15th December 2022
Dear Snowflake,
I'd take this kind of 'childishness' over that 'first-letter-childishness' any day.
Now what is this, Snowflake? I thought it was all forgiven and forgotten? (sighs) Let's just say I am glad I'll never have to re-read my first few letters again. It is all a fuzzy memory that I'd rather not think about. I'd suggest you burn those pages if you haven't already.
And no, you were not blabbering. I don't think I would mind even if you wrote a whole page on it. At this point in life? I could really use some insight.
You know, there is something oddly soothing about your last letter. I can't exactly pinpoint what it is but somehow, it managed to calm my nerves.
Also, I've noticed something. You seem to have a positive outlook on life. That is really admirable. Maybe in two years, I'll be just as calm and collected as you are. I hope so.
About your question...
I would be lying if I said I didn't expect you to ask this after all this time. In fact, you took longer than I thought you would ask this question. And I am going to answer it.
What I meant by these things? That might take a while to answer but I'll try to keep it as short as possible.
Buckle up. Storytime!
The story begins at July-end, with the start of the new semester.
Five months back: The last year of university started. I was pumped. Things were great. I was chosen as the captain of the Rugby team which was like the cherry on top since it helped me with my scholarship. My grades were decent, had a great circle of people around me. As I said, things were going great. I was at my highest—thought nothing could bring me down from there.
Three months back: Cue to tournament season. We won against all the other departments. I was so proud and the team had never been happier. It was an all-kill for the first time for our department. And to think that happened under my captaincy? Fills me up with joy even now.
Cue to inter-college match. The first big match was approaching. As Captain, I had to prove myself. I was high on confidence so much so that I didn't realise when it took the shape of arrogance and overconfidence. I got busier. The circle got smaller. I didn't realise this until much later though.
I had everything going for me. What could possibly go wrong? That's what I kept thinking. I was riding high after all the accomplishments and recognition I was getting.
The D-day:
In the first half of the match, I got injured. But it wasn't anything I hadn't experienced before. Barely a little twisted ankle. It can't be powerful enough to stop me from playing. It had happened before too and I had done just fine even then. We were lagging behind by two touchdowns. The pressure was insane. I was the Captain. I can't lose hope, that's what I thought. We restrategized during half-time.
In the second half of the match—we decided to go hard. No slacking was acceptable. We didn't have a second to waste. We scored a touchdown. Things were starting to look up. Just when we even them out, they scored another point. It was cut-throat. I remember the adrenaline rush. I could care less about my throbbing ankle. I didn't think about anything but winning.
We decided to go all in for the next point. Minutes were left. I still think about the way my ankle ever so slightly wobbled, hampering my speed last moment. And the next thing I know, I was chased down to the ground and everything in me was shaking. I was in so much pain that I couldn't even make out what was hurt. Was it my ankle? my leg? my head? my chest? Everything was hurting. I think I heard the match stop or was it my senses ringing? I am not sure. But I know that I blacked out not much later.
I didn't wake up until three days later. Woke up on the 13th of September and passed out again for a few more days. When finally gained consciousness, I realised we had lost the match and I had multiple fractures and a dislocated shoulder. Luckily, no life-threatening injuries. But that didn't make me feel any better. I had plasters all over my body. My right hand was in a sling. Even breathing hurt despite the painkillers.
Stayed in the hospital for two more weeks and then I was back at home. That was when it finally started to hit me. No college for the whole semester. What scared me the most was how I might not be able to face my team again. I kept thinking that maybe...maybe if I had taken better decisions, the result would have been different. Better—something that the team would've deserved.
Was it because of my selfishness that I continued to play? I can't stop thinking about this even now. Did my greed throw us to defeat? These thoughts still haunt me.
Stuck in my room, every second of the passing time seemed too much. Too heavy. Too slow. Weeks passed, the plasters were off, the sling was removed and physiotherapy started.
Trust me, Snowflake, when I say that this has to be the worst possible period of my life. The darkest of all. I almost wished I didn't make it out alive. I felt so pathetic. I felt so useless. Even thinking about it brings me so much pain like a scene so vivid I can't forget. As I am writing this, I had to take several breaks to breathe, calm myself down, and not break down. It was so hard, Snowflake. I was so so scared. It felt like everything was ruined. Everything was over.
Even now when I see my parents, I can't help but feel like a burden. They'd never tell me but I know how expensive the whole hospital and medicine bill is. They work so hard for me and here I am sitting in this room doing nothing but just adding bill after bill to the table. I hate this feeling. I hate the feeling of helplessness that comes with it. I hate it.
You asked, am I okay?
Yesterday, I had my physiotherapy session. The doctor told me I made significant progress in the last month and that they are positive that I'll be able to drive again by next month. They told me to push my walking hours little by little since the results are coming out great. My parents were so happy to hear that. I haven't seen them smile like that in such a long time.
So to answer your question: I am hopeful. Things are finally starting to look up. I can see the end of the darkness. I don't feel as scared anymore. It still hasn't gotten easy but somehow, it doesn't feel as hard as before. I might not be okay yet but lately, I have been having this feeling that I will be. Sooner than I would've imagined. And I want to cling to this feeling.
Also, don't apologize for asking the question. I know you will. But please don't. I wanted to share this. I think it was about time I let these feelings out in the open. Even when I talked to mom that day, I couldn't talk to her about this. I couldn't share how I felt during all those times. Or what I still feel about it. Not in so much detail at least. I think I needed this. I needed to share. I just couldn't bring myself to do it until today.
And you know what? It feels so good. Odd, right? But it feels so, so good. Like somebody out there will now know how I feel. And since it's you, I know you'd understand too. Something about you just makes me want to trust you, you know? I guess that is why I couldn't stop writing even though I said I'll keep it short.
Thank you for asking this, Snowflake. Now that I've written this, I realised how badly I wanted to share this. Really, thank you.
OKAY! Enough of the emotional venting. Let's move to the most fun part of the letter!
Replying to your answers to my question:
I don't think you have to really see or touch something to truly love it. I think feelings such as Love goes even beyond that so that is understandable. I am kind of envious of why I didn't think of it. I love snowflakes. I mean I love snow so that is sort of a given.I am sure they are proud of you. Your parents must be great at their jobs considering how greatly they inspired you. That's amazing.Hey, same. Mine are really dark brown though. It'll almost look like black at the distance. (I know you didn't ask but I realised that after I wrote that. Guess I got carried away.)It is a random question, yes. But it'll also help me imagine a little better, you know. Now I'll be imagining a guy sitting at his desk in a yellow room, writing a letter back to me. See? Much better. (Okay now that re-read it I'm afraid it might have sounded a bit creepy but that wasn't the intention, trust me.)Yeah, compliments...I guess you could say I'm working on it?
This is surprisingly going much better than I had imagined. The whole pen pal thing and the icebreaker thing. This wasn't a bad idea after all.
Here lie the answers to your questions:
What's the story behind my alias: Chainsaw?
That was the first thing I saw when I was on my nth attempt trying to fill the form. Before you question what I think you would, let me clear it. I was sitting in the basement which is also my father's workplace. He does carpentry stuff.
My Major?
I'm majoring in Mechanical Engineering (and minoring in economics).
Colour of my walls?
My dorm room had plain white walls but at home, it's greyish blue (more blue than grey). I don't have many decorations on it but I do have a couple of positive quote posters (which my parents picked for me) and you'll find various post-its at random places.
My most worn shirt/t-shirt?
This one is hard. Should I pick the plain black t-shit or the plain white t-shirt? I'd say it's a tie between these two.
Ta-da! Done with the first set! Now you know more about me than the neighbour next door :)
Questions for you coming up!
What is your most worn shirt/t-shirt?Mountains or Beaches? Why?What made you join this pen pal thing?Got any movie/book recommendations for me?Do you play any sport?
P.S. Your take on the movie Christmas Pen Pals. Is it stupid that I never thought of this? Yes, I still think hallmark movies are stupid but something about the way you worded it makes me want to rewatch it. How is it that we watched the same thing and yet I couldn't see it the way you did?
P.S.S. Wow, I didn't realise the letter got this long. This must have taken hours to write but somehow didn't feel like it.
Looking forward to your next letter. Hope you have a good day, Snowflake!
Signing off,
Chainsaw :)