♡ Alaiya's POV: ♡
Roman and I are laying on the couch a week after his birthday.
Everyone seems to be out somewhere or just not in the living room. Skyler and Sanchez took Autumn and Dayton to a carnival, and Aubrey is fast asleep for her nap. Something's playing on the TV, I'm not sure what. I think both Roman and I were just skipping past channels and somehow got here. My eyes are literally about to shut in a few seconds because of how exhausted I am when suddenly, I feel Roman's hand traveling to the bottom of my leggings.
"Roman, I'm tired," I yawn, smiling.
He doesn't answer which probably means he heard me, so I decide to fall asleep again. His hand begins to reach again, reaching and playing with the waistband of my leggings.
"Roman," I laugh with droopy eyes. "We can do something tonight."
He doesn't stop, his hand continuing to move.
"Roman, I'm actually tired," I tell him.
"You always fucking do this," his voice all of a sudden shouts at me.
...pardon?
I'm shocked.
I'm flabbergasted about the fact that those words just came out of his mouth. He's never, ever been upset with me about being too tired to have sex with him. Matter of fact, he's never suggested sexual things when I'm this tired or almost half-asleep. We both understand timing. Although, at the moment, he definitely does not.
"What did you just say?" I turn my head around to be sure I didn't imagine that.
"I'm your goddamn husband, Alaiya, and you don't want to have sex with me. I have to fuck you all the time when you look ugly, but when I'm in the mood, you tell me no."
I don't even realize that I'm crying until the water falls down my cheeks. I was already upset when he yelled at me, that sentence just hurt a whole lot more.
"Oh, great. Cry about it so you can seem innocent. God, you're the most unbearable person I've ever met. The only reason we're together is because you're easy. I mean, how long did Carson control you for?"
That's when the sunlight hits my eyes which slowly open as I realize it was a nightmare, my thoughts jumbled up and my hands firmly gripping onto Roman's shirt.
I've never had a nightmare like that before. I've had some flashbacks about my parents or Carson, but nothing like that.
Where did that even come from? Why did it feel so real even though I don't think I've heard any of those sentences even on the tip of Roman's tongue?
~~~~
"Aubrey." I smile as I hold up a spoon of baby food.
She smiles back at me brightly with her hands out in the air because she knows that its mango flavor; her favorite. I've given her ten bites too, and yet she's still as enthusiastic as the first time. She takes a spoonful and laughs adorably, that baby laugh music to my ears.
"Hi." A kiss is felt on my cheek, but I jump in fear before I can even process it. "Hey, it's just me," Roman tells me as I look up in panic beside me, his hands gently resting on my shoulders.
I'm embarrassed about my reaction, but I'm not surprised.
I haven't been able to have a full conversation with him after the nightmare. I can't even look at him because every time I do, I think of all the things nightmare Roman told me and it honestly frightens me. And to think, we just had a conversation about how I should tell him if I start thinking about Carson or my parents again, and here I am, not able to tell him about how my mind has created a fake version of him from all the things Carson used to say to me.
Have I ever made Roman feel annoyed about saying no to him? Does he sometimes think that I'm ugly while we're having sex? I'm not in his mind, I don't know what goes on twenty-four-seven.
"Aubrey just finished her food, do you mind taking her out of her chair and giving her a bath? I have to go shower." I immediately decide that it'd be best if I left the room because of my suddenly shaking hands.
Although, right as I'm standing up, Roman catches the trembling and I curse at myself for not hiding it better.
If more of my clothes had real pockets, I would be able to do so much like hide my hands when they start shaking. It would be so convenient.
"What's wrong?" He walks directly in front of me, his hand going to my cheek, but with everything in my head getting spun around, I flinch so hard that you would think he came at me with lightning speed.
His worry skyrockets instantly because of my reaction, his facial expression showing he's definitely on edge now.
"Alaiya, I'm not going to hit you," he reassures me.
Then why isn't my mind telling me the same thing? Please make it stop.
"I...I have to shower. Please watch Aubrey." I walk around him and bolt down the hall before he even gets a chance to stop me.
I shut the bathroom door and quickly turn on the shower so if Roman comes into our bedroom which he most likely will, he can't hear my panicked sobs and fast breaths that practically sound like I'm hyperventilating.
He ends up knocking only a few minutes later, asking to let him inside so he can see what's wrong.
I don't answer.
He knows very well how much I hate crying in front of him because I was told my entire life that it makes me look weak. That may be why he thankfully doesn't barge in. Though, he does say that he's waiting outside so when I'm ready, he needs to see what happened.
My anxiety attack lasts for about fifteen minutes.
It's the rest of the thirty minutes of feeling completely empty, but full of disgust with myself that takes a lot out of me.
I'm embarrassed. I'm so embarrassed. People talk about anxiety and panic attacks, but no one ever tells you about you feel like the most embarrassing person in the entire world. No one tells you how your brain manipulates you into thinking that your panic or your problems aren't real and you're just asking for attention.
In my opinion, that's the worst part.
I walk out of the restroom and see Roman tickling Aubrey whose laughing hysterically on our bed. A big grin is on Roman's face from seeing our daughter laugh so hard because of him and from most likely just hearing the sound of her laugh.
The second he hears the door open though, he kisses Aubrey's head before walking over to me. His hands go to both sides of my cheek as slowly as possible, yet I still curl my toes for no apparent reason.
"What happened?" His voice is so soft, almost like a whisper.
My eyes hurt and so does my chest.
I swallow, forcing myself to get it together. "It's just an anxiety attack. I probably didn't get enough sleep last night and my brain is being weird." Lying makes me more guilty than anything else, though I can't help it in this situation.
"Do you need anything? I can call Melissa or if you want, I can-." I know he's about to begin listing everything he can do for me, but I don't want him to.
"I'm fine," his words get cut off by mine. "It was just an anxiety attack. Can we just act like it never happened?"
"Alaiya, I know you feel embarrassed after your anxiety attacks happen. You shouldn't-." Again, I don't let him finish, though my tone sounds angrier at myself. Only to someone else, it may sound angry towards them.
"I'm fine, Roman. Yes, I'm embarrassed, and yes I don't want to talk about it. Just drop it."
He's taken back by surprise that I'm this upset, but I've lost control over myself.
All that's running through my mind is that stupid nightmare and anxiety attack and it's giving me the worse migraine ever. But then I remember how Roman does love me and that's why he's asking. It's unfair of me to shut him out.
Although, then my mind is arguing back that the nightmare could've been real even though I know it couldn't have, and that thought, along with my separate anxious thoughts about me having that anxiety attack and how I should feel embarrassed makes me want to shut completely off and never say another word again.
God, my head hurts.
~~~~
The entire day, I've avoided Roman at all costs because every time I see him, I want to tell him about the nightmare. Then I remember how crazy I'm being because he's never given me a reason to doubt how he feels for me.
Even at dinner, I didn't look at him and we sit next to each other. I just pretended to be listening to Ivy and Bethane's conversation, though, in reality, it was just me avoiding eye contact with him.
He's been looking at me all day which only makes me look away more because each time I look into his eyes for even a second, I have the same thought.
I'm a horrible person.
As I'm about to stand up and help with the dishes, Ivy pulls me aside to a separate hall.
"What's wrong?" she asks like she knew the entire time that I wasn't being myself even though I put in the most effort to pretend like I was.
"What do you mean?" Acting oblivious is the first thing that comes to my mind.
"Alaiya, I know when you're upset before it's even happened."
That's true.
I take a second to think it over.
"Do you ever start doubting randomly that Eldon doesn't like you saying no to sexual things? Not that he ever would because-."
"Alaiya, I know what you meant," she cuts me off with a soft smile. "I know that Roman would never get upset about you saying no to him. He also knows that I'd kill him if he did."
"No, he never actually did. He never has. But I had...a dream...more of a nightmare." God, I'm so embarrassed.
"Did you ask her if she's okay?" Bethane says as she, Skyler, and Iris walk up to us in concern.
Ivy gives me a look which asks me if she can tell them and I shake my head yes because no matter how embarrassing this is, I can always trust them. The same goes for Roman, and it's not that I don't trust him and that's why I'm keeping the secret. It's the anxiety telling me that I'm going to get the answer my brain thinks I deserve.
"She thinks that Roman gets upset when she says no to him or he could," Ivy explains.
"Roman looks at you as if he's won the lottery and you're the trillion-dollar prize," Iris says, and it's the shock from her mouth that makes me feel even more guilty for feeling this way. "But I understand how you're feeling. All of us get insecure with our husbands sometimes and can doubt not giving enough even though we don't owe them anything, especially sexually."
"Amen to that," Ivy emphasizes the last part.
"You just have to talk it out with him and tell him how you feel. I promise, he'll tell you the truth that he's never felt that way and you'll feel better."
"Jaxon and I have things like that happen to us too. Most of the time, it's just insecurities talking and not the truth," Skyler adds.
"And I promise you, our men's last worry is that they don't enjoy doing sexual things with us because they have never had that thought enter their minds. Was Roman able to pinpoint the reason you'd been upset?" Bethane questions.
I shake my head no.
"Exactly. He never thought about the things you're thinking so he has no reason to believe that you're upset for that reason. If he had thought about it, then he'd get worried that you figured it out and would've brought it up because he feels guilty," Bethane finishes.
"Just talk to him. And just so you know, you don't have to feel guilty for feeling like this. We all do and it's completely normal. Roman probably does sometimes too. The point is that you talk to each other and make sure both of you are feeling secure in the relationship." I think that's the most compassion on a subject like relationships or love I've gotten from Ivy. Ever.
"That was good!" Iris says, her eyes widened.
"Don't talk to me. Kai's turning me into him." Ivy rubs her forehead in annoyance, making all of us laugh.
Someone runs into my leg all of a sudden.
"Mom! Can I give my present to dad? I finished it before dinner," Autumn asks with excitement.
I tell her yes, but I'm going to have to talk to Roman about everything before because the girls were right. I need to speak with him.
♥ ★ ❦ ✱ ♥
Word Count: 2233
Please tell me if there are any errors.