coldjus_: what did I do?
What did I do—what did I do?! Pakiramdam ko magiging matanda ako agad dahil sa nangyayayri!
sam16_: anong 'what did I do'?! you're really asking me that after you put a billboard in front of our house?!
coldjust_: ??
sam16: why did u do that huh?!
coldjus_: why? wait are u mad?
POTA.
Naisuklay ko ang mga daliri ko sa buhok ko at huminga ng malalim, ayaw kong mag create ng scene dito sa shop ko ano! Kakabukas lang tapos dead bot agad.
sam16: are you really on the hell precisely asking me that?! pagkatapos mong maglagay ng billboard sa tapat ng bahay namin?!
coldjus_: oh, for the record let me clear this that I am not the one who put that billboard in front of your house. I asks someone to put that so basically speaking I am not the one who put that. that's clear yeah?
KINGINA NAMAN OH.
sam16: where r u?
coldjus_: why?
sam16: just answer me u dimwit!
coldjus_: uhm, it's confidential I wont tell u.
sam16: why?
coldjus_ gegyerahin mo ako e.
Padabog kong binaba ang phone ko at napahilamos ko nalang ang mga palad ko sa mukha ko. Hindi ko alam sa lalaking ito—pakiramdam ko nag kokonsimisyon na ako sakaniya!
Alam kong mayaman siya oo pero potangina? Hindi niya ba gets 'yung sarcasms ko nung time na 'yon?! Halata namang sarcastic 'yung tono at emosyon sa mukha ko that time diba?! Ginawa niya ba ito para mambwisit oh ano!
Tumayo nalang ako at tinignan ang mga trabahante ko rito, pakiramdam ko kahit nasaang lupalop man si Cold ay mahahanap ko siya kung itutuloy ko pang kausapin siya sa ngayon lalo na't hindi pa ako kumakalma.
Kinamusta ko ang mga trabahante ko kung ayus lang ba sila at ang mga trato sakanila ng mga customers at sinabing oo, at pagkatapos ay pinuntahan ko naman ang mga customers ko at tinanong kung kamusta sila. Some were asking about my personal info—most of it are boys, mga kaedaran ko lang at ang iba naman ay halatang may crush saakin and they are high school students!
Nakipagsabayan nalang ako sakanila kahit na hindi ko gusto ang paraan nila ng pananalita.
What is happening to this generations, teenagers are losing their manners!
Nagpaalam nalang ako at pinagtuonan ng pansin ang iba and then I went to my office and do some paper works. It is already lunch time when someone knock on my door.
"Come in," I yelled a bit para marinig ako ng taong nasa labas.
Narinig kong bumukas ang pinto at inangat ko naman ang tingin ko. It was Kay, one of my employee at siya iyong isa sa naka assign sa counter.
"Yes?"
"Ma'am, may tao pong gusto kang makausap." Simula niya saka sinara ang pintuan.
Gusto akong makausap?
"Sino?" tanong ko.
"Hindi ko po nakuha ang name and basta ang sinabi niya lang po ay kilala ka niya." Sagot niya.
Kilala ko?
"At ma'am halatang big time ang customer natin, naka tuxedo ba naman ng color brown at nasa tingin ko 40 to 50 something year's old," nakatingin siya sa taas at nag iisip.
Brown tuxedo and nasa 40 to 50 something year's old?
Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, I think kilala ko na kung sino ang taong 'yon.
Tumayo ako at ngumiti sakaniya, "Thank you Kay, ako na ang bahala. You can go back to your post na," ngumiti ako sakaniya.
Ngumiti rin naman siya at tumango, "Thank you ma'am,"
Inantay ko muna siyang makalabas bago ko pinakawalan ang kanina ko pang pinipigilang hininga. It's not him...right? He won't come here...right?
And if he did...what came to his mind to come here?
Hindi ko alam ang mararadaman ko, inayos ko nalang ang sarili ko para naman presentable akong tignan at hindi mukhang kawawa sa harapan niya mamaya. I want to look good, I want him to feel my presence. I want him to be proud of me...if possible.
Pagkatapos kong ayusin ang sarili ko ay lumabas ako at hinanap siya, tinuro ni Kay kung asaang banda ang sinasabi niyang big time client at tama nga ako...siya nga.
Nasa pinakadulo siya at nagkakape. Naglakad ako at nakuha ko ang atensyon na. I honestly don't know how to address him, Dad or Sir? I don't know, I think I should just chose the latter.
Who knows? Baka nga ayaw niya na akong marinig na tawagin siyang dad...and i don't know why...or maybe i was just overthinking?
"Sir.." I swallowed the lump in my throat after calling him that. Ayaw kong madagdagan ang disappointment niya saakin and i don't know if he came here as my customer or as my....as my dad.
Tinignan niya naman ako at hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko dahil don. Is he judging me already or...is he proud of me?
And if he did...then finally.
"Sit down," tinuro niya ang upuan sa harapan niya at gaya ng sabi niya ay umupo naman ako.
Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko kaya hindi pa ako umiimik, hindi ko alam kung naging mas matapang na ba akong sagutin ang mga pambabatikos niya or magiging kagaya pa rin ba ako ng dating Samantha na iyakin at mahina.
Namutawi ang katahimikan saamin habang nagkakape siya, I want to ask why he came here but...I think that's too rude, yeah? Nakakapagtaka lang kasing pumunta siya rito eh ako 'yung lagi niyang pinapapunta sa tuwing magkikita kami and we never had a dad and daughter conversation.
Always about the things he wants me to do.
"Why you resigned as Kairus secretary?" he asked the obvious.
Of all the things he has to say, ayan talaga? Wala manlang, 'how are you?'. Is that all? Why he came here? For him to asked me that? Babatikusin niya na naman ba ako?
Natawa nalang ako sa loob loob ko, well as usual.
"I want to focus to my shop," ..... dad.
Hindi ko alam kung dapat ko bang tawagin siyang dad o hindi.
"You resigned as his secretary for..." tinignan niya ang paligid and I feel pain in my chest.
He is judging the shop i worked hard to build.
Bakit pakiramdam ko minamaliit niya ang shop ko? Bakit pakiramdam ko, napakawalang kwenta nitong pinaghirapan para ko sakaniya?
"...this cheap shop."
Nakagat ko ang dila ko at napapikit, isang matulis na matulis na bagay ang naramdaman ko sa puso ko. I knew it, but it still hurts.
Dumilat ako at nakatingin pa rin siya sa paligid.
"This is not a cheap shop, besides I worked hard for this." Hindi ko napigilan ang tabang sa tono ng boses ko, siguro gawa na rin ng sakit na nararamdaman sa puso ko and this is the first time that i used this kind of tone on him.
"You worked hard for this?" sarkastiko siyang natawa saka nilapag ang tasa ng kape at sumandal sa upuan saka tinignan ako. "What's working hard for this? I honestly disappointed again in you, Samantha. This shop is nothing compared to your job as Kairus secretary, if I were you I will close this shop and find more valuable job instead."
Hindi ko manlang makitaan ng pagkasisi ang emosyon ng mukha niya after niyang sabihin iyon. Aaminin ko, oo inaasahan ko ng sasabihin niya ito pero hindi ko alam na mas masakit pala kapag narinig ko na mismo sakaniya 'yon.
Kelan pa ba ako masasanay?
Alam ko namang masasaktan ko pero hindi ako ready sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Mas dumoble pa yata eh, he called this shop as a cheap one?
"This shop is very special to me—"
"I don't care if it's special to you, no matter how hard you try, this shop will not be successful in the future, why? Because literally in the first place the owner," nilahad niya pa ang dalawang kamay saakin na parang tinuturo ako since I am really literally the owner of this shop. "Is not. Capable of leading it."
I am not capable? Am I still not capable?
"How do you say so? I know I can lead this shop...and this shop?" tinignan ko ang paligid. "Will be successful soon."
Tumaas ang kilay niya. "Successful?" he sarcastically laugh. "Honestly speaking Samantha, this shop is nothing compared to you, being a model. It can literally wash out quickly," napailing iling siya at napabuntong hininga. Kahit na ganoong pag iling at pagbuntong hininga niya lang ay nasasaktan na ako dahil hindi siya nagkakamaling iparamdam na maliit lang ako at walang kwenta para sakaniya. "Tsk tsk tsk tsk, what a shame."
Isang tusok. Dalawang tusok.Tatlo. Apat at sunod sunod na tusok ng matalim na bagay ang naramdaman ko sa puso ko. Bakit...bakit kaylangan niya pang sabihin yan saakin? Wala bang pagkakataon na kapag nagkikita kami ay hindi niya iparamdam saaking nakakahiya ako, disappointment ako sakaniya and so on?
Hindi naman nakakagulat na malaman niyangnagpatayo ako ng shop because literally, he asked Kairus about it. Nag resigned ako as secretary at alamkong nabanggit niya ito and I am not mad at him.
Whatever's happening right now, labas na siya don.
"I have the freedom to do what i want since i was the one who will benefit it," ngumiti ako kahit na sobrang sakit ng mga salitang binitawan niya. "Besides, after all those years i was the one who worked for myself to have a meal in a day. I can do whatever i want and i won't let anyone belittle me, this is cheap? This is a shame?" i laugh sarcastically, the emotions..the pains that i am feeling right now is not enough para hindi ko damdamin ang sinabi niya. "I will work hard for this, i was and still. One day, my shop will be known internationally and i will make it happen no matter what. I don't care about the problem that i will face but, i won't give up and i will promise to you that this shop will be successful soon, because of my hard work and perseverance. " Tinigasan ko ang emosyon sa mukha ko para hindi niya mahalatang nasasaktan ako sa mga sinabi niya.
Mukhang hindi niya inaasahan ang mga nasabi ko dahil dumaan ang panandaliang gulat na ekspresyon sa mukha niya pero agad din iyong napalitan ng panunuya at panliliit.
"Don't drop a words if you can't fulfill it, Samantha." He said and he stand up. "I was never wrong on not seeing you, i was just busy and the thought came into my mind that i must visit your cheap shop and slap to your face that no matter what you do, you are nothing compares to Andrea. Yes, you are a Magna Cum Laude but that doesn't give you a justice to think highly of yourself." Then he walk away.
Parang echo na paulit ulit nag re-replay sa isipan ko ang mga narinig ko. How did he know that i am Magna Cum Laude? And why didn't he congratulate me? I am really nothing to him huh.
No matter what i do, i am still being compared to someone who is far away from me. Andrea and I are not the same, there are things that she can do that i cannot and there are things that i can do that she cannot.
Andrea and I are not the same person. Andami naming pagkakaibang dalawa, andami naming kabaliktaran at andami naming opinyon na hindi magkatulad.
The parents should know that their children is not a toy, that their children is not a toy that can use and slapped harsh words because no matter what their children do, doesn't give happiness to them especially if the only things that are in their minds are that children's that they gave birth is not as smart nor as talented like the others. They got envy so they will force their child to do the same even if its not what they wanted to....and they will do it because they love their parents.
No matter what i do, i am still not good enough. No matter how hard i tried i am still not strong enough. No matter what i built i am still nothing. Kung ganoon, saan ako lulugar? Saan lulugar ang mga kagaya kong gusto lang namang may mapatunayan sa magulang para hindi na silang matawan na isang dissapointment?
Naawa ako sa mga kagaya ko, gusto lang naman naming matuwa saamin ang mga magulang namin eh, mahirap ba 'yon?
When the time comes that i have a child, i will love my baby no matter what. I will feed them with love and freedom to chose what they want. I will guide them to the right path and i will be proud of them everyday...every single day even when god finally calls me home i will make them feel love and valuable and i will not let them feel that they are a dissapointment. All the things that my inner self are want i would give it to my future kids, no matter what.
I promise, hindi ko ipaparamdam sakanila ang mga nararamdaman ko at mga naranasan ko nuong bata ako at hanggang ngayon.
I would give them comfortable and loving parents no matter what. I won't shout at them nor compare them to others, because my childrens are unique in their on way...in their own field.
Hindi ko manlang namalayang tumutulo na pala ang luha ko kung wala sa sarili ko pang hinawakan ang pisngi ko.
Pinunasan ko ang mga luha ko at inayos ang sarili, pinapakalma. Huminga ako ng malalim at dahan dahang binuga 'yon. Sinigurado kong maayos at presentable akong tignan bago ako tumayo at bumalik sa opisina ko.
Buti nalang talaga at hindi napansin ng mga empleyado ko ang itsura ko at hindi sila nagtanong sa napag-usapan namin kanina ng tinatawag nilang big time client.
Because honestly, i don't want to tell them the truth and i must tell them lies but at the same time, ayaw kong maglihim sakanila o magsinungaling. Kaya mabuti nalang na hindi sila nagtanong dahil busy.
Naupo ako sa swivel chair ko at nagsimula nang gawin ang dapat kong gawin. Gusto kong patunayang may mararating ang shop ko. Gusto kong iparating sakaniya na hindi ako basta basta sumusuko lalo na't binitawan niya ang mga salitang iyon. Hinding hindi ko babaguhin ang totoong ako para sakaniya.
I respect him because he is my dad, i also want to be brave...to tell him that i can do this things all alone and i can make him proud without snatching something on someone. I know this will not be easy but still! Still there is a process, right? Aanhin ko ang mga masasakit na salita kung hindi ko gagamitin bilang lakas diba?
Turning the harsh words into strength is not easy. Kaylangan mo munang masaktan ng paulit ulit para mag sink in sayo ang mga salitang iyon, and after you cry? Fight. Don't lose hope, don't lose strength, kasi kapag nagpakain ka sa mga salita nila tungkol sayo, ibig sabihin noon is talo ka. Kahit na hindi totoo ang mga salitang binitawan nila ay mapapalabas at magmumukhang totoo dahil sumuko ka sa laban, at higit sa lahat hindi ka lumaban....at hindi mo pinatunayang mali sila ng tingin sayo.
Kaya kahit na ilang beses niya akong sabihan ng mga masasakit na salita, kahit na masaktan ako ng sobra sobra at paulit ulit? Hindi ako susuko dahil gusto kong manalo, at ayaw kong matalo.
Lumipas ang mga araw at mas nag focus ako sa shop ko, dinoble ko ang pag tatrabaho ko at gumawa ako ng sarili ko pang mga recipe and of course, dapat merong isang taong titikim muna.
"So? How was it?" tanong ko. Actually, inisip ko lang yang mga recipe at pinagsama sama sa isip ko at parang nalalasahan ko pa ang lasa non kahit na imahinasyon lang. Ang weird lang.
Ngumuya siya at hindi agad nagsalita, kinabahan naman ako. Mas gusto ko kasing siya ang titikim at hindi sila Andrea para walang bias i mean, not that na nagiging bias sila ha? I know na masarap ang luto ko but i want someone to critique it in his own way.
Gusto ko, ibang tao naman.
"Well, honestly," nilapag niya sa plate ang isang donut. "I don't like sweets but this is good don't worry," agap niya naman. "I am not being biased here okay? But the taste is good, the sweetness is exactly what i want. Tama lang ang timpla at hindi siya sobrang tamis o mapait and hindi siya malambot nor matigas, sakto lang ang pagkaka bake mo." He nodded.
Hindi ko alam kung maniniwala ba ako sakaniya eh, alam ko namang hindi sinungaling tao si Cold pero hindi ko maisip na baka sinasabi niya lang ito para hindi ako masaktan? Well, i am not saying na may pake siya saakin pero....
"What? You don't believe me?"
Napabuntong hininga ako at napailing iling. "Wala,"" sagot ko.
"Here," napaangat ang tingin ko sakaniya at nakitang gusto niyang tikman ko ang donut na gawa ko. "Taste it,"
Napabuntong hininga ako at kinuha 'yon saka kumagat, iisang donut lang ang kinain namin pareho at nag hati pa kami. Yung kinagatan niya, kinagatan ko rin.
Nginuya ko 'yon nang dahan dahan at ninamnam.
"See? Told you," he said.
Tama nga siya. Masarap nga.
Napabuntong hininga nalang ako, hindi pa rin ako satisfy.
"Hey" tawag niya sa atensyon ko.
Nilingon ko siya at tinaasan ng dalawang kilay.
"Are you okay? You are not as energetic as before," he pointed out.
Huh?
"What?" tanong ko.
"Is there are problem?" he asked, nag iingat ba ang tono ng boses niya na parang 50/50 siya na gusto niyang itanong 'yon at ayaw.
Dahil sa sinabi niya naalala ko ang nangyari last month. Hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko 'yon.
"You resigned as his secretary for this cheap shop."
"You worked hard for this? What's working hard for this? I honestly disappointed again in you, Samantha. This shop is nothing compared to your job as Kairus secretary, if I were you I will close this shop and find more valuable job instead."
"I don't care if it's special to you, no matter how hard you try, this shop will not be successful in the future, why? Because literally in the first place the owner is not. Capable of leading it."
"Successful? Honestly speaking Samantha, this shop is nothing compared to you, being a model. It can literally wash out quickly. Tsk tsk tsk tsk, what a shame."
"Don't drop a words if you can't fulfill it, Samantha. I was never wrong on not seeing you, i was just busy and the thought came into my mind that i must visit your cheap shop and slap to your face that no matter what you do, you are nothing compares to Andrea. Yes, you are a Magna Cum Laude but that doesn't give you a justice to think highly of yourself."
Naramdaman ko na naman ang pamilyar na sakit sa puso ko, naramdaman kong nag init ang gilid ng mga mata ko at nanlabo ang paningin ko.
I don't know what the hell is happening, i just found myself in Cold's arms. Embrace, and i am crying while ranting to him.
"I did all my best Cold, why it still not enough? I did what he asks me to do, i followed him, i am always doing my best in any things that i will do pero bakit hindi parin sapat? Bakit? I don't know what i will do the next time. Everytime na may gagawin ako lagi kong naiisip ang mga salitang sinabi niya saakin. He always compares me to..." hindi ko matapos tapos ang sasabihin ko dahil pangalan ng bestfriend niya ang sasabihin ko.
Pangalan ng bestfriend namin.
"I just want to do things that will make him proud at the same time the things that i know myself will be happy. He always slapped me with words that the old me couldn't bear but now, the old Samantha is fragile and immediately got affected by simple words and the Samantha now is improving to being a brave one. But i couldn't still stop myself from crying, i just want to be happy...bakit ang hirap hirap?" humagulgol na ako sa dibdib niya.
Bakit ang hirap hirap maging masaya?
Hinahagod niya naman ang likod ko at inaayos ang buhok ko. Pinapakalma ako pero mas lalo lang ako naiyak. This is the first time that i cry! And sa mismong harapan niya pa ha! I never allow myself to cry in front of someone...pero nung speech ko nung college ako that is different.
"All my life i was lounging i was doing the things they like, the things that they wanted me to do. I wasn't perfect i know, but do i deserved this? My inner me wants to be free but i couldn't because in the first place i don't know how to...hindi ko alam Cold. Gusto ko lang namang maging proud sila saakin pero bakit hindi pa rin?" tumingala ako sakaniya at nagsalubong ang mata namin. Basang basa na ang pisngi ko dahil sa walang tigil na luhang dumadaloy. "Bakit ang hirap hirap? It's so hard to cope of to someone's expectations."
"You don't need to do things for other people, Lauren. Do what makes you happy and their judgments must not matter to you. Your attention must focus to your goals, not on theirs." Pinahid niya ang mga luha ko gamit ang thumb niya.
"But how?" pang ra-rant ko sakaniya habang humihikbi na. "I-i don't know h-how and w-what to do. E-easy to say but h-hard to do," that's the reality. It's easy to say but it's so hard to do.
Napailing iling siya. "Yes, it is hard to do, but once you master the art of loving yourself, the art of focusing on yourself, it will be easy. It will hurt badly, yes, but that is a part of a process and it will hurt more if you will stay in the line created by the people who don't trust you, who don't trust your capabilities and who belittled you."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit gumagaan ang pakiramdam ko dahil sa mga salita niya.
"But....but i want to make them proud..."
He place his right hand on my cheek. "You are unique Lauren. You want to make them proud, then do your best and don't think that your best wasn't enough, it s enough, it is always and already enough. Always remember that, okay?" He said in a soft tone of a voice.
"But still..."
"Sshh," he cut me off. "Once you let yourself be eaten by the words from others, you lost already. I know, i am not always around to be with you but always remember that you are worth it. The things you achieved and built is enough to be proud of, if it's the other people do you think they can do it? Do you think they can do the things you can?"
Napaisip ako don. "Pero hindi naman malabong may mas magaling saakin..."
That's a truth and a fact.
"That's what i am talking about." Napatingin ako sakaniya. "Don't compare yourself to others even though they will always compare you to others. In any decisions you make, you always think of it and what will be the outcome and that is one to be proud of. The others can make decisions without thinking the other people and you don't make decisions recklessly, you always think the others before making a decisions."
Napatingala lang ako sakaniya.
"....and that is something to be proud of..." he tap my noise a bit using his pointing finger.
Unti unti ng nag si-sink in sa isipan ko ang gusto niyang iparating. He want me to be me, he wants me to live as me, not to live and make the things i want for myself so that my parents will be proud of me. Gusto niyang gawin ko ang mga bagay na makakapagpasaya saakin, ang mga bagay na gusto ko at dapat sa bawat gagawin ko ay gagawin ko 'yon para sa sarili ko...para maging proud ako sa sarili ko at hindi para maging proud saakin ang isang tao.
The people will be proud of me if i start being proud of myself.
Napangiti ako dahil don. "Thank you..." i smile genuinely. "Wag mong sasabihin ito kahit kanina ha?"
He smile a bit and tilted his head to the side, his hand is wrap through my waist and the other is on the top of my head.
He tap my head three times. "There, don't cry anymore...."
Ngumiti ako sakaniya at may salita siyang hindi ko na narinig dahil tumunog ang oven, cue na luto na ang cake na nilagay ko ron.
".... and yes, it hurts me."
-------------------------------------------------------
:)