*trigger warning of thoughts of suicide and feelings of worthlessness (as if I have to mention it after the last few chapters)
Jotaro, Avdol, Kakyoin, Jolyne, and Polnareff simply walked through the hallway of the building he lived in. The only ones talking were Polnareff and Avdol, as they told them about living in Italy. Every once and a while, Jolyne would ask some questions.
Jotaro was just quiet as he listened. Every once and a while, he would take a glance at Kakyoin, but he would quickly look away.
He shouldn't be in his presence.
He tried swallowing the lump in his throat. He looked at him again.
Kakyoin kept up with them despite looking tired. His hand gripped the handle of his cane tightly. Why was he wasting his energy trying to help Jotaro?
Kakyoin noticed Jotaro staring a bit longer than before. He gave him a supporting smile.
Jotaro responded by looking down at his feet. He watched his feet take a step each. He became so fixated on it that he didn't recognize that they were waiting for him to answer a question he didn't hear. "Hm?"
Polnareff asked, "Have you considered therapy?"
Jotaro was puzzled. He had no idea how the conversation of the couple's life in Italy turned into this. He started with sighed, "I'm..." He stopped himself before saying the word 'fine'. They all knew he wasn't fine. He, himself, finally knew that wasn't the case. What else could he say but "no"?
"Maybe you should give it a try," Polnareff suggested nonchalant. "It took some time getting used to, but it helped a lot. You know, about my sister, the trip to Egypt and losing my legs. It can maybe help you as well. You learn things you never thought to notice."
Therapy? Wouldn't that mean he will have to tell someone all his secrets. They would know how disgusting he is. What terrible things he has done. How worthless-.
"Jojo," Avdol called, breaking into his thoughts. "They are not there to judge you. They are there to help you to help yourself." He gave him a friendly pat on his back.
Jotaro wasn't sure how to respond. He just continued walking without saying a word. It wasn't judging if it was true. He barely had any value or purpose. He wasn't worth anything. He was lost in his thoughts once again.
"Jojo," Kakyoin's voice called.
Jotaro was snapped out of his thoughts as he saw that they reached the living area.
"Maybe we should sit down," Kakyoin suggested. His hand reached Jotaro's arm, but he stopped himself. A look of pity appeared on his face. He quickly averted his eyes as he said, "It's not safe to walk around so deep in your head."
"Fine," Jotaro said without arguing. He didn't want Kakyoin to overexert himself anyways. He went over to a couch and sat down.
Kakyoin sat across from him on another couch. He wasn't directly in front of him. Jolyne sat beside Jotaro while Avdol sat on the other side. Polnareff was parked on the other side of Avdol.
Avdol said, "This was a good idea, Noriaki. At least you are still getting fresh air, Jojo."
Jotaro grunted a response. He noticed that Kakyoin made sure not to get close to Jotaro.
Maybe it was for the best.
Jotaro folded his arms in front of him as he noticed that Avdol was carrying a conversation with Jolyne. He tried his best to listen, but it was nearly impossible. What happened to his concentration and attention span these last couple of days?
He tightened his arms around himself. It felt like the only way not to lose himself.
Maybe himself was something he needed to lose. He wasn't much of a good person anyways. What was he good for, if not money and an onihole?
Jotaro tightened his arms around himself tighter. He didn't think he could get any tighter than that. If his hands weren't pinning himself down, his hands probably would be shaking.
"Dad, are you okay?"
"Is he okay?" It wasn't any of their voices."
No nonono. Go away. Stop pretending you care. Why did you try to treat me like one of the best people the other night?
They were talking amongst each other that he couldn't comprehend, but it was most likely nothing good.
His breaths were getting faster and deeper. He was beginning to tremble as he felt more isolated.
Then arms.
He felt arms wrap around him tightly. There was warmth and safety in those arms. He hasn't felt those arms before, but he recognized the arms of his friend that he loved.
Why now? He didn't have to.
But he wanted it.
He got it.
A hug with him. An embrace. The warmth of the man he could never have. The man he didn't deserve.
"Nori." He sobbed, "Nori." He dug his face into his shoulder.
Kakyoin rubbed his back as he held him tight.
Jotaro wanted to use his hands to grab on to him, but he couldn't. His arms stayed holding himself. He closed his eyes as he exhaled. He felt a hand rest on his head as if to give him permission to relax his body.
"It's alright," Kakyoin said, quietly. "No one else is around. Just let it all out."
Everyone left?
Was it alright?
Could he have his Nori?
Jotaro unfolded his arms and reached with his hands. Despite his face into Kakyoin's shoulder, he found purchase in Kakyoin's blazer. His hands balled up in the material. "Nori, please. Don't let go."
"I won't. Not until you are ready."
And Kakyoin kept his word.
Jotaro's breathing steadied. His hands were no longer shaking. He pulled himself out of Kakyoin's arms. He averted his gaze to the side. He didn't want to see what Kakyoin thought of him. He literally just cried in his arms and begged him to not let go. He could feel the guilt growing.
"Jojo," he called, softly.
Jotaro grimaced, "Don't talk to me like a sick puppy." His throat was raw. He cleared his throat. "You can stop pitying me." Even though he felt the emptiness starting to grow, he didn't want Kakyoin to look at him with pity.
"It's not pity," he replied. "I care about you. I don't want you to suffer alone."
Jotaro caught Kakyoin's hand reach out to touch his arm, but he didn't make contact. He watched as Kakyoin placed his hand onto his own lap. When he looked up at Kakyoin's face, he saw a cautious expression.
He hated it.
Jotaro didn't know what to say. He just wanted Kakyoin to love him. Anyone. He didn't want the emptiness to come back. He wanted to matter. Why couldn't he have any of those things?
Maybe if he couldn't have all of those things...
... Maybe he should
... Just
...stop...
"Jojo," Kakyoin called with growing concern. He saw something in Jotaro's eyes.
The resignation and giving up. Hopelessness.
"How about you come take a break from all this at my new home," Kakyoin said. "Remember when I told you about me moving into a house on a beach?" He was trying to sound upbeat to lighten the mood.
Jotaro didn't really want to talk. He shrugged. He remembered something about Kakyoin moving to Florida and retiring.
"Instead of living in the dorms," he continued. "Maybe it's best to move in with a friend for a while."
The gulp from Kakyoin was audible. He was obviously worried about Jotaro's disposition.
"Jojo," he said, quietly. "I'd rather you not be alone."
What does that matter? He didn't feel like doing anything. Wouldn't moving be a lot of work? Wouldn't he be a nuisance? He was already dragging everyone down. He was so tired. Oh, so tired. Too many things to worry about. It's best to just lay down and rot to death.
Just sleep.
Forever.
And ever.
"When's the last time you've been to the beach?"
Jotaro tensed up. He had no idea why that snapped him out of his thoughts.
When was the last time he had been to the beach? He loved it there. The salty water. The sun on his skin. He loved looking for different sea creatures.
Why did he stop?
Jotaro felt a giant frown form on his face as he felt longing. He held his head down as he placed his hand over his eyes. A hiccup of a sob came from his lips.
Was this seriously the second time in less than an hour, he has broken down like this?
Kakyoin placed his hand on his friend's shoulder and said, "Maybe it's time to go to the beach again." Even though Jotaro was crying all over again, he spoke in an even tone. "You can get some proper rest out in a place you love. You can stay as long as you like. How does that sound? Does that sound like something you would want?" He waited for Jotaro to look up at him.
Jotaro wiped at the tears and nodded.