It All Started With a Diary

rain

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"Loving you never was an option. It was a necessity." — Truth Devour

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Chapter 95
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I waved goodbye to my friends, stepping into the hall then finally out of the building. Kade was already waiting, a cigarette in one hand and propped against the building. Even though I had his car, I didn't drive it.

As usual, he put the cigarette out, then fell into step right beside me. Neither of us said a word, but just as it had been lately, it felt strange rather than comforting.

A month had passed since I yelled those words to him. I could see they affected him, but nonetheless, he never wavered in his effort. Each day, I continued to find different gifts and apologies at my door. And, every single time, I felt the guilt gnaw at my consciousness. Especially today.

Today was his brother's death date. Even though we weren't together, I was still linked to him. I didn't even think he knew that I remembered, but I did.

I could feel his grief in every step he took. I snuck a glance at him, but his eyes remained along the pavement as we walked.

The muscle in his jaw ticked, mouth down-set in a frown. My heart weighed so heavily with emotion, I had to stop. He mimicked my action a moment later, as if he'd been in a trance.

The hard line his mouth was set in broke. "Is something wrong?" he asked, examining me over. "Are you okay?"

I shook my head, my fingers tightening around the straps of my bag. My lips parted, but nothing came out other than a sigh. I didn't know what to say, what to do without complications. Nonetheless, his pain left an impression along my own.

Finally, I edged past the uncertainty, meeting his eyes. The dark spots under them let me know that he hadn't gotten much sleep the last couple of nights.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. "About Kacen. I hope you know that I'm here to talk if you..." I trailed off, entirely unsure if I were overstepping the boundaries. "I'm here to talk if you need it, don't forget that."

Kade nodded in return, his adam's apple bobbing under the pressure. He moved his strangled gaze forward. He said nothing else as we continued to walk.

By the time we made it back, my mind was a mess. Usually, he led me into my apartment then went to his own. Now, he was entirely knocked off course, and it pained me to see it.

I stared at his back as he turned to his door. I forced my feet to remain still, the urge following right along with him. It would only take a couple of steps, but that could possibly lead to something that neither of us were allowed to have right now.

With a sigh, I shut my door behind me, pressing my forehead against the cool wood. With a grimace, I confronted some of the conflict.

I didn't even know what to say to him, but I could figure it out. I just wanted to be there. I wanted to go after him, to hold him, and hear the thoughts that he only trusted me with. But, what would that make us? I didn't want to confuse him even more than I had my own self. Inside, it would feel as if we were together, but we weren't. And, we wouldn't be.

I didn't feel right leaving him alone, either. That was the confusing part. His caresses, warm words soft touches, and reassurance flooded me without hesitation. I knew I wanted to return that same care, and acknowledgment. He had no one here, and despite that being his own decision, it didn't change the facts. I knew that he didn't trust anyone else like he did me, either. He didn't deserve to drown in his emotions, not today of all days.

Before I could stop myself, I was on the move. After I fixed the dish and grabbed a bag of gummies, I fell back into step. I checked on Pyper, but she was sleeping so I was good there.

In a matter of minutes, I was right back in the hallway. My knock seemed much lounger than originally intended, but I held my grimace to a minimum.

I heard shuffling behind the door before Kade opened it. His saddened expression contradicted my smile. His eyes fell from my own, and instead peered down at the plate.

"Hi," I said before cringing at myself. My voice was much more pitched than I expected. Immediately, I cleared my throat. "I brought these. I didn't know if you were hungry, or if you've already eaten, but..." I trailed off of my rambling as I shoved the plate at him. Like an idiot.

His grief seemed to melt by the smallest bit as he nodded. Tugging at his lip, his eyes drilled into the plate before meeting mine. "Do you want to come in?"

I wasn't expecting it, but I was here. I nodded before I overthought it, then stepped forward.

I glanced around the room as he shut the door behind us. It was pretty simple: a flat screen plastered against the wall, a couple of dark pieces of furniture and a similar kitchen.

Before I turned, I saw the book I'd given him on top of the countertop, a bookmark right in the center. A smile passed my lips at it.

His eyes followed mine before he took the steps to close the distance between us. "You didn't have to."

I shook my head, immediately. "I wanted to. I just...I didn't want you to be alone tonight." His expression softened until the angst took hold, again. His eyes glossed over before they fell to the flooring.

A heavy sigh fell from his lips before he removed the plastic wrap from the plate. As soon as he saw the gummies, his lips tipped. My own followed before I sat down to join him.

***

Kade glared into my soul as he picked up his eight cards. "This is bullshit. Pure bullshit."

I stifled my laughter behind my set of cards, throwing my winning set on the table. "Five losses in a row? Grandma Jacky would be so ashamed."

"There's no way in hell. I know you're hiding cards up your sleeve," he grumbled. "You have to be."

I shook my head around a giggle. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Quit being a sore loser." I may have used some of Grandma Jacky's trick, but I claimed these wins as my own, nonetheless.

With a roll of his eyes, Kade murmured something along the line of congratulations. My head fell back against the sofa in laughter.

Once I came to, I saw his eyes already hovering on me, a small smile ghosting across his lips. The admiration in his eyes left my skin all tingly in retaliation.

"You know... "His gaze fell as he stacked the cards back into place. "Kace's first curse word was when we played this game." His chest bounced slightly from a chuckle.

I tilted my head, a smile rising as I watched him. "Really? Tell me."

I'd been here for a couple of hours, so it had to be around midnight, now. Neither of us grew restless. At first, we were just in each other's company until I went she grabbed some games from my apartment. Kade's mood seemed to flourish into something a little less tragic as the night continued on.

I could admit that I enjoyed it, him, us. It'd been months since we were alone, no tension or fighting. It was just us.

Though it was partially hard to avoid the times we caught eyes, or even barely touched one another. We were holding off the inevitable, but until then, I enjoyed being the one to bring such a smile to his beautiful face.

Kades' eyes gleamed as he recalled the memory. I pulled my legs under me as he did, planting my elbow on the top of the comfortable sofa.

"I was teaching him to play," he motioned toward the cards. "And, I beat him. Little guy threw the cards right in my face, and called me a son of a bitch." Laughter poured from his lips like cool liquid, and I absorbed every drop of it.

I followed up with laughter of my own. "He's definitely your brother." I motioned to some of the cards we'd thrown around. "I think you may have invented a couple of new swears when you had to pull your ten cards."

Kade rolled his eyes at me, nibbling at the inside of his check to stifle his smile. When I caught it though, it left me right in shambles. I shook myself from the hold, despite it remaining right there, anyway.

"I'll go get us some more juice," I offered, reaching for his glass.

His eyes jumped to me. "I can go get it—"

I shook my head, quickly standing. "It's fine. Apple right?" When he nodded, I tried to keep my steps neutral as I retreated to the kitchen. The distraction was more than needed right now.

I needed to get myself together. I was here simply as a friend. There shouldn't be any complications in that. It was too confusing for both of us to alter that.

Every time his fingers barely grazed mine, every time I caught his eyes on me, watching and listening as if he never wanted to stop. Every time he said something so sweet, it left me flustered and in stammers...it all ended up going against every single blockage I thought was secure.

Dragging myself from my mess of a mind, I hurried and refilled our glasses. When I turned to face him, I saw his attention set on the blank wall.

His face was grim, brows knitted into a frown. My heart wrenched in pain as I watched him attempt to process his own.

Slowly, I approached him. His attention flickered from the wall and to me.

I offered a smile, one he attempted to match, but failed. I sank down into the sofa, hesitating as the thought hit me right in the face with its nerve.

It was a daring one, but so was everything else these past few months. The consequences may come, but until then, the temptation was dire.

I edged myself closer to him. His eyes jumped to mine, immediately, matching my stare. "Kade?"

I glanced down as I saw him press his hands into either leg; I hadn't even realized he was shaking. "Yeah?"

Mustering every ounce of confidence I could, I moved closer until our spaces mingled. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around his body. Without warning, my body sunk into his as if it never left.

"What are you..." he whispered against my neck, before his hands fell to my back, gently furthering me into him.

His tense figure was beginning to relax against mine. "Let me hold you," I muttered, my voice barely audible as I squeezed him tighter.

I felt his body tremor in my hold. He held on as if he could never let go. For right now, I wouldn't let him.

"Are you sure?" I heard him ask, his voice cracking. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, baby. You don't have to if you don't want—"

I shook my head, shutting my eyes. His masculine scent furthered my grip, as it had so many times. "I want to." I could feel his skepticism worsening before his chest sucked in.

I felt him nod against me, settling us onto the couch. He fit perfectly against me, just as I remembered. I held my breath as he settled along my chest, his arms tightening around my waist.

We remained like that, just holding one another. My fingers ended up in his hair, then his neck. I retraced every single place my lips had been so many months ago. His eyes fluttered shut at the feeling.

I knew he wasn't asleep, but we both remained silent as we embraced one another. It was too comforting, too undeniable. For the first time in months, I felt like I was home.

"Kade," I muttered his name, retrieving his attention. "I was wondering if there was..." my words fell into a whisper as he raised his head, his eyes meeting mine. It hit me like a brick.

I watched his gaze fall to my lips. My mouth grew dry the longer I dawned on my next actions. The way he watched me made my body grow hot to the touch—it was the same desire from the cabin.

I told myself I was only doing it to make him feel better, but I knew better. Past the doubts, I knew that I wanted it just as bad as he did.

I nodded, and that was it.

Kade lifted himself until he was on top of me. His fingers traced the curve of my lips, his eyes never once falling. I watched the conflict drum along his expression past the desire.

Carefully, my hands pressed against his heating cheeks. His forehead went flush against mine as I murmured, "It's okay." I felt him nod against me before he followed up on it.

Each tempting second that passed felt like the longest ones in history. His fingers trailed along my skin, ceasing at my pulse as if he wanted to claim this moment forever, before he craned his neck. I lifted my own, and finally, we were connected to one another.

His lips moved against mine slowly, as if we were both absorbing every single thing, every single emotion, every word, from this one kiss. It'd been months, but our dance was too familiar. My blood boiled right under my skin at it, him.

I granted his tongue permission past my lips, entirely giving in. His moan vibrated all the way through my toes, hands falling from my face, and to my thighs.

He deepened the kiss, hauling my legs to his waist, and tugging me down to him. I tightened my hold, weighing my hand at the back of his neck as I went in for more.

Kade pulled away first, chest heaving. Even through our clothes, I could feel the heat radiating from him. His excitement was pressing so deeply into the navel of my stomach, it nearly caved me in right then and there.

His eyes were hooded as he dazed down at me. "Are you sure, sweetheart?" He left a gentle kiss to my forehead. "You know that we won't do anything you're uncomfortable with."

I nodded, my fingers trailing to the back of his head. His lips parted for a sigh as I traced through the strands. "I'm sure."

Kade breathed out a sigh, nodding. My body heated as he gazed me over.

The miss, the want, and desire was strong. It was overpowering anything else. We would have time for slow later, but for right now, I knew how badly we ached just to revisit the other's pleasure.

His hand fell to the button of my jeans, nearly ripping the piece off with urgency. I did the same for him, but it was easier since he didn't have a shirt on. Either way, the longer he was dressed, the more frustrated I grew.

Kade chuckled at my expression, but I only caught a quick glance of it. His head fell between the crook of my neck, immediately latching onto the spot that required attention the most.

His lips sucked, and teased while his teeth possessively grazed the tender skin for himself. The deep rumble of his voice bounced through me as he ground out, "I've missed you so fucking much, sweetheart."

I didn't stop my smile from following, but it was cut short as his hand slipped past my panties. My body was already yearning for need for him, all he had to do was address it.

I knew he caught it, as well. His finger sunk inside of me without issue, immediately curving for the perfect edge. Just as a moan slipped from me, he was setting me off with his urgency. Another finger was added to the mix, moving to the speed of lightning.

"Fuck," slipped from me in a whisper as I attempted to grasp the pleasure.

Kade's desire was painted perfectly. His free hand latched onto my wrists to hold me, bringing it just above our heads.

His lustful eyes traced over mine. "You're already so wet for me, sweetheart. That's my girl."

I didn't even have time to offer a retort before he was moving. He was forced to draw his fingers out, earning a groan from me. Just as the sound conjured in my throat, he had me, again.

Kade fell to his knees in front of me, parting my thighs back open with strong hands. Without warning, he wrapped that same grip around my ankles, tugging me down. He placed either of my legs on his shoulders, so that I was bare to him.

I knew he'd seen me naked, many, many times, but this was different. It'd been months since we had each other physically.

The way he was looking at me was what diminished my insecurities, though. His hooded eyes were gazing over my body with such appreciation, I didn't have a choice between confidence and want.

His eyes raised to mine, a grin following before he tightened his grip on me. "I can't wait to have this beautiful ass of yours on my face tonight, sweetheart," he mumbled out, but before I could offer anything in return, he was diving in.

It was like he was reading right through me, already having claim and knowledge of my wants for the night. I didn't even need to voice them with him.

My legs slumped on his shoulder as he inserted his finger back inside of me. His tongue flattened against my clit, alternating between long, slow and mind-numbing licks, and fast, mind-warping flicks.

I couldn't find which one to focus on. How deliciously his tongue was working, or how perfectly his finger was bucking inside of me until he found my sweet spot. It didn't take him long to do either one.

My moans only furthered his own. As soon as I arched my back into his mouth, his free hand slipped under me, fingers digging into the flesh of my ass.

"That's it, sweetheart," he coaxed, the deep timbre of his voice buzzing against me. "Let me hear you."

I did, without shame. It was impossible not to.

His eyes raised to mine, the desire in them only growing as he watched me attempt to maintain a resemblance of sanity against the pleasure. His attention fell to my clit all over again.

While his teeth gently tugged at it, his tongue lapped over the bud without patience. Fuck. I didn't try to fight it.

My head thumped against the cushions as the wave of arousal hit. It washed over me until I was forced to drown in it. My screams bounced off of his walls as I exploded for Kade's taking.

And, that he did. His moan of satisfaction sounded out through the space as he lapped up every drop until he had me shaking under his touch.

He didn't hesitate, or give me a second of recovery. To the speed of lightning, he was off of his knees, and back to me.

I accepted him, wholeheartedly, gathering his face between trembling hands.

"Fuck," he hissed, his lips falling to mine. In between kisses, he murmured, "I've missed the taste of you on my tongue so much, sweetheart. I'll never get tired of it."

His crudeness left me giggling in our kiss, causing his lips to tilt into a smile along mine. I took it, tightening my arms around the back of his neck. I didn't want to let go, not at all.

His cock was more than ready, from what I could feel. It was digging into my stomach without hesitation, just waiting for me to address it.

My hand slipped down the muscles of his chest, his stomach, earning a shudder from him, in return. Just as it grazed the head, Kade shook my head off, despite how quickly his cock jerked at my touch.

Kade's hands fell to cup either breast, his fingers latching onto my hardened nipples. "Fuck that," he grumbled against my lips. "It's all about you right now, sweetheart. Only you."

I ground out a sigh, raising my hand to his chest, again. There was no point in arguing against it since I was just as needy to have him inside of me.

Ever since Kade and I started sleeping together, I noted something about him at first. He never let himself get the pleasure first, it was always me. As long as I came first and more often than not, in multiples, then he would take his. I'd persuaded him a couple of times to put his own first, but the man was stubborn.

His cock licked at my slit so temptingly, it was taking every ounce of restraint to stop from turning this over, and straddling him myself.

Since I was still on the pill, there was nothing physically holding us back. Breathing out a shaky sigh, I nodded, placing a kiss to his warm cheek. "I want you."

That was all it took.

Either of our moans blended in with the other as he entered me. "Fuck, Kimberly." His groan sounded out against my skin, only further heating my blood. "Your pussy always grips my cock so fucking good, sweetheart."

His muscles strained around me as he attempted to stop himself from giving in too deeply to his desires, but that was what I wanted. All of him.

"Kade," I murmured against his lips, my voice breathless. "Fuck me. Now."

His eyes met mine, hesitantly. "Sweetheart—"

I shook my head, core clenching around his cock to match my want. "I want you."

His hesitation sunk into something much more wild. All I caught sight of were his brown eyes seeping back into mine with that same lack of control, before he was flipping me around. Giggles slipped from me as he did so, causing me to land onto my stomach.

One hand swept under me, tugging me up to him. It remained there, digging into my flesh as he reached for a pillow. "You asked for it, sweetheart." He placed it under me, then pressed a heavy hand to the small of my back, furthering me down to the sofa.

The arousal only deepened as I felt him part my legs with his own. He knew that this was my favorite position, as it only furthered him deeper inside of me when he had me this way. I wanted every piece of him.

A gasp slipped away from me when he slid his cock along my waiting slit. I heard his breathless groan from behind me as he felt the wetness drape the tip of his member. "And, whatever my girl wants, she gets."

Not even a second later, he was sinking back into me. It was so quick, so effortless, that I had wondered how it even went down.

But, that same curiosity was cut short. Everything around it was, too.

Either finger dug into the flesh of my hips, holding me in place. His first thrust was just a test run, compared to how he followed up on it.

His thrusts picked up to a steady, ruthless, sharp, and possessive pace. It was everything my body wanted from his.

My fingers dug into the armrest to maintain a grip, but it was useless with how rough he was being. It only furthered the burning desire that seemed to only flare for him.

My moans were only a sample of the pleasure he was inflicting. His own accompanied mine with grunts and breathless pants of arousal to follow, so low and so well aided in my desire, as well.

With how I was positioned, my face was buried in the cushions, rock-hard nipples scraping against the material of the couch, since the pillow had long ago fallen. I hadn't even bothered to make a reach for it; I didn't think my limbs were capable of much else.

His hand fisted my hair, tugging my head back. He lifted me until I was half up-right, my back against his warm chest. His hand closed in around my throat, gently squeezing as he held me to him. "I'll never get tired of hearing you scream my name, baby. Never," he groaned out, his voice barely audible through the mix of a pant and a moan. I felt his teeth scraping along my neck, claiming the spots for his until he got to my earlobe. Bursts of pleasure sprang through me as he tugged at it, his voice rocky as he mumbled a, "I'm gonna fuck you until it's all you remember, sweetheart."

Everything combined was too much for me to handle thoughtfully. I gave into it all. My body crumbled with mountains of heat, and Kade was right there, catching it, aiding it.

"It's okay, sweetheart," he mumbled the encouragement in my ear, only roughening his thrusts until I was a shaky mess of moans. "Let me have it, baby. I got you."

His hand draped down my stomach until he had me. Without waiting, the rough pad of his fingers crossed around my clit. They were relentless now, riding my orgasm right through.

Just as I started to cry out his name, he took possession of it, his free hand returning to my face to hold me to him. My lips trembled against his as I came, the lust hitting in relentless waves. I clenched, or maybe I didn't, I wasn't too sure, around his length, only furthering his moans.

His movements continued on, as they always did. He never stopped after one orgasm from me, and despite my rattled body saying otherwise, it was more than fine with me.

I let him further me back down into the cushions, the heavy weight of his hand remaining in the center of my back as he fucked me through another orgasm.

Kade's curses were being uttered in the form of a strangled growl. I heard him coaxing me into oblivion, something he always did. Something I always loved.

He was calling me beautiful, perfect, his. He was kissing me, he was touching me, he was embracing and comforting me, he was everything.

I wanted it all. I loved it all. Even though I would have to confront this later, I couldn't remain on that issue. I only wanted to focus on him, and on this moment I never thought we'd have, again.

***

The sunlight peeked through the blinds, directly into my eyes. I raised my head from my pillow.

Except, when I came to, I realized that it wasn't my pillow. Or, my bed. Nor was I alone in it.

Reluctantly, my eyes traced past the clothes that were dispersed across the room, then to the sleeping man next to me.

My breath hitched in my throat as I stared down at him. The memories from last night followed right along with my shock.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my...

Kade twitched in his slumber, shifting until he faced me. I froze, begging that he didn't wake up right now. I couldn't confront him after what we did last night.

What in the hell was I thinking? Before I came here, I told myself not to confuse things, but I only did that and more. Way more.

Carefully, I crept out of the bed and gathered my clothing. It was all scattered in so many different places, it was far harder than intended to find them.

I watched over Kade for any movement as I shoved myself into my jeans. This would probably be so much easier if we didn't live right by each other.

I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket just as I tossed my shirt on. My eyes jumped to Kade, who shoved the blanket off, fully revealing hisself. His cock was already risen, just waiting for acknowledgment. My skin heated, even though there was no real point. After last night, we knew each other's bodies like the back of our hands.

I wasn't sure how many times we carried on, but I knew that we didn't stop until the sun came up, and our bodies shut down. The reminders weren't only there emotionally, but physically, as well.

My phone vibrated, again, so I pulled it out. My eyes widened once they jumped to the time. 4:10.

Shit.

We had been asleep for hours. This wouldn't be such a problem if I hadn't promised a meet up with a friend. I only had fifty minutes to get ready, and if I didn't hurry, I'd miss it.

I glanced at him one last time before retreating through his bedroom door. I grabbed at the last bit of clothing, managing to barely graze the doorknob before I heard him.

"Where are you going?"

I cursed under my breath, jerking around. He was already in a pair of shorts, arms crossed over his naked chest, which was covered with hickeys. The very same one I made last night.

I cleared my throat, forcing my gaze past the marks along his neck. "Home. I have to go meet someone."

"Someone?" Kades' eyes shifted to my phone as it beeped, again. They darkened, his expression growing sour. "A date?"

I shoved the phone into my pocket, away from his sight. "Adrian's just a friend, not that it's any of your business."

"He seems desperate as shit," he said with disgust, nodding toward my pocket that just vibrated, again. The jealousy brewed under his mask, but he had no shame in showing it.

I snorted, eyeing him. "You're one to talk."

Kade's chuckle tickled at my brain. He approached me until our chests nearly touched one another's. "That's because he hasn't had you, nor will he ever have you, sweetheart." His fingers lightly grazed up my neck, until he paused at my trembling chin.

Slowly, he placed the smallest of kisses to my puffy lips. "If there's going to be a name on your lips, it's going to be my own. No one elses. No man could have those pretty thighs of yours quivering around their face the way I did last night, no other fucker could make you sound like that. The way your pulse is racing, the way your heart is pounding at my voice...no one else will have that. No one."

I wanted to offer a come back, but his words made my blood turn into mush all over again. It was true, and I hated that it was. I glared back into his eyes before turning away. My skin went cold without him on it.

"Whatever," I murmured as I approached the door. "Last night was just a one time thing, so don't get anything stuck in your head."

I hurried out of his door, immediately rushing into my own to avoid further confrontation. I slammed it so hard, the sound bounced off of the walls in retaliation.

I planted myself against the wood as I had so many times before, swiftly shutting my eyes.

I needed to get myself together, but shit. Last night was ethereal, it was every single thing I missed and ached for all in one, everything that I could have if I just forgave him. But, it was a mistake, it had to be.

I could have passed it off as a hookup, but we both knew. The intimacy, the knowing eye contact, how he held me to him so compassionately, the things he knew to say in my ear, the way our everything was in perfect sync...

It was all too much to process. I knew he wasn't in fault; I initiated it myself. But, for the time being, I needed someone else to blame for my own mistakes.

I tried to push the fact that if it were truly a mistake, I would have stopped after the first, second, or third time. But I didn't...I didn't want to.

The memories were beginning to taunt me with their dissension until I grasped control. "Okay," I rushed out, fully prying my eyes open, and taking a step back from the door.

At least for the next couple of hours, I could block this part of my life off. I was actually looking forward to the dinner.

It was an altering fact, but I made a couple of friends here. I met Wren at freshmen orientation; we bonded over the icebreakers. Then, she introduced me to Astrid, Ellie, and Adrian, who were also in my psych. course.

In the past couple of months, I grew to enjoy their company. Adrian was a bit flirtatious, but when he tried one of his pickup lines on me, I didn't bother.

Once, he made the mistake of trying it in front of Kade, who was waiting right outside. I had tried to make Adrian stop it for his own sake, but it was too late, and Kade caught sight of what he said. I'd never heard so many insults leave Kade's mouth in a span of seconds.

After that, Adrian apologized, and kept the comments to himself, probably because he'd heard Kade's threat loud and clear. I tried to reassure that it was just a joke for his own sanity, but with Kade, I knew that it wasn't.

Last week, Adrian asked if I wanted to try this new restaurant just around the corner from the campus. I didn't consider it as anything, but that; Adrian knew I wasn't interested in him, so I accepted.

I had completely forgotten about it last night. If I would have remembered, I would have had an excuse to stop from giving in. If I would have had the strength to walk away. Even though my mind was a blob of shit, my body tingled the longer I thought on it.

Even in the shower, I felt my brain teasing at me. I knew I shouldn't be torturing myself, but it was impossible.

It had been months, nearly an entire year since I had him physically. All along, I could excuse my attraction for just physical, and that was what I thought would be the case. But it wasn't. In fact, it only proved what I knew all along...

I was still in love with Kade. Incredibly so.

I felt my back hit the cool shower wall. It was prolonged, but it never once ceased. I knew he was in love with me as well, there was no possible way he wasn't. He had spent the past year still holding onto me, and the past couple months trying to prove it, and last night...

I remembered every single thing too well. I wasn't sure if he had touched another woman since me, but by the things he did last night, I didn't believe it was possible.

The way his voice grew so weak the moment he touched me, how he turned my face to him every single time, demanding to look into my eyes every time I hit rock-bottom in the best way possible. How his adam's apple jumped every time he moaned my name. The time he spent carefully grazing every inch of me, the way his hands gripped the sheets for dear life every time—

My head shook; I needed to get out of this damn shower.

I wrapped myself in a towel, then opened the door. My mind was so fuzzy, I barely even noticed the waiting man on my bed.

I grasped my chest in shock, the movement catching his attention. He was as relaxed as ever on my bed, feet crossed, v-line completely visible. The same one I kissed last night.

I shook myself to get out of the grasp. "What are you doing here?"

His eyes bounced between my own and the towel. I gripped it for support as his lips tipped into a sly smile. "Quit looking at me like that." I wasn't sure I would remain in it any longer if he continued on.

His head tilted as he lifted himself from the bed. "Like what, beautiful?"

He approached me until our spaces mingled. My being wavered, the towel slipping right from my fingers. I didn't make a move for it.

Our attention followed it, before long fingers grazed the skin along my cheek until they wrapped around my chin. I allowed him to tip it up, but forced my gaze to the bed behind him.

My skin grew to a torch, and I feared he could hear the beat of my heart. "Like you're..."

His smile fell as my phone rang out from behind us. I forced myself to step away, and use it as a aversion.

"You're going out with another fucker, on a date." He said it as if it were the most disgusting thing he'd ever heard.

I rolled my eyes, grasping my towel, again. "It's a friend thing, not a date. We're just going out to eat."

Kade tugged his lip between his teeth, his eyes darkening as he nodded. "You're going to go with this son of a bitch after I just had you spread out on my face with my tongue in your—"

I jerked my head up as the color threatened to spill out my cheeks. This man had no filter, none at all. "Kade."

I caught sight of his clenched fists as he glared down at my phone; he was actually jealous.

I tried to avoid his wandering eyes as I put on a bra. "Have you never heard of a casual hookup? That's what happened between us, nothing else."

There was more, so much more. But, until I could figure it out, it had to remain this way.

"There are no casual ass hookups with you, ever," he retorted with an eye roll. "You don't just casually have sex with the woman you love. At least I know I fucking don't."

I pulled my sweater over my face, taking far long than necessary in order to hide from his smolder. To hear him say he loved me had the same effect as it did a year ago.

"Well..." I turned around as the truth threatened to drown me. "You can think whatever you want. I..." My voice fell as I caught his movements in the mirror.

He didn't stop until our body heat merged into one another's, again. Softened eyes met mine in the mirror, entirely indulged in affection.

My breath ceased into a tight gulp as his fingers lightly danced around my waist, shifting me until I faced him.

"Kimberly," I shut my eyes against the rawness of his voice. "Show me those pretty eyes, sweetheart." I did, and his own took me aback.

Light brown eyes—so entirely heavy with regret and need—disputed my anger. His hand against my flushed face was as cold as his heart, but once I felt that shiver run down my spine, I knew it wasn't his hand that caused it.

It was him.

Kade's voice was as small as the space in between our bodies. "Do you remember every time that I doubted it? You, me, us?"

I tried to turn away, only to gently get plastered back against his chest. Our heartbeats, synced by our own law, continued their unpracticed routine.

"Please, sweetheart," his voice quivered from under him, his hands curling around the back of my neck, until he reached my face. "Answer me." The pads of his thumbs swept across every corner, earning a sample of a hum from me. I shut my eyes, falling right into the yearning.

I left words unspoken. Instead, I gave a nod, the rage still sizzling so incredibly deep in my bones.

I anticipated every breath, every word. Each day, you could only take an uneducated guess at what he would say. What he would do.

I felt my heart tremor as he leaned in. "I was wrong, fuck me, I was so wrong," he whispered, the words tickling my ears. "Because, with you, there are no doubts. Only love, so, so much love. And, I will spend every single day, every minute, and every fucking second proving that I deserve it."

A small gasp slipped from my lips as he released me. Without another word, he slipped out of my door, then back into his own.

My fingers grasped at the ends of the vanity as I stared at the spot he was just in. The blood only thickened in my ears the longer I stood there. Shit.

I was losing. The more I tried to stray from him, the harder he tried. I never expected him to keep this going for nearly a year, but he had. He was true to his commitment, and I didn't know what to do with it.

It was impossible to forget him, and as much as I doubted it, whatever the hell he was doing was working. It was all working. At least, I think.

I could have called it all off any time in these past few months, but I hadn't. I wanted to see how far he'd go, or if he'd even go it at all. The longer he stayed, the harder he tried...the more I felt my wounds heal.

Last night, my mind and heart finally settled together and I had a moment of peace. But as much as I wanted to ride off of that forever, I was still hesitant of everything. I wasn't sure if my love could associate itself with my forgiveness.

It was too hard to jump.

***

Adrian was a cute guy, I give him that.

His blonde hair was carefully swept to the side, even though he tried to play it as casual. Sparkling blue-green eyes, and pretty pink lips. His style was casual, and he had a nice build. He was cute, but not enough to say the things he did.

The moment I came in, I apologized for being a couple of minutes late. His response stood along the lines of 'women have a tendency of that.' I was taken aback, but continued on.

Now I wished I hadn't.

The moment the waiter came, Adrian made a comment that women were always slow in ordering. This was only one of the many, many defeatist things he said. If I heard him spew one more misogynistic line, I was going to throw this soup right on him and his bullshit.

If Kade was here, he would have already done it. I could imagine him right now, casually scowling at Adrian, his grip tightening around the water as he prepares to throw the glass, the soup and all. Water would be too good for him, is what he would say.

The thought made my lips tip into a humored smile. A part of me wanted to walk away from Adrian mid-sentence, and return home to him.

Him.

I wasn't even sure what I wanted right now, but I knew it lies on the line along Kade. It was all so bittersweet, but last night hadn't been.

It was dark outside right now, and to top my stupidity, I walked here. I should have taken Kade's car for a getaway route, but I hadn't expected the asshole in front of me. I wasn't sure how I didn't catch it before, but I blamed it on the fact that I never was alone with Adrian before. Never again, though.

His eyes fell from a waitress's ass, and returned to me. "Are you enjoying the pasta?" I watched the droplets of spit fall from his mouth as he chewed on a piece of spinach.

I grasped my stomach with one hand to stop from hurling. "It's fine." It was absolutely terrible, he was the one who ordered it for me since I was 'taking too long.'

My hand fell to my pocket, marking a sweet smile along my face as I pulled out my phone.

"Are you still unsure about dessert?" he asked, cutting a piece of chicken off before he waved his fork around with a chuckle. "What am I saying? Of course you are. Women and their desire to be so confusing is a normalcy. I'll go ahead, and order for you."

The anger sizzled through my blood as I unlocked my phone. "You do that." I watched him wave over the waitress he was just eye-fucking, before I began to type.

Without much else, I typed the name of the restaurant, and a sample of the problem before I hit send. I felt my stomach drop in anticipation; what if he didn't come?

My fingers drummed over the phone case as I watched the phone for an alert. None came, it only said that he read it. Minutes passed, and still no response.

My lips fell into a frown as I continued to eye the phone. Maybe I had ran him off for good. Just the thought alone left a sense of dread to follow.

Realistically, I knew I didn't deserve his help. I'd rejected it this entire time, and now that I was in need, I called for it. He was done with me. I wondered if he had already boarded the plane back to Washington; I couldn't even blame him if he had.

Tears began to swell in my eyes the longer I thought on it. My fingers tightened around my fork before I pushed the plate away, entirely. My appetite was long gone.

Adrian caught my eye as I did so, rolling his own as he sucked his teeth. I heard him mutter something bigot, and I felt my anger spill past it's walls. Fuck him.

Just as I opened my mouth to rip into his bullshit, I heard the chair scrape from beside me. Adrian's eyes moved to the spot, and my own followed them. Kade's eyes were already on Adrian, entirely ablaze with disgust.

My chest caved in the longer I stared at him. He came.

He met my eyes, before he scooted closer to my chair. "Hey, sweetheart." His arm wrapped around my shoulders, tugging me into a side-hug, before he looked to Adrian.

His eyes darted between Kade and I, slowly placing his fork down. "What's going on..."

Just as I went to respond, Kade beat me to it, "What's going on is that you need to learn to shut that big ass mouth of yours." Kade let his arm fall from me, instead crossing them over his chest as he stared daggers into Adrian's shocked face.

His mouth fell open, averting his accusing gaze to mine. "Did you..." he shook his head in disbelief, pursing his lips. "Of course you did. God, women are always—"

Kade snorted, his gaze darkening the longer he watched Adrian. "You can't even grip your pathetic excuse of a dick in your own hand, yet you have the nerve to try to shit talk someone else? Just learn to shut the fuck up, already, because I promise you, no one other than your wasted excuse of a birth giver gives a fuck about any of the bullshit you have to say." He flicked his head at the flustered boy. "Tell me something, though."

I choked on my water as I heard him, my eyes widening. His own remained right on the stuttering man in front of us. "I heard you were a being a little bitch to my girl. Was that right?" Adrian was too distraught to answer, all he managed was a pathetic excuse of a breath.

His gaze skipped to me, softening over. "Scoot back for me, sweetheart." At my dumbfounded expression, he tightened a hand around the bottom of my chair, pushing it, and me out of the way. I guessed it was to stop me from getting hit if a fight broke out.

His attention returned to Adrian. "Now. Do you want to say those same things you said to my girl, back to me?" Kade's head tilted at him, his eyes quietly daring Adrian in his spot. "Go on. Let me know. I'm all ears."

I glanced to Adrian, who was sizing Kade up. Even though he was a prick, I hoped he walked away for his own good.

His eyes squinted at the both of us before he scoffed, rolled his eyes, then threw his napkin down. His face went red as he stood up, the chair scraping after him.

I felt my chest release with relief as he marched off into the crowd. He'd just saved his own life.

I turned to Kade with a sigh of relief that seemed to relax my chest. "Thank you for coming. I didn't think you would..." my voice fell as the thought passed, again. Only pain came at the image of him leaving.

His arms fell as he stared at me. Before I could react, his hand went to the bottom of my chair, tugging me closer to him until we were in each other's spaces.

His finger brushed a stand of hair away from my face. "You called," he responded with a small smile. "I'll always come for you, sweetheart, you know that." I nodded with appreciation, offering a small in return.

I watched him pull out his wallet, then throw a couple of bills onto the table. "Stupid fucker didn't even pay for you, yet had the nerve to voice his dumbassery."

Laughter spilled past my lips despite tonight's events. "Dumbassery? Are you getting bold with your vocabulary from scramble?"

His eyes danced with humor as he stood, offering his hand to me. "That's a term invented only for him." I took his hand, the electricity humming inside of me at it.

He scooted my chair back in behind me. His eyes darted over either of our plates. "You don't even like that kind of pasta," he commented with an eye roll, his hand still hanging in mine as we walked to the door.

I glanced at him with confusion before I got it. "He was the one who ordered it; I took too long, apparently." I rolled my eyes at the fresh memory.

Kade's scowl deepened before it fell into a grin. "It's always funny to me." He bumped into my shoulder with a chuckle. "The longer you take, the more I get to be with you. And, look and talk to you. I could watch you stare at a racing snail, and still never want to look away." I rolled my eyes, not even bothering stop the laughter from falling out of either of us.

He pushed the restaurant door open for me. I grasped my naked arms in reaction to the November night chill. I always said I loved the cold until it was actually here.

Without a request, Kade removed his jacket. I grasped it before glancing to him; he only had a short-sleeved shirt. "Are you sure?"

He nibbled on the inside of his cheek to stop from smiling. "It's yours, sweetheart. Put it on." I did with a nod of gratitude.

We started out on the sidewalk. I expected to make a turn for his car but we never did.

"You didn't drive here?" I questioned him.

He cast a glance my way before shaking his head. "I didn't know if you'd been drinking or not. I know how sick you get when you're drunk, and in a moving car and I didn't want to make you sick or make you feel bad about it, so I walked, well...ran here." His eyes remained on the pavement as we continued on.

I paused in my step, and he mimicked me. My heart stammered in my chest as I absorbed him in. His sincerity and care soothed me inside and out, slowly wrapping me right back into him.

From the street light, I could only catch small glimpse of his beautiful face. "Thank you, Kade." His eyes raked over my expression before he nodded.

Neither of us moved from the pavement; I didn't think it was possible. The longer I stared into his eyes, the more the ache grew inside of me.

My lips parted to barely muster, "Kade." I took a step closer.

I saw his throat bob as he matched it. "Kimberly." One more step, and we'd be connected. One more step.

Just as I went to take it, I heard a loud clap in the background. The thunder rolled, and before I could account for it, the rain began to pound down on everything and everyone in its reach.

I felt my heart plummet, but not at the weather change. Kade tipped his head up to the sky with a glare, silently cursing it's timing.

I lifted my lips into a smile, turning away and staring straight ahead. "I bet I can beat you back to the apartments. If I win, you owe me a pizza from Penns." A chuckle spilled from his lips before he went for a response, but I was already on my mission.

Laughter coerced through the rain from both of us as our feet hit the wet pavement. I knew Kade was far faster than me, but nonetheless, the chase was enjoyable.

I glanced back over my shoulder as I sped up. I could barely see through the rain, but I could hear him right on my heels. His own laughter, deep and wholeheartedly...it healed the cracks inside of me ever so carefully.

"Catch up, slow ass!" I yelled over my shoulder. "I—" A curse fell from me as he posted right by my shoulder, softly bumping against it.

My apartment was across the street, so there was no way I would catch up in time.but it was reveling to still try.

Just as I went to catch up, the rain cursed me one final time tonight. My foot hit a puddle, and before I could fix the mistake, I was slipping. An oof rushed out of my wet lips as my bottom hit the hard pavement.

I heard Kade curse, reversing his steps. He was coming back to me in a heartbeat, but before he could, he was making the same mistake I had.

Just as we met eyes, he lost his footing at the same spot I had, and went tumbling down in front of me. Once he came to, his shocked expression matched my own to the last detail.

He looked at me.

I looked at him.

Then, we both burst out laughing.

Even though we were both absolutely drenched, and our asses now had matching bruises, it was far too uproarious. We didn't stop our laughter until we were grasping our stomachs.

"You should see your face," I spilled out past the series of amusement.

Kade laughed. "I was trying to help you, smart ass." He shook his head, his grin stretching so wide that my own followed up right next to it.

At the speed of lightning, Kade was back on his feet. His hand stretched out for me, and I took it, our eyes remaining on the other.

The humor in his expression started to die. "Are you okay, though?" he asked, his eyes running over me carefully for examination.

I nodded, responding with a small smile. "My ass hurts, but yeah. Are you?" At his nod, we both chuckled in union before we started our walk, again.

His eyes flickered up to the apartment building. "You know...I did beat you."

I rolled my eyes, shoving the wet strands of hair from my face. "It was a tie as soon as we both busted our asses."

I was glad to see my door, but the sadness wrapped me up in its embrace, immediately. I didn't want this moment to end.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night, baby."

I prayed he didn't catch the way my breathing ceased to be just that at that term, alone.

He tugged his phone out of his pocket, wiping its wet screen along his shirt. "I'm going to get your food delivered to you before I get in the shower. A meat-lovers, and plain wings, right? Do you want a drink, too?" He continued listing, but I paid it no mind.

I wasn't entirely sure of what I was doing, but I couldn't focus on anything else other than the fire roaring in my blood. Right now, in this moment, it was all I could face. It was burning inside of me the longer I attested to its existence.

"Actually," I cleared my throat, causing his eyes to jump to mine. "I was wondering if you would like to come in." My gaze darted to the door, then back to him. "I won't be able to eat it all by myself."

Kade looked taken aback for a moment, his eyes bouncing between me and the door. It was strange to see such a confident person so conflicted.

Finally, he got himself together. His rain tipped lips pressed against the other before he nodded. "Let's go, then."

I bit back a smile, turning to face him. It was hard to get the key through, but I managed.

As soon as the door was open, I basked in the warmth. The heater was a heaven sent right now.

I led Kade toward my bedroom, then turned to face him. "Do you want your shower first?"

I caught him glancing around my room, carefully. He'd never been in it for too long before, especially under these circumstances. His eyes fell over every surface before he nodded.

"You go ahead, baby. I'll go after you," he responded so casually, as if he wasn't tripping my heart up every time he spoke. "I'm going to go get some clothes from my apartment, then call in the food."

I nodded, but before I could prepare myself, he was in my space. Even though his lips were ice cold from the outside, the kiss against my cheek only ignited my insides.

His chilly fingers gripped either elbow before he stepped away. Warm eyes met mine through the cold. "I'll be right back." My head barely moved in return as he left the room.

I had no idea what I was doing. I wanted him entirely, but I was taken by my fear. Not of him, never of him, but of the things he could do, of the things he already did.

I forgave him, but I didn't forget. That fear had slowly evanescenced over the past couple of months, but the small amount that remained spoke for everything.

I was amazed that he didn't give up, though. Not once did he grow frustrated or tired. His effort and abilities were effective, and even though he was successful in that, my mind was so conflicted about it all. I wasn't sure if I should hold onto the past, or look toward the future.

I pulled myself from my mind long enough to turn on the shower. As I waited for it to heat, I left to retrieve my clothes, and quickly discarded of my drenched ones. I wouldn't be surprised if Kade or I came up sick anytime soon after tonight.

My bottom ached from the fall, otherwise I would have enjoyed a good bubble bath after the stress of the day. I didn't know what Adrian would tell our friends, but I knew I wouldn't look too good in his version of events. Oh well, though.

I'd only been in the shower for a couple of minutes when I heard the door to my bedroom click open. I glanced through the open space before I froze.

Since I had gotten so used to being here alone, I usually left the door to the bathroom wide open. Currently, I was under the stream, my mouth agape as I stared at Kade, who hadn't even caught notice, yet.

"The pizza should be here in—" he raised his attention from his phone, his eyes falling to mine. Then, to my naked figure. I watched his cheeks flood as his gaze bounced between the two.

Finally, he cleared his throat, his lips falling into a frown as he grew rigid. "Shit, baby. I'm sorry. I should have knocked."

I wasn't sure why I didn't try to cover up( or shut the door. I remembered the want and pure lust in his eyes everytime he had me under him, and I ached for that connection all over, again. It was a dangerous play, but so was every other thing that transpired between us these past couple of months.

I saw him shift in his spot as he glanced toward the door. That same need only intensified as I noted the bulge beginning to build under his pants.

"Come in," my words were barely above a whisper, but by the way he tensed up, I knew he heard me. "Shower with me, if you want." I shrugged, averting my gaze to the shower wall.

I tried to smooth over my expression, but nonetheless, my insides were turning to mush the longer he watched me.

I heard him undressing, every passing second feeling entirely too long. I raised my eyes to his, fully taking him in. The ache between my legs only escalated at the sight of him. Neither of our gazes moved as he stepped into the shower, shutting the glass door behind him.

His eyes fell first, dipping down every inch of me. I didn't try to cover up; he'd already seen it all. Instead, I took my time venturing along his heavenly figure, as well.

His fine torso tightened as he turned for the soap. It was troubling how long it took me to look away from it.

Slowly, he wrapped his hands around my arms, turning me until my back was to him. With his height, I was simply a speck under him. I shut my eyes as his hands began to lathe me up.

I felt him pause right under my breasts, his neck craning until I felt his presence near my face.

"Are you okay with me touching you, sweetheart?" he asked, looking to me.

Despite how bare I was to him last night, he still asked for permission before proceeding on. I opened my eyes with a small smile, nodding.

He continued on. My back was pressed firmly against his chest, so I felt every racing beat of his heart, every hitch, every bump. Everything.

His heart was pounding just as hard as mine. I forced my lips shut once his fingers traced the outline of my hardened nipples for a moment too long. Finally, I felt those same fingers detail around one of the hickeys he left last night.

His chest sucked in from behind me, trailing over the spot along my neck. "I hope that fucker saw them." I went to turn, but he stopped me with, "I hope he saw, that he knows you're mine."

His fingers returned to my breasts, gathering them in a comforting hold while his fingers tended, and toyed with my nipples. A moan spilled from my lips as the sensation shot right to my core.

I felt his breath tickling my ear, one hand falling from me. "Are you mine, sweetheart?" That same palm rested against my thigh, running along its length before it began to slow. Only a couple of inches, and I would have it all.

"Tell me, baby," his voice fell into a whisper past the stream of water. "Could he have touched your beautiful self the way I do?" His hand patted against my thigh, something he always did to signal them apart. As soon as I did, his fingers began to circle just spaces away from my sex. "Could he have had made you sound like this?" He was teasing, and it was driving me insane.

His lips feathered along my neck, humming against the tender skin. "Could he have had what's mine, beautiful?" I felt his tongue dart against me as his lips shut, so that his voice was muffled against me, "Come on. Talk to me, sweetheart."

I grasped his muscles, my eyes slamming shut as he dipped a single finger inside of me so easily. With the length and thickness of his fingers, it was always enough. "No," I rasped out.

His chest bounced with a deep, throaty chuckle. "You were already thinking about me, sweetheart?"

It was more of a fact than a question; it was more than a obvious answer, too. I nodded, anyway, planting my head back against his bare chest.

Agonizingly slow, he began to add more fingers to the mix. I fell into his grasp entirely as his thumb padded at my clit. One hand wrapped around my waist to trap me in my spot.

His groan echoed off of the walls as I pressed my figure against him. His cock was only building the friction against my cheeks, already ready for me. The pleasure was making the world spin from under me, and we were only just beginning.

"Are you mine, sweetheart?" he repeated, craning his head to capture my neck, again. "I'm not going to ask, again."

Instinctively, my walls gripped at his fingers as he sped up, causing a round of curses to slip away from him as he dug himself into my backside. It was all too much to remain sane.

As the words fell from my lips, I knew it was already a fact. "I'm yours."

***

"Did you like the movie?" I asked, climbing off of Kade, who was sporting a lazy grin.

His head tilted at me, his arm instantly training around my waist. "I wasn't paying attention to the movie, sweetheart. Not with the way your pretty ass was moving on my—"

"Kade." I ceased him over with a glare. "You're going to get out if you finish that."

Instinctively, I went under the blankets with him. I chuckled as he pulled us under entirely, passing more of the blanket to me than himself. We both settled on our sides, set right in each other's grasps.

Just as he leaned in to kiss me for the umpteenth time tonight, his phone buzzed. He scowled, but ignored it. Our lips met, but the phone buzzed, again.

With a chuckle, I pulled away. "Answer it."

His annoyed expression sent me into a round of giggles before he grabbed the phone from the stand. His eyes roamed over whatever it was, but he didn't make another move.

I lifted myself. "What is it?" I asked, carefully.

He glanced to me, lips set in a frown. He placed the phone back in its original spot, then shifted to me.

"Daniel's dead," he revealed. "Overdose."

I stared back at him in shock, maybe for too long. It'd been a year since I heard of Daniel's whereabouts, but now I knew. I wasn't sure if it were an accidental or intentional overdose, but I didn't want to know, either.

"Wow," was all that slipped from my lips.

I averted my gaze to my curtains, fully drawing my knees in. Daniel was dead.

I wasn't entirely sure why he helped Natasha and Amber, but I could assume it was some vendetta against Kade. All of them were gone now, and I would never bother to ask for the details. I was safe...but that meant Kade was leaving.

My stomach fell at the thought. I frowned, my fingers digging into the sheets as I tried to grasp the panic, the pain. He had no actual reason to stay any longer.

Kade caught hold of my expression. "What's wrong?" he shifted, pulling me toward him. "Talk to me, baby."

A heavy sigh escaped before I met his eyes. "Daniel's dead...you have no reason to stay here, anymore. You're going to leave." Just admitting it aloud made my mind cloud with conflict.

Kade's hands gripped my face, tilting my head up until I was forced to look at him. "I'm leaving?" It sounded more like a question than a fact.

I blinked at him in confusion. "You're not?"

His brows drew together as he shook his head. "Not unless you want me to..." A sense of panic and pure distress washed over his expression before he raised his gaze to mine, again. "Do you want me to leave?"

I didn't, I truly didn't. It was the last thing I wanted. These past couple of months, I grew so accustomed to his company, and just...him. As much as that fear of the inevitable remained, I couldn't deny that I wanted him here.

"I want you to stay."