I didn't sleep at all this night.
I tossed and turned, trying to get my head to shut up.
Occasionally I would cry again.
At practice the next day, I was a zombie.
I couldn't concentrate.
I failed the easiest dance steps - and all the other ones too.
My gaze always found myself in the huge mirrors on the wall.
A mean little voice in my head hissed:
Who are you?
No, what are you?
All the time.
The others must have noticed that something was up.
They didn't ask though. Maybe they also noticed that I wasn't ready to talk about it.
The day dragged on, I felt terrible.
I was glad that we didn't have a fanmeet or concert today. I wouldn't want stays to see me like this.
Finally, it was evening.
I wanted to lay down in my bed and sleep for the next three days. But I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep with that much on my mind.
I needed to talk to someone.
I wandered mindlessly through our dorm and found myself infront of the door to Chan's room (hehe).
I knocked.
'Yeah?'
Inside, the room was just dimly lit. Chan sat in front of his laptop working on a new song - what else?
He looked up at my entrance and a small smile spread on his lips. 'Hey Felix. Come on in.'
I closed the door behind me and slumped down on his bed. I took one of his pillows, hugging it tightly to my chest.
Chan watched me.
'What can I do for you?' he asked softly.
I shrugged. 'I just wanna talk, I think.'
He nodded. 'That's good. Let me just finish this quickly'
He tapped on his laptop for a few more minutes, then turned it off and put it away.
I could tell he knew that something serious was up. Chan almost never turned off his laptop.
He came over, sitting down next to me on his bed.
And waited.
We looked at each other.
I knew it was my idea to come and talk to him, which included, well, talking, but I couldn't get myself to speak yet.
'Are you in love?' He asked out of the blue.
'What? No.'
I frowned at him. He shrugged. 'Then it can't be that bad, can it?'
'You have no idea.'
He chuckled warmly.
Silence.
'Felix, please talk to me. I see that something is wrong. You were completely absent the whole day.'
That was an understatement.
I sighed.
'I talked to a stay in the USA about a week ago. They told me they were non binary and ... I don't know, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Do you know what it means?'
Chan nodded. 'I had a friend back in Australia who identified as genderqueer. Thanks to her I learned a lot of terminology.'
''Her'?'
'Jup. She still used mostly she and her as pronouns, because it felt more fitting than they/them. I haven't had contact with her for a while though, so I don't know if anything changed.'
'Did you know her before she came out?'
He thought a moment. 'Yeah, we knew each other for maybe two years already when she told me.'
I hesitated a moment, gaining strength.
'And... How .. Do you know how she..? How did she know?'
Chan looked at me searching. After a few seconds, he said:
'We didn't talk much about it back then. But I couldn't say I was surprised when she told me. She would always be more comfortable with male friends and in masculine clothing.' He paused. 'There is a difference, you know? Between wearing masculine - or feminine - clothing because it's cool and you like it and wearing it because it makes you feel more like yourself. Because it lets you glow... People glow when they're able to be themselves.'
You glow.
I stared at him. He looked back. Calmly. Warmly.
I wondered how he seemed to read my whole soul with just one gaze.
Did he suspect something?
What was there even to suspect?
I didn't want to think about it, tried to blink away the tears in my eyes.
Luckily, the conversation had me wondering about something else.
'Chan?' I whispered against my clogged throat.
'Felix?'
I sniffled.
'Do you think they'll ever let us come out?'
Chan seemed surprised by the question. Not by the question itself, more by me actually asking it.
'Come out as what?'
That was weird. He should know exactly what I was talking about.
'Chan, I'm bisexual, remember? Minho is gay? And majority of the other members are somewhat fruity as well'
He chuckled. 'I sometimes feel like I'm the straight dad leading a group of gay kids.'
That charmed a little smile on my lips.
'What do you think stays would say?'
'They'd support us. I'm sure of that. First, they're our fandom and second, I sometimes feel like most of them are very queer themselves. We have them at our back.'
I nodded and we chuckled a bit.
'Hey' Chan sobered and looked at me seriously.
'Do you want to come out?'
I thought a moment.
'I don't know yet', I said earnestly.
'Just... Know that if you decide you're ready, I'll be fighting for you - the others as well - with everything I got. I don't care about our fame or money or reputation, as long as I can ensure your happiness and safety. Got that?'
Instead of answering, I hugged him tightly.
'Best Leader' I whispered in his ear.
He laughed, but it sounded as if he was holding back tears.
Suddenly I wanted to tell him everything. Everything that hounded me lately. I wanted to talk about it so badly.
But I still didn't know what it was exactly.
What was I supposed to tell him?
Hey, what if I am... like... that?
I couldn't even form it in my thoughts.
Like what, huh?
A sob escaped me.
I was overwhelmed by all the screaming in my head, by all the burning words on my tongue that I couldn't get myself to say out loud. That I couldn't even think properly.
Because I was a fucking coward.
'Felix?'
Chan had pulled back a bit to catch a look at my face. Tears streamed down my cheeks without restraint now.
Chan cupped my face, trying to wipe them away. A fight he couldn't win.
As I started sobbing uncontrollably, he gave up and pulled me back into the hug, my face buried in his shirt.
It was comforting, yes.
But somehow that made me feel even worse.
He did so much for me. He wanted to be there, wanted to help.
And I couldn't even tell him what was up with me.
I didn't know what was up with me.
Don't you? Sure?
Sobs shook my body.
Chan held me the entire time.
After a while, the sobs eased into small sniffles. My eyes burned; there weren't any tears left after the last few days.
Chan's hand softly stroked my back.
'Thank you' I whispered hoarsely, not yet trusting my voice to work.
'Felix?' He asked softly.
Are you all right? Talk to me. What made you cry like that? Chan could ask such things without actually saying them.
I took a shaky breath. 'It's ok.'
'It's obviously not'
'I'm not ready to talk about it' Sniffle. 'Yet.'
He nodded. 'I respect that. But if someone is hurting you...'
He didn't finish the sentence, yet his clenched fists spoke volumes.
I put my hands on his, relaxing them. 'No one is hurting me, Chan. I promise.'
He didn't look convinced but thankfully, let it slide.
I examined his face in silence. Chan seemed weirdly tired. There were dark circles under his eyes.
'When did you sleep the last time for longer than four hours?'
He let out a humourless laugh. 'I don't know if I ever did in my whole life.'
'Wrong answer' I hugged him again.
'Chan, you do so much for us. But please don't forget yourself over it. You sacrificing yourself won't get us anywhere at all. Get some goddamn rest.'
'Okay, I'll just-'
'Nope' I said and prevented him from getting up by sitting his lap.
'Felix'
'No, shut up. I'm sleeping here.'
'I don't need a baby sitter'
I gave him a glare that said yes you do, then made myself comfortable in the cushions.
After a moment of hesitation he laid down at my side, letting me spoon him.
'I'm not tired' he said.
'Bullshit' I said.
I pulled the sheets over us, then hugged him even tighter.
'Good night' I whispered.
He didn't answer anymore, already asleep.
I smiled to myself.
His breathing evened out more and more, calming me too.
I listened, looking out for irregularities because of his breathing problem. It distracted me from my own thoughts, replacing them with a comfortable warmth similar to the one spreading between our bodies.
He was breathing smoothly, though.
I was glad, he needed this so badly.
And I did too, I think.
Not after long, listening to his breaths and buried in this familiar warmth, I was able to fall asleep, too.
Finally.
.
.
.