THEODORE - September 2006
It was a dream.
It was a lie.
None of it was real.
Celeste and I were never meant to be okay.
In the span of three months, everything took a drastic change in both our lives — and not in a good way.
Celeste's health never got better. I haven't been able to save her, and even if I did everything in my power to keep her safe, the Blood Curse is way much stronger than her.
Celeste knew during the summer that all she had were only a few months left. And she didn't let the news affect her. Didn't let the affliction consume her mind and heart like it did her body. Didn't waste a single second of her days to stay inside and cry about the misery of her fate.
She lived her life to the fullest, surrounded by the ones she loves most. Her brother and Blaise — who we hadn't seen in ages — took a break from Quidditch to spend some time home. Pansy, who appeared out of the blue from her spiritual voyage — in which she only hooks up with tons of witches whilst she travels — has been staying in one of the unoccupied apartments above the café.
Draco takes care of his pregnant wife but helps around the café, too.
And Celeste, my shooting star, she has managed to smile throughout the pain. She has managed to create unforgettable memories with each one of us. She has managed to be happy with the bare necessities, and that's who she is. Who she always has been — she has never needed to have the world in the palms of her hands to make the most of her days.
The mere thought of losing her, of being without her— It is making me feel as though everything around me is turning to ashes. I feel like my chest is giving up on me every time I look into her crestfallen eyes when she awakes weaker than the previous day. I feel like my whole entire world is about to come crashing down, and I won't be able to heal from the upcoming agony.
***
It's on a rainy September evening that it happens.
Celeste is lying down in bed, a few pillows behind her head as she gazes at the television device in front of her. Dean is next to her, sat against the headboard as their fingers are laced on his lap.
Her hands are trembling, her eyes are golden as she chuckles softly at the funny scene deploying in the movie.
Her brother, Atlas, is lounged on an armchair, sitting sideways with his legs dangling above the armrest, a bowl of popcorn laid on his stomach.
I sit at the windowsill, the back of my head knocked against the cold window, my eyes flickering from Atlas to Dean to Celeste, and to Pansy, who has her head leaned on my shoulder.
Pansy shifts her head to look up in my eyes, and I observe the tear rolling down her pale cheek. She offers me a soft smile before sniffling. I swallow the lump inside my throat before pressing a small kiss to her temple.
When Pansy stands up, she walks towards the bed. Sitting on the edge of it, she leans forward to kiss Celeste's forehead.
They start whispering, and I force myself to not listen. I try to focus my mind on the sound of the rain pouring down and on the voices of the movie, yet my gaze cannot drift away from my Celeste.
Celeste's brows knit as she coughs in the crease of her elbow. Pansy grabs her hands, rubbing gentle circles on the back of them. I look at Dean as he closes his eyes, a tear escaping whilst his jaw clenches.
"Promise me," I hear Celeste ask in a soft voice.
"I promise," Pansy echoes, sniffling. She presses a longing kiss on Celeste's forehead before turning away.
I stand up, wrapping my arms around the raven-haired girl. By the way she is shaking, I know she is forcing herself from not breaking down in this exact moment.
"I'll go fetch her a glass of water," she whispers at me.
I only nod. I don't trust my voice right now.
I turn my back to the three others, hands buried in the pockets of my joggers as I stare at the droplets of water crashing onto the window. I blink away an unbearable burning feeling in my eyes.
I drop my forehead against the glass, not even flinching at the coldness contrasting with my warm skin. I close my eyes, blocking all of my senses for a little while, because I don't want to face today's reality.
The moment a firm yet gentle hand caresses my shoulder, I open my eyes and turn around, meeting Dean's eyes. Dark, washed by a sea of tears, sorrow drawn on his caramel skin.
He merely juts his chin towards the door, asking me to exit the room to let Celeste and her brother be alone for a few minutes.
I wish it were a dream. A stupid, unreal, nightmare. But everything about today is real, and I wish I knew how to go back in time to save her again.
***
I jolt at the sound of Celeste's faint coughs.
My chest heaves, panic arising. The only source of light is from a few candles lit around the room. She lies next to me, softly sniffling whilst moving to get more comfortable.
"Are you okay?" I ask warily. Stupid question. I shift closer to her, brushing a few strands of hair away from her forehead.
"Fine," Celeste croaks out. Even the sound of her voice is fragile. She reaches out to me, grabbing my hand and interlocking our fingers together.
I press soft kisses to the back of her hand, feeling how cold her skin is despite the thick comforter draped over her body.
"Are you cold?" I ask quietly. "Do you need anything? Water? Something to eat? More pillows—"
"You," she whispers, swallowing. "Just you, please."
"Okay." I smile weakly at her.
She turns around, suppressing the groan threatening to leave her throat. I wrap an arm around her body, her hand finding mine to lace our fingers together. I press my chest to her back and place a tender kiss to her skin where her neck meets the shoulder.
She can certainly feel the uneven beating of my heart, the twisting pain in my vital organ as we hold each other for what is probably the last time ever. She can feel my trembling breaths fanning on the back of her head as I keep clenching and unclenching my jaw to prevent myself from crying.
Shutting my eyes close, I inhale her scent — cinnamon.
My cinnamon girl. My star. My whole world. My best friend, my everything. Slipping through my fingers even after I crossed the whole world to try and save her.
Damn the universe and the stars and whoever wished Celeste bad karma. Damn the world for taking everything she deserves away from her.
"I love you, Theo." I hear her whisper. Feeling a pain in my chest, I feel as though my heart has cracked open the very instant she musters these words.
"I love you." And I repeat those three words over and over and over again until she falls asleep.
But I don't fall asleep, keeping my focus on her breathing and making sure it doesn't stop.
***
The sky is dark, thunder rumbling in the distance whilst the rain keeps falling down relentlessly.
Celeste is lying down in bed, huddled underneath a few blankets. I sit on the armchair, leaned forward as my elbows are propped on my thighs. I keep running my hands through my hair, my eyes staying shut close.
The faint voice of Draco chatting with Celeste echoes in the room. He sits on the edge of the bed, whispering to her. She tries to talk to him, but she is struggling to speak, her breaths heavy and her voice flimsy.
"Theo," I hear Celeste calls with a fragile tone of voice.
I instantly meet her honey eyes, feeling an instant brush to my heart that makes me forget about the ache in my chest — but just for a heartbeat.
I stand to my feet, crossing the room with long strides before crouching down in front of her. I tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear, feeling the coldness of her skin beneath the tips of my fingers.
"Yes, love?"
She doesn't say anything, simply extending her hand to me. She tends the other to Draco, who sits on the other side of the bed, a heart-wrenching veil in his blue eyes.
"In another life," she starts, a crack in her voice. "I will have you both."
Draco chuckles whilst he carelessly lets a tear roll down his cheek. My lips curve upwards into a grin as I shake my head.
"You just want to see us fight over you again," Draco says with a smile.
She flickers her gaze between the both of us, her chest heaving. The corners of her mouth tip into a small beam, "It's not everyday that a girl has two handsome dudes fighting over her."
Draco snorts, his eyes finding mine in an amused stare. I lift my shoulders in a shrug, my heart feeling heavy.
When he looks back down at Celeste, he swallows thickly. He lets a heavy sigh fly past his lips whilst his thumb brushes the back of her small hand. "I'm sorry for everything I put you through."
"I know," she assures with a small smile. "It's okay. Everything happens for a reason."
But some things shouldn't happen. Not to the best of us. Not to the purest people who have done nothing but be good to the world.
"Draco," she says before letting out a cough. "I just—" She pauses to breathe, her lower lip quivering. "I want you to know that I am proud of you."
He brings her hand up to his lips, brushing them over her skin. His eyes shut close, his brows furrowing. "I am so grateful to have had you in my life. Not just as my first love but as my friend— And someday, I will tell my kids about you—"
She scoffs, feigning hurt, "Well, I do hope so that you'll them about their amazing, gorgeous auntie Cel."
I chuckle, lacing my fingers with hers. She responds with a gentle squeeze but her eyes remain glued to Draco's.
"As I was saying, you narcissist brat—" Draco winks down at her and she just rolls her eyes. He takes a deep yet shaky breath in. "You will always be known as the strongest and most selfless person I knew."
There is a small moment of silence as Celeste and Draco simply look into each other's eyes. His own are brimmed with tears and he sniffles. She releases the hold over his hand, bringing her small and trembling one up to his face. Ever so gently, she wipes a fallen tear away.
"I love you, Celeste. Always have, always will." He smiles through the tears.
My heart warms at the sight. The both of them, they are my best friends. And the love they shared when being teenagers was the type of love everyone longed for. They used to be happy. Used to forget about the world whilst being together. Used to love through thick and thin, and I will always admire the love Celeste and Draco had for each other.
Her voice, thick with tears and melancholy, makes Draco cry quietly. "I love you," she whispers at him. "Always have, always will."
Maybe I shouldn't be here. Maybe I should have left the room the moment Draco stepped inside, asking to spend the rest of the evening next to Celeste.
But I know she wants the both of us by her side right now. I don't want her to let go. Ever.
When she turns her head to look at me, immediate stars start to dance in her eyes. She doesn't have to say the words to let me know what she feels about me and for me.
"I know," I tell her as though I've read her mind, bringing her hand up to graze my nose to the back of it. I close my eyes and press a longing kiss to her knuckles, simply embracing this moment.
***
The world is ending. Burning to ashes. Turning to dust. And no one can save me—I don't want anyone to save me.
And I feel so helpless, as I hold Celeste's trembling hand.
Her face is pale, her lips quivering. The obsidian sky is free from twinkling stars as though the universe understands that tonight is not a night for sparks and shooting stars. Candles are still burning around the room, and she has asked me something that made the both of smile.
"Cover me in roses," she had demanded.
And I did. Petals of roses float around us on the bed — red, white, lavender, pink, orange, blue and even black. There are multiple colours scattered around her because I needed to let her know that is the way I have always seen her — as delicate as a flower and as vibrant as a rainbow.
"It's cold," she whispers, her voice sounding like it is made of gravel.
"I know, baby." I sigh softly, pulling the covers up to her chin. She smiles faintly when I brush the baby hairs on her forehead. "Better?"
She nods, "A bit. Thanks." She shuts her eyes for a millisecond before meeting back my gaze. "I think I'm starting to see them."
My heart aches at the sight of her pale face, of her pink, chapped lips and of the worn-out look in her eyes.
"What do you mean?" I can't help but tighten my hold over her fingers as though she might slip away if I loosen my grip.
"The stars," she says with a smile. "They are far, far away but I think I can see them."
I feel as though I can't breathe, my throat tightening as a threat of tears brims my vision.
My voice wavers. I try to have control over my emotions. I try to fight back the tears. I saunter my gaze over her features, my gaze lingering over her freckles—I could draw constellations on her face, imprinting starlight on it. "Stay with me for a few minutes, yeah?"
She nods, "Always, Theo. I will always stay with you."
Gods, if only it were the truth.
"Have I ever thanked you for travelling the world to find a cure for me?" Her voice is fragile but audible despite the loud sound of the rain splattering.
I shake my head, my jaw clenching as I feel a great pain gripping my heart.
"No one has ever done something like this for me." She squeezes my fingers. "You always put me first, and you've always managed to make me feel like I mattered."
"You matter, Celeste." I breathe in, my voice shaking in the process. "You will always be the most important person in my heart."
Her eyes flicker between mine, evident sorrowful gloom misting over. Despite the tiredness drawn in her gaze, her honey eyes still sparkle with stars. "You can hear it too, right?"
My brows knit together. "Hear what?"
"The rain," she murmurs. Her eyes shift to the dark sky. The window is tainted with splashes of water, the droplets of rain cascading down the glass.
"Of course," I reply, the words being strangled in my throat.
"Can you—" She stops mid-sentence to let out a cough. A tear rolls down her cheek as she breathes, her chest heaving beneath the covers. She shudders, her eyes closing for a fragment of a second. And when she tries to move, she winces, affliction drawn on her face.
"Hey," I rub the back of her hand, "Don't move. Don't hurt yourself."
She just nods. "Can you promise me something?"
"Anything."
"Promise me you will be happy without me, Theo. Promise you will move on and find another woman who will light up your heart with joy, and who will see you as who you are. Promise you'll be happy."
My eyes mist over and a sob rises from the back of my throat. I bring her hand up to my mouth, my lips pressed to the back of her soft skin. Shaking my head, I keep my gaze connected to hers. "I cannot promise you this, Cel."
"Why not?" She has a saddened expression drawn on her pale face.
"I don't want to be happy without you, Celeste. I don't want to be selfish. I don't— Don't want anybody else if they're not you. I don't want to keep going without you. How— Gods, how am I going to survive without you? Who is going to make me pancakes when I'm hungry? Who is going to reassure me when I feel stressed about work? Who is going to wake up my side every morning and smile at the sight of sun rays? I can't do it without you."
"Look at me, Theo."
There are tracks of tears on her cheeks. Her lips tremble, her voice so, so quiet as though it might give up on her. "You have to do it without me, my love."
My heart is twisting with agony as a wave of sadness crashes over me. "You're all I want, Celeste. A life with you is all I want."
"I know," she whispers, her voice cracking. "I'm sorry I couldn't give it to you."
"It's not your fault." The lump inside my throat thickens. "I just wish I could have done something to save you."
"You've already saved me." She inhales shakily, "Remember what you said?" I shake my head, a tear rolling down my cheek. She brings her cold hand up to my face, gathering my sadness in the palm of her hand. "That we would meet again in another life."
I smile through the tears. "I am going to hold onto that spark of hope, Celeste. I promise we will be together in every lifetime after this one."
"I trust you," she utters with a whisper. "You will find me. I know that you will."
"In every lifetime— You are my soulmate. You are mine just as I am yours, so I am holding onto the promise that I will find you again."
A minuscule dimple appears next to her lips when she offers me a faint smile. I press several kisses on the back of her hand, my tears crashing down on her skin.
"I have only one regret in my life," I whisper, making her frown. "And it's not giving the both of us enough time to be together."
Her eyes turn golden when tears start to well up, "I'm sorry, Theo. I'm sorry we didn't have more time."
"In the next life," I promise.
A tear as clear as crystal water rolls down her cheek and she nods, her breath hitching inside her throat.
"Cel?" I choke out, when her eyes flutter close.
"I'm here," she mumbles. "Can you lie down with me?"
She doesn't see the tears cascading down my face, the taste of salt hitting my lips. "Anything for you."
Lying down on my side next to her, I lace our fingers atop her stomach, but she brings our hands up to rest above her thudding heart.
"I would have fetched the moon for you," I whisper, using my free hand to brush my knuckles over her cheekbone. "Would have picked the stars in the night sky one by one to make your eyes shine. Anything you would have asked for, I would have burned the whole world down to make it yours."
She turns her face to look at me. A small crease appears in between her eyebrows. "You gave me something bigger than the universe, Theo." She swallows thickly, her breathing becoming heavier as she struggles to breathe. She squeezes my hand, letting me know she's okay—for now. "You loved me. You handed me your heart and you took great care of mine. Your love is worth the entire galaxy."
I choke out a sob, her features becoming blurry as my vision is brimmed with tears. "How do you expect me to be okay without you?"
"You can do it," she says brokenly. "Do it for me, please."
I nod, trying hard to breathe through my tight throat and my lungs deprived from oxygen. My heart is flooded with sadness, the most poignant pain shattering my organ in millions of pieces, the shards slicing through my very soul.
I caress her knuckles with the pad of my thumb, the feeling of her heartbeat pouding beneath the palms of my hand. "I am going to miss you for the rest of my life."
"And I will wait for you." She tips the corners of her lips up into a smile. "I promise."
We stay silent for a minute that feels like eternity. Our eyes are locked in an unbreakable connection. Feeling as though nothing could harm us in this exact moment, I want time to freeze. Want the world to stop spinning so I can hold her for a while longer.
But the moment I hear her breath getting caught inside her throat whilst her grip around my fingers loosens, I understand that every single second is what matters.
"The stars seem closer now," she croaks out with her eyes closed.
"Can you hold on for one more minute?" I scoot closer.
"I think so."
My own question brings a pang to my heart. "Can I see your pretty eyes, Celeste?" One last time.
And when green meets honey, I feel as though the words ceases to exist for what's the most important minute of my life.
"You have the most unique eyes," I admit to her, the tip of my forefinger brushing the curve of her nose.
Her breathing starts to get uneven, her breaths heavy yet short. "And— Did you know that— M-My favourite colour is green."
A sob rises from the back of my throat, irremediable sorrow rushing through my veins. Chills run down my spine, and my heart keeps twisting over and over.
She closes her eyes, her face relaxing. I can feel her fingers loosening around mine despite my grip being tight, not wanting to let her go. But I understand that is time.
"Say it again," she demands, her voice barely audible.
"I love you, Celeste. I love you. I love you. Even if you are flying away right now, I will keep on loving you until the stars fade away and the galaxy turns to dust."
"I—" her breath catches inside her throat. "I see the stars, Theo." A little smile draws itself on her lips. "They are dancing around me."
"Go, my love." I whisper, choking on my own words, and I allow her to be free from the affliction of her cursed destiny. "Go dance with them."
Celeste nods. And right before her last breath flies past her lips, she manages to murmur, "It's not raining anymore."
And the instant she draws her very last breath, the rain stops pouring down.
***
i'm sorry.
epilogues to follow.