He walked away and got into his car without saying another word.
I was a terrible person.
"What in the hell did you just do?" Logan asked me.
I shook my head and walked inside the house. I sat down on the couch as all of these thoughts ran through my mind.
My dad was a horrible person who didn't care about anyone else but himself. I hated the fact that I was seeing a lot of him in myself right now.
"Ryan, why are you acting like this?" Logan questioned me. I heard her sigh as she sat down next to me. "Well, I know why, but do you really truly think that he deserved that?"
"That boy has been there for you through hell and high water and you just sent him off like that? He doesn't see you any differently, Ry. What happened with Dad wasn't my fault, it wasn't your fault, it was nobody's fault, but his." she went on.
I was listening, but I wasn't listening.
"I don't know if I can let him be there for me if I feel like I don't have any value myself. I feel like one of the worst people to walk this planet." I tried to formulate my feelings into words.
"Why do you feel like that?" she asked me.
I thought back to that night when we drank too much and got a little too touchy.
"When we were in the Hamptons, we drank together one night. It was the night that you guys went into the city to go see something on broadway. We went on that date, went back to the house, we started drinks, and then it just happened." I kept my voice low.
"And he was a virgin and I feel like the worst fucking person. We were drunk and then I just did that like he means nothing to me. It's not that he doesn't mean anything to me, because that couldn't be further from the truth. I just don't think that I can measure up to the idea he has of me in his head and I don't think that I would be a good girlfriend." I expressed.
I laid across my sister's lap. "Now we have to go to school tomorrow and just have to try to get back to normal. I don't know if I'll ever be normal again. The past two years have been so extremely traumatic."
I could feel my sister stroking my hair. "That's why we're in therapy. We'll probably be in therapy for the rest of our lives, to be honest."
"I don't think that you should have been that abrasive towards him but I understand why you acted like that. He might be mad right now, but he'll understand one day. I just want you to know that I'll always have your back, Ryan. No one can understand what I have been through other than you and vice versa."
"But I also want you to be so so so happy and loved. I saw the way he looked at you and the way he treated you. That was love. Not was, it is. I also don't want you to rush or try to fix anything until you can see yourself in positive life. You're so beautiful, inspiring, and loving. You deserve the world."
"You need time."
I nodded my head.
I do need time.
"Do you think he hates me?" I asked her.
She shook her head. "Absolutely not."
"Both of you need time. You're young."
"I just don't want you to beat yourself up forever. Mom and Dylan would want both of us to be so happy and live a fulfilling life. We have to since they can't." Loo went on.
How did my little sister have more wisdom than me right now?
I sat up and gave her a smile. "I love you SO much, Logan."
She wrapped her arms around me. "I love you so so so much more, Ry-Ry. You're the best big sister I could have ever asked for. I thank God every day that he gave me you."
My heart.
I took a long bath that night and thought about my feelings and thoughts. I was going to live a life that was so fulfilling. I was going to be so happy. I was going to make my mom and sister proud.
Was it going to take time? Absolutely.
But I knew that I would get there.
My first day back to school wasn't half as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe this was only big news in New York City. I doubted that people in Connecticut gave a damn about my family and our issues (other than the DuPonts) and I liked that.
"We should go to Jake's party this weekend." Emery brought up. "I think we're all a little overdue for a little fun! Plus it is senior year. Prom is practically tomorrow and then graduation."
Oh shit.
Prom sure was coming up soon.
"What do you guys say?" she looked around at all of us.
Mila nodded. "Fuck it. I can handle the alcoohool. My sister gave me her old ID."
Everyone nodded and Mila just looked at me.
She knew everything.
"What do you say, Ry? Maybe we can goo get our nails done after school on Friday too." she suggested.
Mila was probably one of the best things to come out of moving to Connecticut.
Fun. You deserve fun.
I took a deep breath. "Yeah. Let's go."
Emery squealed. "Fuck yes! We just have to get through this school week."
And the week after that, and the week after that, and the week after that.
But like Logan said, baby steps and therapy. Lots of therapy.
I went on about my school day. I was surprised that Ii didn't feel too behind. Then again I didn't really give a fuck. I got into college and everything. NYU was going to be the reset that II so desperately needed.
I was walking to my car after I met with my counselor when my eyes met his. We hadn't seen each other or said a word after I blew up at him.
My heart skipped a beat and sank to my stomach at the same time.
He started to walk straight past me before I grabbed his wrist.
"Brennan." I started.
He looked startled so I let go of his wrist.
God, what do I even want to say?
"Yeah?" he asked me. "Was your first day back ok?"
I nodded my head. "No on here really knows. It's New York City drama I guess."
"I just wanted to apologize." I took a deep breath. "You didn't deserve the way I spoke to you or anything. I just need time. A lot of time. I know you probably think I'm satan on earth and I just wanted to get that off my chest."
He shook his head. "I do not think that, but I need time too, Ryan. That was kind of a lot for me to go through too. I know it's not as worse as you by any means. I just need a little space and time right now."
Ouch.
"Get home safe." he walked away.
That was so dry.
But I had to honor and respect his boundaries.
I went on about my week. I focussed on planning my college list, thinking about what classes I wanted to take, the legal issues we had to handle, and trying to finish senior year strong.
I will say that Logan helped me more than ever. I made her promise that we would live in the same city when we got older. I started to regret not staying iin Connecticut for school, but she wanted me to spread my wings and reclaim the city I loved so much with good memories.
On Friday, I went out to lunch and to get my nails done with Mila. It really helped to take my mind off of everything and gave me quite the serotonin boost.
"How are things with Brennan?" she asked me.
I pressed my lips together as I sat on her bed. "Things kind of crashed and burned. I dunno. His family never really liked me so I guess it's for the best."
She sighed. "That makes me sad. You two really worked together."
I shrugged. "It's out of my control. He did ask for space and I have to respect that."
"Is he still taking you to prom?" she wondered.
"That's a great question and a conversation that we never really got around to. So who knows!" I informed her.
She ruffled her hands through her hair. "Well, he's gonna be there tonight."
I gave her a thumbs up. "Great."
We got started on our make-up and pregaming. We stopped talking about our issues and started talking about pop culture and TV shows. I liked feeling myself smile again. It felt like it had been so long since I did that.
I forgot how fun it was to get ready with all of your friends with a little alcohol in your system. I loved dancing and gossiping at the pregame to the giggly Uber ride to the actual party.
I liked meeting new people because I could lie my ass off about how I was without being questioned. I was actually enjoying myself until I felt someone grab my waist.
"We need to talk." Brennan said.