Faye
Everything in our flat had been the way it was since we left last night for the engagement party. Nothing was missing... perhaps, except brightness.
After, I had stripped off of my red dress and put a sweater and trousers on, I closed the bedroom door behind me, walked the gloomy hallway and unclimbed the stairs, eyes puffy and red from crying and nerves all over the place.
It was too quiet downstairs which made me think that nobody was home and everyone was probably searching for me. But as I headed to the living room, I spotted my mother situated in her usual chair by the fireplace and embraced in a shawl. Her eyes were on the red, yellow and orange colors dancing on the coals but her mind seemed to be drifting somewhere beyond the wall of being aware of her surroundings.
"Mum," I called, the promise of forthcoming tears evident in my voice.
My mother neither moved nor made a sound even though I was certain she heard me and knew it was me. She would act like this whenever she was upset. She had all the right to be, like I have all the right to be blamed and guilty.
I didn't know how I could be forgiven by the people I had hurt and got all worried. But I was going to do what I ought to anyway, to say sorry. I took the few steps towards my mother, chasing a front view of her. I dropped my knees to the carpeted floor and burst into tears on her lap. "I'm sorry, mommy. I'm sorry."
It was not until a few seconds had ticked when she spoke. "Your sister told me everything." That was the first thing she said. She didn't even ask where the hell I had been.
That caused me to shoot my head up and look at her. I thought I was going to meet her eyes finally but they still were anchored to the fire. Had Eleanor told her about the most peculiar dream ever? "Why didn't you tell me there was this famous guy who sends you flowers in the studio?" She shifted her eyes to me at last.
It seemed that my sister had told her an edited story about the whole controversy. "Did you even warn him that you have a boyfriend?"
I looked away as usual. In my entire existence, I had never been able to lie to my parents whilst looking at them in the eye. I only hoped they had not discovered this habit of mine. "We were friends, mum," I said, wiping away tears and sniffing. "We've been since I was introduced to him by a friend at one of his gigs. He was very nice." I chewed my lower lip.
I was aware of her eyes squinted at me.
"I... I tried not to... fall. I have been constantly telling him to stop sending me flowers because I was not interested and that I have my boyfriend," I storied out. "But he was just so... stubborn and persistent. I-I can't-I can't-" I pretended to get all tongue-tied and shy. It seemed that my acting skills were better than I knew they were. "There was something about him that... I can't find in Kyle. Something that he gives me that the other guy never can." The words tasted true in my mouth. I met my mother's forgiving eyes.
"Did you love Kyle or did you just feel forced to marry him because of your father and I's friendship to his parents?" she questioned, raising a skeptical brow.
"Oh no, mum! No," I reacted. "I have loved him. Believe me. He was so kind to me and so was his family."
She cut our eye contact, gazing back at the fire and suddenly, her lips were on the brink of smiling. "Your lover boy reminds me of your father when we were young and still too foolish to think that it was that easy to build a family of our own."
My lips slowly lost contact of each other. Never taking my eyes off and attention away from her, I changed into a better position. I sat my bum on the floor and hugged my legs to my chest ready to hear more from her. I remembered those old winter days when Eleanor and I used to gather by the fireplace to hear stories from our mother.
She clasped her hands on her lap and took in a breath. "When I was young, I was arranged to marry someone of your grand parents' choice. So were my two older sisters, your aunts. Their husbands-your uncles-were arranged to them." She gave out a chuckle.
"What?" I expressed my shock.
"I didn't mind following that sort of trend in our family because I was never fond of boys anyway, so I know nothing about choosing the right lad for me." A shrug. "Francis was a fine man, successful in his work like Kyle. He was very nice to me. I liked him but just as someone my parents wanted me to marry. I never had special feelings for him," said she. "I have no clue what falling in love feels like... until I met your father."
I bit my smile.
"He was a bit of a jerk and didn't take things seriously like his past relationships. But when it comes to getting the things he wanted more than anything in the world, your father was the most serious man." Admiration illuminated her eyes as she stared blindly at nothing. I could tell that an episode of memories was playing in her head. It was as if a whole new universe was unfolding before her imaginative eyes that suddenly she was not on earth anymore. I couldn't reach her. "That's why he was able to finish his studies and become what he has always dreamt of being."
"That's also why he got you to marry him," I said confidently, popping my mother's bubble of daydream.
She bit her lips and dropped her eyes on her hands but that didn't help to prevent her from blushing. "Your grandparents were certainly against our relationship. Just like your Bruno, Edward was persistent and determined to have me. He was bold enough to ask for mother and father's blessings. Of course, they refused. I decided to run away with him-"
"Mother!"I exclaimed in extreme disbelief. I had never thought she'd do such a thing. She always was strict to me when it came to dating lads so there was no reason for me to think she ran away with one before.
"It was only when I gave birth to you that they finally accepted our love." She smiled at nothing. "A precious thing, when it comes into the world, erases all bitterness. That's what you did."
A warmth of gladness washed over me.
Mum leaned forward to touch my hand on my knee. "I don't have control over your heart, Faye. No one has," she said, staring straight into my eyes, concern stirring in hers. "You should've told us about it. Things wouldn't have been this complicated."
"I'm sorry, mum. I was just scared. I didn't want to hurt Kyle," I cried.
"You'd be hurting him more if you continue to hide this from him," said she. "No matter what, always follow what your heart says. Otherwise, things would only get worse. Do you understand that, love?"
I nodded fervently, tears prickling the back of my eyes again.
"You should know that your father and I will never be against whom you choose to love because we trust you," she assured but their approval meant nothing anymore for I didn't think I can ever go back to him.
"You and dad may not be against my relationship with Bruno, mum. But the rest of the world is," I sobbed, failing at controlling my tears from falling. Once again, I wound up crying on her lap.
"Oh, darling, why would you think that?" she asked, stroking my hair in a way mothers would.
"It's like every time we find our way back to each other, something happens. It's like a nightmare that won't quit chasing us."
I felt so beaten up that my whole body seemed to have shut down. I felt so broken that a good night sleep, a glass of milkshake and surprisingly, even my mother's touch could not repair me. So many promises had been made. So many heartaches had been endured. So many tears had been shed. And yet here I was, still distances away from him. Taking a step closer would mean another fracture to the heart.
And I asked the heavens, "Why?"
Were the gods playing with our hearts?
"Fate always finds a way to part us," I grieved. "It's not meant to be. It's not." By the sound of my voice, it seemed that I had already given up. Hope was slipping away from my fingertips and I was not even making any effort to stop it. Suddenly, promises were just words to me. I lost care anymore. I would just like to stay where I was, crying on my mother's lap, and drown in my own tears until my lungs gave up and I was gone forever.
This might have been how it felt like for Gabrielle Perez. Pain had narrowed her thinking that cutting herself suddenly was the best option, and made her feel alone that she befriended death.
"Do you love him?" mum asked.
With a heart that had gone through many crashing and ripping and shattering, I answered, "I do."
"Then why should you give up?"
.
The next Monday, the cold was even more blistering than the previous days. Christmas indeed was just a couple more sleeps away.
I got off the taxi and walked towards the facade of the tall office building, the breeze penetrating through my brocade coat and stinging my cheeks. I entered the familiar place and ventured for the lifts hearing whispers of my name and feeling every pair of eyes in the lobby judging every inch of my being.
Feeling my dignity had been peeled off of me, I rode the lift up to the highest floor where Kyle stayed. I marched my way to his main office but stopped as I passed her secretary's corner.
"Faye!" Ella was startled by my arrival. "You're here." Her eyes were astonished and intrigued.
I approached her corner, avoiding her judgmental stare. "Hi, Ella," I sighed and nervously tucked my hair behind my ear. "Is he there? I'd like to see him please if... that's alright," I said, my confidence quavering. It felt very strange that I was asking for permission first before walking in to his office. It had not been a thing I'd do because I used to be given special treatments whenever I visited-which had been often-since I was the boss' lady. But today, I didn't even have the right to put a foot on the ground this building was standing on after what I had done. Where did I even get the guts to come?
"One moment," Ella excused herself as she talked to her boss on the telephone.
I shifted my attention away, giving her privacy.
After a moment. "You may come in now, Faye."
I looked at her as she pressed a small sad smile. "Thank you," I mouthed and finally sauntered towards the doors, anxiety strangling my heart. As soon as my hand got in contact with the door handle, I paused and tipped my head down. Mindful of Ella's watchful glances, I closed my eyes briefly and listened to the fast beat my heart was playing. I had never been this nervous in my entire life. This was worse than being on stage and waiting for the curtains to be drawn. I inhaled deeply and opened my eyes at last to push the door open and step in.
If Kyle was Bruno, he'd be at a pub drinking himself to death. But he knew better than that. I had quite expected him to be at home though watching Marvel movies or anything that would relieve his stress, but he was at work carrying on with his life. Without me. He didn't let heartbreak slow him down.
The doors fell shut behind me. Motionless, hands jammed in his side pockets and with his back at me, he was in his typical spot by the large windows that ran from the ceiling to the floor. He stood witnessing the busy city be covered with snow.
Instead of walking down the aisle to forever with him, I walked a path of the fragments of his heart. I stood next to him and fixated my gaze as well on the world beyond the translucence of a wall. Guilt was a knife held close to my throat. I could not get it off unless I fix everything I had ruined. But can someone tell me... How do you even fix a broken heart? A broken dream? A broken promise?
I dropped my eyes on my fidgeting hands. "I know..." words finally fled my lips. "My apologies won't mend your heart..." I fumbled for more but found it difficult. My confidence was decreasing with each word I let go. "But still I... I'm sorry."
A dreadful silence engulfed us.
"Why?" he whispered at long last, eyes still frozen. "Why did we end up like this?"
I tried not to cry. I was a failure. "Kyle, I'm sorry. If only there's a way I could make it up to you-"
"I heard the superstar's ex committed suicide," he cut me off with, ignoring my words and occupying himself by pulling one hand out from his pocket to examine his fingernails the way lads would. I can tell he was in the verge of tears but he was trying to hide it behind the mask of a humorless smirk.
"Shouldn't you be with him right now?" he questioned. "Or did you have to step back for a while?" He sounded more vulnerable than bitter. He dropped his hand at his side, the other remained hidden in his pocket, and returned his stare on the view.
I gave him silence as answer because I couldn't think straight with the pain taking over me. But after a while, I finally spat, "I don't think I should be with him anymore."
Silence again. He broke it only after a minute. "In those years we've been together..." he started. I couldn't see him but I bet his face was tight with concentration as he cautiously picked the right words to say. "Never have I felt unloved by you. So if you're here to ask me to take you back..." he needed to pause as his voice began to tremble. He shut his eyes and said, "I would."
"No. Don't," my reaction was quick, guilt tightening its grip on my heart. A dry burning was in my throat. "Even if I want you to take me back, I wouldn't let you. I don't deserve your love anymore. I don't care if you think I still do."
I felt for the pocket of my brocade and fished out something from it. I held it to him.
He faced me and stared down at it, careful not to let the hurt crackle across his features. "If that's what you want," said he and took the engagement ring.
We stood face to face as he continued to speak, playing the ring in his fingers so he wouldn't have to look at me. "I don't want to waste my energy anymore asking you what it is he has that I don't," he began, lines on his forehead were appearing. "But I wish you could've told me about this a little earlier though, so I wouldn't have to look stupid in front of everybody at the party," bitterness painted his voice. Biting his lips, he kept the ring inside the pocket of his gray blazer and focused his eyes on mine. I finally saw what I needed to see. His eyes were the blue sky where dark clouds started to form. Any minute now, it will rain and he won't be able to stop it anymore. "You wish to make it up to me but the only way you could is to take that second chance with me... and you refuse."
"Because you deserve someone far more better than me," I said, tears burned in the back of my eyes. "I dreamt one night I was married and had two children. You were too, happily married but to somebody else."
"It's just a ridiculous dream." A humorless laugh.
"You won't understand. It may be ridiculous but it was not just a dream," I tried to convince but he seemed to not care as he shook his head and bent his head low. That humorless smirk still split across his face.
"I don't have to understand anything, Faye," he said. "I know your reason for refusing to start over with me... It's him, and there's nothing I could do about it." I watched how terribly broken he was, feeling my heart being ripped into two. The next thing I knew tears were falling on his black oxford shoes.
"Kyle," I breathed, worry sweetened my voice, and held his face in between my hands, trying to make him look at me.
He screwed his head up and took my hands off his face. Our eyes found each other. "At least tell me something-anything to ease the pain even just a little bit," he begged, the ache in his voice was frightening.
I gave him a long glance and us an unbearable silence before crashing it. "'Tis true what Eleanor says. I already had a crush on you even before you started asking me out," I confessed, my stare never swerving. "I used to picture... a forever with you. To marry you was what I have always wanted more than anything in the world." Tears were welling up in my eyes. I touched his cheek with my hand which he touched with his. Closing his eyes, he leaned his face on it to feel our connection one last time."...and I real wish that didn't change." A salty tear finally made its way down my cheek. I tipped my feet up and reached his forehead to peck my lips on it.
He removed my hand from his face to clasp it with his. I squeezed it affectionately and looked him in the eyes for probably the last time before turning away and walking out of his office-
walking out of his life.
.
Bruno
For the final touch, I adjusted my tie while checking myself in the mirror. Usually, when I dressed myself in a suit and tie and wore my hair in a pompadour, it would be for a performance or an awarding ceremony I need to go to. But today, I was dressed not for a glamorous event, but for a day of reflecting and saying goodbye to someone precious.
I arrived at the cemetery on a chilly afternoon when the city basin was dry but the mountains beyond it covered with snow. After minutes of leaning against my car door and waiting until there were no more people at her grave, I made my way to it, leaving Ryan inside the car. I stalked pass my sisters who were all standing at one spot a few meters away from the tombstone and was joined by Gabrielle's best friend Blake, talking.
I stopped in front of the tombstone and stared at it for what seemed like a lifetime, the wind rushing pass me. Drained of life, I was no different from this graveyard. Tears rolled down my cheeks before I knew it, the only things warm in this cold and lonesome place. I stood on the saddest spot of the earth, debris of my heart falling to the grassy ground one by one. I wanted to fall on my knees I wanted to scream I wanted to bury myself I wanted the heavens to strike me with lightning . . .
"She was family," someone spoke. It was my sister Jaime in a black dress stopping to stand beside me, hair dancing in the wind. "Before she did it, she texted me that night telling me you just broke up with her, and I didn't know what to say because I never expected this would happen. You were so in love," she said. "If only I knew what she'd do, I should've gone straight to her and tried to fix her."
I had been saying the same thing for the past few days, if only I knew if only I knew if only I knew... and it had done me no good. Words won't bring her back. Nothing will.
"Since when did you start seeing Faye Harris?" she asked.
Nervous all of a sudden, I swallowed and closed my hands into a fist. I let the wind contain the silence before opening my mouth to speak. I didn't answer her question though, instead I said, "Gabby caught us kissing at the party and she was very furious with me. I told her I was sorry and that she should just break up with me but she refused. She started trashing our hotel room and begging me not leave. So I did what she wanted and stayed."
Jaime was attentive, turned to me and with her arms crossed.
My eyes were on the grass the whole time. "I thought we were going to be okay. I thought I'd learn to forget Faye but..." I trailed off. "I don't know."
She unfolded her arms and put one around my shoulders in a sisterly way. "We're not against you and Faye, Bruno, but... I think you should wait for a while for things to, you know, calm down. Right?"
I nodded once.
"It's not your fault, brother. Don't ever think that, okay?" she assured comfortingly. "We love you." She patted my back and left.
My sister was right. She always was. I didn't know what I'd do without her especially now that ma was gone... and so was the girl who did nothing but to love me. I hoped they'd find each other in that "better place" everyone always said souls go to.
I looked at the gray sky assuming that Faye was looking at the same thing at the moment and wondering about me too. How far away did the wind blow from here to where she was? I didn't know. I just wanted to be where she was... but no one would allow it. Even the both of us wouldn't allow it.
Will I even get to be with her again? I sat on the grass and waited for God to take another blank page and start over with our story, this time writing about how we would meet at the right time, in the right place and in the right situation. I should go to her and tell her to do the same thing.
.
Author's Note: I was supposed to publish this earlier at 2am but something happened which put me in a really bad mood I just... forgive me. I must tell you that this story is coming to an end but I don't want to tell you when I'm already publishing the last chapter. I think that would be more exciting, yeah? :D
Also, I just learned that this got over 2.4k votes already. How can I ever thank you guys? I just... I love you.