I was so stupid, crazy in love with Tyler. Fuck, I was so dumb. I didn't know why I acted the way I did. I didn't know why I did anything. I hate myself.
He was already gone before I even had him. I sound like Tom Buchanan addressing the audience in the last three paragraphs of The Great Gatsby, but fuck, Tyler was against the current. The only thing was, it didn't elude me then.
Tyler was so distant. We barely talked anymore. The occasional nod to solidify that we saw each other was as deep as our conversations got. Sometimes, on really lucky days, he would say "excuse me" when I was in the way. But other than that? Nothing but an empty void.
He was seeing someone. And he was fucking their brains out, I knew it. Fuck, they were so lucky. Whoever they were, I knew they were getting fucked right. I could only imagine. Not being able to stand for the rest of the night, going to sleep with his head laying on your breasts, rubbing his soft brown hair.
It could've been me, but it wasn't. I really wish I could say there were no regrets, but there were. Tons of them. I cringed every time I had some sort of self-recognition. When I thought I couldn't screw it up anymore, I did. I always managed to.
It was the same as high school. When I knew Ryan was cheating on me, I didn't say anything. What was there to say? I loved him too much. I loved everyone too much. And when I found out that Jessica, my supposedly ride or die day one had him balls deep in her? I was done for.
I hated Jessica. She was so bony, I wanted to snap her arms in half and chuck them into space. And the way she walked, God it pissed me off. It was like stilts were built into her calves, causing her to walk like an off balance Barbie doll. She was a grade higher than me, and was only older than me by one year. We met in 7th grade, the first year I played softball for my middle school. She was the best pitcher on the team. Her fastballs were nothing less than pleasing to our coaches.
Jessica ended up taking a liking towards me. She would come over after practices and wait for her mom to pick her up from my house. We used to gossip about all the other girls in our school, and talk about how excited she was to go to high school.
Summer came and things changed. That was the year Jess lost her virginity. She told me how bad it hurt, and that it wasn't anything special. 'Sex was overrated', she would tell me. I believed her like the little lost puppy I was. The high school got out earlier than the middle school, so there were days I would come home, and Jessica would be sprawled out on my living room couch.
She told me the horrors of high school. She told me how people never moved out the middle of the hallway, and how couples would makeout on your locker without any remorse. There was more homework and tests. I believed her. Jessica would yap on and on before her mom picked her up.
She became the sister I never had. Our parents would hang out, while she would come over and hang out with me. It was a loyal and cute friendship.
It wasn't until Jessica became an upperclassman, she started to change. She came over one day, and asked to go to the basement. I sat on the couch and watched her pull out grams of marijuana. Jessica rolled it in front of me, and told me to take a hit. I did, and coughed immediately. 'I wasn't smoking right' apparently, and she told me how to inhale it.
That night was the first time I got high. Misadventures like so followed, weekend after weekend. Jessica was having sex more often, and told me all about it. She had sex in the car, shower, the kitchen, etc.
As we grew up over the years, Jessica grew into this model like beauty, that every boy in school knew. We grew distant, but not distant enough for her to ignore me in the hallways. She would flash a toothy grin at me with a wave.
When Jess graduated, I could admit I felt a little lost. It was weird not seeing her and that weird walk in the hallways. A lot of people asked me where she was, and how she was doing, especially Ryan.
"I'm just not used to not seeing you together." He would tell me in my ear, as he gripped my ass before leaving for 3rd period.
Me and Ryan won the senior superlative of Best Couple. We wouldn't have won it if I wasn't friends with Jessica, and if he wasn't a varsity starter for the Football team, all four years of his high school career. I learned by the end of senior year, that high school was the biggest survival of the fittest there was.
Senior Prom, I invited Jessica back. She wasn't in college ("College is just another efficient way to owe your life to the government") and had a lot of time on her hands. She obliged.
It was no doubt she looked better than me. Her dress was skin tight, and fell to the ground. It was black, and had a cut right through the middle, showing just enough amount of cleavage.
If I had known that was enough get sex out of Ryan, I would've easily shoved the dress on. Jessica and Ryan ended up getting together, and spent the summer down at the shore house. I put money towards it, but why would I go hear my now ex-boyfriend fuck my ex-bestfriend every night?
I thought it would change with Tyler. We could've been together by now, if it wasn't for me. I was still bitter. I've been bitter for the past 5 years.
But, none the less, I was so stupid in love with Tyler. And just like I said earlier, who ever he was bedding during the day while I laid around crying, was one lucky bitch.
I hoped she fucked him right.