Chapter 47
I buried my face against his chest, my shoulders shuddering from sobbing.
"S-Sabi mo, pagod ka na," nanghihinang bulong ko.
Naramdaman ko ang pag-iling niya. Humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin na para bang takot na takot siyang mawala ako. His heart was pounding hard, and I could feel his chest heaving with each breath.
"No'ng nakapagpahinga ako, ikaw pa rin ang hinahanap ko."
Nanikip ang dibdib ko sa narinig na pag-iingat sa tinig niya. He said it softly, as if he didn't want his words to break me.
"No'ng nakapagpahinga ako . . . ikaw pa rin ang mahal ko."
Muling umagos ang luha ko. This time, I knew it was because of happiness. Tuluyang tinangay ng hangin ang mga agam-agam ko. Ang kaba, ang hiya, ang takot, ang sakit. All of them vanished into thin air because of the assurance that he was still in love with me.
Ang dami kong gustong itanong, sabihin, ikwento . . . pero lahat 'yon, walang-wala sa kagustuhan kong manatili kaming malapit sa isa't isa. I wanted to feel his warmth, knowing how its comfort would soothe the shattered pieces of my heart. I wanted to feel a sense of his safety, knowing that he would be by my side no matter what.
"I-I'm sorry for everything." His voice cracked. "I'm so, so sorry for leaving you . . . for giving up on us . . . I'm sorry for not being with you when you're going through something. I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry, Amari . . . I'm sorry for always failing you. I'm sor—"
"Shh . . ." I cut him off.
Bahagya akong lumayo sa kanya para makita ko ang mukha niya. The tears were streaming down both of our faces, and I couldn't help but be grateful that no one else had ever seen this vulnerable side of him.
"Ang dami ko ring pagkukulang sa 'yo," I told him. "Ang dami kong nasabi at nagawang hindi tama." I cracked a faint smile, feeling the relief in my chest. "Sorry din . . ."
I reached for his face and wiped it gently. Malamlam ang mga mata niya, taliwas sa matalim na tingin niya kanina sa akin.
"We have to make up for the years we've lost, Zamora . . ." I said. "I have you locked up now."
Hindi ko alam kung gaano kami katagal na magkayakap. Aside from the times we cuddled in bed, it was the longest hug I'd ever gotten. The wounds that had turned into scars were kissed by the way he held me. The exhaustion I thought would never go away with rest was cradled by the way we found each other again.
Inalala ko lahat ng nangyari sa amin. Mula sa pagtatalo sa klase, sa hulihan ng tingin dahil magkatapat lang ang silya namin, sa pagiging magkapartner sa school activities at thesis, sa ligawan at tampuhan, sa mga simpleng date, sa pagtatapos nang sabay, sa pangangarap nang magkasama, hanggang sa matatalas na salitang nabitawan sa isa't isa.
Still, despite our flaws, the love we had for each other remained unwavering and soothing. Malayo na ang narating namin at marami na rin kaming nakilala. He could've been in a relationship with another girl and built a future with her . . . but he was here, not breaking his promise of waiting for me until the time was right.
"Magpapahatid ka pa?" tanong niya.
We were now facing the property he had just bought. He was behind me, and both of his arms were on my sides, trapping me in them.
I bit my lower lip to suppress a smile. I liked our position. I liked his question. I liked everything we had now.
Humilig ako sa dibdib niya at bahagyang humawak sa braso niya. My Zamora was working out for sure. He had tight muscles in all the right places. Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay ang liit-liit ko kapag kasama siya . . . kahit pa sakto lang naman ang tangkad ko para sa edad ko.
I poked his biceps.
"Kaya mo pang mag-drive?" I asked, slightly hoping he'd say no.
I felt his chest quiver as a deep, low chuckle came out of his mouth.
"Hindi na, eh." There was humor in his tone.
Dahan-dahan akong tumango, pinipigilan pa rin ang pag-alpas ng ngiti. My heart sounded like it was about to burst from the excitement and happiness I was feeling.
"Okay . . ."
Muli siyang tumawa. Ang brasong hawak ko ay ginamit niya para higitin ako palapit sa kanya. Bahagya akong napaigik.
He leaned in close, and before I could even react, I felt his lips gently brush across the side of my neck. His sharp nose grazed against my collarbone, and his breath tickled my flesh.
Nag-init ang mukha ko. "Hey . . ."
Hindi niya ako pinansin kaya wala akong nagawa kung hindi damhin ang lapit namin. His touch had me intoxicated . . . hypnotized. Nakatuon pa rin ang isa niyang kamay sa gilid ko, tila ba sinusuportahan niya ang bigat niya. Tumama ang salamin niya sa panga ko, at halos bumigay ang tuhod ko nang muli niyang patakan ng halik ang leeg ko.
"You sure you'll sleep here?"
The sound of his baritone shook me to my core. Mula sa mata ko ay bumaba ang tingin niya papunta sa ilong at labi ko. Nakakalasing ang paraan ng pagtingin niya roon. It seemed like he was being enticed and lured in.
"Yeah . . . but I don't have extra clothes," halos ibulong ko ang mga salita sa hangin.
Parang hindi niya naintindihan ang sinabi ko. I felt him pull me gently by the waist again, closer this time, as he leaned forward and gave me a swift kiss on the lips.
"I still have the dress nanay gave you," aniya habang nakatingin pa rin sa labi ko. "And as for your underwear, I'll look for my smallest boxer . . ."
Hindi ako makapag-focus. He spoke to me in a deep, hushed voice, yet his gaze on my lips was filled with a piercing desire.
I swallowed hard before pulling him close by the collar. Itinagilid ko ang ulo at agad na ipinikit ang mata nang magtama ang labi namin. His body tensed up a little, but I didn't care. I just kissed him softly, showing all the care and love I could muster. Dahan-dahang naalis ang kamay niya sa baywang ko at naramdaman ko na lang na isinasandal niya ako sa barandilya.
He was unresponsive, so I stopped. Nagmulat ako bago bahagyang lumayo sa kanya. Both of his arms were pinning me against the railings, so there wasn't much space between us. Madilim ang mata niya nang tanggalin ang salamin ko at ganoon din ang ginawa niya sa kanya.
Ipinaling ko ang ulo sa kamay niya kung saan niya hawak ang mga salamin namin. He had them in one hand while still trapping me between the railings.
"Do your thing again, Mendoza."
Pagharap na pagharap ko sa kanya ay agad niya akong sinalubong ng halik. I was so surprised that I let out a gasp, but all he did was use that as a chance to deepen the kiss. Napapikit ako kasabay ng pagkapit ko sa braso niya habang ang isa ko pang kamay ay nakapatong lang sa dibdib niya.
Unlike mine, he didn't waste his time giving me soft kisses. He started off in an intense and penetrating manner. Kinagat niya ang pang-ibabang labi ko at pinaglaruan ang aking dila, dahilan para maghari sa paligid ang banayad ngunit senswal na tunog ng paghahalikan namin. The feeling of his mouth parting my shivering lips sent pulses through my senses and triggered a twinge of excitement I had never felt for so long.
Ramdam ko sa palad ko ang pagkarera ng dibdib niya. Instinctively, my hands found their way to his nape, pulling him in closer, begging him to make the most of our kiss. Naramdaman ko ang pag-iinit ng katawan ko sa tunog ng mahinang halinghing niya. I imitated the motion of his lips toward mine to express how long I'd been pining for him.
"You have to stop kissing me," he panted as he buried his face in my neck, planting soft and wet smooches there.
I was gasping for air, catching my breath. I felt hot all over, and I didn't think I could get enough of him.
"If I don't?" I asked.
Tumaas ang halik niya sa panga ko. Gaya ko, mabigat din ang mga paghinga niya.
"I don't want to break my long promise to you just hours after we made up," bulong niya. "If we don't stop now, I might lose control . . ."
Bumaba ang tingin ko sa pantalon niya at lalong nag-init ang katawan ko nang makita ang . . . senyales . . . niya.
"You're . . ." Ngumuso ako, hindi mapagpatuloy ang sasabihin.
"What?"
Lumunok ako nang muli kong naramdaman ang labi niya sa leeg ko. He was biting a sensitive part of it like he knew it would make me want more of him.
"Hard?" he whispered, his voice sensual. "You showed up here really pretty and hot . . . hindi ka na dapat nagugulat."
I let go of my inhibitions. I didn't really care about his promise because I was sure of loving only him.
Akmang hahalikan ko na ulit siya nang makarinig kami ng mahihinang katok sa pinto. Sabay pa kaming napatingin doon.
"Kuya?"
"Fuck . . ." bulong niya.
Nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi bago dahan-dahang ibinaba ang kamay sa dibdib niya. I pushed him a little, but he didn't budge.
"Hayaan mo siya. Let them think I'm already asleep."
He leaned in again, ready to kiss me, when the soft knocks persisted.
"Kuya . . ."
Muli siyang napamura.
"Nathaniel, sa balcony mo nga tawagin. Bukas pa ang ilaw, eh. Imposibleng tulog na 'yon."
I pursed my lips to keep myself from chuckling. Pakiramdam ko ay nabitin ako, pero mas lamang sa akin ang aliw sa reaksyon ni Leon.
"Sige na. Puntahan mo na muna. Baka importante."
Kitang-kita ko ang pag-aatubili sa mukha niya. I pushed him again, and he rolled his eyes as he finally gave in. Isinuot niya sa akin ang salamin ko bago niya isinuot ang kanya.
Inayos ko ang sarili nang pumasok kami sa loob. Umupo muna ako sa couch para pilit na kalmahin ang nagwawala ko pa ring dibdib. Pakiramdam ko ay pulang-pula ang mukha ko sa nangyari. I finger-combed my hair over and over again, feeling a little shy about how aggressive I was.
"Ano?"
Yumuko ako para itago ang ngisi sa narinig na pagsusungit sa boses ni Leon nang pagbuksan ang mga kapatid.
"Naiwan namin ang gamit namin d'yan sa loob. Eh . . . nasa bag 'yong cellphone."
It was Nathaniel's slurred voice. Halata mong may tama na.
"Hindi ba puwedeng mamaya? Madaling araw na, ah?" sermon ni Leon.
"Sorry, kuya—"
"Kaninong sapatos 'to?" putol ni Nathaniel kay Nash. "Kay Ate Amari ba?"
I heard a few noises.
"Ate? Nand'yan ka pa? Ba't hindi ka pa umuuwi? May ginagawa ba kay—"
Tinakpan ko ang bibig para hindi nila marinig ang pagtawa ko dahil sa pagsasarado ni Leon ng pinto.
"Maghintay kayo d'yan. Ako na ang kukuha ng gamit n'yo," masungit na sabi pa nito.
"Nand'yan nga si Ate Amari, kuya?" tanong ni Nash.
Humalakhak si Nathaniel. "Malamang! Ito ang suot kanina no'n, eh. Talagang hindi pinauwi!"
"Tanga ka. 'Wag kang maingay. Baka natutulog na."
"Nako, gumising ka, ate! Gumawa na kayo ng pamangkin namin!"
Binuksan ulit ni Leon ang pinto at pinanood ko kung paanong iniitsa niya ang bag ng kambal sa labas. Magkasalubong ang kilay niya at iritableng-iritable sa mga kapatid.
"Umalis na kayo. Hindi ko na kayo ihahatid. At kapag bumalik pa kayo, hinding-hindi ko na kayo pagbubuksan."
Hindi pa nakakasagot ang dalawa ay muli na niyang isinarado ang pinto. Naglakad siya palapit sa akin nang nakakunot ang noo kaya hindi maalis-alis ang ngiti sa labi ko.
"Good night, kuya! Good night, ate!" sigaw ni Nathaniel.
"Huling inom mo na 'to. Patay ka kay kuya bukas . . ."
Nagbuntong-hininga si Leon.
"I'm sorry about that."
I chuckled. "They're cute."
Umiling siya, salubong pa rin ang kilay. "Not in my eyes."
Natatawang tumayo ako. I looked at the attic before returning my gaze to him.
"'Yong damit . . ." I said. "Maliligo muna ako."
He sighed again, showing a bit of reluctance. Tumitig siya sa akin bago muling napabuga ng hangin. He went to his closet and got the blue and red floral dusters that Tita Leah had given me before. Napagkasunduan naming iwan na lang iyon noon sa bahay nila kung sakali mang may mga pagkakataon na sa kanila ako matutulog. Nakakatuwa lang na kahit ilang taon na ang nagdaan ay nandito pa rin iyon.
"Which one do you want?" he asked.
Ngumiti ako. "Blue."
He grinned slightly before returning the red duster to the closet. He then took the smallest boxer he had, as well as a white towel, and walked over to me.
Nagkatitigan kami at bahagya akong nailing doon. Hindi ko alam. Parang panaginip lang ang lahat at sa oras na magising ako ay mawawala siya sa harap ko. We had been through so much already that I didn't think we would ever be together again.
Sa pagkislap ng mga mata niya ay alam kong iisa ang nasa isip namin. My mind was at ease, and my heart felt as if it understood that everything had been put back where it belonged.
"Maliligo na 'ko . . ." pagpapaalam ko.
Isang beses lang siyang tumango. Kinuha ko sa kanya ang mga gamit at tahimik na lumabas ng bahay. Nasa maliit na cabin kasi sa tabi nito ang banyo niya.
I walked into the cabin and was stunned by what I saw inside. It had a walk-in shower with glass walls and a soaker tub underneath. Off to one side was a sink with a mirror above it, and only a meter or so away was the toilet.
Hindi ko na pinatagal ang pagmamasid. I started showering with all of Leon's products, making me smell like him. Napapangiti ako habang sinasabon ang katawan dahil pakiramdam ko ay dumidikit ang amoy niya sa akin. Hindi na ako nag-abalang magbasa ng buhok para hindi ako mahirapang patuyuin iyon. Leon also had a spare toothbrush, so I didn't have any trouble getting myself clean.
When I finished, I went back inside the house. Si Leon naman ang nagpaalam para makapaligo rin.
I looked at his clock and realized that it was almost 3 in the morning. Kadalasan ay tulog na ako nang ganitong oras pero ngayon ay wala sa hinagap ko ang antok. Umakyat na ako sa attic at inihanda ang tutulugan namin . . . kahit pa malinis naman iyon. For some reason, the thought of falling asleep next to Leon again had me smiling from ear to ear.
Nahiga ako sa kaliwang bahagi ng kama. My cheeks were flushed from the kiss we had shared. Hindi pa nakatulong na kahit ang mga punda ng unan at comforter ay kaamoy niya.
It wasn't long before he climbed into the attic too. Humiga siya sa tabi ko at awtomatiko ang paghigit niya sa akin para yumakap. I cuddled up to him, using his arm as a pillow as he spooned me on his chest. Naramdaman ko pa ang banayad na paghalik niya sa tuktok ng ulo ko.
"Sleep now. We'll have a lot to talk about later."
And so I did. I closed my eyes and silently thanked God for giving me the chance to be with Leon again.
Magtatanghali na nang magising ako. Amoy ko ang niluluto ni Leon sa baba kaya sumilip ako roon at nakita nga siyang nasa kusina na. The sun was streaming in through the glass door of his balcony, lighting up practically half of his house as he was listening to soothing, classical instrumental music.
Nakaayos na rin ang mesa. The dishes and utensils were already there. Para bang kakain na lang ako kapag bumangon na ako.
Inayos ko muna ang kama namin bago bumaba. Narinig niya naman ako dahil agad ang pagbaling niya sa akin. I approached him and kissed him on the cheek before greeting him good morning. Ganoon din naman ang ginawa niya. Hinalikan niya ang noo ko at pinapunta na sa mesa para doon maghintay ng umagahan namin.
Needless to say, it was a peaceful breakfast. He said he would take me home afterward so I could get some clothes for him to wear in the treehouse. Magdadala rin siya ng gamit sa pad ko para kapag doon naman siya natulog ay may pamalit din siya. We didn't question it because we'd already lived under the same roof before. Mas sanay kami sa ganoong set-up. Lalo ngayong ang dami naming na-miss sa buhay ng isa't isa.
"Why didn't you tell me that you didn't work for my parents?" tanong ko.
I knew that his reason no longer mattered to me, but I still wanted to know what it was. Kung nalaman ko agad na wala siyang koneksyon kina Percy at Valeen ay baka hindi ako nagdalawang-isip na makipagbalikan sa kanya.
Nagbuntong-hininga siya. Magkatapat kami at kitang-kita ko sa mga mata niya ang sinseridad.
"I still consider it. Hindi ko nga ginawa . . . pero inisip ko pa rin." He shook his head. "It doesn't make it less of a mistake."
I pursed my lips. "Kahit na. At least, hindi mo ginawa . . . o kung totoo mang ginawa mo, maiintindihan ko na. You needed it before. I was just too hurt to understand you."
"People who hurt you don't deserve your understanding, Amari," he said. "Just because you're in a relationship with me doesn't mean you have to rationalize my mistakes. Mali ako kahit ano pang rason ko . . . and I only realized it when you broke up with me."
"ABC model of psychology . . ." I gave him a small smile. "When we're in pain, we tend to act differently, and I can never blame you for that. Mahal mo ang pamilya mo, at no'ng mga oras na 'yon, ayun lang ang nakita mong paraan para tulungan sila."
He reached for my hand and gently kissed it.
"Sorry . . ." bulong niya. "I'm sorry for leaving you. I'm sorry for not paying back the money you had given my family."
His chest heaved.
"No'ng unang beses na sumweldo ako, itinabi ko na 'yong pambayad ko sa 'yo. Hindi ko lang alam kung paano ko iaabot . . . o kung paano ko sasabihin sa 'yo nang hindi ipinapaliwanag lahat," pagpapatuloy niya. "I left you alone and penniless, Amari, and it hurt me because there was nothing I could do about it. Gustuhin ko mang balikan ka sa Italy . . ." Umiling siya. "Wala pa akong pera at kailangan ako ni nanay at ng mga kapatid ko."
Something clenched at my heart. Sa totoo lang ay hindi ko na naisip ang perang ipinadala ko sa kanya nang iwan niya ako. Hindi ko kailanman kinwenta ang tulong na naibigay ko sa kanya dahil mahal ko siya . . . at napakalaking tulong din naman ang naibigay niya sa akin noon. We loved each other so much that we didn't need to count up who gave more.
"Kaya sinabi mong kalimutan kita?"
He nodded slowly. "Kasi . . . wala kang mapapala sa 'kin. You have a bright future ahead of you. I don't want you to be tied down to someone with a lot of baggage. Malayo ang mararating mo . . . hindi ko kayang higitin ka pababa kasama 'ko."
His voice was full of pain, and the way he firmly held my hand told me that he was still thinking about it.
"When I learned that you earned your master's degree . . ." His lips trembled a bit as he kissed my hand again. "Proud na proud ako. Gusto kong isigaw sa lahat na ako 'yong kasama mong nangarap . . . at sa unang pagkakataon, nasabi ko sa sarili ko na tama lang 'yong ginawa kong paglayo sa 'yo."
I bowed and focused on my plate, thinking about everything I'd gone through without him.
"You didn't reach out to me during those years . . ."
"I'm undeserving of you, Amari. Wala akong lakas ng loob para kausapin ka," agap niya. "You were far up there while I was still struggling to make ends meet. No'ng ibinalitang ikakasal sina Karsen at Kobe, nasa isip ko, sana hindi ka umuwi . . . kasi kapag nakita kita ulit, baka kumapal 'yong mukha ko . . ." He chuckled lowly. "And it really did happen."
"Struggling to make ends meet," I echoed as I looked back at him. "But most of your clothes are branded and you have a car."
"Sinabi ko naman sa 'yo, 'di ba? Hulugan lang 'yon, pero fully paid na ngayon." Ibinaba niya ang kamay ko pero hawak niya pa rin iyon. "At hindi lahat ng damit ko ay branded. I still go to thrift stores sometimes. Isinusuot ko lang 'yong mga mamahalin kapag alam kong makikita kita . . . o kapag pupunta ako sa library."
Nag-init ang mukha ko sa narinig. So, he'd been dressing up for me? That's . . . cute.
"Nag-invest din ako noon sa stock market. Inaral ko para may passive income ako. It went up so much last year that I could afford to buy the land outside. Matagal ko nang minamata 'yon. Bukod sa gusto kong i-extend ang plantation ni nanay, puwede ring magtayo ng bahay roon para sa magiging pamilya ko."
"May treehouse na, ah?"
Tumingin siya sa paligid. "It only has one bedroom. Walang matutulugan ang mga magiging anak natin kapag nagkataon."
Bahagyang namilog ang mga mata ko. "Mga?"
He looked back at me and nodded. "I want three children, but of course, you get to decide in the end. It's your body after all."
Napatawa ako. "So, you're already preparing even though you don't know what might happen? Paano kung hindi tayo nagkabalikan?"
"Edi para sa mga kapatid ko. I'll just expand the plantation and make a living for them." Tumawa rin siya. "It's you or no one for me, Amari. Gaya mo, ayoko na ring magmahal ng iba."
We talked a lot more that day. Sinabi ko sa kanya ang pag-aaral at ang pagtatrabaho ko ulit sa PAI dahil nagpaplano ang kompanya na magtayo ng branch sa Pilipinas. He asked me about the books I was reading and some other random stuff. Tinanong ko rin siya tungkol sa master's degree niya at nalaman kong kasalukuyan niyang inaasikaso ang dissertation niya. Kasabay pa ng pagiging businessman dahil marami na rin siyang kausap na papakyaw ng mga pananim sa plantation ay ang pagpapart-time niya pa sa VDMH bilang psychometrician. He resigned as a chief human resources officer because he couldn't do everything at once.
Hindi man malaking-malaki ang lupa ni Tita Leah ay sapat na iyon para maging stable ang income niya. He surely was a smart guy who could make a living out of a small thing.
Kapag kasi may bakanteng oras ay umaakyat siya sa Benguet para mag-angkat ng mga gulay na ibinebenta niya naman sa mga tindera sa palengke. May iba pa na siya na ang ginagawang direct supplier. Minsan ay si Nash ang nakakatulong niya sa pagkausap sa mga kliyente o pagbebenta, lalo kapag may pasok siya sa graduate school o may trabaho sa VDMH. Mukha namang interesado roon ang nakababatang kapatid. Si Nathaniel kasi ay magtutuloy ng pag-aaral at balak talaga nitong mag-diretso sa pagdo-doctor.
I realized that nothing had pretty much changed in our lives. We were still busy. Lalo na siya. Hindi ko nga alam kung paano niya napagkakasya ang dalawampu't apat na oras sa isang araw sa dami ng ginagawa niya. He also told me he'd hire farmers to help him with the plantation, especially after the expansion. Hindi naman kasi kaya nang mag-isa lang siya.
Tatlong linggo akong naglagi sa treehouse niya. Tuwing umaga, tinutulungan ko siyang suriin ang taniman at tuwing gabi, magkasama kaming nag-aaral sa attic. Dahil work from home ang setting ng trabaho ko ay hindi ako umaalis sa bahay niya. Minsan, pinapanood ko lang siya sa balcony habang ginagawa niya ang trabaho niya sa plantation o hihintayin na lang siyang makauwi kung may schedule naman siya sa VDMH. Kapag kailangan kong mag-report sa school ay inihahatid niya ako at sinusundo rin.
"You're ready?" he asked while looking at me.
I nodded before standing. "Upo ka rito. I'll dry your hair."
Tumalima naman siya. We turned toward the mirror, and I started combing his hair as I dried it with my blower. Titig na titig lang siya sa akin habang ginagawa iyon.
"What?" natatawang tanong ko.
"Your lips are naturally red," he commented. "Ang ganda."
I pouted. "Nilagyan ko na ng lipstick 'yan."
Umiling siya. "Kahit no'ng college. Pula na talaga ang labi mo kahit wala kang inilalagay."
"Ba't mo tinitingnan?" Pinandilatan ko siya.
Napangisi siya. "They're full and kissable. I can't help it."
Pabiro ko lang siyang inirapan. We would go see Tita Leah at her new home today and spend the whole morning with her. Pagkatapos noon ay uuwi kami sa pad ko para doon maglagi ng ilang linggo. It would be my first time seeing Tita Leah after such a long time. Wala pa man ay inaatake na ako ng lungkot dahil hindi ko kailanman naisip na sa ganitong paraan ko ulit siya makikita.
I knew that Leon was still sad about it. He cherished his mother so much and would go to great lengths to make her life a little easier. Kaya siya nag-aral at nagtrabaho nang mabuti noon ay para din kay Tita. He told me he wanted to make up for all the things she gave up for their family . . . and the fact that she died before he could do it was surely a burden to his heart.
"Good morning, tita . . ." I whispered in the wind as we put the flowers on her grave.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtabi sa akin ni Leon. He wrapped his left arm around me and drew me in.
"Binalikan na ako ni Amari, nay," marahang wika niya. "Sana hindi ka na galit sa 'kin . . ."
I put my right arm around his waist and gazed at him. "Bakit naman siya magagalit sa 'yo?"
Hindi niya ako binalingan. Ang mga mata niya ay nanatiling nakatutok sa puntod ng ina.
"Ayaw niya sa ginawa ko. Nagalit siya no'ng nalaman niyang iniwan kita para sa pera." Niyakap niya pa ako palapit sa kanya. "She said she'd rather die than get better with the money of people who hurt you."
I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my heart. I'd always known that Tita Leah was a good woman, but I never thought she would care about me that much.
"Siya ang nagpa-realize sa 'kin na hindi tama ang ginawa ko. Na kung kaya kitang ipagpalit sa pera, wala raw akong karapatang sabihing mahal kita."
"Your reason is valid, Leon."
"Nanay showed me many other options. Puwedeng ibenta 'yong lupa niya na naibalik sa amin ni Psyche. Puwedeng mangutang sa ilang kaibigan. Puwedeng isangla ang bahay." He shook his head. "Hindi dapat kasama sa pamimilian ang paghingi ng tulong sa mga taong nanakit sa 'yo."
I sighed before leaning against his chest. "It's done. I'm okay with everything now . . . kaya 'wag mo nang sisihin nang sisihin ang sarili mo. I have my shortcomings, too. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang may pagkakamali sa relasyon natin."
Umihip ang hangin. I saw how the plants and trees moved in sync with it as if it was a musical instrument humming a lullaby.
"Rinig mo 'yon, nay? She still forgave me . . ." Leon chuckled lowly. "I wonder what your reaction will be if you're here."
Nanatili kami ng higit tatlong oras doon. The sun was hiding behind the clouds, so it wasn't too hot. Ipinagpasalamat ko kay Tita Leah ang pagiging mabuting ina kay Leon at sa kambal. We also told her that those two had learned their lessons and were now moving forward with their dreams that had been put on hold.
Kita ko sa mga mata ni Leon kung gaano niya ka-miss si Tita. Even while we were howling with laughter together, his eyes would get sentimental whenever he gazed at the grave.
"Proud siya sa 'yo . . ." saad ko sa kanya nang sumakay kami sa kotse niya.
We were still at the cemetery, looking over the grave from his car.
"You managed to rise from all the crap life had thrown at you. Sigurado akong kung nandito siya ngayon, paulit-ulit niyang sasabihin kung gaano siya kasaya na naging anak ka niya." Kinuha ko ang kamay niya at hinawakan iyon. "So, forgive yourself, too, Leon. You didn't fail anyone. You are not to blame for what is bound to happen."
Matagal na naiwan ang atensyon niya sa puntod ni Tita bago siya dahan-dahang bumaling sa 'kin.
"I didn't fail you?" he asked.
Umiling ako. "We needed to go our separate ways to heal, Leon. Hindi kita puwedeng mahalin habang sugatan ako at hindi mo rin ako puwedeng mahalin habang marami ka pang dala-dala. We can't really love each other if we don't know how to love ourselves first."
"So . . . now . . ." he trailed off, finding something in my eyes.
I nodded slowly. "Yeah, now's our time, Leon. Mahal na kita noon . . . pero mas mahal na mahal kita ngayon."
Nanubig ang mga mata ko nang makita ko sa mukha niya ang labis na pagmamahal sa akin.
"I'm so proud of us," I whispered.
Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa kamay niya at inilagay iyon sa pisngi ko habang nakatingin pa rin sa mapupungay niyang mata.
"No more waiting, okay? I don't really like my last name, so you have to keep your promise and make me a Zamora."