Snake: "Stop!"
Wolf: "I'll stop it if you just explain it to us because we don't..."
Red: "You're not listening. He said stop."
Snake: "Would you please just drop it?!"
Wolf: "Alright alright. Fine fine fine, consider it dropped. It's dropped. It's on the ground."
Snake: "Good."
Sulley: "And keep it on the ground."
The setting opens to 5 friends, Wolf, Snake, Sulley, Red, and Sly at a diner drinking coffee.
Wolf: "But I mean, come on. Everybody loves birthdays."
Snake: "Aauugghh!!"
Sly: "I don't see how it's not enjoyable for you."
Wolf: "You got decorations, you got balloons, you got parties, and cake!"
Sly: " All that is fun. And cake is the best part."
Snake: "Look! I don't need presents, I don't want decorations, and I'm not a cake guy."
Red: "I disagree with the last part, I think cake is great, but the rest is blah."
Wolf: "Seriously though, you don't like cake? Name one food better than cake."
Snake: "Guinea pig!"
Wolf: "Oh again with the guinea pig. I bet if I blindfolded you, you wouldn't tell the difference between a skunk and a guinea pig."
Snake: "Wrong!"
Sly: "Bad example, Wolf."
Snake: "Snakes have impeccable taste buds. I can taste air."
Wolf and Sly: "Air?"
Snake: "Yes, air."
Sulley: "Prove it."
Snake slurps at the air. "Mmm. Nice."
Wolf: "I don't know. They're a little uh, a little cute for my taste."
Snake: "That's what makes them so delicious. You're not just eating food, you're eating pure goodness. It's not about the pig, it's about what it symbolizes on a deeper level.
Red: "Wow. Thinking of that gave me chills."
Wolf stares at him for a few seconds. Then says, "So you can, you can taste air?"
Snake: "Ugh."
Sly: "I don't think he understood anything you said."
Wolf: "I did. But I mean, what else you got, Snake?"
Snake: "Forget about it!"
Wolf: "W-wait. Can you see color? Can you see sound?"
Sly: "Okay now you're getting stupid."
Snake: "Alright alright okay."
Wolf: "Cuz, we really should be capitalizing on these skills."
Snake: "Okay, alright, fine. Get it all out. Get it all out now!"
Wolf: "Okay, okay."
Snake vomits an alarm clock then continues speaking. "Look at the time. 4pm. Now I know the exact moment our friendship died."
Wolf: (laughs) "Let's bounce."
Snake: "Yep."
Sulley: "Sounds like it's time for some more fun, right Sly?"
Sly: "You bet."
Snake swallows the alarm clock.
Wolf: "Taste's like, um, you're gonna stick me with the bill, again."
Red: "Doesn't he always."
While they talk, people behind them freak out and pin themselves against the wall.
Snake: "Well, it's my birthday."
Wolf: "So now you play the birthday card?That's interesting."
They walk towards the counter.
Wolf: "Can we get a check, please, when you get a chance? Hello? Checkity-check-check."
Sulley: "Ah it's like the usual. They don't come over here."
Wolf: "You know what? We're just gonna leave the money right here, okay?"
Snake: (spits) "You know the one thing good about this place."
Wolf: "What?"
Snake: "We never have to wait for a table."
Wolf: "Well isn't that every place?"
Sly: "Snake, look."
A bunch of people were crowded around a table scared.
Snake: "Hey man. How you been? I haven't seen you in..." He slithers towards them and jumps at them. "Snake attack!" The people get even more frightened.
Snake sees a bowl of mints on the counter and swallows it whole.
Sulley: "Oh come on. I wanted one."
Snake: "Too bad."
Wolf: "Sorry, folks. I'm switching him to decaf."
The five friends walk towards the door and say to each other, "Let's do this."
They walk outside. Everyone nearby sees them and run away. Cars crash into each other as Wolf, Snake, Red, Sulley, and Sly cross the street. Once they cross, they walk towards a bank.
Wolf (to Snake): "Guinea pig, huh?"
Snake: "It's the Rolls-Royce of rodents!"
Sly: "I highly doubt that."
Wolf: "It's still a rodent. You know what I mean."
Red: "I'm sure he does. He just doesn't care."
Snake: "Exactly. Thank you, Red."
They enter the bank and everyone runs away from them.
Wolf: "Don't mind us. We're just robbing this place."
They walk to their left, break in a safe, and steal several bags of money. They break through a window, hop inside their car that was hidden in an alley, and drive away."
Wolf: "Whoo. Yeah!"
Sly: "Another successful steal!"
Wolf: "Go bad."
Snake, Red, Sly, and Sulley: "Or go home!"
All of them laugh as they drive down the road at high speed. Wolf looks out the window.
Wolf: "Hey, you. Get over here. Little bit closer.
Oh, I know what it is. You're afraid because I'm the Big Bad Wolf. Well, I'm not surprised. I am the villain in every story. Isn't that right, fellas?"
Snake: "Yep."
Red: "Absolutely."
Sulley: "100% true."
Wolf: "I'll introduce my friends to you, one by one. Say hello to Sly Cooper. Crime, is in his blood. His ancestors were thieves just like him. What makes him cool is that golden hook he carries around."
Sly: "I like to consider it a family heirloom. Used by my father before me, and his father. You get the idea."
Wolf: "Next up, Sulley. Basic thing is he's the scariest guy out of all of us here."
Sulley: "Main reason why everyone runs away from us."
Wolf: "And over here is Red. His weapon is anger. Anyone who dares stand in his way or tick him off will live to regret it."
Red: "Also known as the Red Rage. Furious almost every day."
Sulley: "You're also known as Eyebrows. Just look at how big they are."
Red: "You are this close to being punched in the face."
Wolf: "Relax, Red. And finally, meet Mr. Snake. Serpentine safe-cracking machine. You could imagine Snake as Houdini but with no arms. He's the kind of guy who'd tell you the glass is half empty, then steal it from you. Snake is also, my best bud. And today is his birthday."
Snake: "Not relevant."
Wolf: "He's a sweetheart. You're a sweetheart!"
Sirens began wailing from behind. They look in the rear-view mirror.
Red: "We got company again."
Snake: "Well look who's here."
Wolf: "Took them long enough."
Wolf speeds up and zooms past the traffic.
Wolf: "Watch this."
A tarantula and a turtle sit on top of a traffic light and hack the lights.
Wolf: "Three, two, one."
All the lights turn green.
Wolf: "And over here, are Bentley and Miss Tarantula. Our in-house hackers. Our pocket search engines. Our traveling tech wizards. We call Tarantula Webs. And we call Bentley Wheels. Because of the wheelchair.
Tarantula and Bentley hop into the car and drive away, leaving a huge traffic jam behind.
Wolf: "Very slick, Webs and Wheels."
Tarantula: "We also took over the police dispatch, blurred their satellite imaging system."
Bentley: "And grounded their chopper. You're welcome."
Tarantula: "And one more thing."
Snake: "You didn't."
Bentley: "She did."
A motorcycle driver drives along side the car with a big cake.
Motorcycle Driver: "I got a special delivery for..." He sees the Bad Guys. "AH! Oh. Don't eat me. Please don't eat meeeeee!!" The driver loses control and falls off the motorcycle, causing the police to either swerve around him, or crash. Wolf catches the cake that the driver tossed into the air.
Tarantula and Bentley: "Happy birthday Mr. Grumpy Pants."
Snake: "I think I hate you both."
They continue driving down the road and towards a construction. A crane was carrying a few porta potties near the road and was being directed by two construction workers. As soon as the car passes by the construction site, the construction workers signal the crane to drop the porta potties in front of the cops.
They run off while the crane controller gets out and follows them. The cops crash into the porta potties and see the workers take off their suits. The car drifts around to pick up a few more members of Wolf's crew.
Shark: "Guys. It's us!"
Murray: "We were construction workers."
Ralph: "You could call me a destruction worker. You know, because I dropped those in front of the cops."
Wolf: "Those guys are Ralph, Murray, and Shark. All of them are masters of disguise. Apex predators of a thousand faces. Their greatest trick: Murray and Ralph steal the Mona Lisa while Shark was disguised as the Mona Lisa. Dig that."
Snake: "Watch it, Big Tuna! I'm trying to work here." Shark was sitting too close to Snake.
Shark: "Keep it cool, baby. Birthdays should be chill." Shark puts a party hat on Snake's head and pats him.
Murray: "Somebody sounds upset."
Ralph: "I don't blame him. Birthdays aren't great either. Especially with chocolate cake. Can't stand it."
Sly: "Ah come on that's the best one."
The police continue chasing the bad guys.
Wolf: "And rounding out the crew."
A knock occurs inside the glove compartment in a police car. The cop notices. Then Piranha and Skipper come out of the glove compartment and scare the cop. The cop screams, then gets beaten up. After that, Piranha and Skipper jump through the windshield.
Wolf: "That's Skipper and Mr. Piranha. They're loose cannons with short fuses. Willing to scrap anyone or anything. They're brave, they're fearless. Oh who am I kidding, they're crazy."
Piranha and Skipper hop in the car while several police cars flip.
Piranha: "Santa cielo, that's a lot of Po-Po."
Skipper: "And they're about to get a lot of pow-pow."
Tarantula: "Uh, Piranha, did we forget something?"
Piranha: "What?"
Shark: "The present! You know."
Skipper: "He did it again."
Piranha: "Oh, um. Of course I didn't forget."
Bentley: "Yeah right."
Piranha toots.
Ralph: "Oh boy."
Tarantula: "You know you fart when you lie, right?"
Piranha: "What? No, I fart when I'm nervous."
Murray: "He lied again."
Tarantula: "Yeah. Nervous about lying."
Piranha's stomach growls. "Sorry."
Red: "Oh no. Hold your breath!"
He farts and the car is filled with green gas.
Everyone: "Piranha!"
They stick their heads out of the windows to breathe fresh air.
Shark: "I breathed it in!"
Sulley: "Ugh. The one smell I hate!"
The scent travels towards the cops chasing them and they crash after being grossed out.
Wolf: "Yeah, they're a bit eccentric, but when you're born us, you don't exactly win many popularity contests."
A flashback scene shows Shark walking around the beach while everyone freaks out and runs away.
Wolf. "Do I wish people didn't see us as monsters?
Another flashback scene shows Tarantula and Sulley running on treadmills.
Tarantula: "Eight legs, eight times the cardio."
Sulley: "Makes it easier for you to stay in shape."
A guy next to them freaks out and slips off his treadmill.
Wolf: "Sure, I do."
Piranha and Skipper show up inside a hot tub with people inside.
Piranha: "What's up, papa?"
Skipper: "Nice night to get hot, huh?"
The people run out of the hot tub.
Wolf: "But these are the cards we've been dealt, so we might as well play 'em!"
Snake opens the safe: "Jackpot!"
They celebrate as some of the money flies out. They take a sharp turn into an alley towards another road. They stop and the empty safe flies out the door in front of the police station. The cops see the bad guys. Snake closes the door.
Tarantula: "What the thorax?"
Piranha: "Are you crazy?"
Murray: "Look what you've done now."
Wolf: "What? I just wanted a longer car chase. It's the best part."