It is officially the slowest updated fanfiction of all time.
And I can't stop to write a chapter, so I just cut it in half, haha.
*
On Friday, it was lunchtime when I first saw Daniel. By that time I didn't even look for him anymore, I gave up entirely.
I just hoped this weekend would pass as soon as possible so we could be together.
I was queuing in the cafeteria but couldn't miss that they were already there - Daniel talking to his aerodynamics engineer Phil. He must have noticed me too. He quickly excused himself as soon as he set his eyes on me, standing up and stepping close.
"Hi," he grinned, eyeing me head to toe. He stood right next to me, so close I felt his warmth on my arm. It was awkward, his unashamed, intense stare, and how there should have been much more done about it - so sad but we didn't.
Couldn't.
"Hi," I said, and looked straight at his lips. Such a kind smile, with those plush, absolutely kissable lips -
I gulped as he spoke and woke me up from daydreaming.
"Uhm, how was your night?" He asked, strangely over gesticulating with his hands. I blinked a couple times to process the question. I quickly placed it - he might have been referring to my time with Vicki. He didn't mean my meeting with Charles - that was sure.
"Err, it was nice," I quickly mumbled "you know, the usual".
I hoped the subject of letting him spend the rest of the night alone would be off the table then. But he was desperate to continue our chat.
"Vicki told me she was there until midnight, sounds fun," he added with a kind smile.
"Hey doc! You are holding up the line!" I heard a voice from behind me. I turned and saw five or six of Max's mechanics queuing behind us, grinning like a bunch of boy scouts.
"I, yeah, sorry," I said, and turned crimson. I quickly blinked at the counter to choose something.
"Take the lasagna."
Daniel leaned in, breathing into my ears just as if a little devil suggesting guilty pleasures. It made me giggle.
"Any good?" I smirked back at him.
He straightened up and shrugged - the guilty pleasure part evaporated at once.
"Have absolutely no idea babe, for lunch I consumed some wonderful, nutritious kale," he grimaced.
I laughed out again as I took the plate and quickly made my way to sit with Lee while Daniel went back to Phil.
I tried bad not to realise that he just casually called me babe.
I was sure it was just him being his casual self and it didn't mean anything but it was just enough to make my heart go racing. I had no idea how to feel about that, so I just tried to calm myself down by dedicating all my focus to Lee and something totally irrelevant he was explaining.
When they finished Daniel walked by me and as he passed me I felt his hand barely, but surely touching my back. It was an innocent little gesture, still it helped so much easing up, burying myself into a sweet wave of goosebumps as I grinned at my lasagna.
*
Finally, finally after FP2 was over, we found each other for more than a few minutes.
"So you don't have anywhere to go?" I asked Daniel, grinning and full of hope after I gave him another kiss.
We were sitting in my office, where he snuck in a few minutes ago. I hugged him tight and held into him as he sat down on the sofa, with me in his lap. I quickly took off his baseball cap and let my fingers get lost between his brown locks. They were still a bit sweaty, but who cared as long as I finally had them all for myself.
Daniel shook his head smiling.
"Not really," and continued to caress my back with his hands sneaking underneath my shirt. I got shivers all the way his fingers wandered, and I couldn't help myself smirking into the kiss.
I waved away the thought that we were still in a crowded motorhome where we could be bothered any minute.
I prayed silently for all the team members' good health and well being so no one would wander into the doctor's office for a prescription of antibiotics or a painkiller.
Daniel kissed me again so I forgot everything in my mind. He only broke away to continue to caress the side of my neck, peppering with small kisses just below my ear. I could feel in his every move that he missed this just as I missed him.
"At least not for the next fifteen minutes," he added as a matter of factly when he reached my collar bone and exhaled long.
I felt like someone turned on the lights in my head.
"What?!"
My outcry clearly broke the spell. He looked at me with a painful grimace.
"Yeah, sorry but we scheduled a debrief with the guys for 6. My gearbox doesn't love me as much as I love her," he explained, he really tried.
But I couldn't care less about his fucking gearbox at that moment.
I rolled off of him and let my head fall back to the headrest of the sofa. I squeezed my eyes shut then popped them open as if I hoped I'd find some calming affirmations written across the ceiling.
There wasn't any.
Didn't help that Daniel's found the side of my neck again, hinting apologetic kisses all over it.
I turned away, because I couldn't help but be angry at us, this, and about not being able to find a little time for ourselves.
I raised my hand to stop him.
"No, I… no. Just go, do whatever you are supposed to do instead of hiding here," I said, blinking away my tears, staring a hole into the ceiling.
Daniel watched me for a few more seconds before getting up from the sofa to quietly leave the room.
I felt so frustrated - even though I knew I probably had no right to - I started to cry.
I guess it's my life now.
And I didn't like it a bit.
*
Friday evening I was in my hotel room, just debating over whether to cancel the Red Bull team dinner which had already started half an hour ago when I heard a knock on my door.
I was sure it's Max or Vicki who'd like to drag me down to the restaurant to join the team.
However, it turned out it was Daniel whose head popped out from behind the door.
"Uhm. Hey," he started sheepishly. Seemed like he was afraid I'm still mad at him.
He was right then. I sulked on the bed, and tried to look serious.
He inspected me carefully, and his lips twitched almost invisibly as he noticed my pink pyjama bottom.
"I thought…"
"I wasn't in the mood," I said simply before he could finish the sentence, making it clear I was still not in the mood for a little chitty chat.
I turned away, because my throat felt too tight and my eyes went teary again.
I heard the door shut, and I was sure Daniel left.
That is my life now. I told you.
But a few seconds later I felt his hands on my shoulders, as he made me turn - just to embrace me in a firm yet lovely, long hug. I let him squeeze me, felt his warmth radiating from his chest, and I just enjoyed for a minute that he was there.
He didn't need to know I actually enjoyed this right?
"Sorry for before," he mumbled into my hair minutes after. He took a deep breath before continuing. "I… it's always like this, I can't… Gee, I want to be here with you, you know? Like, all the time."
I knew. About that I had no doubt. What bothered me most was the person I've become. I felt useless most of the time, and being that needy, waiting-around girlfriend - wait am I his girlfriend? - made me sick to my stomach. It couldn't be less like me.
Feeling so useless made me do things that were supposed to make me feel important but were not right.
Like telling off a desperate fan or comforting an ex boyfriend in my free time. And I knew these were just the start. I wouldn't stop until I was content with myself.
But… well - being right there, standing in Daniel's arms - well, it could be a start.
"I am sorry too," I sighed, squeezing my arms a little tighter around his waist and dug my face a little more into his chest.
"Hey," Daniel straightened so he could look at me. He was so tall like this I had to turn my head upwards to meet his eyes.
He was wearing a checked flannel shirt - he must have been to the dinner already.
"Do you want to go somewhere? To eat? Have a walk? Just us two."
Gosh, his smirk will kill me one day.
I shook my head.
"I'd rather stay in."
"Cool. Would you just wait for like 5 seconds more?" He asked, and with that he ran out of my room.
I blinked.
Okay, I guess.
After a few minutes he reappeared with a huge grin - and his pyjama pants.
"I saw it's the dress code here," he giggled. "Can I stay?"
Now I giggled too.
"Of course you can."
"Awesome, I just make one call and I'm done." He gave me a half hug again, keeping me close while he took out his phone.
"Hi. Yeah, she's here. No. No. Then tell them I just had a three hour long debrief with the same lot, and I need a break. Awesome. Thanks. Yeah I'll. Love ya'. Night."
I frowned at the end, listening.
"Max," Daniel explained a lot with that. "He sends his best regards and hopes you sulk enough now to be compatible for tomorrow. Also he hates us and made it clear if the dinner sucks he is coming up to join." He smirked while getting comfortable on my bed.
"But I think we are good, he has much on his mind anyways," he added when he saw my frightened look. "Just talk to him too, will you?"
Now, that proposition made me gasp.
"I'm dying to talk to him, Daniel!" I snapped. "You too in fact. I don't know if you realised, but you two guys are simply unapproachable these days," I rolled my eyes.
"Well, you can approach me now," he wiggled his brows and patted the bed beside him.
We ate dinner in bed while watching a weird Japanese television show for a while.
It was so calm, not to do anything just laying there together, unbothered.
"I could totally do this," Daniel giggled.
"Humphh?" I groaned into his chest. I guess I fell asleep a little while ago, because I had no idea what he was talking about. I squinted to the TV screen where two people dressed in grape costumes beat each other with some long poles.
I repositioned myself on his chest.
"What time is it? Don't you have a qualification tomorrow?"
"Yeah, I do," he nodded. "But everyone is still up, Max just messaged me," he pointed to his phone. "He is saying your uncle asked him where you are."
"And what did he say?" I raised my head.
"That he can't say and because he swore to his life not to tell anybody," Daniel giggled like a 3 years old.
I found this much less funny.
"Good Lord," I mumbled and let my head fall back to his chest.
The morning came too soon, and Daniel's alarm went off like a scream in the middle of my best dream. I had to switch it off, hence its owner was gently snoring next to me, totally undisturbed by the sound.
I smiled, and got off the bed to call for breakfast and get myself together for the day.
"So, I was thinking," Daniel began when we were already dressed and ready to leave. It was quite early for him to safely leave my room, and for me to join the team bus leaving the hotel in half an hour.
"When? In your sleep?" I let out a childish chuckle.
"Really funny, but no. Before," he said and kept a brief silence before going on. "So, after this weekend, there're two weeks before Austin."
"Yes," I nodded.
I knew.
I was just thinking about going home, finding a locum job to jump in for a few shifts. That could fix me up. Temporarily at least.
"Would you like to come with me to LA? I love to spend some time there between races. I have a house, so it's very discreet," he added.
A wide smile sat on my face. The idea of being with him for a few days again, undisturbed, sounded more than just awesome.
"Sure," I nodded.
"Really?" He asked. He was surprised enough for me to raise my eyebrows.
"I flew with you to Australia, didn't I?"
"Yeah, but that was not…" he kept a brief silence to take a deep breath. "Just the two of us."
My heart skipped a beat.
"It's all right," I managed to keep a straight face and nodded. "I'll miss your grandma though."
Daniel just laughed out and stepped closer.
"I definitely won't," he said. He leaned in and kissed me like it made me forget my own name too, not to mention his granny. My lips parted and he took the chance to slip in his tongue. It was so nice and warm I felt my inside heat up at once. I heard him take a deep breath through his nose, as if he was taking in the smell.
Half my intestines were already liquified when he broke away, grinning.
"It's only two days."
*
"So," Max began while we were walking to the canteen to have lunch. It was before qualification, the guys just finished FP3. The cars topped the charts, so there was no need to worry. Spirits were high in the garage, there was no need for over-hour debriefings. Max and Daniel invited Vicki, Aurelie, and me for lunch.
"I was thinking," Max continued.
"Surprising," Daniel coughed and he turned back to wink at me. I suppressed a chuckle when I saw Max's annoyed grimace.
"How about we go and check out LA?" He asked clearly, looking at me and Daniel.
Wait.
Like
The three of us?
I blinked at him, then Daniel - who only blinked back at me.
That is not helping man, thank you very much.
After which felt like a thousand years, Daniel cleared his throat.
"Ciao, FERRRARI," he half shouted when he recognised the red team approaching us.
Good lord, he thought chatting with the Ferrari crew is better than admitting Max that he might be a third wheel?
"G'day for the prancing horses!"
Yes, he really thought so.
I recognized before him that it's Charles' half of the team. Xavier - a Spanish race engineer - bid his head to me with a shy smile which I tried to return, already fearing what'd come next. Because of course in the middle of the little group there came his driver as well.
Charles simply nodded to Daniel with a polite smile - he saved the honest grin to me. His face lit up as our gazes met.
"Hey, Clara!" He waved.
"Hey, Clara!" Max mimicked Charles and any child in kindergarten would envy his performance. "Aaaand, here we come again," he added bitterly.
"Sweet fuck," I whispered and wished the perfect asphalt below us just would open and swallow me whole.
The Monégasque who nearly passed us with his crew just stopped and turned back slowly.
"Pardon?" His eyes narrowed at his Dutch rival. "What is your problem Verstappen? I can't even say hi to her?" Charles worked himself up pretty bad. "Hold your horses, we only had coffee, and a pretty pleasant chat."
"Oh, leave it," I said and with both of my hands I tried to push Max out of the danger zone, not even looking back at Charles.
The others luckily followed, but I wasn't out of the water just yet.
"What was this all about?" Vicki asked, her brows furrowed. It was quickly followed by Max's angry "Wait, why do you still have coffee with him? Jesus Clara, when is this gonna end?"
But from all that, the worst was Daniel's silence. He simply ran his hand through his hair once, and continued to walk in the direction of the cafeteria, leaving the rest of the group there.
I gulped because yeah, I manage to fuck up once more.
Why can't everything just be still just once? Be simple? Easy? Or at least only semi-complicated?
I couldn't even bother about Max's rage or Vicki's told-you-so face.
It was just too much.
"I'm not hungry anymore," I said and spun on my heels to hurry back to where we came from - the garage.
I almost ran back to the Red Bull Garage. We only had an hour before qualification, so my plan was to hide there, not to be bothered by anyone for a good sixty minutes.
Then I have all the time to figure out how to deal with this shit I seemed to cause myself.
Again.
Thoughts like this chased me down the corridor leading to my room. I opened the door with a good deal of force, just to let some steam off, and totally planned to shut it making it clear to everyone that it's a suicide mission to come in there now.
"Hi."
I jumped back as quickly as I exploded into the room but so did three quarters of the Raikönnen family.
My legs rooted to the threshold of my own office and I blinked twice to mentally remember my run of shame and also if I took the right turn on the paddock strip.
Am I at Alfa Romeo? I glanced around.
Definitely not. Apart from the still silently staring Finns in the middle of the room, it was undoubtedly Red Bull area and - in fact - my room.
"We…uhm." Kimi continued talking since I didn't even say hi to them. "The kids are sick. I thought maybe you could help."
Slowly I began to understand the situation and managed to nod.
"Yeah, sorry. Hi," I shook my head and smiled at the children and Minttu. Kimi's wife eased up and smiled back. I didn't know them personally but saw them around the paddock every now and then. Although I had no idea why and how they happened to be here, I didn't bother to ask.
I didn't feel like it, and I could see Kimi was grateful for that.
"Hey there sweetie," I squatted down to the little Rianna. She seemed calm but her cheeks were a bit too rosy for the weather.
"She has a fever," Mintuu explained. "And Robin has a sore throat and ear."
I looked at the children with sympathy, and was already looking for a few things that can be used as toys.
"Here, take this," I handed a little red ball to Robin, and he cheered up immediately.
It was actually Daniel's, he and Michael used some of them for warmup. He left it in my room earlier that day. I planned to give it back, but now I was not that eager about the idea.
I took my time to examine them. With kids you have to be careful and nice but mostly patient. They are fussy and irritated since they're ill, also a complete stranger starts bothering them with examinations.
I showed everything on Rianna's little plush dolphin what I was going to do. She nodded after every step and let me repeat it on her.
"OK, it seems like a bacterial infection," I turned to the Raikönnen parents. "There's a need for antibiotics, some rest and plenty of fluids," I explained. "And a lot of hugs and cuddles," I added with a wink, smirking at Rianna.
On the table, my phone started to vibrate. I saw Daniel's name flash on the screen. My stomach dropped, as I reached to ignore it.
I'll call him back. But first, I needed to finish what I was doing.
My job, finally.
"I'll prescribe the meds in a second so you can take it from any pharmacy. Plus, if you can postpone flying for a few days, that would be helpful for Robin's ear. It's quite painful flying with otitis media."
"I don't know what that means," Kimi shrugged.
"Oh, yes," I realised I used latin. "Sorry. It's the infection and inflammation of the middle part of the ear," I explained quickly.
"Okay," Minttu nodded. "And how long before it heals?" She asked me nervously.
"It should take a couple of days, and they're as good as it gets," I smiled.
"Thank you Clara," Kimi managed to give me half a smile, so it was a big sign of gratitude.
"No worries," I shook my head while I high fived Robin. "If you have any questions, I think you know where to find me." I giggled, but Kimi nodded with a serious face and looked at Minttu. He said something in Finnish, and then translated it to me.
"I need to go now. Qualification starts in about 10 minutes. Thank you again."
He turned back from the door.
"Hurry, I think he's already doing that…," Kimi might have grown tired of English so scoffed and raised his hands to mimic some headphones over his ears and did some awkward headbanging.
I felt my lips sliding into a wide grin. This impression could be envied even by Daniel.
At the same time it crossed my mind that how on earth could Kimi know that the Australian called me?
I frowned but he just waved it down. He couldn't seem less enthusiastic about it.
"Don't. I just happen to know things."
And with that, the Raikönnen family vanished from my office like they were never there.
I exhaled long in the empty office, but I realised Kimi was indeed right - if I want to talk to Daniel I need to find him asap. And I wanted to. There were only a few minutes left till the qualifying start.
I hurried along the corridors to the garage, pushed through some lingering technicians here and there - only to feel my heart sink heavy in my chest at the sight of Daniel already wearing his full gear, helmet and HANS included - I couldn't just go there like that.
Shit.
I stepped to the side and leaned against the counter. I could only hope he sees me.
I was biting on my lips as I remembered his expression before lunch.
I'm such a shitty girlfriend.
"Doctor Horner, sorry I need some files from there." A young engineer pointed to the rack behind me, tip of his ears turning reddish. I excused myself and stepped a little more behind. It was obvious that I had nothing to do there, only to disturb the team, so I lurked back to the backstage area.
"Hey," Vicki found me shortly with a compassionate pat on my back. "No worries, right?"
I shook my head.
"I'm such an idiot."
Vicki kept on her smile.
"You love him, he loves you, so you can get through some teatime with Ferrari's golden boy alright?"
Her nothing-is-more-obvious-face made me chuckle out and I felt a little lighter on the inside.
"Your pregnancy hormones are making you nicer," I said but she shushed me down then took a glance around to make sure nobody heard us.
"Hey, keep it down, I don't want Christian to get the news from someone else."
"Alright alright, he won't get it from me." I calmed her. "But do you have a plan for a substitute or something?"
"I'm working on it," she nodded a little more seriously. "We don't have much time left from the season so I need to act fast."
She was right, only a couple of races were left on the calendar and she needed to find a substitute for herself. It was not an easy task given that she was not only the head communications manager for Red Bull but Max's press officer. I gulped when I thought about Max's temper and pickiness. I didn't envy whoever might land in the position.
We ended up watching the qualy together. It was a smooth ride for our cars - Max finished on the pole, Daniel was a close second - but the same couldn't be said about Mercedes. First Bottas' car slipped on a curb and ended up in the wall, totally smashing his front. But after a few minutes in Q3 to much surprise Hamilton spun and crashed near to the pit exit.
The TV broadcast ended up showing a Toto Wolff close up, clearly hoping that he smashes something. They had no luck, he only buried his head in his hands and shook it in disbelief.
"Ouch, that debrief will hurt someone," Vicki bit her lips.
"Not more than the all night long repair marathon for the mechanics," I grimaced.
At the end of the qualification celebrations, I returned to my office with new hope. I was planning to wait for Daniel there. Vicki promised me she'd keep his line of interviews as short as possible.
*
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
Despite all the 25 years of education, shaping and working up myself to be a decent, civilised human being it was the only response I could give as I stepped into the medical office again.
"I hate to disappoint."
Toto Wolff was sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, with a washcloth in his hand, his eyes laid on me.
"What is wrong with this place?" I asked, but he of course didn't know what I meant.
"Why are you here? How are you here?" I asked the more obvious questions hanging in the air.
"Well, since Red Bull already managed to snatch half of my team members, I can say I have my contacts here," he said with an amazingly straight, emotionless face.
A shark. I told you so.
"As to the why," he scratched his nape as the slightest sign of uncertainty rose in him. "I suppose you saw our so-called qualification results."
I nod with a grimace.
"I have had a terrible headache since then, and it happened before. I'm afraid it might be my blood pressure."
It slowly clicked, and I sighed long.
Ok, it seems like I have the whole grid coming here now.
Whatever.
"Ok, take off your shirt, I need to take your blood pressure and we'll see," I asked him as I made my way to the cupboard to find the meter.
There wasn't a knock or question, Daniel simply bursted into my office the next second.
"What the hell?" He blinked at the Mercedes team principal sitting in the chair half naked. Then me, standing next to him.
I can't believe this.
"Oh, the bliss of variety," Toto murmured under his breath.
"Clara?" Daniel asked with an uncertain tone, as if he was not sure I was there of my free will.
I stepped ahead and showed the monitor to the Australian so he could make the puzzle in his head.
"I'm fine. Just working." I mumbled.
Fucking finally.
"Oh," Daniel seemed to get the picture. "Never mind then. Uhhm… find me later, okay?" he babbled and glanced at Toto once again before he left the room.
Toto indeed had high blood pressure, and I explained to him if he intended to govern further at Mercedes he needed to take something for that. It wasn't an easy conversation, but I succeeded in prescribing some meds and he made me a promise to have them. With that, he walked out of the office so casually as if he was in his own living room.