I've been keeping this away from you all for a while... I thought maybe it should come out of my drafts:) love you all for the support and love you continue to give to my story.
Lena Boggs
The cool wind blew against my face as the clouds began to darken, I tighten my jacket around my body as a shiver crept up my spine. My world felt so small on the island now— I felt out of place.
My fathers' name was staring back at me from his headstone, shining in bright gold with a fresh bouquet of flowers right about him. I smile softly, despite the heavy weight in my chest. "Hi, daddy," I whispered.
Another gust of wind, this one more comforting. Almost like a hello in return.
My eyes glisten with tears as I bend down to run my fingertips along his name. "I'm sorry it's been so long." I apologize, even though I knew it was more than okay.
"Five years is a long time, I know..." I stand back up, wiping a tear that had managed to escape my eye. "But I like to think you're proud of me... I hope you're proud of me."
I know that he is. Somehow, I just do.
Arms wrap around my waist, pulling me back into a hard chest. I surrender to the touch immediately, relaxing into them. "Hey, you." He nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck.
His touch calmed my nerves, bringing me down from where I was and grounding me again. My body felt at home and as I blinked my tears away, I turned my face to the side so I could see his eyes.
"I'm happy you came to say hi." My nose rubs against his as he chuckles, eyeing the grave. "Hi, Mr. Boggs... I just wanted to say..." He stops, pausing to look at me and then backs away from me.
He holds onto my hands, pulling me away from my father. "You wait right here." He tells me, and although visiting my dad at the cemetery for the first time in five left a weight on my chest, watching his idiotic behaviour brought a wide grin to my face.
He always did have a way of making the weight of the world so much more bearable.
He bends down so he's on his knees, cupping his hands around his mouth. Hushed whispering for a few seconds before standing back up, "Thank you for creating her for me." My heart flutters in my chest.
He stands in front of me again, taking my hands into his. "We'll go when you're ready." He promises, and I smile with a soft nod of my head.
"With you? I'm always ready."
Life after high school was messy and chaotic. But in the best way humanly possible. Nothing compared to the new adventures I got to experience when I moved away from the island... Alone. As scary and as uncomfortable as it felt, it was something I knew I needed to do for myself.
I spent so much of my life putting others before me, missing out on experiences that I regretted. Worrying about how other people felt about me.
I wasn't Lena Boggs from The Cut any more. I wasn't Lena who was best friends with John B and... JJ. It wasn't Lena who was in love with JJ. I was simply just Lena.
Who I was, and who I turned into were two completely different people now. And here I am, standing outside of my childhood elementary school with my portfolio in hand and a tight pencil skirt with a blouse tucked in.
"Ms. Boggs, huh?" I jump at the new voice behind me, turning around to come face to face with those blue eyes I can never seem to forget. My heart thumps against my chest, and I let out a breath I didn't realize I sucked in.
A chuckle leaves my throat, as I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "How crazy is that?"
"Which part? You becoming a teacher? Or willingly stepping foot inside that school again?" JJ jokes, nodding towards our old elementary school. I laugh, taking another glance at the building.
"You have to miss it sometimes, though," I admit. "Times used to be so simple there. It was the beginning of our lives."
Silence falls over us when I turn back to face him, he's not looking at me this time though. He's looking at the school, with a nostalgic look on his face.
He smiles softly, meeting my gaze again. "Want to go for a walk? Or... Do you somewhere you need to be?"
I glance at my car parked in the practically empty parking lot, an internal debate in my mind before turning back to him. "A walk sounds nice."
The air felt tense around us, we were no longer teenagers with no responsibilities. With no real-life experiences. We no longer only knew each other.
It's crazy to me. JJ was my entire world for so long, and there was a time when I couldn't imagine my life without him. The idea of not being in love with JJ just seemed so— impossible.
But here he was, a baseball cap on his head and hands tucked into his jean pockets. Almost exactly the same except now? Now he was older, wiser, happier. I could see it. The way he held himself it was clear that the name Maybank no longer dragged him through the dirt.
He took his family's name, and he turned it into something that no one ever saw coming. He rebuild himself on his own, and even though I wasn't there to see it— I heard about it. I always checked in on him, even if it wasn't directly through him.
The only difference? I only see JJ Maybank now. But My JJ.
"This is weird, isn't it?" I asked with a light chuckle, watching as JJ smiles softly staring ahead of him.
"Maybe. But it feels nice..." His chest rises and then falls. "I missed you." My breath gets caught in my throat at his confession. I don't think there will ever be a time when JJ doesn't have some kind of an effect on me.
"I missed you the whole time you were away..." JJ stops to look at me. There's something in his eyes, something that whispers the words he could never bring himself to say. The wind catches his hair, and those blue eyes dazzle back into mine.
It's almost like those clichè moments in the movies people cry too. The inevitable heartbreak that no matter what the characters try, they can't escape from. But this heartbreak doesn't feel the way you'd expect; It's almost as though it only hurts because we're coming to terms with the fact that this is how it's always going to be.
"I never got the chance to say I'm sorry, Lena. I never got the chance to tell you how sorry I am for what I did and how I let things happen between us... I know it's far too late but I need you to know that." My heart pounds against my chest so hard I'm afraid it'll combust right here and now.
"After your dad died–" JJ starts, but my eyes have already started watering. I touch my fingertips to his lips, stepping closer.
"After my dad died..." He inhaled as I speak, eyes flickering between mine.
"Was horrible. And hard. And you disappeared on me..."
JJ's eyes flash with guilt, but my watery eyes soften. My palm resting on his cheek, he leans into my touch. And for a second, one second, I allow myself to remember what it was like to touch him while I loved him.
"But that's okay... I've already forgiven you, JJ. You could break my heart a million times over and I'll always forgive you, you have to know that by now." There's silence between us again as I drop my hand from him, stepping back and continuing down the path that leads to the beach.
JJ's knuckles brush against mine every so often as we walk in peaceful silence, and I ignore the way I keep seeing his eyes keep flickering toward me out of the corner of my eye.
I feel young again on this beach, thinking about the ways that everything has changed. My knees pulled up to my chest as I sit beside my young heart's beloved. My greatest heartbreak that holds on my best memories from the island.
"How do you forgive me?" He asks.
My body shivers.
"Back then... And now?"
I continue watching the waves crash on the shore, there's a soft smile on my face that contradict the tears in my eyes— The stinging in my heart.
"For the longest time, I asked myself that question too. I couldn't understand it, the way I always let you back in after you hurt me... And to be honest, I don't think I'll ever have an answer," I respond honestly. "There was a point in time where life without you was almost unbearable, but at the same time I also thought the same way about my parents..."
My dad's and mom's face flash across my memory. "But then my dad died, and the sun still rose. I moved away from my mom, and everybody around me kept living their life because ultimately, anything that happens to us... The way we respond to it is how we're going to live our lives." My eyes meet his again, and I can see the way they are glossed over. Threatening to spill.
"I started looking at what happened with us that way. I could spend the rest of my life loving you, and hating you for leaving me after my dad died... Or I could look at you, and see my first love... That doesn't mean you needed to be my last." A tear escapes JJ's eyes, slowly slipping down his cheek.
"Ayden shouldn't have said the things he did to you, JJ..." My voice drops down to a whisper, letting the sky keep our secrets once again. "You were never less than because of the way you grew up, or the name that you carried... My greatest wish for you back then, was that you could see yourself the way I did... Ayden had no right to have made you feel that way, and use your insecurities against you."
"He was jealous, I get it-" JJ tries to reason, but I shake my head. "He had no right..." I say, sternly.
"And you had no right to decide what was best for me, because in that moment in time... I wanted you to be what was best for me," JJ's hand lands on top of mine.
"JJ Maybank, you'll always be My JJ... But as much as I wanted us to be, we're not the ones destined to be together... Leaving home and... Learning who I am when I'm not in love with you, was the best thing that could have ever happened to me." Tears are running down both our faces now. Squeezing each other's hands like we were going to slip away.
"You've always been one of the best things to ever have happened to me, even if time wasn't on our side. Even if we don't get to be together the way our young hearts wanted... You're My JJ, and I'm your Lee B and that's why I can always forgive you."
JJ pulls me towards him, head falling into the crook of my neck. As I hold him tightly allowing him to cry quietly, his hands gripping my shirt.
"I missed you too, JJ."
We spent that time finishing the war in our hearts, healing and closing that part of our story. Holding each other as we accepted that we weren't meant to be together, and I know that even though I'm no longer in love with him...
My heartbreak that I feel is for the girl who allowed herself to let a boy who didn't know how to treat her right even though he wanted to, climb through her window and beg that maybe this time, this fuck, this touch, this kiss, he'll finally love her the way she wanted. My heart breaks for the little girl who fell in love in the middle of a dance floor with her best friend, her idiotic best friend with a broken home and so much love in his heart that he didn't know how to express it.
I mourn for what she lost, but I look forward to what I gained.
JJ's eyeing my hand as we compose ourselves.
He inhales a shaky breath. "Do you have a date set, yet?"
My heart fills with joy, despite the situation, as I lift my left hand to eye view. The way the diamond glistens in the sun makes my heart leap in my chest.
"We do... October 18th."
JJ stares at the ring on my finger, as I watch him. There's no jealousy on his face, not even a little bit of sadness. Maybe some mourning, like me, over what his teenage self wanted, but he genuinely looked... Happy.
"You'll make a beautiful bride, Lee B." He chuckles softly. "I'll have to warn that Kook about what he's getting himself into, agreeing to marry you." I playfully shove his shoulder.
"I think Ayden's earned a better title than, that Kook now, Maybank." I laugh with him.
And suddenly, we're ourselves again. That playful banter, just this time... There are no hidden feelings or broken promises. Just us.
Lee B and JJ.
"Do you ever wonder what would have happened? You know if we actually stayed together?" JJ asks randomly.
I find myself thinking about it, trying to envision a future where JJ and I stay together, and what that would have looked like.
"Did you ever think about what we'd name our kids?" He asks again, not waiting for me to answer the first. My eyes widen, "You? With kids?" JJ laughs, shrugging.
"Maybe? I don't know. I've thought about it!" He smiles wholeheartedly, and I smile back. "I've never thought of kid names, have you?"
JJ stares off into the distance. "Charlie for a boy... I'm not sure about a girl, I think I can't see myself being a father to a little girl."
I stare at his side profile, and I can't help but giggle as I stare ahead of me too.
Suddenly I'm envisioning him with a little girl in his arms, bouncing her up and down in the water as he makes faces at her. It's a sight I'd kill to see.
"I can. See you as a father to a girl, I mean. I think she'd be your firstborn, and I can't wait until I see that."
Shortly after my dad died, JJ distanced himself from me. At first, I didn't understand why. In my final year of high school, the group had divided. Suddenly it was only hanging out when JJ wasn't around, or Lena wasn't around.
It hurt. When I needed him most he abandoned me again, and as much as it hurt. That's what I needed.
As much as we love someone, that doesn't mean they are the one for us.
It was two years after I moved away for school on the mainland when I ran into Ayden again. Two years after JJ and I lost contact when I found out the real reason why JJ turned on me. And once again, he let his insecurities get the best of him.
The way he responded to what Ayden said to him, the way he decided to view his life, was the reason we didn't work out. As angry as I was with Ayden at first, in time I truly tried with him... Allowed myself to love someone who wasn't JJ, and the peaceful waves Ayden brought me came back.
I spent so much time comparing everyone to JJ, waiting for somebody who didn't know how to love me– to finally start loving me.
That summer changed my life in many ways, and sure, sometimes I wonder what would be different now if different choices were made. Or the timing was right.
Even though toxic love isn't romantic, there's growth that comes from it. And it all depends on the choices you make and the way you respond to things.
Ayden and I would be married, and soon after JJ would meet a girl named Sienna.
Sienna and JJ would become parents to a little girl, named Emily. And I was right, seeing JJ as a father to a little girl turned him into one of the best versions of himself.
Ayden and I would become parents to two boys, Logan and Archer. And their aunt, Addie would spoil them so much that Ayden would become slightly annoyed by the way the boys would sometimes favour her over him.
And in times when my best friends would come over, I'd watch as JJ interacted with my children, and his children. I'd watch the way he'd love Sienna, and cherish everything he got with them.
And I'd know that yes, maybe JJ and I could have had a beautiful future. But this one is just as beautiful.
"Okay! Soups on!" Ayden hollers as he placed the perfectly cooked turkey down in the middle of the table.
"Six years of marriage, and six perfect Christmas birds." He stands proudly as people pile into the kitchen, Sarah Cameron and her pregnant belly, as John B pulls a car out for her.
Kiara places a kiss on her fiancés temple as she sits beside her, Pope and Francesca— And there's JJ, next to him Sienna and their adorable toddler on his lap. My heart feels full as Ayden places a kiss on the tip of my nose.
"Mama? Can you sit by me?" Logan tugs on my sleeve, and look down into his big doe chocolate brown eyes, just like his fathers. He's four now, and it feels like time is going by far to fast. I giggle, bending down to squeeze his cheeks and kiss his forehead.
"Of course, I will Lo."
A wail turns my attention toward the baby monitor. JJ chuckles, "It seems that you're needed, Lee B." There's something oddly familiar about that.
I kiss up at Ayden, placing a peck on his lips. "I'll grab Archer, you guys start serving yourselves."
"Do you want me to get him?" Ayden offers, and I swoon over the love in his eyes as he gazes into mine. I shake my head, "I got it, baby."
My two-month-old cries in his crib, as I lean over to pick him up and rest him in my arms.
Life feels full, and nothing like I imagined it.
But I don't think I'd ever change it for the world.
This is my paradise on earth, and I'm completely okay with that.
UNEDITED - will edited soon.