Jessica sat by the window, watching with wide-eyed fascination as Jake shovelled the snow off the driveway.
The majority of the snow had melted on the main road, but the long driveway to the house was covered in thick, clumpy snow. Not that his car would have any issues getting out. But he said he would do it in case her mother needed to get out. He'd been out there doing it for the majority of the morning, starting near the main road and making his way back towards the house. He wasn't far away from the porch steps now; you could see the sheen of sweat on his forehead.
It made Jessica's heart swell to see how considerate he was. Jake was so thoughtful and caring. He acted like this broody, moody man, but he wasn't. Not truly, deep down. Or was he just that way with her?
She sat inside in the warmth, her face practically pressed against the window, watching the way his body worked. He bent at the knee as he gathered snow on the shovel, his arms and shoulders tensing as they heaved the snow over his back. It had become a pattern for his body to do the same movement with ease over and over again.
It was magnificent to watch.
How would he look under that thick grey coat? His muscles, grinding together like a machine to get the job done. You could visibly see his thighs tense every time he bent to pick up a load.
She licked her lips with anticipation as he bent down again.
And there it was: the squeeze.
She sighed as he heaved the shovel over his shoulder again. And then repeat.
How was it possible to look like that? If the Greek gods existed, they would be jealous.
She was surprised that girls didn't swoon and faint as he walked by.
Why is she only now truly realising how attractive he was? She'd known he was cute all along, but he's recently changed right in front of her eyes. Going from the type of cuteness you notice in passing to someone you spot and pay attention to.
She found herself thinking of him constantly, both when he was there and when he wasn't. She was always wondering what he was doing, what he was wearing. Imagining the way his eyes creased when he smiled or the way the tips of his ears grew red when she said something a little teasing.
They hadn't spoken about their almost kiss the night before. It hung between them like a heavy cloud pressing against them, ready to burst, sending sparks of lightning and thunder all around them at any given moment. They were always thinking about it, but neither of them mentioned it. And so the cloud grew and grew.
What would have happened if they had kissed? Would things have gone further?
She rested her chin on her hand, her eyes fluttering closed for a few seconds as the images flashed by.
Lips pressed against lips.
His large hands tangled in her fiery hair.
He lowered her to his still-unmade blow-up bed, skin against skin.
His hips pressing against hers, his body felt so hard and heavy against her own.
Those eyes, startingly blue against his dark hair, were looking down at her from above.
His lips on her ear, his voice low and husky as he whispered, you feel so fucking good.
She nibbled her thumb nail, adjusting in her seat to get some friction down there. She turned back to the window, and he was still outside.
Bend, scrape, heave, and throw.
If he could throw a pile of snow like that so effortlessly, what else could he do? She took a long sip of her coffee, admiring him secretly.
"I like him." Her mother announced, sitting down next to her on the window seat. Jess jumped, unaware she wasn't alone. Her mother gave her a knowing look that Jess could read all too easily. Maybe her admiration for him wasn't so secretive after all.
Jess furrowed her brow at her. "You like who?" She asked, trying to play dumb.
"Jake."
"Oh, yeah. He's great." Jess replied, giving a little nod and sipping her drink again.
"No, I really, really like him, Jess. He's one of the good ones, I can tell."
Jess raised an eyebrow at her. "Uh, okay...should I pass him on your mobile number?"
She gave her a stern look.
"Nothing gets past me, my love. You've got the hots for him." She wiggles a finger in her face.
Jess rolled her eyes and turned away from the window. She didn't want to add further proof to that claim.
"I don't have the hots for anyone." She lied. Her mother wasn't falling for her false claims; she knew. She could read her daughter like an open book. How did mothers always know? "I'm not interested in dating right now. It's too soon."
Her mother covered her hand with hers, and the softness of her touch made Jess meet her gaze. "It'll always be too soon. or not the right time. Look at me. I said I'd wait until you were older, and then you got older and left, and here I am. Still alone." She shook her head, her eyes sad. "I don't want that for you."
Jess squeezed her hand. "Mam, you can go out dating if you want to."
She shook her head. "No, that's not what I mean. I'm lucky I had you to focus on. You deserve a full life, Jess; you deserve love and children..."
"Mam, please don't start this again... I'll date when I'm ready."
Jess glanced out the window, but Jake was now gone.
Where was he?
"You said that last time I asked you." She told her.
"Yes, and I'll keep on saying it until I am ready. I'm sorry, but I need more than a year to move on from the fact that my husband died. The man I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with is gone. You of all people should understand."
"I didn't say you should move on; I said you should date. Just have some fun."
"Mam, please-"
Suddenly, a piano started playing in the front room. The tune of Jingle Bell Rock filled the house, followed by a perfect harmonic voice singing the words.
Jess and her mother got up, their conversation forgotten, as they made their way to the hallway, where the old, unused piano sat. Jake sat there on the wooden stool, his back slightly hunched over, as his fingers moved up and down the keys effortlessly.
Her stomach squeezed.
The kids came running in from the other room, gathering around the piano to sing along. She felt tears sting her eyes as he sang with them. Uncle Joe appeared and patted his shoulder. Jean came next, singing along with a big smile on her face. She had a very operatic voice, and Jake gaped in awe. I forgot to tell him how good a singer she was.
Jess moved to stand against the wall, desperate to get a good look at his face. His eyes met hers, and he gave her a big grin as he sang along. She wondered if he had heard some of the conversation with her mother and rescued her. But was that all he had heard, or had he heard more?
She mouthed thank you to him, and he gave a little nod, smiling as he continued to sing. When he changed to "Silent Night," following the sheet music on the piano, Jess started to sing along too.
***
Later in the car, on their way back home, Jess turned the heat up and put her cold hands over the vents. They'd been driving for a while, but there was still a fair amount of time before they got home. Leaving her childhood home always made her feel hollow. She'd longed to stay. To burrow down back home, forget the bakery, forget everything, and grow old with her mother. But she also couldn't wait to get out of there and return to the hustle and bustle of city life. Her soul belonged to both places.
The snow had completely cleared from the main roads, and the closer they travelled to Bristol, the more it disappeared all together.
"Thank you for earlier." She told him.
He gave a little shrug in response. "No need to thank me."
"Did you hear anything about what my mother said?" She asked, fishing to see if he heard her say she wasn't interested in him.
"Not much," he shrugged, "just her suggesting you date and you explaining why you don't want to."
She sighed in relief, resting her head against the cold window. "I understand where she's coming from. She wants me to be happy. She wants me to have a full life with children. I want that too. Just not right now; I don't think I'm ready to let him go. Not yet."
"You never have to let him go." He told her in a soft voice. "He will always be a part of you and your history. Moving on wouldn't erase that."
It would if I dated you. She thought. It would tarnish his memory, and it would feel like she was cheating on Adam. Even though she knew she would never do anything with Jake if Adam was still here, would she? She didn't even know anymore. Her feelings were swimming, colliding in a puddle of confusion. Did she always feel this way about Jake? A small part of her thought, yes.
She watched the world outside the window zoom past: grass, trees, and dull grey clouds. Aerials by System of a Down played, and Jake drummed his fingers on the wheel in time with the drums. She loved how into the music he got.
"Have you thought about looking for your parents?" She asked, desperate to change the subject, before her head exploded.
His grip tightened on the wheel, and the drumming stopped. He tensed all over at the mention of them. "No." He said plainly.
"I could help you look for them. Get some answers. See what type of people they are now?"
"No." He said it again, more firmly.
Jess didn't seem to get the hint, though. "Come on, it couldn't be hard to find out who they are. I'm sure Grace knows their name."
"Jess, drop it. I don't want to find them. If they were interested, they would have found me. Clearly, I'm not that important."
"But-"
"Drop it."
His voice was harsh, and Jess, for a moment, was shocked. He was always so gentle with her; he had never spoken to her so sharply before. She let it go, turning away from him again to watch outside. The tension was buzzing between them. It clung to them, thick and gloomy. The hills and mountains turned into buildings and concrete. The country life fading away. They weren't far away from Jessica's home when Jake spoke again; his face was calmer now.
"I'm sorry." He said, his voice hollow.
She watched him, and she shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. It's none of my business-."
"I did try and find them." He confessed, swallowing thickly as if it were hard to admit.
Jess's expression softened. "Oh."
"It was a few years ago now, but Grace gave me their details, and I tracked them down. And when they opened the door, they just stared right through me. I look like my dad, kind of. He looked worn, but I could see the resemblance. When I told them my name, they still stared at me blankly. It wasn't until I added your son that he let me in. The house was basically how I remembered it, but it was weird seeing it through grown-up eyes. They hadn't changed. They had all this time to change, and they never did." He caught his breath. "It was sad and pathetic. But it didn't bring me any closure. If anything, it made me feel worse."
"Jake, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise."
He let out a long sigh, then gave her a little side glance. "Being with your family made me realise one thing."
"What's that?"
"I'm better off without them."
"You are." She agreed. "You're an amazing man. They don't realise what they lost."
His lips pulled up, but only slightly.
The thought of his parents hurting him like they had twisted her insides. How dare they! How could they hurt such an amazing man? Even with all the pain, he had every right to turn into an asshole, but he didn't.
They didn't speak for the rest of the journey. Both were comfortable in the silence as the music played. Sometimes they even sang along; Jessica sounded like a screeching cat while Jake sang like an angel.
Eventually, they pulled up outside Jessica's house, and she lingered for a breath.
The tension that seemed to linger between them often now was back. Jess wanted to bolt. To open the door and run and lock her front door behind her so she didn't have to admit what nearly happened. They had to address what happened last night, or it would eat away at them.
Jess remembered vividly how close he was to her, his forehead pressing against her, his breath mixing with hers. She swallowed the thick, hard lump forming in her throat.
"About last night..." He began while her hand hovered on the door handle.
"Please don't." She begged, looking away from his eyes. Shame eating away at her.
"We should talk about it."
She shook her head. "No, we don't have to. We were just feeling a little lonely over the holidays, that's all."
"Jess-."
She shook her head. "It was a mistake, and I'm glad it didn't go any further, because I don't think I could live with myself if it had. Could you?" She asked him, her eyes teary as she begged silently for him to agree with her.
He turned away, his face suddenly unreadable as he stared straight ahead. "No." He breathed.
"This won't affect us, will it? Our friendship?" She asked. She felt her eyes sting. The thought of losing Jake was too much to bear. His friendship meant so much to her that she honestly didn't know how she would cope without him. He was the person she went to for everything—to fight her demon spider, to taste her weird cake concoctions before she sold them, to reminisce about a man they both loved so dearly.
The thought of a world without him was unfathomable; it made her throat close up.
Was her heart in her eyes? It felt like it was. When he turned and saw her, his expression softened. He reached up, his palm cupping her jaw as he brushed away a tear that had started to run down her cheek with his thumb. "You'll always have me, Jess."