*Lou sneaking in after a dangerous bike ride in the storm, midnight*
Lou: *whispering to herself* Ugh! I'm back
Debbie: *appears out of nowhere* Hi, back. I'm disappointed
***
Daphne: *trips and falls*
Tammy: Christ! Are you okay?
Daphne: You better make a wish because you just saw a falling star!
***
*Team celebrating news about Claude Becker getting more years of jail time*
Daphne: He deserves it. But somewhere I wanted him to be electrocuted
Debbie: I too want him dead but his crimes are not violent. So, you can't expect such sentence, no matter how much you want it turn into reality.
*Lou listening to their conversation silently*
Tammy: *looking at Lou* You are awfully quiet
Lou: Nobody plans a murder out loud
***
Tammy: I once got caught in storm and lost control of my car. I spun around multiple times and almost hit a truck! That was scary! What's your scariest, most fearful event in life?
Amita: I had to undergo a surgery and that day I was scared to death!
Constance: I almost slipped and fell from Brooklyn bridge while skateboarding on its bars unsupervised. That's hella scary to this day.
Nine: I once breached a security of a website that almost had me caught by FBI.
Lou: You all have pretty low bar for fear.
Tammy: Really? You have anything that's scarier than what we said?
Lou: I do.
Tammy: What?
Lou: Have you ever experienced Debbie calling you by your full name? I have!
***
*Lou walks inside the kitchen to see Debbie and Tammy arguing while others watching, eating popcorn*
Lou: What's up, ladies?
Tammy: *passing a tray of cookies* We are arguing about its taste. You are our unofficial chef. Taste this and rate it. Your input will help end this argument
Lou: *takes a bite* Bloody fucking hell! You call this a cookie? Which dimwit among you baked this dog turd? This fucking thing is raw, bitter and tastes like shit! I give it 1 out of...
Debbie: *staring at Lou* I baked them
Lou: ... 1 out of 1. Full stars. This cookie is what heaven tastes like. This is the best ever cookie I tasted in my entire life. Tammy, you should be thankful you are given an opportunity to taste this in your lifetime. This is the epitome of all cookies!
Others: WHA-
***
*Rose on a dinner date with another designer*
Designer: I'll be straight to point. I am really into BDSM
Rose: *looking allover the menu* B... D... uh... I don't think they have that here. Would you be okay with steak?
***
*Team arguing with each other*
Amita: Damn!
Tammy: Language!
Nine: Suck it, asshole!
Tammy: I said Language!
Daphne: Get fucked, you crazy bitch!
Tammy: Language!
Debbie: Fuck off, you motherfucker!
Tammy: Debbie, language!
Lou: You fuckwit! Who the bloody fuck do you think you are, cunt?
Tammy: LANGUAGE! LANGUAGE!
Constance: What the Frick frack tickity tic tac snick snak, bro!
Tammy:
Others:
Tammy: What the fuck was that!
***
*Group chat: as seen through Constance's phone (You = Constance)*
You created 'Constance's suprise birthday planning'
You added Keyboard smasher
You added Virgin Mary
You added Overacting Bitch
You added Soccer mom
You added Fairy Godmother
You added Aussie Bowie
You added Boss Lady
You: Welcome all. Now plan my birthday
You left the group
***
*Tammy is out of town with her family and appoints Constance to look after her suburban mansion*
Tammy: *on phone* What are you doing? Everything okay there?
Constance: *playing a violent videogame with gun shoots and bombing* yes. Everything is fine. I am... Doing dishes
Tammy: Did I just hear a gun shot?
Constance: Uh... This is a bad neighbourhood, Tammy. Too many shootouts here
***
Lou: Are you ignoring Rose?
Daphne: No. I am just playing hard to get. Like in movies
Lou: It's unnecessary though. You are already hard to want
Daphne: Wha-
***
Tammy: What scares you the most?
Constance: Werewolves
Nine: Vampires
Amita: Just about anything with claws
Tammy: And you, Lou? What scares you the most?
Lou: Debbie on periods
***
*Team decides to have a singing night*
*starts singing L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole*
Tammy: 🎶L is for the way you look at me🎶
Rose: 🎶O is for the only one I see🎶
Lou: 🎶V is very very extraordinary 🎶
Debbie: 🎶 E-
Constance: E for Egg
Tammy, Rose and Lou:
Debbie: Thank you for your uh... contribution, Constance.
***
*Debbie and Lou are renovating the loft, and place a box in front of everyone*
Debbie: Okay, we gotta clean up this place before we renovate. So, let's sort out the things.
Lou; Safely put the cutest, sweetest and prettiest things you find in this hall inside this box. Carefully.
Constance: Amita?
Debbie: Not people, only things...
Constance: Can we put Tammy?
Debbie: I said-
Constance: Rose?
Rose: WHA-
Debbie: Nobody is putting Rose in the box-
Daphne: *already stuffing Rose inside the box*
***
*One summer noon, Debbie walks in to the kitchen and hugs Lou from behind, while others watch*
Lou: Hey baby, what you want for lunch? I'll prepare for you
Debbie: It's too hot today. I want to eat something cold, baby
Tammy: *looking at Debbie* I am cold
Debbie:
Lou:
Others:
Tammy: Shit! Did I say that loud?
***
*Lou's ex walks into Lou's club*
Ex: Hey Lou
Lou: Uh... Hey
Ex: I was driving by. Thought I would meet you. You know, I just came from salon. How do I look?
Lou: Words cannot describe you
Ex: *blushing* aren't you a swee-
Lou: But numbers can. 2/10
***
*Timeline: Young Loubbie*
Danny: *on phone* Rusty and I saw your foreign girlfriend wandering around, not knowing the route back home. We got her to my place. Take her back
Debbie: I don't have any girlfriend, Danny
Danny: Then who is this girl who shamed us for our English, made us replace Z with S, and add U in color, flavor, humor?
Debbie: *chuckling* You have Lou
***
*Lou and Debbie visit Lou's mum and dad*
Lou: Mum, dad, Debbie and I have decided to get married
Mum: You could've done better. You deserve better than her.
Lou: Mum! that's so rude and insensi-
Mum: I was talking to Debbie
***
*Debbie and Lou arguing on a silly matter*
Lou: You know, it's okay to embrace your mistakes once in a while.
Debbie: *embraces Lou* There. I did it. Happy now?
***
*Teen Lou sees a parent spending 3000 AUD on Christmas gift in a mall*
Lou: Mum, see how much she spent? Are you going to just let her show you up like that?
Mum: I saw. That's 3000 dollars! 3000 DOLLARS! That's nuts! That's too much!
Lou: Don't you think you should spend more on my gifts to show her your power?
Mum: No. It's a waste of money
Lou: Yeah I guess. Or, maybe that lady loves her daughter too much
Mum: Maybe her daughter is a better kid
***
Debbie: My laptop is slow. What do I do?
Nine: Clear cookies
Debbie: Cookies? You sure?
Nine: Yes. Clear all the cookies. There shouldn't be any.
Debbie: Okay
*After a while*
Debbie: Your suggestion didn't work. I fucking ate all the cookies Tammy prepared despite it being bad. But my laptop is still slow.
***
*Lou walks in, tired, at around midnight*
Debbie: where were you?
Lou: I was collecting Pokemon in our backyard. This game is awesome!
Debbie: I would probably be less disappointed if you said you were partying or selling drugs or even having an affair
***
Lou: *walking in, worried* I fucking saw a scary clown in the middle of the road!
Debbie: What was a mirror doing in the middle of the road?
***
Constance: Happy birthday, Amy!
Amita: Thank you! Where's my gift?
Constance: Remember last month, we saw a green Lamborghini in race course?
Amita: *excited* YESS! WOW!
Constance: I got you a toothbrush of that colour
***
*Team watching a movie. Tammy's phone pings*
Lou: You got a message. Check it.
Tammy: I am not finding my phone though.
Lou: The last time I saw, you were using your phone in the kitchen
Tammy: Maybe it is still there *walks to the kitchen*
Tammy: *checks her phone. The message is from Lou*
"Bring more chips, beer and my vodka on your way back"
***
*Timeline: Tammy in 20s, dating a misogynistic asshole Brendan, visits his place for the first time*
Tammy: Why are there cups and dishes in your bedroom? They belong in the kitchen.
Brendan: Just like women.
Lou: *walking in out of nowhere* A woman is more likely to be seen in a kitchen than in your bedroom, fuckwit. Let's go, Tammy
***
(A/n: below joke is not meant as a mockery of difficult situation. Just trying to show how cool and open-minded Lou's family is. Apologies in advance if anyone finds it offensive)
*Teen Lou on her 17th birthday, decides to come out*
Lou: *just before cutting the cake* Mum, Dad, I... I... I like girls
Mum:
Dad:
Extended Family:
Lou: *worried*
Mum: *sighs and takes 50 dollars from her pocket* Okay, who bet 17th birthday?
Dad: *grinning victoriously* It was me.
Lou:
Lou: You guys knew I was a lesbian? You had a lottery on my coming out?
Lou's uncle: Yeah. Couldn't you come out last year? I would've won
***
Amita: What do you think of love?
Lou: Debbie
Daphne: Cheesy and boring. Love is... Stupidity
Amita: You are so negative. Anyone else?
Constance: Love is like counting the stars
Amita: Aww... You mean infinite?
Constance: No. I meant waste of time
***
*Teen Lou annoyed because her mum just walked inside her room without knocking first*
Lou: Mum, I'm no longer a kid! You are invading my personal space
Mum: You came out of my personal space. Did I throw a fit?
***
*Timeline: Teen Lou*
Mum: Any plans for Saturday?
Lou: Nah. Nothing
Mum: Loser
***
Lou: *to annoy Tammy* You are ABCDEFGHIJK
Tammy: What's that, nerd?
Lou: Attractive, Brilliant, Cute, Daring, Elegant, Funny, Gorgeous and Hot!
Tammy: Aww... That's... Sweet, coming from you. What does IJK mean?
Lou: I'm Just Kidding
***
Tammy: I went to market earlier. Everyone complimented and told me I look gorgeous
Debbie: Everyone is lying to you
***
*Timeline: Teen Lou*
*Lou is alone at home while her parents are at work. Her mum calls but Lou doesn't pick up. It goes to voicemail*
Mum: *voicemail* Don't forget to unload the washing machine. Did you finish your homework? Do the dishes after your homework. Also, do another batch of laundry. Clean the house. Water the plants. We have to go to your grandmother's house in the evening. So, get your outfit pressed and ready. Dad and I talked. This Christmas, we are going to gift you a car...
Lou: *immediately picks up the phone* Really? A car? Wow!
Mum: No, we're not. I just wanted to make sure you listened to my words.
Lou: That's cruel!
***
*Lou and her parents on their way to meet Debbie's parents to talk about the wedding*
Lou: Remember, no Dad jokes, dad.
Dad: With you wearing that hideous suit, I don't have to joke
***
*Debbie gets a text from her ex*
Ex: I miss you babe. Can we go out just one more time?
Debbie: Do you want the poop you flush, to come back? That's what I feel everytime you text me this
***
*Timeline: Before Loubbie confession*
Nine: Debbie's contact list has weird names. She saved Constance's number as Metro Card. My number as Eight Baller
Daphne: What's my number saved as?
Nine: Your professional number is saved as Oscars Repellent. Personal number as Annoying bitch
Daphne: That's rud-
Tammy: That's accurate. What's my name saved as? I bet it is Sweetheart for personal number.
Nine: Nah. Lou's professional number is saved as Sweetheart. And not surprisingly, her personal number is saved as My Love
Tammy: What's my number saved as?
Nine: Your professional number is saved as Home Depot
Tammy: *Rolling her eyes* and my personal number?
Nine: Ignore the call.
***
Daphne: What would you give up? Sex or food?
Lou: Food
Daphne: Okay, sex or suit?
Lou: Uh... Sex... No suit... No sex. Sex, yes Sex. Uh... No, suit. Uh... No, sex. Uh... CHRIST! THIS IS SO HARD!
***
*Timeline: Young Loubbie and Tammy*
*Debbie goes to her parents' house for some reason*
Lou: Now that Debbie is gone, I am going to set whole New York on fire!
Tammy: Wha- why?
Lou: Debbie is like 85% of my impulse control
***
Debbie: I NEED YOU FOR FIVE MINUTES. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE
Lou: One, why are you shouting at me? I am right here. Two, why five minutes? Are you in a hurry?
Debbie: One, you are mostly deaf. Two, you have very short attention span.
***
*Debbie and Lou planning for adoption*
Lou: If we have a daughter, then let's name her Lizard but call her Liz. Everyone will think 'Oh, is that short for Elizabeth?' and she'll reply 'No, my name is Lizard'. Imagine their faces.
Debbie: You are officially never allowed to touch our child's birth certificate ever in your life!
***
*Debbie sees a group of people gathered in the club, while two women are fighting*
Debbie: Uh... Two fools are fighting
*Debbie realises one woman is Lou*
Debbie: Shit! That's my fool
***
Officiant: Do you, Lou Miller, take Debbie Ocean as your lawfully wedded wife?
Lou: Scooby-Dooby-Do!
Debbie: I want a divorce
***
Debbie: Lou, how could you even... Christ! I have no words!
Lou: *narrating to audience* Despite having no words, she yelled at me for ten full minutes
***