Song: Here we go again - Demi Lovato
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Hailey
Three weeks.
The wedding was right around the corner and I was still dateless.
They had kindly reminded us through the family group that we were to attend at least a couple dance lessons before the day. Why? Meredith won't want anyone but her in the spotlight. Us aimlessly filling her background wasn't enough?
Well, no. Apparently not. Not when you were a bridesmaid.
The invitation had been glaring at me from it's spot on my desk. Not for the first time I balanced the option of tearing it down to little pieces so I could no longer read their stupid names together. Meredith and Marco. How stupid.
I had to exit the room not to give into those instincts.
The closer the event came the more uneased I was and the more I think back to my meeting with Marco not too long ago. They didn't want me to go. That should spike me enough to want to go and be the physical prove of their discomfort. I mean, if I was bothering them enough for Marco to go out his way to convince me not to, they must at least feel something towards me. Even if it was just resentment. I could exploit that.
But just thinking about seeing my family and them, in my grandparent's house, on a June wedding...
I pushed the laptop away and covered myself with the couch blanket I had over my legs.
This was ridiculous. This anxiety. I had done nothing wrong.
The phone over the coffee table before me lighted up with another incoming text in that same family group. Someone sending them hearts and congratulations over the reminder of their upcoming bonding and my stomach twisted.
There was no way I was concentrating on research for next article when my mind was this overwhelmed by everything else.
Just as I contemplated calling Kimmy or Eli to come take my mind off before I completely lose it, the doorbell rang and I clenched the hold on the blanket around me. I didn't want to face reality. Even moving would be like acknowledging the world was spinning and moving on and I was a second closer to face utter humiliation. But what else could I do?
The doorbell rang again and this time there were knocks as well. "Hailey, come on." my heart pinched at Nate's muffled voice through the space and the wooden door. "I know you're there."
Of course I was here. Working, supposedly. Because on top of everything, I had canceled my date tonight with Cal, a sweet guy from the dating app. But what was even the point? I just... If Elon -being so perfect for me- had been a date I couldn't enjoy... what's the point of losing both mine and Cal's time?
And now Nate was here.
And after our last conversation, I didn't know what to think.
About him. About us. About anything...
This was getting too tangled and messed up, and what I first thought would get him out my systems just succeed in letting him in. All the way in through the highway and without a fight. Without a sad barrier to prevent more damage.
I'd been stupid and naive. I could never think straight with him and I still went and acceded to dive head first.
And now the wedding was right here and I still had no one.
"Come on." he knocked again and I guessed I couldn't just let him out there forever. Sighing, I got up and adjusted the oversized knitted jersey around me. I forced my feet close to the door, feeling smaller each step I took. "I've brought you chocolates?"
I bit my lip, finally reaching the door and unlocking it. Nate was there, leaning against the door frame and his green eyes found mine like an arrow, making me weak.
I haven't seen him since last week when my failed date with Elon lead me straight to him. After the game was over and I told Elon it wouldn't work, Nate brought us to have dinner at a takeout place and then drive us to a near car park where we stayed till almost midnight.
And that was it. We didn't talk about what happened at the bathroom or about my date. We talked about anything and everything else and then he drove me home and kissed me on the cheek.
And it messed me up.
And I didn't know what to think.
I'd thought he was into the fire we had, but lately he seemed less and less interested in the deal we made. Making me believe there was something more and I couldn't afford to even think of taking that path. Not when it would be like signing my own dead-sentence. Right? I'd been there before.
But then, why did he get jealous? Or so sensitive? Or needy? I didn't remember him being this needy and it made me soft in a dangerous way.
In an uncontrollable way.
His brows shot up and his lips pulled into the tiniest smirk. "You've opened." there was actual surprise there. "Was it for the chocolates?" Nate rose a small paper bag and that soft feeling was back. I almost wanted to smile, but it was like there was a weight pulling me down and just thinking about it felt like a lot of effort. Nate's face faltered as he gave me a double check making me feel like shifting on my feet. "You okay?"
"Peachy."
"Mh." he hummed but didn't look convinced. I reached out to take the bag, but he reatract it and when I met his eyes again he smirked softly. "Aren't you gonna invite me in?"
A wave of deja-vu hit me. This felt a lot like when he came for the first time all those weeks ago. When we started this deal and he too bribed his way in with chocolates.
"I'm not in the mood today, Nate." I looked away. "I'm sorry."
"The mood?"
"For... you know."
He scoffed, stepping pass me and inside even if I haven't invited him in yet and made my hand slid off the knob so he could close the door behind him. We stood close from each other in my small lobby and I felt his nearness like a flame. His scent, familiar and alluring, caressed me like a spell.
"I came to see you." there was a strange emotion in the bottom of his eyes. Something that unsettled me deep within. "We need to talk."
Oh the dreadful words. Nothing good ever comes out of such a cliche sentence.
"And the chocolates?" I wondered and he rolled his eyes but handed me the bag. I actually felt a bit better when I unrolled the folded opening and bit on one of the small pieces of bonbon. "This is so good." I hummed.
"Yeah?" Nate smiled a little as I nodded but then cleared his throat an looked away. "So, what's really going on here? Because it doesn't look like you're peachy."
I shrugged, getting back into the living room and the warm spot in my couch where I'd been cuddling for the past hour. Nate followed and lingered standing for another second before taking a seat as well. His presence once more abducting. His fingers tapped over his knee as he glanced around.
Was he awkward or was he seeking for the physical evidence of what was wrong with me?
And he's come to see me. Because we needed to talk. I didn't know what to expect from it. Especially with how confusing everything was lately.
"So..." Nate spoke again as I fished another little piece of chocolate to nip, bringing my knees up, feet on the couch and curling in that comfortable cocooning position. "What is it?"
Where to start? And did I really want to tell him?
I considerate the proper answer for a couple seconds before willing my lips to part and answer him with a simple fact: "I'm having a shitty day."
"Are you?"
"More like a horrible week... or month." my shoulders slumbed. "It's just not a good moment."
"I can tell... but for any specific reason?"
Yes, that I'm a failure. And pathetic. And now also undatable and lame.
"Is this the chat you wanted to have?" I muttered, looking down at the bag but still I saw him shaking his head.
"No, it's about... something else." there was a rushed tone, almost anxious, in the way he ended that sentence, but before I could dig on it he was speaking again. "But I'll tell you later." Nate slid closer. "What's wrong?"
There was genuine concern in his voice and it was shattering like a knife in my guts. I smiled, but it felt like it only made my eyes prickled. "You remember the wedding?"
Nate remained silent for a moment, as if balancing thoroughly his next words. Because he didn't remember or to try and be gentle about it? I didn't know.
"Sure. The reason you keep going on those dates."
I nodded, blinking now because no matter that I was smiling and trying to play it down, it felt like there was something crushing my chest with every passing second. "It's in a few weeks."
There was another pause on his part and now I knew I was making him awkward.
"I'm sorry." he muttered at last.
"No." I shook my head and laughed, but it ended like a sniffle and I dropped the paper bag on the coffee table when I felt the first tears pouring stupidly. I felt stupid. And all I could do was wipe them with the back of my hand as I felt my throat closing. "D-don't say you're sorry. I don't want your pity. It only makes it worse."
"It's not pity."
"R-right." I laughed again, but once more it sounded like a cry. And it was. "I know how this looks like, okay? I know it's stupid and I'm-" I shook my head, my hands shaking so I fisted them. "I just want the freaking wedding to be over and for it all to stop."
"Then why go at all? Just cancel on them."
"It's family." but did I really believe that? Somehow, it failed to feel like a reason strong enough to go through that as the date neared. But had to be, right? "It's family," I repeated and somehow it felt like I was saying it out loud more to myself than to him. But was it working? "It's important... and I'm also not gonna let them corner me when I'd d-done nothing. I-I'm not gonna stay away just because..." just because they cheat on you and everyone there is well aware you're the one unwanted. "This is sick."
"Do you... do you still love him?" Nate asked carefully, almost as he didn't want to ask and I shook my head.
"N-no. No! It isn't like that I..." How could I even explain it? The amount of betrayal and shame. "He dated me, he was mine and she stole him. And now I had to go to the wedding? To see them making promises and build a future? To support them?" I scoffed but it ended like a sniffled and I brought my knees to my chest as a new wave of tears dropped. "And everyone knows. It's humiliating."
"Well..." for unteenth time, I could tell Nate was awkward and I hated he was seeing me like this, but I find no strength to hold back. "It's fucked up."
"You don't say!" I sobbed again with a dry chuckle. "And all my dates had been a disaster. It's way too close now, so anyone I meet now and ask to accompany me to a wedding would think I'm a freak. And Kevin just canceled me last minute for a business trip, Olly and Kimberly are away too, Elika doesn't believe in marriage and Riley is..." I groaned pulling the blanket over my head in shame. "He's Kimmy's ride or die. I'll have to go there by myself and that would be like a cherry top for Meredith." Not only she's the reason I was single but also would rub her egocentric ego to see me by myself. No. "I'm not going." I decided. "I just... I'm not."
"Come on, you say it yourself, it's important." he said and I felt him moving closer. "It's family."
"Family didn't seem to matter when they cheated on me." I shook my head under the blanket and held it tighter when Nate tried to move it out the way. "I can't go! I'll call sick."
That actually sounds like a great plan.
"It's three weeks from now."
"I won't call now, I'll wait for the day before."
"You have to go."
I have to? "Why do you even care? You don't even know him. He's manipulative, and egocentric... and she can be really nasty."
"Hailey," Nate sighed. "You'll regret it if you don't go."
"I doubt it. I know the future me will be understanding."
"Come on, I'll go with you."
My pulse stopped and this time I did push down the duvet, metting his eyes again. "W-what?"
Nate looked surprised too by his own proposition, but he blinked it away and repeated: "I'll go with you."
"You-" My heart did that complicated twist and I sat a little straighter. "You would do that?"
Go with me? To the wedding?
Nate nodded and I wiped the moisture under my eyes. There was a burning fire in the pit of my stomach and this time it wasn't all bad. Actually, it was enticingly alluring.
Nate and Marco in the same room. That was a scenario I would have never contemplated. And to be honest... it scared me a bit.
"You can't." I sniffled and he frowned. I explained further: "You're my ex too, remember? They know you... My mother does. And my brothers. You've seen how Shane is? Well, Matt won't be that kind."
He shifted in the spot. "We're all grown up now. And it's a wedding. I'm sure they'll be hating your other ex a lot more than me."
I wasn't that sure about that. Marco had been awful to me and this whole wedding was beyond cruel, but Nate broke my heart and my brothers witnessed it.
"Also about that." Nate said brushing his hair and neck. "We need to talk about... uh, that."
"About what?"
"About your brother hating me..." he sighed and it looked like he was anxious about it. "About you hating me."
"I don't hate you."
"About our break up, Hailey."
My brows knitted together and I looked away. Shattering flashes of that day in my porch slashed through my chest like acid. I could feel my voice trembling: "You think this is the right moment to talk about that?"
"Well, no. But it never is to us."
I didn't ask you to.
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You never do." he complained and I pursed my lips. Nate sighed. "Hailey... I'm sorry. But there are things that went down and it's affecting us now. We need to talk about it."
"Why?" I pushed over the blanket and stood, unable to keep still with the anxiousness building. Talking about humiliating situations with and ex... and there comes another to add more. "There's no need to bring that up. We've been alright till now without this conversation."
"But we haven't." Nate seethed, standing as well. "We've said only physical relief, but it hadn't felt like this." I looked away thinking of last week at the bar. "We have a history and a lot of misunderstandings and if we don't address it, its going to keep building up. I just want us to be honest at last."
"Honest?" I stopped pacing after rounding the couch, feeling as if the physical obstacle between us gave me some kind of confidence. My hands pressed the upholstery of the back of it. "You want honesty? Fine."
I guess I was done tiptoeing. First Marco, now Nate. I was done playing around by their rules and taking what they gave me.
He wanted to speak freely about what we had? Alright. But maybe they he won't ever talk to me again.
"This," I gestured between us ignoring the clenching of my heart. "Has never been just physical."
Bam. I just said it. And the embarrassing truth behind it make my eyes burned again. At this point I couldn't believe there were tears left to cry, but they keep coming.
"Hailey..." Nate stepped closer but I stood straighter, grateful of the couch between us now.
"I wished it was, but I am attached to you in a way I can't comprehend." I rushed wiping under my eyes. "I d-don't know why, I just am. Maybe because I loved you once, or maybe because I'm naive like that; but I am. Ever since you've moved here, I'm aware of you. I miss you when you're away and I think about you... often. More than often. But now you don't even want me." I choked out a sob of embarrassment. "And it hurts. Okay? It hurts."
"Don't say that." he stepped closer once more, rounding the couch too and this time I let him. "Of course I want you. I think about you all the time as well. It's never been just physical for me, that was what you wanted."
"Because you wanted it too."
"No." he shook his head. "I told you. Whether I want to date you or not, that's up to me. And yet you keep assuming my dicisions on the matter."
He got to be kidding me. "I know you, Nate. I know how things end with us down that path. We're fine, we're good, then you got tired and dump me for something better." his lips parted and I raised my hands. "I know. You needed to leave. But still, that didn't mean you-"
"I didn't cheat!"
I blinked, completely taken aback by his words. So much it took me a second too long to actually find my voice again. This time the flashes were from the night, the morning, Trish answering his phone...
I looked away and felt my fingers tightening painfully around the already crumbled fabric of my oversized jersey. "Nate."
"That last night, with Trish... I didn't, Hailey. I swear."
I blinked rapidly. It was stupid how something that happened so long ago could sting so much. And that was the thing. It happened five years ago. There was no point bringing it up now. Now when I basically just told him I felt something for him other than the sexual tension.
He didn't cheat? Right. But whether he did or not it had no point over what we were discussing, did it?
I sighed. "Why does it matter now?"
"It matters because you don't trust me now."
"Well, no. I don't." I snapped. "Of course I don't. Because you had it just so easy to leave."
His eyes narrowed and yet he took another step, his gaze not dropping mine and increasing the tightening of my chest. "You think that was easy?"
"I'm not stupid. I know it was hard for you. But it was hard for me too. I know you had to leave but you didn't have to leave me. Not like that. You didn't need to blame me, or to cheat, or to make me feel like none of what we had mattered because it was just that easy for you to discharge it."
He chuckled, but it was a wry sound and he brushed his neck and hair. "You got to be kidding me if you think anything about leaving you was easy. It fucking tore me apart."
"You broke up!"
"Because I had to, Hailey! I was breaking from everything back then."
"Not from Kimmy." I blinked again, but this time tears were dropping. My heart clenching and I hated that I was bringing her into this, but it was a valid point. "You didn't break with everything, but from everything you believe disposable. Meaning me." I pushed his chest to empathize my words suddenly feeling like there no space left for me. Like he was imposing his annoyingly distracting presence and calming halo over the room. And I hated it. And loved it, but specially hated it. "That's what you all do. You have me while it's fun and dump when it isn't anymore."
That's what he did, what Justin did back in high school and even what Marco had done when Meredith came into the picture.
"It isn't like that." fought Nate, sounded hoarse and hurt somehow and again his vulnerability at my words spiked my defenses. "I didn't dispose you. Leaving you was one of the hardest thing I'd done, but I told you: I had to get better. I handled it awfully and I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry. But I swear I never cheat. I didn't leave you for something better, I leave to get better. Our break-up was on me and only on me."
I shook my head. Could I really believe that? Back in high school, his constant on and off relationship with Trish before we started had been one huge insecurity. And the fact that he ran to her every time we fight. I get it, they had this bond or whatever built over the years and the complicity of the first love, but where does that leave us?
"You thought leaving you was easy?" Nate repeated with that short laugh that sounded anything but amused. "I moved across the country, away from everything and everyone I ever knew. Away from my family, from you and I... I fucking missed you. Every single day."
"You didn't have to. If you hadn't cut me off your life like that. If you really didn't cheat-"
"I didn't."
"-If you really didn't mean for us to never contact again-"
"Hailey. I fucking didn't."
I narrowed my gaze. "That's easy for you to say now. But you had five years to make things right and you didn't until you moved here and we started this deal. A just-sex deal."
"Because you didn't want it to be anything else!"
"Oh and you did?"
"Yes!"
My heart halted and he looked away, shaking his head in frustration and messed his hair again, clearly out his comfort zone and began pacing.
"I like you." he said and my insides crumbled and melted all the more, socked and achingly pleased as his unexpected words kept pouring. "I thought it was damn obvious but apparently I hadn't been clear enough. I, uh." he groaned pinching the bridge of his nose as those words hit me like a hurricane and burned the air between us. With a deep breath through his nose, Nate organized his thoughts enough to say: "I'm fucking tangled in you and I can't even help it."
"You want to help it?"
He glared at me and my mouth felt dry but I was too dense in the sensations of everything else to notice one more. His words kept echoing in my head.
I like you I like you I like you-
There was a new determination in his demeanor.
"What I want is some fucking honesty for once." Nate stated.
He'd said that before, right? It was like my mind was spinning with everything we've said in the past few minutes. And Nate was looking at me... he was giving me that smoldering look and my toes curled.
"Nate-"
"I know it's mainly my fault, and you've been clear, so I'll go now." he stepped closer again and if his presence was noticeable before now it was unavoidable. I was fully aware of his every move, of every line in his expression, of every golden speckle in his deep green eyes. "I loved you. So freaking much our break-up was like losing a part of me. I didn't want to leave you, but I needed to in order to fix myself. When it comes to you, it's like every other girl cease to exist around. You are the only one that's ever owned me like this and it's fucking frustrating and scary. So no, I never cheated. I only want you. And I'd been trying to get back in your life since I came back, but you only wanted it to be physical, so here we are."
Here we are.
I like you.
I only want you.
You only wanted it to be physical.
I like you-
"Where is 'here'?" I wondered lowly, shakily, and it almost felt like my head was filled with cotton.
He liked me. Not want me, not desire me... he liked me. As if something more. He'd said he wanted something more. He'd been jealous over my dates.
Nate tilted his head at my question. "Where is it to you?"
I like you.
"B-but you don't want to get with me anymore." I felt vulnerable all of the sudden. Like all the anger and all my doubts had mixed and left me confused and altered. "You're always turning me down... I'm- I'm confused."
"You said it yourself," he said softly then. "The just physical never worked for us. It didn't back then, and it won't now. It hasn't so far. This is how we started."
I almost smiled at the melancholy of the sudden memory. Mixed with strange emotions once evoked now that he had claimed so firmly I had the event all mixed up. How we started... Where we really doing this?
Apparently yes.
"Our just kissing deal." I whispered. To get rid of the tension, to have fun and just live a little. It felt almost laughable to remember who we were back then. It felt like a lifeline ago. Nate's hand took the hem of my oversized jersey and tugged me a step closer, his knuckles brushing the sensitive skin under my belly button and creating flutters everywhere. His eyes sparkled. "With the star quarterback..." I did smiled a little at that. Swallowed in the memories I found my fingerpath tracing the light stubble across his jawline. "You know how big of a deal it was to get you to notice me?"
"Come on, like you were that hard to notice. Councelor's perfect, responsible daughter. Always playing by the rules."
"Until you."
"Yeah, until me." he hummed and his hand reached out to brush the stray strands falling over my forehead. "But sneaking me in and partying from time to time hardly counts as playing rebel."
His other hand had slid to my back without me even noticing and I was once more tangled in this pleasuring charm. Trapped in this alluring limbo. I could stay here and just let the time pass by.
I like you.
Nate tilted his head, as if sensing my thoughts. "We were quite a cliche, weren't we?" he smirked but I ignored the pang it spread in my chest.
"We were." I nodded, carefully withdrawing my hand and struggling to size the reality of the whole unfolding of this entire conversation. Was this real? Or just the sweet numbness of our recklessness talking? Of my naivety? "But this is real life. We can't hang on fantasies anymore."
"Then why can't I forget you?"
His thumb grazed sweet circled on the small of my back, but I looked away, letting the back of his fingers gently brushed the skin as he tucked the stray strands away and behind my ear. I was on the verge of another emotional drama demonstration.
Forget me.
Because he liked me.
He only wanted me.
My heart sped its rytmh and I grew goosebumps all the way down my spine. What the hell was going on?
"Hailey." Nate tipped my chin to meet my gaze again and I was swapped by those tumultuous thoughts. "I'm really sorry. For everything." His eyes flickered for a second to my lips and I was almost afraid he might kiss me and completely wreck my brain process, but he didn't. "Just talk to me."
It was almost pleading, making me weak and soft inside.
"I'm confused."
"I'm also confused." Nate rested his forehead on mine and my eyelids slid close. "You've said this isn't just physical." he muttered. "It isn't for me either."
That was good to hear. He said he didn't cheat. I wanted to believe him. It was clear breaking up was hard for him as well and I get he was in a bad place back then. I could still remember the bruises and got chills.
But did that made it alright?
Did that really fixed all the trust issues I developed? Not only because of him, but his case seriously didn't help.
I was never enough for others to stay and that idea had nested within me affecting my every relationship. To the point I'd given up starting a normative relationship. I was afraid of depending on someone and so I only sought for lighter flings. Until Nate. Because he came like a hurricane once more and just like back then turn my world upside down.
Like getting under my skin was the easiest and most natural thing for him.
My fingers clenched around the fabric on his sides, where my hands had come to rest in this close, intimate position. His scent engulfing me completely and his touch magnetic.
"I don't know what to believe." I whispered and he was so close our noses almost brushed, but it didn't feel sexual. The comfort in his nearness had a soothing effect on my soul. "I don't know what to do anymore."
His hum so close I felt its vibration in my nerves. "Let's... let's try to be friends for now."
"J-just friends?"
Could we be 'just friends'? With someone that had known me so deeply? With someone that had seen me naked? That had touched me in every way possible? Was that withdrawing even possible?
"We'd tried everything else, so why not give it a shot?"
B-but hadn't he just said he liked me?
Did this mean he didn't?
His mesmerizing eyes met mine again and my stomach fluttered at the gentle smile and emotion in there. His thumb grazed my cheek again, as if he couldn't help another touch.
"And," his head tilted, eyed bored into mine like a promise. "I'm taking you to that wedding."
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Hey! You made it! So, they've finally had a talk. What are your thoughts on it? Had they left things unsaid? Could they try to be friends? What do you think would happen next? I'm dying to read you! I hope you're loving the story so far and thanks for the incredible comments and all the support <333
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