Thanks to @ilovemarvel06 for the story idea and for all of you lovely and devoted readers who read and vote on my stories! It means the absolute world to me to know that I have such dedicated readers who are interested in what I have to write. Now... On to the story!
xxxx
TW: self-harm, suicide
Maya had just come home from a tough call. It was a 24-hour shift and a four-alarm fire, which meant that every fire station was being used. She was exhausted and not just from the call. Her life had been pretty chaotic since her wedding: being demoted, starting a family, not being promoted, watching someone else become the first female fire chief for the SFD, and dealing with the aftermath of her own actions.
She quietly set her bag down in her and Carina's room before going to take a shower. She felt gross but she wasn't sure if it was because of the call or if it was because she couldn't recognise herself anymore. Maybe it was both. Maya put her waterproof headphones on and started playing music while she was showering. Coincidentally it was her saddest playlist with the saddest songs. It helped for her because she could relate to these songs.
I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser
Midnights become my afternoons
When my depression works the graveyard shift
All of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room
"Why is my life like this?" She muttered as she felt the hot water hit her skin. Flinching, she started with the body wash. The small cuts on her body were screaming in agony, but she wasn't going to stop now.
The cutting started a few weeks ago. She knew it wasn't healthy, but when she saw the razor, she started and then couldn't stop. Her life was already in shambles and she didn't know how to improve it. Nobody knew about the cutting, especially not Carina. Well, not yet. Maya didn't know when she'd tell Carina, or she'd find out herself, but until then, Maya knew she didn't want to stop. It was her brain's way of showing her she was incapable of doing anything right. 'Eyes forward at all times.'
I should not be left to my own devices
They come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis
(Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving
'Cause you got tired of my scheming
(For the last time)
After her shower, Maya got changed and covered her cuts. Once she had changed, she stood in front of the mirror. All she could see was her teenage self looking back; she looked so drained, so sad, so bleak. It was as if her happiest self had floated into the sky and wouldn't ever come back.
It's me
Hi
I'm the problem, it's me
At teatime
Everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
Maya's brain was playing a game of chess with her heart, and her brain won. Again. The thoughts creeped back in. All she could hear was her dad's voice. Even her music faded from her ears. She could feel the fear of hearing her dad's voice. He made her shiver in ways she didn't think were possible. Her entire life, Maya thought that her dad just wanted what was best for her. But that wasn't true. He pushed her so hard sometimes that she couldn't feel any muscles in her body, or all of them were aching.
Sometimes I feel like everyone is a sexy baby
And I'm a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out
Slowly lurching toward your favourite city
Pierced through the heart but never killed
Did you hear my covert narcissism?
I disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman?
(Tale as old as time)
I wake up screaming from dreaming
One day I'll watch as you're leaving and life will lose all its meaning
(For the last time)
Carina had since woken up, hearing Maya muttering to herself in the bathroom. Rubbing her eyes, she turned on the bedside lamp and checked the time. 2:09am. She knew Maya must have come home from work so she picked up her book and started reading. But once she heard a 'thump' on the bathroom floor, she flew out of bed and swung the bathroom door open.
There, Maya was laying on the floor, eyes closed. Carina noticed the bandages on her arms and legs, gasping silently. She checked for a pulse and was grateful to find one. Maya looked so frail when she laid her on their bed and it was easy for Carina to move her there, which confused her. Normally it was Maya doing all the lifting. But since Maya was so frail, Carina worried. She figured that Maya was dehydrated and not eating enough, which cut a crack through her heart, but she got some water and something small for Maya to eat when she woke up again.
"C-Carina?"
Smiling softly, Carina helped Maya sit up and drink some water. "Bambina, you scared me. Are you OK?"
"Si, Carina. I don't think I hit my head."
Carina nodded, watching Maya's eyes staring straight ahead. "Maya, my love, what's wrong? I'm worried about you, bambina."
"I-I don't know," Maya answered. "I don't know if I'm okay, Carina. I don't even recognise myself anymore."
It's me
Hi
I'm the problem, it's me
At teatime
Everybody agrees
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
After some silence of both women in their own thoughts, Maya sighed. She knew something had to be said and she knew it had to be from her side, no matter how much she wanted to deny it.
"I'm not OK, Carina."
Carina was shocked. She had no idea Maya would be the first to speak. She was always the one that initiated the hard conversations. But Carina knew that this type of confession had to come from Maya herself.
"I need help," Maya stated. "I want to be better. I want to know what's going on in my head. I need to be OK for when we have a baby. I don't want to be my dad."
"You aren't your dad, bella," Carina said, holding Maya's hand and gently rubbing her back. It hurt her to see her wife this... defeated. This was a rare sight, too. "What do you need me to do?"
Maya turned and looked at Carina, tears shimmering in her eyes. With a shaky breath, she said, "Can you take me to Grey-Sloan?"
"Bambina..."
"I think I need a diagnosis. I can only do that if I'm in the psychiatric ward," Maya let out in one breath, trying not to hyperventilate. "I can feel the clouds closing in on me."
Carina nodded. She had vowed to help Maya in whatever way she needed to be helped, even if it was helping her get the right care from a professional. If she was being honest, Carina was glad that Maya saw how much help she actually needed. She remembered how scared Maya was when she first told Carina about the clouds. It was a tough conversation, but it ended up helping in the long run. Carina was able to identify the symptoms and when Maya looked like she was "in the clouds."
She had Maya pick out an outfit to wear while she made Maya something to eat. She knew it was early, but luckily, Grey-Sloan accepted patients at all times and both of them knew Maya needed to be admitted in the next few hours or she would change her mind. Carina called ahead and let Meredith know they were coming and to be discreet. This would save Maya some of the embarrassment Carina knew she would feel.
I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money
She thinks I left them in the will
The family gathers 'round and reads it
And then someone screams out
"She's laughing up at us from hell!"
Pulling into the parking lot for Grey-Sloan, Maya was quiet the entire time. She didn't know what to think. Maya had always been the tough one. She never ran away from her problems. But this wasn't running away, was it? This was something she needed to do, not just for her, but for Carina and their family.
"Can we sit here for a minute?" Maya asked, her voice wavering.
Carina nodded, taking Maya's hand in hers. "We can wait as long as you need, bambina. Meredith said to take our time."
Maya inhaled, still staring forward. Her dad's voice was creeping in, telling her how weak she was to 'get help,' but she forced it back into hibernation. She knew just how important this was and knew that whatever happened, she would have Carina by her side.
They got out of the car a few minutes later, walking hand in hand to the entrance of the building. The psych ward had built doors facing the parking lot because they realised that incoming patients didn't want any attention from the front lobby.
Maya played with the hems of the sweater she had picked out. It was a black Grey-Sloan sweater that belonged to Carina, but she needed something with her to remind her why she needed to come home.
"Are you ready, bambina?" Carina asked, stopping by the door. "I can come with you, if you want."
Maya nodded. Carina opened the door and helped Maya check in with a worker. She filled out all the necessary paperwork, using her free hand to hold Carina's hand, before handing it over to Meredith. She didn't want to let go of Carina.
"OK, Maya, it's time," Meredith said gently. She had gotten Maya the best room with a window and told Carina that she would update her on Maya's progress the entire time, as an exception. "Are you ready?"
"Carina," Maya said, pulling out a piece of paper from her pocket. She had written it before coming home that morning, just in case. She handed the letter to Carina "Can you hold onto my ring, please?"
Carina sniffled, watching as Maya removed her wedding ring. She knew why Maya was taking it off, but it still hurt a little to watch. "Please, please, bambina, come back to me."
"I'll always come back to you, my love. Always," she cried as she kissed Carina. Then she turned and followed Meredith through the confidential doors that Carina couldn't cross.
It's me
Hi
I'm the problem, it's me
It's me
Hi
I'm the problem, it's me
A month later, Maya was sitting in the common room. It was visit day in the psych ward, which meant Carina could finally come and visit her. They hadn't seen each other in a month and Maya was hoping Carina would show up. True to her word, Meredith had kept Carina up to date with Maya's progress as much as she could without violating HIPPA rules.
"Maya, bambina," Carina said, relieved to see Maya looking out the window. She took in her wife, who seemed to be doing better. "You look magnifico, bella."
Maya blushed. Even after three and a half years together, anything Carina said in Italian made Maya blush. But it was a good thing. And it was good to see Carina again. "I feel magnifico, Carina."
"So... Has Doctor Howard been helpful?"
"Yes, very," Maya replied. Doctor Howard had been her psychiatrist since the first day she arrived and they bonded surprisingly well. Maya found it easy to open up to her and they had quite a bit in common. "She's provided me with a diagnosis."
Carina nodded, looking at Maya to continue the conversation. She was just here for support and to make sure Maya was getting the help she needs.
"I have borderline personality disorder," Maya said, playing with her fingers. "It's a disorder that makes it hard for me to regulate my emotions."
"What has she suggested?"
Maya pulled out a piece of paper. It was a list of what Doctor Howard wanted Maya to discuss with Carina when she came. "Weekly talk-therapy here at Grey-Sloan. She would also like to put me on medications for depression and anxiety."
"What kinds of medications?"
"She's recommended Lexapro or Zoloft for depression and Xanax for anxiety."
Carina nodded. These were normal recommendations for someone at Maya's stage. "I think those are good suggestions. Maybe we try Zoloft first? If that doesn't work, we can switch to Lexapro."
"Thank you, for helping," Maya said, writing down Carina's suggestions. She was just happy to see Carina again. It had been a long month.
It's me
Hi
Everybody agrees
Everybody agrees
"Welcome home, bambina," Carina said, helping Maya back into the house. After another month, Doctor Howard cleared Maya to come home as long as she kept up with her regiment and listened to Carina's advice.
Maya let out a breath and sat down on their sofa, setting her bag down next to her. After Carina got them something to drink, they looked through the pamphlets Maya brought home. Doctor Howard had Maya bring them back so they could look through it and Maya's peers and co-workers could help Maya in case she had any panic attacks at work or needed someone to talk to.
"I'm so glad you're home, bambina. How do you feel?"
"I feel... happy. I think being there was good for me. Thank you."
Carina smiled. "Of course, Maya. I'm always here. Which reminds me," she said, taking Maya's wedding ring off of her finger and sliding it back on Maya's ring finger. "This belongs to you."
"Back where it belongs," Maya grinned, kissing Carina. "Ti amo tanto, Carina. Sei la mia persona preferita." (I love you so much, Carina. You are my favourite person)
"How do you feel about continuing to start our family?"
Maya looked at Carina. "Are you pregnant?" They had been trying since before Maya went to the psych ward but agreed to stop.
"Yes," Carina mumbled. She didn't know how Maya would take the news. She wanted to surprise Maya with the news when she got out.
"Oh, my love, what's wrong? Aren't you happy?"
Carina smiled softly. "Of course I am, bambina. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. Are you OK with this?"
"I couldn't be happier," Maya said, kissing Carina on the forehead. She was finally in a good place and was proud of her progress.
It's me
Hi (Hi)
I'm the problem, it's me
(I'm the problem, it's me)
At teatime (Time)
Everybody agrees
(Everybody agrees)
It wasn't easy to get back into a routine, but Maya was grateful to have Carina on her side. They weathered the storms together and Maya was able to control her diagnoses and still be there for Carina every step of the pregnancy. Even when she was promoted back to Captain, Maya still made all the time in the world for her wife. And yes, Maya is captain of Station 19 again. Beckett was caught drinking on the job and with all the hard work Maya had put in the past eight months, it was only fair for Chief Ross to promote her back to captain. But Maya changed the way she did things this time around. Andy was her favourite lieutenant and would fill in for Maya on the days she had therapy or just needed a break. Carina was proud of how far Maya came. She went from pushing herself too hard to finally understanding that even she needs a break sometimes. Maya was still aiming to become battalion chief of the station, but that would come with time and patience, which she now had more of.
I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
"She's gorgeous, Carina. She looks just like you," Maya fawned as she held her daughter for the first time. Maya was so worried she'd drop her, but with Carina by her side, she knew she wouldn't. "Our little Eliza."
"Si, bella, motherhood looks perfetta (perfect) on you," Carina smiled. She watched Maya holding their daughter in her arms and felt herself fall in love with Maya all over again. Carina never had any doubts about Maya becoming a mother. "So, what have you learned so far?"
Maya sighed, watching their daughter yawn. "I am not my father. I am not broken, well, not anymore. I am so lucky and grateful; my life would be incomplete without you and Eliza."
"Are you forgetting something, bambina?" Carina asked expectantly.
"I'm not the anti-hero. I never was."
A/N:
Sorry this one was a little shorter than most; I wanted to write this story right away. I can't believe Taylor has literally written an entire song for Maya.
Let me know if you have any other suggestions!
Love,
Scout <3