sweetie?" A knock came on my door and my mom's voice sounded worried. I sat myself up from my bed, quickly drying my tear stained eyes.
"I'm fine Mom."
"No you're not...I heard cry-oh Austin!" My mom's face filled with concern as she stepped into my room. "You look like hell, what's wrong baby?"
"I fucked up mom, I fucked up so bad." I sobbed hard into my hands. "I-I screwed everything up a-and I-I can never take it back. I-I can never make it right."
"Austin what are you on about? Talk to me." She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me into her side.
"I-I can't, you'll h-hate me."
"Oh don't be silly, you're my son, I could never hate you. Sure I can be dissapointed, upset, maybe a little angry, but I certainly could never hate you...so talk to me Austin please. You've not been right for a few days now, you've been skipping school, walking out suddenly and every night me and your father have heard you crying in here. So tell me...what's going on."
I took a deep breath and told my mom everything, from the day I started high school, how I just wanted to get by without being bullied like I was in high school. To how I started picking on other kids because Ronnie told me if I didn't, I was done for, and how I carried on because it made me feel better...right up til what I done to the boy who had my heart in his hands. "I-I s-so s-sorry mom. I-I'm so sorry."
"Oh Austin." My mom sighed. "I thought we raised you better then that! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed. But, people make mistakes, you're young, and young people do stupid shit...trust me on that one, I was young once too. I'm not making excuses for your actions at all, just imparting what I've learned over the years. Anyway did you honestly mean it when you said you want to change?" I nodded my head in reply. "Well, maybe, the first step would be to apologise to everyone you've hurt, a real, genuine apology. It's not the answer, but it's certainly a start. Then I think, maybe you got something you need to work on. I know things here at home aren't easy, and I can't imagine what you and your father are going through right now and it hurts me too you know. It breaks my heart knowing I'm living on borrowed time and I will be leaving you and your father soon. So, maybe you need to find away to deal with it...that doesn't involve Alan. It honestly sounds like you two began relying on each other far too much. While finding comfort in the shelter of another is a good thing, we all need comfort and shelter sometimes...it's not the answer and you cannot rely on someone else to be the soul reason to keep going. It's unhealthy, you need to be able to support yourself, find reasons within yourself to keep holding on, to keep pushing through. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet, because sadly, we're only human, we cannot be there, no matter how much we want too or how much we try, every single time things get rough. So, it seems that you, and Alan need to take time out, he needs to find away to deal with his issues, and you need to find a way to deal with yours...alone. I know you're blaming yourself for what Alan did, and yes, if I'm honest you may have been the one to push him over the edge...but you are not the sole reason, nor are you to fully blame. People don't just do something like that because someone they loved hurt and betrayed them. If they did...I don't think humanity would exist any more. So while maybe you deserve some of the blame, you certainly don't deserve all. You're not the reason he did it, he just reached that point where enough was enough for him. I think...only once each of you have worked your own things out, learned to stand on your own, only then you start start thinking about trying to fix things."
"I-I can't fix it mom, h-he hates me."
"Of course he does, it's natural, but I know I don't know Alan very well, but I really don't think he'll hate you very long. Eventually his anger will fade, sure he'll never forget what happened, but his anger will be gone, then you can start proving yourself. If you really love him, and you're genuinely sorry, then it will show. Right now, any efforts you make will be pointless, because the wounds are so fresh and his mind is so clouded. But give them time to heal, it will take a while, weeks, maybe even months, but they will heal, and that's when you can start trying to rebuild. But you can only do this once you two have got your shit together on your own."
"Y-You think that...maybe w-we have a chance?"
"Nothing is certain sweetie, but I can see how much you love him, a blind man can see it. So don't give up...just give him time okay?"
"Okay." I nodded. "Thanks mom."
"That's what mom's are for." She kissed the top of my head and stood up. "Now, get some sleep and I'll see you in the morning."
"Okay, night mom, I love you."
"I love you too, goodnight." She smiled sweetly at me, before closing the door behind her. I knew everything my mom said was right, maybe we had relied on each other too much. We where expecting each other to fix us, and we did...but it wasn't the answer, only a temporary fix. We both had issues we needed to work on and maybe it was best if we did them alone, as painful as the thought of being without him was. But if I was going to stand any chance of getting my ginger kitten back, I had to do it, for him, for us...for me. I wasn't going to give up, I was going to give Alan his space, sort my shit out and wait for the time that I can begin to prove myself to him. I will prove to him how sorry I am, I will prove to him just how much I love him, because I do, more then I can even handle. I just hoped that Alan wouldn't give up on me.
A/N: Okay so for the next few chaps, I'm going to be doing dedications because honestly, you have no idea how happy I am that so many people are loving this fic! I've never got so many reads or votes so early on and when I jump on in the mornings and see I have so many notifications for votes/comments and I see those reads shoot up, I actually have a fangirl moment! You honestly have no idea how much it means to me, I was skeptical about starting this idea, but I'm so glad I did.
So, the first dedication goes to JigokuSama because girl you're awesome and your support means a lot to me, so thank you :)