Ten Months Ago
When Rianna left, I didn't say another word to Alek. My mind is a chaotic mess as I try to process the kiss and my feelings about it.
I should have never been in this spot. I should have never felt another guy's lips against my own. I never should have been fighting to move on from a guy I've been with for so long.
Keaton did this. He put me in the position where I'm left with no other option. I'm left wading through the shattered fragments of a relationship that I was sure would last a lifetime. Now I have to pick up the pieces and find out where they fit in building my new life.
I owe it to myself to at least try to see if I can not only find happiness in myself but with another person.
Before Keaton cheated on me, which I'm finally seeing was a lot longer than I wanted to admit, I would have never even thought about it. Keaton was all I could see. He was my life, my love, and my heart. He was the only person I wanted to be with. Keaton Carr was my end game and had been since the moment I met him at five years old. To know that it was so easy to turn away from me after everything we've been through kills me. It makes me question everything we had together because if our love was real for him, then he shouldn't have been able to push me to the side so easily. If it was real, another girl wouldn't have been able to take my place. Keaton had another girlfriend, and I didn't even know it.
Or more like I didn't want to admit it. Not until I had to.
Keaton wasn't the only one in heavy denial and it took witnessing the physical act to finally open my eyes to the truth.
Now, whenever I think about it all, the subtle signs were there. Flipping his phone facedown, defending her anytime someone said something about her, always running when she needed her "friend", ignoring the way everyone tried to warn him. They were all right in front of my face and I completely overlooked them.
Why? Why the hell did I do that? Would it have made a difference if I acknowledged his cheating the moment it started?
Again.
The moment it started again. Because I acknowledged the signs the first time.
I needed to have hope that Keaton would never jeopardize our relationship. I needed to know that he loved me enough to never betray me like that. Do I still believe that he loves me? I think in his own way. Somewhere inside him, the love we shared with each other for six years still burns.
It just doesn't burn enough.
Not anymore.
And I'll never settle for anything less. I need the person I share a life with to be all-in with me and only me. If I can't have that with anyone, then I'd rather be alone.
Nothing wrong with becoming a cat lady.
Alek's worried eyes follow me around the cake as I complete the closing duties. This isn't unusual. A few times a week he's parked at a table with his laptop as he waits for me to get off and then he'll take me home. The nights he's not here, Amelia is. They've refused to leave me on my own.
I don't think it's because they believe I can't take care of myself. They do it because they're concerned with how I'm feeling.
As much as I appreciate it and even enjoy their company, their presence is getting stifling. I really don't want to tell them that though, because they're the only people who know the exact horror and heartbreak I've experienced. My parents know, Keaton's parents do. Hell, even the whole fucking campus knows. But none of them have witnessed the days my mind goes dark or witnessed when I awake with a cry because my mind enjoys playing a fucking montage of Keaton and her.
It's been Amelia and Alek for the last two months and, for now, I don't want that to change.
After locking up the back and making sure I power everything down, I flip off the lights, grab my bag, and head out to Alek.
He glances up at the sound of my footsteps and smiles as he closes his laptop. "You ready, Lollie?"
I aim a vicious scowl at him when he uses that ridiculous nickname he's given me. "Why do you call me that? It's silly and makes no sense."
Once he has everything gathered, he stands and tweaks my nose. "Because you're sweet and cute, just like a lollipop." His eyes drop to my lips for a second and fill with heat. "Really, really sweet."
The look has my lips tingling, but since I'm not ready to process it, I ignore the feeling for now and tease him. "Are you going to take me home or stand there and flirt with me badly?"
Alek mock gasps as he grabs his laptop bag and suit jacket. "How dare you call my flirting bad. I practice these smooth moves in front of a mirror daily."
I pat his head when I walk past him to hold the door open. "Might need to work on it some more then, buddy."
****
The ride to my apartment is filled with the familiar banter between us before it eventually switches to my job ventures.
"I'm still waiting to hear from a couple of them," I reply when he asks me about the places I've applied.
"Eh, we both know you'll get a call back. You have experience in your field and you graduated with a bachelor's degree. Have you thought about Grinder's?"
"What about it?"
"Buying it. Toby mentioned something about thinking of selling. I'm sure he'd sell it to you for a reasonable price, or at least work with you on buying it."
That's something I've never considered before. I don't know how I could make it work, though, if I wanted to. I have a tiny nest egg saved up, but it's nowhere near enough to buy a business.
Is that something I even want to do? Buying Grinder's would mean having roots here. I already have that with my parents because I grew up in Granite Bay, but I've always had the option to leave if I wanted to. Keaton, Amelia, and I had planned to open a business here together, but since he cheated on me, I don't know if I want this city to be my home base anymore.
"Doing that would mean being stuck in Granite Bay. I'm still not sure what I'm doing yet," I reply quietly.
"Did you apply for any jobs outside of Granite Bay?"
"One or two a few towns over, but most have been here."
"What about where I work? Did you apply for the marketing manager position we have open?" Alek asks.
"Of course I did. It was the first one."
GB Acquisitions is one of the biggest companies in the state. A job there would look amazing on my resume. I just don't know if it's a smart idea to work in the same place as Alek.
"I'll talk to Mario when I go in tomorrow and see if I can't speed up the process."
I reach over and place my hand on top of his on the shifter. "No. Don't do that. I don't want a job based on who I know, Alek. I want one based on my credentials." His hand shifts under mine and I yank mine away, dropping it to my lap. "If I'm meant to get the job, then I will. For now, I'm good at Grinders."
The casual touches between us are getting easier to accept. Guilt continuously tries to sneak in because my heart hasn't quite caught up to my head, but I do my best to shove it back. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm single for the first time in almost seven years and it feels...strange. It's not bad, but it is different. I'm so used to doing everything with Keaton as a couple that adjusting to doing it single is something it'll take a while to get used to. I'm not ready to get into a relationship with anyone. I don't think I will be for a while and it's not because I'm waiting on Keaton. I don't want him back. At least...not for a very long time. If ever. That image from the poolhouse...
A shudder rolls over me.
I don't know if it's something that will ever go away.
My apartment complex comes into view and my palms sweat as we pull into the designated parking space. I know what's coming next. It's the same thing that does every time he drops me off.
He's out and rounding the car to my side, opening the door and holding out his hand to help me. Once I'm standing on my feet, he drops my hand and steps away so he doesn't crowd me. He shoves his hands in his slack pockets as he walks me to my apartment. The one thing I enjoy about being friends with Alek is that the silence is comfortable. He doesn't have the need to fill it with unnecessary conversation. For the last two months, the world around me has been loud as fuck, so the silence feels good.
"You ready to put me out of my misery yet, Lollie, and go out on a date with me?" he asks with that cheeky smile of his that I've seen get him in trouble many times.
I stick my keys in the knob, but instead of opening it, I lean back against it and look up at him as I think over his question. Nibbling on my bottom lip, I study his face as I try to find...something. I don't know what. Maybe something that tells me whether this guy is trustworthy or whether he'll hurt me.
When I realize what I'm doing, I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths to settle my chaotic emotions. I refuse to let Keaton's betrayal fuck with me so much that I'm questioning the motives of any guy I come across. Especially ones I'm close to.
My lips curve in a small smile as I peer up at him. "Can I think about it?"
It takes him a minute to realize that I didn't give him a flat-out no and his eyes widen as his lips curl into a slow smile. "It's not a no this time, so you do what you got to do, pretty girl." His eyes roam over my face softly. "If you're not ready, then don't force it, Char, yeah? There's no pressure and I won't be pissed if you say no. I only want to take you out and let you have some fun."
Warmth fills my chest and I raise a brow. "Is that the only thing you want?"
The tease comes off more flirty than I expected, but the cheesy smile he gives me has me relaxing.
I can do this. It's just casual dates with a friend.
"Oh, it's not the only thing I want," he teases, his eyes dropping to my lips.
Okay. So, casual dates with friends who kiss. No big deal.
"Can I kiss you?"
My eyes fall to his mouth at his question. My head is telling me to go for it, but my stupid fucking heart wavers as it cries out for the one it belongs to. I'm tired of listening to my heart, though. The damn thing is useless at guiding me to people that won't break it. I think I'll try listening to my head for a change.
At my slow nod, he steps closer and lifts both palms to rest against the door so that he's caging me in. Alek teases me at first with light brushes of his lips against mine before he finally stops playing and tangles his tongue with mine.
I keep my mind firmly in the present and what's happening right now, no matter how much it fights me to go somewhere else. My hands leave the door and land on his chest, fisting his shirt and dragging him closer, as he deepens the kiss.
My stomach flutters and I swear I can feel the pounding of my heart throughout my face.
Alek slides his leg between both of mine until his knee rests against my pussy and the thickness of his dick behind his slacks rests against my leg. I'm so lost in the sensations that pour through me, I unintentionally rub against his knee. He must feel the heat from my pussy because he lets out a deep groan of pleasure and suddenly I'm tossed back into the pool house.
Keaton's groan.
Rianna's malicious smirk and taunting words.
Keaton's bare dick covered in her juices.
Over and over they play until I want to scream at the unfairness of it. All I want to do is move on, but how the hell can I do that when something as small as a groan triggers me?
"Charlie? Look at me, Charlie," Alek calls from far away.
Pressure on my chin has the taunting memories fading away and I'm left staring into pretty olive green eyes.
Alek holds my chin up as he stares down at my face. "Talk to me. Where did you go?"
"The fucking pool house," I say bitterly.
I'm never going to look at one again without it being a fucking reminder I wasn't enough for my boyfriend.
"What set it off? The kiss?"
His voice is full of understanding and I can't appreciate him any more than I do right now. "No. It was the groan."
"Fuck."
"Pretty much," I mutter.
He sighs and after inspecting my eyes one last time, he drops it and steps away, shoving his hands in his pockets and taking away his warmth. "I'm sorry, Charlie."
I shake my head and straighten. "Don't be. You're not the reason I'm in this position. Keaton is."
Might as well lay the blame where it belongs.
Unlocking the door and shoving it open, I glance over my shoulder. "Are you going to come in for a few?"
"Do you need me to?"
I sift through my head and heart to figure out what I'm feeling.
Anger.
So much anger.
Well, hello step two.
Rebecca told me I would eventually go through each step of the grieving process, but I was stuck between denial and anger for the last two months and I thought I'd never settle on one. She said that for each step I reach, I'm another step closer to healing and moving on and that I should embrace each one.
"Actually, no. I'm good. Thanks for giving me a lift home."
"I've got to go out of town for the weekend. We have a business that I have to look into."
"You and David?" I ask, leaning against my door jamb.
He nods. "And Jerica."
I tilt my head as I stare at him. There was something in his tone just now. "It's her, isn't it?"
"What?"
"The person you have feelings for."
He chuckles. "Don't be ridiculous. She's like my little sister, Lollie. The only person I feel anything for is you. A big dose of fucking lust."
I roll my eyes with a smile. Denial. I'm pretty familiar with it. This is something he'll need to come to terms with on his own, though. Who knows? Maybe the weekend away together will open his eyes.
"You're a goof," I reply. "Let me know when you land safe?"
"Of course. I'm only a phone call away if you need me." He reaches out and tweaks my nose. "And think about that date, yeah?"
For the first time since I found Keaton balls deep in Rianna, the thought of telling him I'm going on a date with Alek sends a delicious thrill dancing up my spine.
Embrace each one. Well, Rebecca, looks like anger's winning out today.
"I'll go. If you come back and still want to go, then I accept," I tell him before I lose my nerve.
"You'll go?"
"If you still want to when you come back. Just as friends," I feel the need to clarify.
Classifying it as anything else right now will have me running for the woods.
"Friends," he repeats, stepping closer.
"Yep," I confirm with a nod.
"Who kiss," he murmurs, dropping his head closer.
"Who kiss."
Oh, if only Keaton was having to see Alek attach himself to my mouth right now. Would it send a knife through his heart? Would it rip it from his chest and leave it laying at his feet? I hope so because I don't think he quite understands the pain he's put me through.
Alek bites my lip, yanking my thoughts back to him before his tongue steals its way inside, proving to me that no matter how Keaton made me feel, I am still desirable.
Too bad it had to take another guy to show me that instead of the fucking asshole I'm stupidly still in love with.