You stay up until an ungodly hour in the morning watching videos.
At first, it's just everything that Hange can find from the rebellion. The promotional videos you made, some that encourage others to stand with the rebellion, others calling out the Capitol, and others of missions you've gone on. They give you a tablet with everything they can find, and you curl up at your desk in your room, observing earnestly.
It's almost like your memories just... unfold as you watch. You see a clip of you calling Rod a "pathetic, miserable coward" and suddenly you can see Jean and Marco- your camera crew, you remember them now- giving you thumbs up, Shadis groaning, and Erwin smiling. You watch as you traipse through the ruins of District 12, Levi next to you, and it feels like you can hear Oluo and Gunther bickering in the background, even if you're watching the video with no audio.
When you saw Petra and she'd told you that everyone was evacuated, you'd been optimistic. After finding out that your other friends were dead, like you initially anticipated, your hopes had been crushed. Seeing this video hurts even more.
You watch that particular video a few times. You glare at the screen, pausing on one scene of you with your head turned towards Levi.
Well, he definitely doesn't look like he wants to kill you. In fact...
You press play again. The video continues on, with you talking to the camera and looking around your district, but Levi can't stop staring at you. Fuck, the way he looks at you...
You swallow hard and close the video. You remember it all now, that mission to District 12- the jabberjays. Your parents' voices that haunt your nightmares. How your friends died. Levi was never to blame for any of this- that falls on the Capitol. On Rod fucking Reiss.
"Fuck," you mutter to yourself, clicking on another video that you don't think you've seen yet.
It opens up to green, green, and more green. Forests, bushes, paths. Outdoors. You frown- it doesn't look like District 12- but then you realize it's District 13. You've been there before- obviously, because you're in the video.
You're armed with your bow and a quiver of arrows slung over your shoulder, and you're starting your typical "people of the districts" speech. You're so entranced by watching yourself on screen that you barely acknowledge the knock on the door, doing nothing more than calling out "it's open" without even looking up.
The door opens, and you pause the video to turn and look to the door. It's Hange. "Saw the light on under your door," they confess. "Why are you still awake?"
"Why are you?" you counter, frowning.
"Touché." Hange's eyes flicker to the screen behind you. "Ah! You're nearly at the end!"
"Am I?"
"Yeah, this is one of the last ones you filmed before you were- well, you know, kidnapped." Hange closes the door behind them and crosses the room to stand next to you. "We were trying to make you more relatable. A suggestion by Armin, actually- make you more personable. So the people rallying behind you knew who they were following."
"Oh," is the only thing you can manage. "How stupid did it turn out?"
Hange grins, tapping the screen. "Watch."
The video plays. You hear someone off screen- you think that's Jean- ask, "so, the world wants to know, how'd you get so good at archery?"
You don't even recognize the smile on your own face. "Originally, my parents showed me," you're saying, lining up an arrow on your bow. "When they died, I kind of threw myself into it. Needed something to distract myself. Plus, I needed some way to feed myself. Being an orphan in the districts is tough- hardly any support except from your own people."
"That part sounded scripted," you mutter.
Hange shrugs. "Yeah, well, the more we let you talk out of your ass, the more Shadis hated you."
"So?"
"So you got good at archery because you had to," Jean is saying. "To survive."
"Yep," you agree, pulling back on the bowstring. "I didn't have a choice. It was either find something that could make me- twelve years old at the time- useful to the world, or else..."
You fire. The arrow hits a tree further down the path.
"I'd die," you finish nonchalantly, shrugging. "I'm sure anyone can relate. Maybe it's not archery, but it's sewing, or cooking, or just... well, I'm just a part of the group of kids that were forced to grow up too early."
"That's a good line," Hange says.
"This is awful," you grumble. "I'm so embarrassing."
"You're just lucky you stood up for yourself right from the get-go. Pretty sure Shadis and the others would've played you up to be a massive damsel in distress if you hadn't made it clear from the beginning that you were going to fight until the president was dead."
"Go, me."
"That's the spirit."
"Any archery tips?" Jean is saying.
"Go for the eye," you say at the same time the version of you on screen says, "go for the eyes. You want the most amount of meat for your food? That's exactly where you aim. Right... there."
You fire another arrow. It hits a thin branch down the path and the branch snaps in half.
"Look at you, remembering your lines," Hange jokes, patting your shoulder.
You roll your eyes. "It's just shooting advice."
"And wear gloves!" the version of you on screen says.
"Practice what you preach, dumbass," another voice shoots, and the camera pans over to Levi. Instantly, your chest tightens- was he really always with you? Always by your side? He looks grumpy, but there's a quirk to one of the corners of his mouth. He's amused.
You turn towards the camera and start to say something about wanting better for today's kids growing up, so they won't have to go through what you did, but seeing Levi has completely derailed your train of thought. This is great and all, siphoning through what the Capitol's stripped you of, but you want to know more about Levi. You need more of Levi.
The video ends. You glance up at Hange. "Do you have any from the arena?"
They smile sympathetically. "Soon, I hope. Supposed to get in contact with our spy tomorrow morning- well, today, I suppose. That's the big blocker for you?"
You nod. "Yeah. It all... it all starts there, I guess."
"And Levi," Hange adds meaningfully.
Again, you nod. "Levi. Yeah."
Hange squeezes your shoulder. "Get some sleep," they say. "I'll let you know tomorrow as soon as I hear something. Okay?"
You nod one last time. Hange squeezes you one last time before they leave, door shutting quietly behind them. You stay at your desk, rewinding the video right to your reaction after Levi yells at you to practice what you preach. You pause the video there. You're grinning cheekily, head tilted, shrugging as if to say whatever.
You stay at your desk for a few more minutes, staring at that picture of you. Eventually, you shut down the tablet, turn off your lights, and stumble towards your bed.
.
"Hi," you say to a camera. "Not dead. Not comatose. Sorry to disappoint."
You'd been exhausted when Mike had knocked on your door this morning, telling you it was time to go film. You're not sure how much sleep you got, but it was clearly not enough.
Immediately, you'd been whisked into hair and make-up (where Hange was looking as tired as you felt, which was a small condolence) and then changed into some armor that felt weird and set up on a stool in front of Jean and Marco with a massive green screen at your back. They seemed excited when you greeted them by name ("I didn't think you'd remember," Marco had said sheepishly") and had run you through the plan.
Shadis, the leader of District 13, handed you a script and raised an eyebrow at you before he walked away. Erwin had told you "do what feels right" before he'd retreated behind the cameras as well.
And so here you are. In front of a camera. And it doesn't feel weird, surprisingly. Or maybe you shouldn't be surprised, not after everything you watched last night. Last night? This morning? Same difference, right?
You break yourself out of your train of thought and focus on the camera again, trying to remember your lines. "In case you missed it," you say, leaning back, "the Capitol snatched me up. Tried to brainwash me, get me to work for them. Well, you tried your damn best, didn't you, assholes? Didn't work, though. I still hate you."
God, they want you to say shit about 'seeing you around soon'. Something ominous at the end, or something to that effect. You don't care to. You'll do it your way.
"Should've killed me when you had the chance," you say, glaring at the camera. "Fuck you, Rod Reiss."
Marco gets the hint and lowers the camera. Jean gives you a thumbs up, and you let your shoulders drop. You glance up to the audience- much larger than it needs to be, in your opinion- and shrug loosely as if to say you don't care how you did.
Shadis starts it. He claps his hands together, and it almost sounds ironic until a few others join in. Eventually, the only ones not applauding are Marco (holding the camera) and Erwin (duh).
"Our Mockingjay has returned," Erwin says confidently, which gets him a few cheers.
You force yourself to smile. Sure. You're back. Whatever.
You wander away from the screen and back to Hange, who's smiling weakly at you from off to the side. "It's like you never left," they joke weakly, reaching for some of the straps to undo your armor.
"Oh, joy," you mutter sarcastically.
Hange eventually leaves you to change back into something comfortable- you're going to try hitting up training after this- and when you get out of your little changing area, most people are gone. Erwin's still here and a few other tech people are, but that's it.
You're content to just scurry out and go over to training, but Erwin notices that you're leaving. "Excuse me," he calls. "One moment."
You pinch your lips together and pause in your stride. "Yeah. Sure."
He catches up to you, and after a moment, he reaches out and pats your shoulder. You resist the urge to flinch away or smack his hand off. "You did well," Erwin says.
"Thanks. I think."
"When do you think you'll be ready for action in the field?"
You frown. "You have something in mind?"
Erwin nods. "There was an attack in District 8. Massive casualties. Most of the injured are in a makeshift hospital just outside of the district, away from the city."
"How many injured?"
"Hundreds." Erwin's gaze is sharp. It's keeping you on guard. "No action would be required. We're hoping that you'd be up for a visit. Raise morale. Get some footage."
For some reason, 'get some footage' makes your stomach curl. "I'll consider it," you say carefully, because you don't really want to agree to anything without knowing exactly what you're agreeing to.
That seems to be good enough for Erwin. "I know you've been curious," he says, and you raise your eyebrows at him. "About the month the Capitol's taken from you. About the rebellion." When you don't say anything else, he adds, "about the games as well."
You straighten up. "You would be too in my shoes."
"I don't doubt it." Erwin glanced behind him. You can see the interview you just did playing on a faraway screen. He looks back to you. "I'm sure Hange told you we're working on extracting the footage of the games from the Capitol, since we don't have a copy," he says.
You don't like how he uses 'we', especially since you doubt he actually has anything to do with it.
"It's risky," Erwin says warningly. "Several of our inside men have been compromised. Some haven't made it. I'm down to having one man that's in deep enough to access this information, and it could be a risk to his life. I don't want to risk losing him. He plays a valuable role in this rebellion."
You stare at him for a moment, dumbfounded. "Cool," you say bluntly. "Not sure what you want me to do about that."
Erwin stares at you for a moment. Then, he says, "I'd be more willing to take the risk to get you this information if you agreed to this next mission."
You can't believe this. "You're bribing me. Blackmailing me? Bribing me."
"I'm making you an offer."
"Wow."
"Well?"
"Get them before the end of the day."
His eyebrows rise. "Excuse me?"
You hold yourself tall. "If you want this to be something I seriously consider, then I want every single second of footage of me in the Hunger Games before I go to bed tonight."
Erwin stares at you. His expression hasn't changed but you'd like to think you've caught him off guard. Eventually, Erwin musters out, "when do you normally go to bed?"
"Depends on how tired I am." You fake a yawn. "And this conversation is wearing me out."
Now, Erwin has the nerve to look amused. "You're more ruthless without Levi around to reign you in."
Now he's caught you off guard. You shut your mouth, not willing to say anything to that.
"Alright," Erwin agrees. "I'll see what I can do."
You hadn't really expected that to work. "...Okay."
"And if I can get you all the footage you want, you'll accept this mission."
"Yeah. I will."
You're enjoying this- this realization that you actually have some power. In the Capitol, they'd tried over and over again to turn you into a weapon for them when they could've just killed you. You were important. Here, they're trying to make sure you're content and you'll willing to be the Mockingjay. You're important here too.
The railing overlooking District 13 yesterday. Pondering if there was ever really somewhere you belonged. You don't think you belong anywhere, but you're important everywhere you go. You're important. You've got power.
"I'll consider it," you amend after Erwin doesn't reply right away.
"You'll consider it," he repeats.
You shrug. "Sounds like you need me a lot more than I need you."
Erwin stares at you for a long moment, and it looks like he doesn't recognize you. You don't blame him; you look in the mirror and you scarcely recognize yourself either.
"You'll have it by the end of the day," he finally says.
"Good," you reply. After a beat, you add, "thank you."
"You're welcome," Erwin says curtly.
You take that as your cue to leave. You shoot him a forced smile, pivot, and exit.
You feel like you can breathe a bit easier when you're out of the room. The implications of the conversation start to sink in: you could have the footage you want so desperately as soon as tonight. You wonder if Erwin's going to take your words seriously or if he's going to make you wait until tomorrow or something like that. But you think you're right in saying he needs you more than you need him, and you think he knows it.
Emboldened, you head towards the training room. Hange told you how to find it earlier, but you find that your feet are almost moving on their own to get to the facility. When you get there, you see a few familiar faces: Mikasa, Eren, and Armin. At least you're not totally alone here.
You settle yourself in front of the range with a bow and a quiver full of arrows. It's boring, just standing and firing, but you can feel too many eyes on you and you're not looking to do anything too stupid or crazy when the entire gym's watching you.
Soon, it becomes too much. Every time you turn around, there's more people looking at you. You give up, putting your weaponry away and leaving the training area. You head to the cafeteria for food, but everyone's staring at you there too, so you take your food and head back to your room.
Do you talk to Levi again? You want to.
You mull it over as you wait in the elevator, then more as you wander down the hall. You want to, and you want to badly, but you also want to figure out more of this on your own. Seeing how hurt he was afterwards, how badly he's beating himself up...
Fuck, you're supposed to hate him. But that voice, the one screaming at you not to trust him, to hate him, to kill him- it's been weirdly quiet since yesterday.
You walk past his door on your way to yours. You pause.
For a minute, you just stare. Then, you steel yourself, and you keep walking.
You get to your room, wolf down your food, and go back to combing through some of the videos that Hange gave you. You watched them all, sure, but there's some you want to watch again. Some you need to watch again. Just to see yourself, see how everyone remembers you- and see how you interact with Levi.
And that's what you do for maybe an hour or so before Hange bursts into your room.
"I got it!" is the first thing they shout before you can even get a word out.
You don't even have time to ask what they've got before they're dashing towards you, nearly tripping over their own feet as they come up beside you. Hange's got some sort of small black thing in their hand that they plug into the side of your tablet. A loading bar pops up, which you stare at in fascination until it loads completely and a folder pops up.
"Here, here," Hange says excitedly, tapping on the folder. A few dozen folders pop up. "Yes, yes, yes! We got them!"
"We got them," you repeat, brain moving a bit slowly.
Hange is undeterred. "The games," they say. "All of the footage from the games. These are all stamped with dates and hours, and..." Hange picks one. They open it and dozens of options come up. "And these are all the cameras."
"All of the cameras."
"All of the cameras!" Hange seizes your shoulders, squeezing. "We got it! We got it all!"
Your lips part. Erwin came through. He got the footage for you. That was fast. "Oh my god," you breathe, selecting a random camera. A shot of a forest comes up; there's no movement except for a squirrel running along a branch. "Holy shit. Hange, thank you, thank you so much-"
"Well, I got it from Erwin," they say, squeezing you again. "He said something about you holding up your end of the deal?"
"Yeah, yeah," you say, exiting out of the video and clicking on another one. A grainy, dark shot of a tunnel. "I know."
"A deal?"
You and Hange both turn around. Levi's standing in the hallway- Hange had flown through the door and hadn't closed it behind them. You feel yourself straighten up, butterflies erupting in your chest.
Hange speaks first. "Levi! Right, you're neighbors."
"I heard noise," he says- an excuse for him being in the hallway. He didn't need one.
Your stylist's head is whipping between you and Levi, like they're not sure how you're going to react. You'd promised the room that you were fine and that you'd be fine around Levi, but you don't know how many of them actually believed you.
You squeeze Hange's hand in reassurance, then look to Levi. "Well, Hange's not exactly quiet," you say, lips twitching.
"Hey," Hange complains, smacking your shoulder. Your grin widens. "Darling, if I was quiet, I'd be boring!"
"Your snark's back," Levi notes, and his eyes meet yours.
Your mouth opens, then closes. "It's been back," you say eventually. "Haven't noticed?"
Hange laughs. "Well, he wasn't around for your brilliant emergence from your room. Levi, you should've seen her- came up, tapped on the glass with a knife that half of us didn't know she had, demanding to be let out."
You press your forehead into your hands. "Hange, this is embarrassing."
"It's not! It was fun," Hange says enthusiastically, looking between you and Levi for any signs of animosity. Apparently finding none, they continue, "and then Erwin asked you how you were feeling and you said 'like I've been stuck in a room forever and the food sucks', and then Mike said it's about what you know and not what you feel, and you said-"
"I know I've been stuck in a room forever and the food sucks," you finish, shaking your head. "So stupid."
Your eyes flicker to Levi; he's not smiling, but he's rolled his shoulders back and angled himself more towards you. Amused? Maybe. "She's still as snarky as ever," Hange laughs. "You just missed it! That's all."
Levi hums. "Seeing you smile is a good sign."
Your smile wanes slightly, but doesn't vanish. Fuck, why is he just so...
When neither you nor Hange have anything to say to that, Levi coughs awkwardly and adds, "you struck a deal with Erwin."
You nod, happy to have something to say. "Yeah. I wanted the footage from the games, and he wants me on a mission. Something about a hospital in District 8- just saying hi, building morale. I said I'd only do it if he got me this-" you gesture at your tablet- "before I went to bed."
"Damn, girl!" Hange high-fives you. "Top notch bargaining skills!"
"You up for a mission?" Levi asks.
You shrug. "Better than being cooped up here."
He looks like he wants to ask something, then pauses. Hange's neck is on a swivel as they look between the two of you, awaiting which one of you is going to say something next.
Eventually, Levi musters out, "I'll come. On the mission."
You stare at him for a long time. Not a question, but not really a statement. Reinforcing his intention to come on the mission, but... still giving you a chance to say no.
His eyes are drilling holes into yours. Grey. A really pretty grey.
"Okay," you finally agree.
His eyebrows rise, like he hadn't been expecting your answer to be that simple. "Okay," Levi says, still looking at you.
You nod, swallowing the lump in your throat. "Okay."
Hange clears their throat and you nearly jump- you'd forgotten they were there for a moment. "Alright, big guy," they say with a clap of their hands. "Let's get out of here and leave Em here to her exposure therapy, shall we?"
Your lips twitch at the rise of Levi's eyebrows to their choice of words, but then Hange's out the door and shoving Levi away, then grinning at you before they close your door and leave you to your tablet. You stare at the door for an extra second, then turn back to your screen.
With a bit more confidence than before, you go to the oldest folder, and you click on it.
.
It all comes back to you in pieces.
You watch grainy footage of you wandering through a tunnel, and you remember holding onto Levi's sleeve because he was the only one who could see because of those glasses. You watch a clip where you and Levi are huddled around a campfire and you're cutting what you know are gloves, and you remember Levi berating you for your stupid decision.
You watch a clip of you reaching out into nothing and snapping your hand back, and you can feel the tingling in your fingertips. You watch as Levi takes your hand and it's like you can feel chills up your palm. You watch as the two of you walk away and you're smiling.
More, more, more; you do nothing but comb through more. You watch the action: grainy footage of you firing arrows as creatures swarm you in a tunnel, you and Levi getting ambushed by three other tributes and making it out alive, the entire fight on the mountaintop.
You watch it all. And you watch it again. And once more, just for good measure.
And then you get deeper into it. You watch you and Levi reunite in those tunnels, and even through dark and blurry footage, you can see the hug. You watch the two of you huddle up under the sleeping bag; the camera footage in the dark isn't good enough to see your faces, but you know you're smiling.
"Doing good?"
You turn. You hadn't even heard Hange open the door. "Yeah," you say, turning back around. "Getting there. Hard to know what camera to flip to sometimes but I'm figuring it out."
"I'll say," your stylist says as they shut the door and move over to you. "You're in the last twelve hours of the games now. You're motoring through."
"I've been speeding through," you murmur. You don't need to watch everything to the minute, so you've been zipping through the more useless bits and slowing down for the meaningful parts.
Hange nods at your screen. "I remember that. You two had reunited. We were thrilled," they add. "Someone here broke out champagne."
Your lips twitch. "Hm."
You don't care about the champagne or anything- you care about the look on your face, your body language. You're safe. The forest in District 12 was the only place you'd ever felt safe in your entire life, but here you are, curled up at Levi's side, and you're safe. You know you are.
Hange urges you to keep going, and so you do. And then you're watching as you meet Mikasa and Armin, and then you're talking and fuck do you wish these clips had audio, and then they're leaving and you and Levi are talking and he's bringing his forehead to yours and...
"You okay?" Hange asks softly.
Hm.
Your eyebrows knit together, and you bring your fingertips up to your lips. You can feel it more than you can see it in your head: his touch on your jaw, his lips on yours, his hair twisted between your fingertips.
"He's kissed me, hasn't he," you say, looking to Hange.
Hange's eyes go so wide that you nearly shrink back. "Has he?!"
You frown. "You don't know?"
"He's- has he- he has- when?!" Hange's voice is gradually rising and you're glad that you're alone with them so no one else has to bear witness to this. "Em, this is crucial information."
"Fuck if I know!" you protest. "Hange, my head is fucked!"
"It can't be that fucked! You have to remember!"
"Fuck," you say out loud, turning back to the tablet. "Hange, I don't know. I really don't. I don't know why I said it."
"Well, he- he- you hit the forcefield at one point and died," Hange sputters out. "He had to resuscitate you, so- mouth to mouth contact. Yeah, so he kissed you there, if that's what you're talking about. Is that what you're talking about?"
No, it's not. "Yeah," you say. "It must be."
"Uh huh."
You glance at Hange. They look skeptical. "You don't believe me, but you're literally the one who provided the explanation," you deadpan, raising your eyebrows.
"Well, you just- you-" Hange sighs, then pats your shoulder. "You'll let me know if you remember anything else, right?"
"Of course," you agree, pressing the power button on the tablet. "Of course I will."
"Okay, good. Because, girl, if he's kissed you..." Hange sighs dramatically, tossing their head back. "Then this is vital information and I need to be informed!"
You can't help it; you smile. "Yeah, I bet."
"Good. Okay. Get some sleep, doll. Erwin's plans for tomorrow aren't going to be rainbows and sunshine."
"If only," you say in return, and Hange bids you good night before they leave you alone in your room.
You turn back to your tablet screen and power it on again. You go back to where you were in your camera clip and you finish the scene, then cut to the next camera when you and Levi finally exit the shot alongside Armin and Mikasa. You keep watching, skipping through most of while you're in the tunnels and on the move outside. You don't even know what's supposed to be happening on screen and you don't care: you just want to get to the end, which Hange mentioned was near.
You get there. You watch as Levi takes on Zeke, and you watch as you charge at empty air, and then your arm goes forward, arrow clutched in your palm, and then the clip ends.
Frowning, you watch it from another camera angle. The same result.
So that's it. That's when you blew up the forcefield, and that's when...
You sigh to yourself. "Fuck," you say aloud.
The Capitol lied. About everything. The only thing they got right? That you're a goddamn force to be reckoned with- more than they fucking bargained for.
Head fuzzy and heart tight in your chest, you fall asleep with the games playing behind your eyelids.
.
The mission happens four days later. You haven't figured out how to talk to Levi yet.
You don't understand why you're having so much difficulty with this. You've never been one to shy away from what you want to say and you've never had a problem trying to articulate your thoughts before. But this is all just so complicated. Saying the wrong thing could make it worse, and you and Levi were just starting to get somewhere and you don't want to make it worse...
And then you realize that the whole reason you're having this dilemma is because you care. You care about Levi's feelings. You care about him, and that just makes all of this so...
No wonder Levi couldn't find the right word to describe what the two of you are. You're having plenty of trouble trying to label it yourself.
You and Levi don't speak at all, not really at least- not until the mission day arrives and you're all being escorted into an aircraft. The group in the hanger give you some brief applause before you duck into the aircraft, and you give them a pained smile before you vanish from their sights. They're encouraged by seeing the Mockingjay back in action, sure. You just hope you're everything they want you to be.
It's not a huge group. You and your beloved camera crew- who you're discovering, after speaking to them a few times, that they're actually funny as hell- alongside Mikasa and Eren, who have been demanding some shots at field work, and Mike, who's heading the mission.
And Levi. But he's in the cockpit, talking to the pilot, so you've got some time to breathe before he gets back into the main bay area.
When the ship takes off, you're gripping one of the handles on the ship so hard that you wouldn't be surprised if it snapped off. Levi comes back into the main area and takes a seat across from you; you avoid eye contact, knowing that the second you look at him, you'll want to break down and ask him about everything, but that's not fair to him and now's not the time.
"We're going to land on the outskirts and walk to our destination," Mike says. You glance up to look at him. "It'll be about twenty minutes of walking. It's the price we're going to pay for secrecy."
"Can someone carry the camera?" Jean complains. "This thing is heavy."
Marco pats his shoulder. "You're tough. You can handle it."
"You really think we won't be detected?" Eren asks, leaning forward in his seat. "Capitol seems to have eyes anywhere. Remember that scouting mission we did to District 2 a few days ago? Peacekeepers were on them before they could blink."
Mikasa nods. "They've got cameras everywhere."
"We have to assume they'll find us," Levi says.
"We will," Mike says in agreement. "Hopefully we're in and out before they have a chance to do anything about it. That, and it's a hospital," he adds, looking to you. "If the Capitol tried to pull something..."
"They've already lost so much of the districts' approval," you guess. "This would put them over the top."
He nods. "Yeah."
"So I just..." you trail off, glancing around the group. You accidentally make eye contact with Levi and you look away quickly. "I walk around? Say hi to people?"
"Encourage them," Marco adds.
"How?"
"Be yourself," Mikasa murmurs. You make eye contact with her and she smiles softly; you force a smile in return, grateful.
Mike nods. "We've got some food and medical supplies," he says, nodding at three large bags in the corner of the ship. "We'll hand those out. Help some of the injured. We won't spend too long there, and we'll arm you, just in case," he adds. "Helps for the image too. You with your trademark."
You perk up. "I get a bow and arrows?"
"Fuck yeah," Jean says. "I want to see you shoot!"
"I hope she shoots you," Eren grumbles.
"Yeah? She can see if an arrow can pierce your thick skull first."
"Enough," Mike says, but he sounds more amused than angry. "Mockingjay, go suit up. Levi, show her where her stuff is stored."
Tension settles in immediately- clearly, everyone's nervous as to how you're going to interact with Levi- but you give them nothing to worry about. Levi stands and walks across the room to some sort of back storage room, and you follow, eyes set dead ahead.
He steps through a doorway into a backroom, and you follow. There's three racks of guns, one against each wall, all of varying shapes and sizes. "Got enough guns?" you mutter.
"Never enough," Levi mutters in return. He moves to the back of the room. There's something that looks like a bench, but Levi grabs the top of it and opens what appears to be a storage drawer. He moves sideways, giving you room to take a look.
You creep forward, hyper-aware of the distance between you and Levi, and you peer into the drawer. Hypervigilance vanishes almost instantaneously; you gasp in delight. "My bow!"
You reach in and pull out the bow. It's surprisingly light. "And arrows," Levi adds.
Arrows too. You look back into the drawer and seize a quiver that's already stocked full with arrows; there's a second quiver inside there too. "Do I really need two?" you ask as you sling it over your shoulder. "Feels like it'd look silly."
"Well, out of all of us, you're the one with limited ammunition."
Fair enough. "Should we bring it?"
"Probably."
Levi grabs the other quiver, and you wait for him to hand it to you, but he swings it over his shoulder. "Thank you," you say gratefully as Levi lets the lid fall shut on the drawer.
He nods. "Let me know when you need them."
"Okay." Levi takes a step towards the doorway, and suddenly, you don't want him to leave. "Wait, wait. I, uh..."
You trail off. He pauses, looking at you.
Fuck, now you need to say something. Your mouth opens, then closes. Come on, dumbass, think of something, anything. All those memories you saw, everything you watched in the games... no, maybe some of the fuzzy things you remember after.
All you can think about is the damn safety. Watching yourself sleep next to him in the games, watching yourself hug him, watching yourself be at peace... peace. Wait, there's another memory you associate with peace, one you don't have a place for.
"The meadow," you say.
You know Levi knows what you're talking about, because he stiffens up.
"The meadow," you repeat. "I have- I have a fuzzy memory of this meadow, with a river, and there's these- these crosses by the riverbank, I think. I never saw it on any of the tapes, or anything I watched, but I..."
"You remember it," Levi says, and his voice is strained.
You nod. "Yeah. You know it?"
He nods. "...Yeah. I know it."
"Okay. Could you, maybe..." What the hell are you even trying to ask? "Could you show me?" you ask, and your voice drops off a bit at the end of your question.
Levi stares at you. You hold his gaze.
Eventually, he nods. "Yeah. After the mission."
You straighten up, pleased. "Okay. After the mission."
"Do you..." Levi trails off. You wait for him to find his words, giving him the same patience he gave you. "Do you remember much about it?"
"I remember enough about you," you say quietly. "And I- I think I'm remembering more. And I'm- I'm sorry, I-"
"No," he interrupts. "You don't need to apologize."
Is he stupid? You frown. "Of course I do," you rebuke. "Levi, I've been treating you like shit, and you-"
"Save it." Levi exhales, a long drawn-out breath. You must look offended, or hurt, or something of the like, because he adds, "not here, not when we're about to... just wait. Tell me everything in the meadow."
Okay. That, you can agree to. "Okay," you agree. "The meadow."
He nods. "The meadow."
You stare at each other for a moment more. Then, you shoot him a quick smile- something that he'll hopefully interpret as a good sign- and you step towards the doorway, moving back to the main bay of the aircraft and towards your seat.
You sit back down. Levi takes his seat. People stare.
"We're good?" Mike asks.
"I was sure she'd stab him," Eren mutters. Mikasa smacks him.
Mike looks from Eren to Levi, and then to you. "We'll land in thirty minutes," he says. "Rest up."
Thirty minutes later, your anxiety is beginning to peak and the ship has landed in the cover of a forest. Mike leads the way, and the forest doesn't last long: it soon gives way for the outskirts of a town, completely uninhabited. It's not completely decimated like District 12 was, but there's evidence of a fight: some broken structures, holes from gunfire.
Your group moves between the forest and the town until there's the structures are few and far between. You get to an area that looks like it was intended to be a newer part of town: buildings, scattered around and grand in size that are no more than just a structure. Nothing more than some pillars and floors, some beams and walls.
"Should be another few minutes through here," Mike murmurs, waving your group forward. "They turned one of these half-finished buildings into a massive hospital."
"Too many injured and not enough space," Mikasa mutters, somewhat bitterly.
"Fuck the Capitol," you grumble.
"Fuck the Capitol!" Eren agrees eagerly.
His enthusiasm makes your lips twitch. "Get the camera on," Marco says, and you turn to see him nudging Jean. "We should start filming."
"You do it," Jean grumbles. "This thing's heavy as shit!"
"You're just weak."
"You wanna carry it, Eren? Huh?"
"I've carrying the supply bag!"
"Yeah, filled with bandages! Not cameras!"
"It feels like I'm carrying stones!"
"I think your heads are filled with stones," Levi mutters.
You can't help it; you grin. Levi notices, and you think you see the corner of his mouth quirk upwards. "Enough," Mike says. "We're almost there."
Sure enough, you spy the hospital over the next hill. You know it's where the people are because you can hear them, hear a faint hum over the silence of the abandoned sector of District 8. The building is a massive one, with what looks to be sheets pinned over any openings such as windows. You can't see any people from here, but you know they're there.
Mike nods to the rest of you. "Alright. There's a councilwoman that should be expecting us. She'll escort us in, and then everyone does their thing. Got it?"
Everyone nods. Mike waves, and you all continue.
Mikasa pulls aside one of the streets, and the small squad of you duck into the building. It's an empty corridor- but you can hear the people in the other room. "Unload and grab things to distribute," Levi orders, and he drops your back-up quiver to the ground. Eren, Mikasa and Mike- who had been carrying the supply bags- drop them next to him.
A woman comes around the corner; Mike rises to greet her. You assume that's the councilwoman. You don't pay attention, instead fiddling with your bowstring. It feels weird- not that it's bad, it's just not what you're used to.
"Hey."
You look up. Levi's next to you. "Hi," you reply, raising your eyebrows.
His eyebrows rise in return. "You're good?"
"Fucking fantastic," is your default reply, but Levi still looks skeptical and you realize he can see right through you. "I don't know," you admit. "Got a bit of a headache."
"I'll be here," Levi says, and then he adds, "if you want me to be here."
You don't even have to think about it. "That'd be nice."
"Then I'm not going anywhere."
Levi pauses after saying that, like he's not sure what you'll say. You stare at him for a moment, because you've heard him say that before, when he'd visited you that one night after you'd been freed. But you've heard it before that too- you know you have. He's told you that before, and clearly, he means it.
So you nod. You nod, and you say, "works for me."
"Does it now," Levi deadpans.
You shrug. "Yeah, I guess so. As long as you're not annoying."
"Not annoying."
"You heard me."
"What qualifies as annoying?"
"Haven't decided yet. If I figure it out, I'll let you know."
"You do that."
Feeling a bit better, you gather some of the medical supplies from the bags into your arms, and you follow Mike and the councilwoman down the hall. Levi, as he said he'd be, is right by your side.
To sum up the experience: rewarding, but painfully overwhelming.
The building being used as a hospital was already massive to begin with, and it's been packed full of people. There's barely space to walk between cots holding people with makeshift slings and missing limbs. Everyone is packed so tightly together that you immediately feel claustrophobic.
But you have a job to do, and you'll be damn sure that you're going to do it. With Marco and Jean behind you and Levi beside you, you weave through the injured, handing out packages that you think contain food. People are staring at you- something you've gotten used to over the past few days- and so many people are trying to talk to you that you can't possibly answer them all.
But you try. Especially when one small girl grabs your sleeve and asks, "are you going to kill the president?"
"I'm going to try my damn best," you tell her, and she smiles when you hand her a package.
The group of you go around like that for a while. The air is filled with the sounds of the people of District 8 tearing into the supplies you've brought, and you're getting a lot of looks of relief. Jobs like this make you feel a lot better. It feels like you're actually helping, not like those stupid videos you made.
You glance up at Jean and Marco, who are fiddling with the camera. "You two all good?" you ask.
"Fantastic," Marco says, flashing you a thumbs-up. "This is all good stuff."
"You getting my good side?" you joke.
"Yep," Marco replies at the same time Jean mutters, "which side is your good side?"
You grin. "At least one of you knows what you're doing."
Jean squabbles in protest. "Hey!"
Someone calls your name, and you look up. Mike is calling you over. You step through the crowd, passing out the last of your packages before you can make it to Mike. "Everything good?" you ask as you near.
Mike nods. "Checking on you. Good?"
"Yeah. It was a lot at first, but it's easier."
"And Levi?"
You glance across the room. Levi's a dozen or so feet away, passing out supplies and trying to shake off a kid that's grabbing at his leg. It makes your lips twitch. "All fine," you say, looking back to Mike. "Everything's good."
"Good to hear. I-"
He's cut off by a crackle of static on his hip. You frown at his communication device strapped to his belt; Mike grabs it and clicks a button. "Yeah, Uri, I'm here," he says.
"Capitol ship incoming!"
The two of you freeze. The District 8 people around you freeze.
Mike speaks into the walkie-talkie. "You're sure?"
"Yeah, I'm damn sure! Radar picked it up, it'll be overhead in less than a minute!"
"Fuck," you say out loud.
"Did I hear that right?" someone asks, and you look over to see the councilwoman that Mike was talking to earlier. Her eyes meet Mike's, and her face goes cold. "Capitol incoming!" she shouts, voice ringing above the murmur of her people, and it's impressive how quickly everyone goes quiet.
Mike waves. "Come on, come on!"
He starts to run, back towards where you all came in, and you dash after him, trying to avoid stepping on anyone. Mikasa was closest to the doorway and she's the first one through, Eren on her heels. You see Levi ahead of you, but he stops and waits until you're ahead of him before he continues on.
Soon, all seven of you are through the doorway, and everyone heads back the way you came, weaving through the corridor.
Mike halts you all when you get back to the spot where you'd dropped the supply bags. "Wait," he murmurs, and everyone falls silent. "Wait. Listen."
You pause, your grip painfully tight on your bow. You can hear it: the hum of an incoming aircraft. But it's not loud- is it really only one?
"They saw us come," Marco mutters. "They must've seen us come-"
"Shh," Jean says, his hands on Marco's shoulder. "Quiet."
"It only sounds like one," you murmur.
"Why would there only be one?" Eren hisses.
"Quiet," Levi snaps.
Everyone falls silent again. There's a window near you, covered by a large white sheet. Carefully, you step towards it, keeping your footsteps quiet. No one tells you not to, so you keep going until you're right next to the window. It's a massive, gaping hole in the wall, at least eight feet by eight feet.
Slowly, you pull the sheet back, and you look up into the sky right as the aircraft comes overhead.
It's not a fighter jet or anything like that. It looks bulkier, like a supply ship. And sure enough, there's only one. Is that a... is that a mockingjay painted on the side? Maybe you're imagining it.
And then, things start to fall from the sky.
"What the..." you trail off.
"What is it?" Mike asks from behind you. "Just the one ship?"
"Parachutes," you breathe.
Parachutes. White parachutes, like the ones you saw in your clips of the games, are falling from the sky. There's dozens, a few dozen at least, and then the aircraft has passed overhead and it's still going.
There's silence behind you, until you hear, "parachutes?"
"Parachutes," you repeat, eyes still glued to the sky. They're way high up. "One ship. Dropped a bunch of parachutes and- and they left. The ship's gone."
The people of District 8 have started to see what you're seeing, and they're filing out of the hospital in droves. Seeming to realize that the ship leaving means the imminent danger is gone, the rest of the rebellion group crowds up next to you. Levi pulls the sheet down so that everyone can see, and for a minute, everyone just stares.
District 8 is starting to cheer. You can't blame them; parachutes normally mean good things.
"There's no way the Capitol is sending them gifts," Levi mutters.
Mike frowns. "Could be a way to regain support. Show the districts that they should be aligned with them. Prove who really has the resources."
"Right here, right now?" Jean asks. He's got the camera back up.
Marco nods. "The timing is fishy."
You nod along. "Yeah, if this makeshift hospital has been like this for over a week- why now? Why only when we show up? They know we're here."
"Nothing that indicates they do, though," Mikasa murmurs.
She's right. All of the tiny white parachutes are falling over the massive crowd of the injured, while your little squad is hiding in the building. If they know you're here (which is likely) then they probably know where you are right now. Wouldn't they want to take you out, though?
Eren frowns. "Come on, I want some of that good Capitol stuff."
"Not the time, Eren," Levi grumbles.
"We should prepare to get out," Mike says, eyes glued to the white parachutes falling from the sky. "If they know we're here, we should anticipate an ambush of some kind. Prepare to fall back to the aircraft."
This gets him several nods (and a few relieved glances from your camera crew) but Levi doesn't look convinced. You don't feel relieved yet either. You look back to the packages. They're falling rather quickly, aren't they?
Hm. Arena. You scrunch your eyes shut, trying to remember the arena. There were parachutes there. You remember being soaked, leaning out of a opening in a cave wall... wait.
"Em."
You look to Levi. He's watching you.
"What?" he asks. "Headache?"
"No, I... I'm trying to remember something." You remember reaching, hand craning for the parachute, hands on your waist to keep you from falling... Levi. That was Levi. Right, he was there. Fuck, he grabbed your hips? You push the thought away so that you can say, "we got a parachute, didn't we?"
Levi's eyebrows knit together. "We got two."
"There was one... I was reaching outside of the mountain," you recall, hand extending in front of you as if reaching for that parachute now. You can see the camera angle in your head, the awful video feed... "The package was falling just outside. And I grabbed it."
"I remember," Levi says. "You were nuts. And Pixis was equally nuts for sending you that."
Your lips twitch- yeah, that sounds about right. "It was a lighter," you say. "And it fell pretty quickly, but not as fast as these ones." You turn back to the wave of white parachutes, still tumbling from the sky. Eager hands are rising in anticipation. "These ones are going down faster than ours did, I think."
"That doesn't make sense," Eren argues. "It's a hospital. They'd be sending things like food, water, bandages- nothing heavy."
"Then it's not bandages," Levi says.
Mike raises his gun. He lines it up, waits for a moment, then fires.
One of the falling parachutes, way up high in the sky still and off course from the injured crowd, explodes upon contact. Several shrieks echo from below and hands start pulling back, but the wave of parachutes is down to mere feet from its intended audience.
"Bombs," Levi breathes. "They're dropping fucking bombs."
Your heart drops.
They're dropping bombs. The Capitol is dropping bombs on injured men, women, and children, all starving and praying for some sort of salvation- and for what? To frame the rebellion or some bullshit like that?
"We can't shoot," Mikasa says warningly. "We'll hurt them."
"Fuck," Levi curses.
You team starts to vault through the window, running towards the crowd. What they're planning on doing, you have no idea. If they shoot the packages, especially the lower ones, the injured will still face plenty of backlash from the explosion. There's no safe way to do this...
Fuck that, there's one safe way. You can't hit the package, but maybe you can hit the parachute.
You know what you have to do. You stand up on the window ledge, notch an arrow, and you fire.
One parachute, maybe ten feet above the terrified children below, is the victim of your aim. Your arrow tears into the cloth that makes up the parachute and the bomb is pulled away, the cloth snared in the head of your arrow. Your arrow continues to fly and eventually it embeds itself into the wall of an abandoned building. The arrow hits the wall and the package strikes immediately after; it explodes, out of harm's way.
It worked. Fuck, it worked-
You jump down from the window. "Move!" you demand as you shoulder past Eren and Mikasa, and you start to fire.
Every single one of your arrows finds a parachute, and each one is ripped away from the District 8 crowd and launched somewhere out of the way. You tune out all of the faraway explosions. Mike has started pushing people back, yelling at the injured to "go, go, get back," but there's no way they'd all make it in time. You have to keep firing, have to keep going.
You reload, and you fire again. Another parachute is rocketed away. You twist and fire again; another meets the same fate. Heart in your throat, you go again and again and again until you're grabbing what feels like your last arrow from your quiver-
A weight is dumped on your back, and you whip your head around to see Levi behind you. Your quiver is full again. He grabbed you more arrows- the second quiver he brought. "Go," he says urgently. "Go!"
Something akin to immense gratitude rises in your chest. You spin back towards the scene and fire again, then again, and you can't feel anything, not even the ache in your fingers or the heat in the air from explosions going off-
Someone screams. There's a young girl with a bandaged leg huddled on the ground and a parachute maybe a foot above her head.
Immediately, you let yourself fall to the ground, going for a better angle. As soon as you're low enough, you fire off your arrow, and it flies above the girl and into the parachute, ripping the bomb away from her and sending it off to explode somewhere in the distance. You see Mikasa pick her up and pull her away to safety.
When you scramble to your feet, you see Levi with blades in his hands. You're distracted for a brief second as you watch him throw one, and it cartwheels through the air so fast that you don't turn your head quick enough to see it strike a parachute. He's hit one that no one's underneath anymore, so its explosion affects no one- but it's another one gone from the sky. One less white target for you.
Grateful for the support, you set up your next arrow. "I've got the closer ones!" Levi shouts, and you nod before you fire again. He could easily just let those ones drop, hit the ground harmlessly- but he's doing it to help you prioritize. He's making it easier for you to make quick decisions.
Another glaringly white parachute, another arrow. You fire again and again until there's none left in the sky and your quiver is nearly empty once again.
You can't hear anything, but then again, you couldn't before. You'd tuned out the melodic beeping, the explosions, the screams, the footsteps. Just you and the sound of your heavy breathing as you try to calm yourself down, convince yourself that you've eliminated the threat. Have you?
You spin around, looking to Levi. "Is that all of them? Did anyone get hurt?"
He's looking at you like he wants to kiss you. It makes something heat up in your chest. "You got them all," Levi says breathlessly, the remainder of his throwing knives falling from his hands and to the ground. "You're good. You got them all."
You got them all. You turn back to the evacuated area, and your shoulders drop as a massive weight is lifted from your shoulders. You got them all.
And you couldn't have done it without him. Levi, who realized you were the only one who could put the parachutes off course safely. Levi, who realized you'd run out of arrows. Levi, who'd grabbed you more and stayed by your side the whole time while the others had spent their time corralling all of the injured District 8 people.
He stayed. He stayed by you and supported you. Like he's done one hundred times before, right?
"I got them all," you repeat, still not quite able to believe it.
"You did," Levi agrees.
Fuck it- fuck it all.
You don't let yourself think. You drop your bow and dump your quiver on the ground, then step towards Levi. You throw your arms around his shoulders and bury your face in his neck. You're just so relieved, so overwhelming grateful that it all worked out- and not only that it all worked out but that you had Levi at your side through it all. Levi, whom you've yelled at and attacked and screamed at.
But he's kept coming back. He's always come back. He's stayed, stayed with you through all of this, even with how awfully you've treated him.
Levi, for a moment, is completely frozen. Then, his arms snake around your waist and he pulls you in tight. You can feel it as he exhales, releasing a shaky breath, and you wonder what's going through his head right now. You wish you could find out.
You hold on to him for a moment more, counting to three in your head before you carefully pull yourself back. Levi's hands linger on your waist for a moment before he pulls himself back as well, but he's still staring at you with so much emotion in just his eyes alone that it makes you want to melt.
He's got really pretty eyes, doesn't he? Really pretty grey eyes.
"Fuck, I..." you trail off. "I'm sorry."
"Don't," Levi says immediately. "Never apologize."
He can't say that. He can't say that, not when you've got so much you need to apologize for. You've put him through hell and back throughout all of this- how can he just... still be here through it all? How can he be okay with all of this?
You reach down and grab your weaponry from the ground where you'd dropped it. You spin to take in your surroundings: Mike, Mikasa, and Eren are still with the injured, helping a few that were roughed up in the attempt to escape the bombs, and Jean and Marco are behind you, both looking at their camera and muttering.
A thought occurs to you, and you turn to the camera. "Were you filming that?" you ask, and they both look up. "All of that?"
"That's what we were just talking about," Jean says. "We think we got that whole thing."
"Up to talking a bit?" Marco asks, raising the camera.
You glance at Levi. He takes a few steps back, as if he's letting you have the spotlight. For once, you want it. You want the attention. "Fuck yeah I am," you say firmly, and Marco takes a couple of steps forward to get whatever he wants in the background.
"Tell us what happened," Jean says, eyes flickering from you to the camera.
You straighten yourself up. "I'm here in District 8, where the Capitol has just attempted to bomb a hospital filled with injured men, women, and children," you say clearly, and just saying it out loud is filling you with rage. "It was under the guise of help as they dropped parachutes down that exploded upon- exploded upon contact."
Jean rolls his fingers in a circle, a sign to keep going. "You pretended to help them, and then you- and then you bomb them?" you ask desperately, looking behind you to the crowd and then back to the camera. "And for what?" You remember that mockingjay sketched onto the side of the aircraft. "So you could- so you could try and pin it on the rebellion? You would end all of these lives just for- just for that?"
You no longer need Jean's signal; you're on a roll. "You dropped parachutes," you snap. "You dropped fucking parachutes. You gave them hope and then shattered it. This is a new low, even for you, Rod. Or Zackly, or whatever fucking egotistical maniac back there came up with this shitty new ploy. You are desperate," you say firmly, pointing at the camera, "and you are cruel. This is- this is beyond cruel, this is..."
You trail off, looking back to the crowd. Adults hugging children, cradling them close. People whispering- praying. To who?
"Is it fucking worth it, Rod?" you challenge, looking back to the camera. "Is it really that important that you're willing to bomb a goddamn hospital?"
What did they do to him? Nothing except- except exist in your presence. It's all because the rebellion was here. Once again, this all comes back to you. But you can't blame yourself- you're not the one who dropped the bombs.
"Fuck you, Rod Reiss," you snap, heart heavy, "for ever saying you cared about us."
Marco lowers the camera. "Fucking nailed it," Jean says, giving you a thumbs up. "Good shit, Mockingjay."
Yeah. Good shit. You exhale shakily, nodding, and you look back to Levi.
He nods at you. "Good shit."
"Good shit," you agree, looking back to the people of District 8. You look back to Levi, and you grin. "Good fucking shit."
His lips twitch. You decide, then and there, that you're going to see that meadow tonight if it's the last thing you do.
.
You all get home safely.
The seven of you manage to all get back to the ship, safe and sound. Mike and Levi spend the entire trip back in the cockpit with the pilot ("Calling home base, probably," is Eren's theory). You don't mind; it gives you some time to collect yourself, to figure out exactly what you want to say to Levi when you get the chance.
Firing those arrows, aiming for those parachutes- you think that's the first time since you woke up that you've truly felt like yourself again.
When the ship lands and everyone's standing up, Eren taps your shoulder. "That was awesome," he says earnestly.
You frown. "What was awesome?"
"Your shooting." His hand rises to rub the back of his head sheepishly. "I've never seen you shoot, I've just heard you were good- like, first time seeing you actually shoot in action. Not on one of those ranges. So that was really damn cool."
"Thanks," you say, straightening yourself up.
"I didn't see it," Mikasa says. Your gaze shifts to her, but she's looking at Eren. "I was helping get the people of District 8 out of the way. Like we were supposed to."
Eren winces. "C'mon, Mikasa, no one was hurt, cut me some slack."
They wander down the ramp, bickering (mostly Eren whining and Mikasa pinching his arm) and it makes you grin. "He's right," someone says behind you, and you turn to see Jean. "That was some crazy shit."
"You're really good," Marco says with a grin.
"Thanks," you say as they pass you, headed down the ramp. You glance back at the cockpit; no one's come out yet. Fine then. You can wait a little bit longer.
You navigate back to your room, escaping some watchful eyes and one especially annoying man who nags you about how the mission went until you threaten to shoot him in the eye. When you get back to your room, you strip yourself of your clothes and shower, washing yourself of the District 8 dust. Once you're clean, you change into comfy clothing and collapse on your bed.
Will he come get you, or should you go to him? Maybe you should go to him. Is he even back yet?
Your question is answered not even a minute later when there's a quiet knock on your door.
You roll off your bed and bounce to your feet, trying to banish your nerves. When you get to the door, you pull it open, and there's Levi. Black hoodie and black sweatpants- he's cozy, like you are. He looks good- really good.
Levi's eyes scan over you before they lock on yours. "Shall we?" he asks.
You beam. "We shall."
Since you don't really know where you're going, Levi leads the way. The two of you make it to a set of massive bay doors that open up to the outdoors, and just being able to take in a massive forest is enough to make you sigh in relief. The forest in District 8 hadn't quite been the same and you'd barely been in it for a few minutes- this feels more like home.
Levi leads the way still, wandering through the forest for a while until you hear rushing water. Levi tells you to lead and you do, heading towards the stream, and you walk along it for a ways. Neither of you really say much, but you don't mind- it's something in his presence that makes you feel safe, not something in his words. But those are nice too, you suppose.
Eventually, you get to a part of the river that makes you pause. There's three crosses in the riverbed. "I've seen those," you say softly, crouching beside them. "I see these in my dreams. And that means..."
You look up the hill, away from the river. Sure enough, you can see a meadow, the meadow from your dreams, a collection of white and yellow and some light purple. You look to Levi, grinning, and you start walking towards it, a bit of a skip in your step.
Levi trails after you as you pick a spot in the center of the meadow and collapse, flopping down onto your back. "This is it," you say triumphantly. "This is the place."
He doesn't reply. Levi sits down next to you, and you tilt your head to look up at him. "Lie down," you urge. "It's nice!"
"It's unsanitary," he dismisses.
You roll your eyes. "You're already sitting down."
"Yeah, just sitting. I'm not putting my hair in the dirt, I just showered."
"Shower again when you get back, dumbass."
"Is that your plan?"
"Yeah."
"Fine."
Levi falls onto his back next to you, and you hear him exhale as he relaxes into the flowers. You smile to yourself. You two were here before, and you can see it all now: sitting in the meadow, Levi's head in your lap, combing through his hair with your fingers, talking...
Talking. Oh. Now you remember.
You sink a bit deeper into your spot. This spot wasn't just peaceful for you- it was peaceful for Levi too. He'd told you everything, hadn't he? His history, his time as a gladiator and everything that happened to him, and...
Oh, man. Levi. Levi, who went through all of that and then trusted you with it, and then watched all that progress go down the drain.
God, you want to give him a hug. You tip your head to glance at him. His eyes are closed. He's close enough that you could hold his hand. Should you? Fuck it.
You reach out, and your fingertips skim over his sleeve. Levi doesn't move right away, and for a second, you think he hasn't felt your touch. But then he twists his hand, palm open, and you lace your fingers with his. You hear him sigh, and he squeezes your palm. He's holding your hand a bit too tightly, like he's afraid you'll change your mind and let go, but you don't mind.
The two of you lay in silence for a while. Eventually, Levi murmurs, "I'll take this as a sign that you don't hate me."
"Very astute observation of you," you agree.
He scoffs. "Fuck off."
You laugh. "Oh, come on. I couldn't help it."
You both go quiet again. You're sort of waiting for Levi to talk, hoping to let him take the reins of this conversation, but that doesn't look very likely.
"Were you really going to let me kill you?" you ask eventually, your voice quiet.
Levi doesn't reply right away. Finally, he says, "that time in your hospital room? The day after you woke up?"
You nod, then realize he's not looking at you and you say, "yeah. When you cut my bonds, threw a knife at me, and told me to try and kill you."
He's quiet still. Then, "I don't know."
"What if I had?"
"I didn't think you were going to."
"At that point? I don't think that was a gamble you should've taken."
Levi's head tips sideways so that he's looking at you. "What's your point?"
You bite the inside of your cheek. "What if I had?"
"You didn't."
"Yeah, but I wanted to."
"But you didn't."
"But what if I did, Levi?" You don't think he gets what you're trying to get at. "What if I'd killed you and I had to live with that?"
Levi scoffs. "At that point, I think you would've been fine with that."
"Yeah, but... with everything they were doing, I would've gotten better at some point, and then I..." you trail off, not quite sure where you're going with this. "You would've been fine with that. Dying. Right there."
He tips his gaze back to the sky. "I'm not important in the grand scheme of things."
You hate that. "Says who?"
Levi doesn't reply.
You hate that he thinks like that. You've heard him say something like that before, haven't you? Right here? Something about how he doesn't matter. You hate that, you hate it all, but it has to come from somewhere, it has to...
"Do you not think you deserve anything good?" you ask softly.
Levi's head turns to stare at you.
Frowning, you let go of his hand so that you can twist onto your side and prop yourself up on one elbow. "You say shit like... like you're not important, not important in the 'grand scheme of things' or whatever," you say. "Like you don't matter. What even is the grand fucking scheme? Why does there have to be some sort of scheme? Why can't you just- why can't you just exist for you? Like, why do you- why do you think you have to be important to these big plans in order to matter?"
He's still staring at you. You can't decipher the emotion in his eyes.
You frown at him. "You don't need to be... you don't need to be useful to other people to feel like you're important," you tell him quietly. "You don't need to completely disregard yourself and your own wellbeing for other people."
"That's not the point," Levi argues softly, sitting up. "Erwin needed me. He had a job-"
"Fuck Erwin and his stupid jobs," you interrupt. "That's not fair to put on you. And what happens when he doesn't have anything else for you? Then what?"
His mouth opens, then closes. "I have you," he settles on.
"I'm not a job," you retort.
"No, you're not a fucking- no, but I'm..." Levi trails off, unable to put his thoughts into words. "I can do good with you," he finally manages. "I can help you."
"You said it yourself, I'm not a job. Don't treat me like one."
"The fuck do you mean, Em?"
"You just- you've done so much stupid shit, Levi," you snap, and you can feel heat biting at your eyes because trying to say what you want to say is hard and your head is hurting but you need to get it all out there, you need to- "You were willing to let me kill you, for fuck's sake. You can help, sure, but you're fucking risking your life for every 'job' you take on because you think it makes you useful, it gives you purpose-"
"Fuck off," Levi scoffs, looking away. "You don't know shit."
"I do," you return, and you're trembling when you say, "you told me. Right here."
He pauses. "You remember."
Your teeth sink into the inside of your cheek. You don't reply.
Levi sighs softly, and he lays back down into the grass. He lets his eyes shut, and his lips pinch together.
He deserves the world. He really does. That brings up another thought, and you laugh to yourself before you murmur, "you know, when we sat here the first time." Your head pounds as you try to recall exactly what you were feeling. "I remember thinking I would never be good enough for you."
Levi's neck snaps towards you so quickly that you think you hear a crack. "Don't fucking say that," he says warningly.
"Let me guess," you say. "You were thinking the same thing."
Levi's eyes meet yours. Warm, delightful grey that threatens to make you melt. You stay where you are, leaning on your elbow on your side. You have a stupid urge to kiss him, to just lean down and get it over with. Because once you do that, you think that the two of you really do stand a chance of getting back to where you were before.
But he looks troubled, so you can't. Not until he's completely okay with this, not until everything is sorted out. So you stay quiet, waiting for him to talk.
Eventually, he does. "You don't hate me," Levi says slowly, "real or not real."
Your lips twitch. "Real."
"You remember us. That you were my..."
When he doesn't finish, you answer anyways. "Most of... us. I remember most of it. Real."
"So you know how I feel about you."
"Real. You still feel the same way about me? After everything-" you cut yourself off, swallowing the lump in your throat- "after everything I said to you? Everything I put you through?"
Levi's gaze is soft. "Very real," he murmurs.
You pinch your lips together. After everything you did. Everything you said. Here he still is. "I'm sorry," you say.
"You don't need to-"
"Shut up and let me apologize, you idiot," you order, and Levi's mouth shuts. "I- I said so much shit to you, shit I'm never going to be able to take back, and you've had so much patience with me through it all, so... thank you. I'm sorry."
Some of his hair has fallen into his eyes. "That wasn't necessary," he murmurs.
"It was," you insist. "Now shut the fuck up."
His lips twitch. "Is there anything..." he trails off. "Are you mad at me for anything? That I have to clear up?"
Fuck, is he ever fucking thoughtful. God. You frown to yourself, absently picking at a blade of grass. "I don't think... actually, there is one," you say, looking to him. "Just one, though. For now."
"For now," Levi echoes. "What?"
"You still can't tell me what we are," you murmur. "What I am to you."
He sighs. "That's just because I haven't been able to sum you up yet. Nothing does you justice."
Something in your chest flutters. "Try," you suggest with a grin.
Levi's gaze moves from you to the sky. He's quiet for a while, and all you can hear is the rushing water from the stream until he says, "I think you're the answer to a question I didn't know I had."
Answer. Just like how Levi is the answer to everything with you.
His eyes meet yours. If you could pick a moment in time to freeze and live in for the rest of your life, you think you'd want to pick right here and now. With his eyes on you and your heart beating frantically in your chest.
And then you remember something else.
"You're waiting for me to kiss you," you say, echoing some of Levi's words from somewhere deep in the back of your brain. "Real or not real?"
Levi looks at you like you're the only thing in the world. "Real."
You lean in, and Levi cranes his neck up from the ground, and the entire world melts away. The meadow doesn't matter, District 13 doesn't matter, the entire war doesn't matter. Just your lips on his, just the shaky exhale from Levi that you think is from relief. Just that.
He reaches out to you and grabs your hip, pulling you over top of him. You're happy to go with it, happy for Levi's hands to settle on your hips, happy to kiss him until your lips hurt. Happy to pull away and just let your forehead rock against his, breathing in each other's air for a moment.
"Can we stay here?" you whisper. "For a while?"
Levi kisses your forehead. "Em," he murmurs, "I'm not going anywhere."
You smile. You kiss him again. When he kisses you back, you know he means it.
.
xoxo see you Friday <3