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𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐈'𝐝 𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞,
𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲 𝐚 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐞...
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—gn!reader
—angst
— modern au + day three of kazuha week <3
—1.7k+
「 SECOND OPTION (REWRITE) 」
i'd always been the type of person to fade into the background, even as others stared straight through my eyes. they'd never bothered to speak with me, because most forgot i existed the moment they turned their heads. i was forgettable that way. i was no one's first pick, especially when it came to romance. every school dance i ever attended, i went alone and stood awkwardly in the corner because my parents claimed i should 'have fun' and 'live life while i still have it'. it was not fun, and it hardly felt like i was alive.
the first person to pay me any attention was lumine, my best friend. funnily enough, she was a magnet for other people, and everyone constantly hoped to befriend her, which they did. she was kind enough to accept all friendships, and she was talented in everything.
at times, her qualities would make me feel inferior, despite her reassuring me otherwise. she was the only person who saw me, how was i meant to think any different?
well, that was until kaedehara kazuha.
in all honesty, our first meeting left me baffled, though i never knew why.
the violin always felt like a fragile instrument, held in my nimble hands as each string surrendered beneath the bow. initially, i was pressured into becoming a violinist to appease my mother, but after time, it became a beloved dream of my own.
so, some days, i'd stay late after school to practice in the music room.
the melody i played was rather melancholy, matching my feelings of unworthiness and self loathing, which was why it was so startling when the door creaked open. in a flash, i whipped around to face the entrance and the prettiest boy i'd ever seen stared back at me with wide eyes.
"um— yes?" i asked awkwardly, unsure of what else to say.
he stepped into the room and smiled, "i didn't mean to disturb you. i heard your song from the hallway and hoped to see the musician behind it."
i slowly nodded, eyes darting around the room to avoid his gaze, "right. well, here they are, i guess!"
"here they are," he repeated with a chuckle.
my sights drifted toward him again, "...did you like the song?"
his smile grew.
"i loved it."
and we'd been friends ever since. i had no idea why he'd still been in the building that day, or what lured him to the music room's hallway, but i preferred to believe it was fate.
he was poetic, and he did his best to include me in group activities during our classes, which i was beyond appreciative of. the way he treated me resembled the way someone would care for a glass figurine; delicately. this led to thoughts of him being rooted deep inside my brain, and i did welcome them, but the swarms of butterflies were so confusing since i never experienced them before. eventually, i learned to live beside them, but there remained one problem.
"he's so pretty," lumine sighed, resting her head on our usual lunch table.
i followed her gaze to find her staring at kazuha, eyes full of fondness and love, "yeah... when are you gonna confess to him, anyway?"
her head perked up, "confess!? oh, i'm not doing that... i have no idea how to..."
"yeah, that's because everyone's always confessing their love to you," i snickered and she pouted.
i found it twisted for the universe to decide that out of all her options, lumine only wanted kazuha. a plethora of men were in love with her, and yet the only one she saw was the one i pined for.
"it's not my fault!" she whined. "i don't know what they see in me."
"lumi, you're literally good at everything."
"no, i'm not," she denied with a roll of her eyes, gluing her eyes to kazuha once again. "if i was, it would be enough for him to fall head over heels for me."
"as if he hasn't already," i mumbled.
"what was that?"
"nothing," i said hastily. my eyes shot up to look at her, but she still hadn't torn her gaze away from the ivory-haired boy. i found her behavior to be a bit obsessive, but i couldn't blame her.
i was no better, after all.
━✿━
"holy shit, are you okay!?" i yelped, rushing over to lumine as the floorboard plummeted from the treehouse to the grass below.
"okay, yeah, we need to fix that," she breathed, pressing her hand over her heart. "i think i nearly died from fear."
"we'll nail it down better next time," i said with a slight smile. "sorry about that."
"no need to be sorry," she replied, her face morphing into a wince. "i'm pretty sure i nailed that one, actually... clearly i'm not meant to be a builder."
i chuckled, "honestly, i think it's an achievement there's something you're not perfect at."
"right?" she laughed, stepping over the gaping hole in the floor to meet me on the other side.
we found ourselves standing on the small 'balcony', which was supported by a large tree branch beneath it. we'd built the entire structure ourselves, with a little help from my parents. i was actually quite proud of it, and we made plenty of good memories in the process of making our little hangout place.
now, facing the forest on the same (refined) balcony, i held a trace of bitterness. i was unsure of where it was directed, but i knew i was disappointed in myself. lumine was my best friend, and i didn't plan on letting her go because of a boy, even if it was the most perfect looking, thoughtful boy in the world. even so, there was still a slight resentment, which was why i decided to visit the treehouse in the first place. i hoped to relive my memories with lumine, and remind myself why i loved her so much.
it wasn't working.
my grip on my violin tightened faintly before i held it up, resting my chin on top of it. my eyes fluttering closed, the bow hovering over the instrument, and i took a ghostly breath. my exhale chilled as it left my mouth, blending in with the icy air.
the wails of the violin spread through the leaves, each string vibrating underneath the pressure of my hands. this song was at my mercy, shrieking and sobbing, ripping through the air with a harshly toned beauty. this was my beauty; my home, my wretched little tune to explain the horrible residue of feelings orbiting my chest.
the intensity reached its peak and my nose stung, tears welling behind my eyes. my hands shook from both the cold and the beast clawing through me. my heart was beginning to hollow itself out, and i wanted to scream, but i had lost my own voice. the instrument bellowed for me, its sound causing my lips to quiver while the tears finally dripped down my cheeks.
❝y/n...?❞
my movements only halted at the sound of an all too familiar voice, and i turned my head to see kazuha standing over the hatch entrance. tears sparkled as they stained the wood beneath my feet and i parted my lips, hoping to choke out something, but i couldn't find my words.
he stared with a gentle kindness as he walked toward me and all i could do was stand silently, my throat closing up as his hands reached out for mine. i lowered my arms, letting them hang limply at my sides, and he placed my violin on the small desk nearby. afterward, he held my hands, freezing as they were.
"hey," i exhaled.
"hi," he smiled, though it quickly faded into a frown. "what's wrong?"
i gazed down at our intertwined hands, "..it's nothing."
"really? y/n, look at me."
i hesitantly lifted my head to meet his eyes and he spoke again, "is it really nothing?"
reluctant to answer, i tried redirecting the topic, "why are you here, anyway?"
he seemed disappointed by my lack of an answer, "i was looking for you. i stopped by your house, but your parents told me you'd be here."
"oh."
i was desperate to ask why he was searching for me, but i screwed my mouth shut and turned around, sitting down on the edge of the balcony with my legs dangling down. i glared down at my feet and kazuha promptly seated himself beside me, his shoulder bumping against mine.
"..why were you looking for me?"
i peered at him from the corner of my eye to see a distant expression cross his face as he responded.
"i was looking for... advice," he said, his eyes reaching out to the depths of the surrounding forest.
"advice on what...?" i asked, dread clenching around my heart with an unwavering grip.
he twiddled his thumbs, now seeming shy, and any sense of hope i harbored had been crushed with a single stomp. to prevent more tears, i straightened up and looked at him through narrow eyes, praying it would help quash the overwhelming desolation in my body.
"i was planning to... confess my feelings for lumine," he answered. "you're the one closest to her, so i wondered if i could ask you for the best approach."
no. no, you can't. you can't ask me that. you can't ask me that when it's so obvious that i'm in love with you and you just saw me crying over it! god, how are you so stupid?!
that was what i wanted to say.
"uh, well— you could read her a poem, or give her a flower. inteyvats are her favorite."
he nodded, raising his eyes to meet mine with a look of gratitude, "thank you, i'll keep that in mind. but... are you sure you're alright, after earlier?"
"yeah," i plastered on a smile. "i was just feeling nostalgic, that's all. it's our last year of highschool, and i just feel... i'm not ready to grow up yet, i guess."
without explanation, he leaned over and wrapped his arms around me to create a comforting embrace, but all it did was suffocate me. still, i didn't pull away. i couldn't. this was a moment to savor, because i knew soon enough, i would never be able to dream of holding him this way again. so, i dug my face into his shoulder and hugged him with all my might, as if he'd disappear if i didn't. oh, how tragic this unrequited love was.
kaedehara kazuha saw me, and i still wasn't good enough.