My mind was reeling.
I couldn't make sense of what Loki had been telling me. I had so many questions, but no idea where to even start.
I wanted to scream at him, yell at him, but I didn't know where to start with that either.
I pulled up my legs and rested my forehead on my knees, trying to focus on my breathing. My heart was racing in my chest.
Loki was quiet.
I felt his hand on my shoulder for a moment as if he wanted to comfort me, only to pull it away again as if he wasn't certain if I would even want to be comforted by him.
I wasn't certain either.
Slowly my breathing returned to something resembling normality.
I raised my head and looked at Loki through my tears.
He had wrapped his arms around his knees, almost mirroring my own position, one hand tangled in his hair. He looked so small, so vulnerable.
His eyes met mine, those beautiful, beloved blue eyes now filled with pain and fear. And shame. It was almost more than my heart could bear.
"There is more..." he whispered before I could reach out to him.
"Loki..." I wasn't sure if I wanted to know.
"Now you know this much, you may as well know all of it," he said, sounding miserable.
I nodded silently. Perhaps it would at least answer some of the questions I had.
"I awoke in August 2018. I was tied up and had a dagger to my throat.
To my horror, I realised the person holding it was wearing my face, holding that dagger with my hand, and was speaking to me in my voice.
I couldn't understand what was happening, I was weak, sick, dizzy and disoriented. But he kept talking, seemingly loving the sound of his own voice, glad to have an audience."
Loki gave me a humourless grin. "I suppose he gets that from me."
"That was after he escaped the Illuminati," I realised, slowly beginning to put the pieces together. "Richard warned me when that happened, but he never sought me out."
"No, he didn't. He had other plans for you, far more devious than you could have imagined." Loki's eyes didn't meet mine.
"He calls himself Beaumont now, preferring to leave the trappings of the past behind him.
He awoke after my attempted suicide, thinking it had succeeded.
For decades he lived my life, as I lay in slumber, taking advantage of the wealth I had acquired and the aliases I built to further his own ambitions.
It was he who got involved with the Morninglight Cult. It was he who was on the island the day the Lady Margaret returned and it was he who took Excalibur realising he could use it to unleash the Dreamer that was trapped in the Gaia engine below the island. It was he who you fought and ultimately defeated."
"But why? Why did you not tell me that? Why hide from me that you weren't the one responsible?"
I couldn't understand at all. For all these years I had thought Loki was to blame for the horrors that had been inflicted on the people of the island, people I cared about, people I had to come to think of as my responsibility.
"Would you have believed me?" Loki asked bitterly.
"When was I supposed to have told you? When you so easily defeated me when we first met, when I was on the island under the guise of 'Lucas Lefay'?
What was I supposed to say: 'It wasn't me, it was my evil twin?'
You didn't give me a chance to talk, you were more than eager to break my ribs with that blasted hammer!"
So that was when we first met. Lucas Lefay. My head was spinning.
Everything I had thought I knew about my husband seemed like a lie.
I stood up and started pacing. I felt so angry, so betrayed. I felt like a fool.
"You could have told me later, you could have told me when I took you into my home, or after you proposed, or after we got married... there was plenty of time!
You lied to me!"
"I did."
"You hid all of this from me!"
"I did."
"You told me you loved me!"
"I do!"
Loki had stood up as well. He reached out but I angrily pushed his hands away.
"Sorcha! Whatever I am, whatever I have done, whatever I have lied about... I never lied to you about that.
I love you, I have always loved you and I will love you for the rest of my life!"
"And how can I believe that?"
Loki's shoulders slumped, his hands dangling limply by his side. He looked down for a moment, unable to meet my eyes.
Finally, he looked up again, his head slightly tilted as if he was uncertain how I would react to his next words.
"Because you promised.
Because you knew.
Because I warned you."
His voice grew stronger, a sudden anger flared in his eyes. His hands balled into fists.
"I warned you I would lie to you, I warned you I would hide things from you!
And you know what you said? Bring it on!
That's what you said!
You promised you'd stand by me, you promised you wouldn't leave me, you promised I would never be alone again!
You swore, in front of the spirit of my dead mother, you would love me forever!"
Loki's voice became quiet again, his eyes pleading with mine.
"I love you, you know that. You know me, you know me better than anyone."
"Do I?" I asked bitterly. "Do I know you at all? Up until half an hour ago, I didn't even know the day we first met."
Loki looked away.
"This is why I didn't tell you. I knew I would lose you.
How can I possibly tell you the rest?"
The rest? What more could there be?
I tiredly rubbed my eyes.
Less than an hour ago we were sitting in the study, both of us working away, simply enjoying each other's company.
Now it felt like our marriage was built on quicksand, and everything we had created together was falling apart.
"What did Beaumont want from you? Why did you pretend to be the philanthropist Lucas Lefay? What more is there you aren't telling me?"
I knew the answers would lead to more heartbreak and pain, I could see it in Loki's eyes. But I had to know.
"After his escape from the Illuminati Beaumont knew he needed more power, the world had suddenly become a far more dangerous place for him.
I had squirrelled away magic trinkets, spellbooks and scrolls in my Place of Power over the centuries, and its location was only known to me. To us, I should now say.
You can imagine his surprise when he found me in slumber there. I was supposed to have died after all.
Quickly he realised he could turn the situation to his advantage, that he could use me. Weak and wounded as I was, a broken husk without a soul, he was the stronger one of us.
He had awoken with my soul, my memories, all my powers and a brand new body without the wounds and scars that marred mine.
He cast a spell that bestowed his memories of the last century on me, so I wouldn't be at a loss in regard to modern technology and such, your kind having advanced rapidly since I last walked amongst you.
Then he awoke me. He talked for a long time, ranting and raving about how he had been denied his true destiny by one who was no more than an insolent child.
About how he had new plans, better plans. Plans he did not want to have interrupted by you yet again.
I knew all of this, courtesy of the memories he had just bestowed on me, but that didn't stop him from talking for hours."
Loki's eyes met mine. "You are really quite the thorn in his side. He couldn't stop talking about you.
He hates you and yet envies your powers. He covets them.
He desires you and loathes you at the same time."
I didn't really know what to say to that. I thought we had made our peace about that a long time ago, that all of that was in the past. And now Beaumont had been out there all the time, planning, plotting, scheming his revenge?
"And what part are you supposed to play in these plans of his? What part am I to play?"
Loki sighed and rubbed his brow.
"I love you, he began, "I've always..."
"Yes, you've said that before. Words come easy to you, don't they? You always know just what to say. I need the truth, Loki. What part have we been playing?"
I swallowed away the bitter taste of bile in my throat. I had a feeling I already knew the answer.
"He put a geas on me, a mind control spell I had no choice but to obey. He doesn't like me and doesn't trust me.
But he reckoned that while his old body was still living and breathing, and wasn't completely bereft of magic, he might as well put me to use.
I was to take the guise of Lucas Lefay, a businessman with a newfound interest in philanthropy, and ingratiate myself into your life.
I was to get close to you.
Close enough to win your trust, close enough to seduce you slowly into joining our side.
And if that wasn't possible, at least close enough to find a way to destroy you permanently."
I couldn't even look at Loki. I stumbled into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water, my hands shaking so badly I spilled most of it.
Loki followed me.
"Sorcha..."
"So it was all a lie? Everything between us? All a ruse to get me to want you, to get me to love you?
How the two of you must have laughed!" My voice was high and shrill in my own ears. "Did you take turns? Was it always you or did he get his fair share of shagging me?"
Loki's face turned grey, his eyes wide as if I had just slapped him.
"It wasn't like that! It was never like that! I would never..."
"You played me for a fool!
I believed you, I actually believed that someone like you could be in love with me!
That you could love me!"
The tears were rolling hotly down my cheeks, wracking sobs coming from my chest.
"I really believe you loved me!"
"I did... I do! I really, really do!"
Loki hesitated for a moment then wrapped his arms around me.
I wanted to push him away, tell him to let me go. Instead, I leaned against him and buried my face against his chest. Gently he stroked my hair until I calmed down a bit.
I looked up at him, his face as tearstained as mine.
"I never meant to fall for you, but Norns help me, I did. I fell in love with you almost from the start.
Remember how I dropped my disguise when we met, when I was supposed to be Lucas Lefay? For a long time, I wondered why I did that, but now I know it was simply the surprise at the link that was instantly forged between your heart and mine.
I love you, I have always loved you. I have never lied to you about that. I am yours, and I always will be.
Broken, soulless, flawed and scarred, but always yours.
If you will still have me."
I pulled his head down, his lips on mine, and kissed him, our tears mingling together.
"I love you, heaven help me, but I love you," I whispered. "And no matter how battered and bruised my heart gets, I can't seem to stop."
Our foreheads rested together for a moment, both of us clinging to each other for support.
"He has not been near you, not since you and I met," Loki reassured me. "I convinced him a long time ago that it would be better if I were the only one who had dealings with you lest you would suspect something.
He doesn't want you in that way anyway. He desires your power, not your body."
"I'm not sure if I should be happy or insulted at that. Probably both," I murmured before I could stop myself. Loki flashed me a quick grin.
"Why did you not tell me?" I asked again." We could have dealt with this together."
"I was afraid.
We both had so many doubts and were so uncertain this thing between us could work. We were both so scared it would end up in tears and ruin, and this would have only added to the uncertainty.
I didn't know how to tell you without you doubting my feelings for you, you were already so doubtful of whether I could truly love you.
I've been playing this game for more than a year now, trying to protect you and Jessie from Beaumont by convincing him I was getting closer and closer to luring you into willingly joining our side.
I broke the geas he held over me a long time ago, I've been merely playing along.
He doesn't know I have father's armour, he doesn't know how powerful I have become. He doesn't know that I truly love you, that I would never do anything to harm you and that I would never leave your side."
"Then why not kill him, why play along?"
"Because he has my soul, and if he dies it will go straight to Niflheim.
The magic I used to create him was highly experimental, and I was never to have survived in the first place. All of this is completely without precedent, who knows what would happen to me if he dies?"
My mind was still reeling. I was going back over all the events that had happened since I first set foot on Solomon Island, all that had happened since I first encountered Beaumont.
"You left me. When you still had to wear the collar despite us knowing how to take it off, you left me.
You never warned me that Beaumont might come for me, for Jessie!"
"I know. I haven't quite forgiven myself for that, I don't think I ever will.
I couldn't tell you, I wanted you to remember me with at least a little fondness. It was selfish and cowardly, and I regretted it every day since.
Beaumont wasn't impressed, he knew I had left you and sent Halja to find me."
"Halja? Beaumont was working with her?"
"As I said, he simply picked up where I left off.
I persuaded him it was part of a game I was playing with you to make you want me more, but he wasn't convinced.
I was to be sold to the highest bidder and be made to pay for a while so I'd remember my place, after which you would eventually get an anonymous tip and would have been able to rescue a far more compliant me.
Lucky for me, you found me before that could happen, but that played into his hand as well. I was back to where I was supposed to be, by your side."
I shook my head. The whole story would have been unbelievable if it would have been anyone else but Loki.
"You fool, you big, big fool. How do you manage to be the most brilliant person I've ever met and the biggest idiot at the same time?"
"Well, you spend a lot of time with Thor so being the most brilliant mind you've ever met isn't the highest bar..." Loki began.
"You know you are insulting yourself here as well, right?" I grinned despite myself.
"I'll gladly play the fool if that's what it takes to make you smile again," Loki grinned back.
"Thor! I left Thor and Sif locked outside!" I suddenly realised.
"I was wondering why our dear sister-in-law hadn't barged in with her rocket launcher yet," Loki admitted.
"Is she always that terrifying?" I asked curiously.
"Usually, yes.
What can I say, us sons of Odin like our women just a little bit scary," Loki confessed with a smile.
"We'd better let them in before they freeze to death."
"They haven't seen each other in quite some time, I'm certain they've found a way to keep warm," Loki insinuated.
"Loki!" I giggled.
Together we walked back into the hall, Loki's arm around my shoulder, my arm around his waist.
Whatever happened next, we'd deal with it together.