you're all i want | t.n, d.m

04

THEODORE - September 1998

diary,

The dreams started over a year ago, but I still get them to this day. Well, they aren't really dreams, they're more like memories replaying over and over in my head.

In these so called dreams, I can see Celeste clutching her arm and silently crying as I stand a few feet away.

I know how much it hurts when we get marked. I know the pain she's feeling.

I can't move. I want to, though. I want to hold her and tell her she'll be fine. It only burns and hurts for a few hours. But there are too many eyes in the room.

Draco is standing next to me. He's not even looking at her. As if his shoes were more interesting than his own girlfriend.

If Draco knew that I want to hold her, he'd kill me.

All of this, it's his fault. We've been marked to punish him since he failed his task. Blaise and I were first. Then the Dark Lord went further into his mind and saw how much Pansy meant for him too. Pansy got marked three days after me. And now, the Dark Lord saw who Draco loves most : Celeste. She got marked as well.

When Celeste looks up to look into my eyes, my heart keeps breaking.

It's an image I can't get out of my head.

***

"What are you even writing in it?"

My head snaps up from the diary sitting on my lap to look at Draco who has just come out of the shower. His pajama's pants are hung low on his hips and he's drying his hair with a towel.

"None of your business." I reply, snapping the book shut.

"I haven't started." He says, taking a seat on the edge of his bed. "I don't know what to write."

"You've got so much to tell, though." Mumbles Blaise from his bed where he's lying down and staring at the ceiling.

Draco shrugs his shoulders, "I don't know what they want me to write down. They've already looked through my memories. They should spare me from that bullshit."

I'm glad they haven't looked through my head. I've seen too much. Been through too much. My mind's all messed up.

I put the diary on my nightstand. "You can start by writing how you've fucked us all."

"What was that?" Asks Draco, suddenly stopping drying his hair.

From the corner of my eyes, I see Blaise gesturing for me to shut it.

I let out a long sigh, "Nothing."

"Whatever, Theo. If you have something to tell me, just speak up."

"It's nothing." I sigh again. Draco knows exactly how I feel about the whole situation. We've fought about it, countless times.

***

July 1997

"You keep fucking it all up, Draco."

"Can you shut the hell up, Nott? Do you think I really wanted this to happen? I never wanted for you guys to be punished for what I did!"

"Rather for what you didn't do, you coward." I spit at him. "If only you had let Celeste help you with that fucking task, we wouldn't be here today."

He aims a finger at my chest, "Don't bring her up. This is not about her."

At this point, Draco and I are standing chest to chest, breathing heavily and trying to contain our anger. "You better work on that Occlumency, Malfoy. Once he realizes who you're really trying to protect, she's fucked like all of us."

"I'm not letting that happen." He says through gritted teeth.

"You better not."

***

"Anyway." Draco says, snapping me out my thoughts. "I asked Celeste to go grab a drink."

"What'd she say?" Asks Blaise, still staring at the ceiling.

"She just walked away."

I can't help but snort, just imagining Celeste strut away as Draco calls desperately for her.

"What's so funny, Theo?"

I glance at him, arching an eyebrow up, "Wouldn't you like to know, arsehole?"

Draco glares at me before going into the bathroom and closing the door dramatically.

"You wrote about Cel, didn't you?" Asks Blaise as soon as he hears Draco start brushing his teeth.

I scoff and lock my hands behind my head, "I don't know what you're talking about, Blaise."

Blaise rolls on his stomach to look at me. He narrows his eyes before letting out a sarcastic chuckle. "You can fool Malfoy but not me, man."

"I can't-" I start whispering, "I can't not talk about her. I mean, everything she's been through- I was the one to help her because Draco couldn't do it."

Blaise nods, "I know." He sighs and turns on his back again to look at the ceiling.

After a small moment of silence, my voice comes out as a faint whisper, "I don't think she's going on that date with him, anyways."

Blaise looks at me. "Are you trying to convince me or yourself?"

I just shrug my shoulders and let my eyes linger on the diary sitting on my nightstand.

"You know," Blaise whispers, "If you show what you write in it to Celeste, she might just fall for you."

I roll my eyes at him, "Can you shut up? Nothing will ever happen between the both of us. She's my best friend, ex-girlfriend of my other best friend. Nothing will happen."

He frowns, lifting a hand to his heart and pretends to be shocked. "Hey! What am I to you, man?"

"Right now?" I throw a pillow at him, "A piece of shit."

"Fuck you, Nott." He throws back the pillow, hitting me on the shoulder. "No worries, your secret's safe with me."