A/N - 58k reads!
Thank you so much for the continuous support all the way from the beginning up to now.
When I released the first chapter, I thought that maybe only 100 people would read it, but to have nearly 60k reads is just amazing. I never thought I would actually release a book that people really enjoy reading.
Hope you have enjoyed it so far :)
2 days later
Rosie's POV:
"Rosie?". Keira's voice floated across the room towards me. I was engrossed in watching some random video on Tik Tok, so slowly replied, "mhm?". By not even looking up at her, I could tell she was staring at me, clearly unimpressed with my very unenthusiastic answer. She spoke again, "have you talked to Millie recently?". That made me look up from my phone screen and raise my eyebrows at her - confused at why she just randomly brought up Millie.
The truth was, I hadn't spoken to her in a long time. I think it was at training, the day after the party. She had left numerous voicemails and messages on every single social media app possible, but I just couldn't bring myself to reply. Since it was the end of the season, I didn't have a reason to leave the house, go to training and see her there. It's not as if I didn't want to see her, I just wasn't sure where I would even start when telling her everything. Of course, I trusted her, but I'm trying to move on from what happened, not tell the story forever more. I wanted her to know, I just knew that I couldn't be the one to tell her. All I could picture when I thought about telling her, is her broken face. Confusion because she didn't realise. Probably anger at herself even though she couldn't have done anything. And most of all sadness, at the thought that I nearly disappeared from this world forever.
Keira noticed my silence and said my name again. I sighed, put my phone down next to me and answered, trying to play it off as if I wasn't bothered, "no not really". She narrowed her eyes and questioned back, "what do you mean 'not really'?". I replied, "I-...We just haven't spoken in a while". She was sitting on the sofa with her legs stretched across it, but when I replied, she put both feet on the floor and asked, "and you're okay with that?". I shrugged my shoulders, "I guess...". She looked at me with a calm and gentle expression on her face, "have you told her what happened? Have you even spoken to her since you saw her at training before?". I shook my head to both questions and looked at the floor. She continued, "Rosie, that was over a week ago...". I shrugged my shoulders again and replied, "so?". She replied to me, "do you not think she'll be worried that she's heard nothing from you in that long? She'll think you've broken up with her". I went to correct her and tell her that we were never actually girlfriends, but before I could, she carried on talking, "she cares about you just as much as we do. I think you should talk to her". I stood up and turned to face her, while smirking, "maybe" before leaving the room.
I went to grab a bottle of water out of the fridge to cool myself down because it was hot outside. 27 degrees to be exact. Living up in the north for my entire life, whenever there was a national heatwave in the UK, the temperature in Sunderland barely got above 20 degrees. And even then, there was either light rain or wind to accompany it with. Obviously because Lucy and Keira travelled about a bit on holidays and with club and country, they were completely used to it. I, however, was not. It was also recognisable that I had a suntan from all the football training I was doing outside in shorts. Previously for my school team, we trained in the school's gym because the boy's team got priority of the actual pitch. Unfortunately when I was in hospital, I still looked as white as a ghost. But that was my mission for the summer, to re-obtain my golden glow and be back to looking healthy again.
Lucy had gone shoe shopping with Leah and Jordan but Keira didn't want to go so she said that she would stay home with me. That sounds as if I need babysitting, but I don't. I understand why they don't want me to be alone, and to be honest, I don't want to be alone either. When I'm on my own, it gives my brain time to run away with it's thoughts and think about things that I wouldn't necessarily think about if I was with company. You would think that in a pretty big house, two people wouldn't bump into eachother much. But it seemed that today, wherever I was, Keira was either there when I got there or she joined me. Each time we would see one another she would make comments such as, "you texted Millie yet?" or, "I think you should go and meet her instead of texting. Probably better for a situation like this". Each time, I just shook my head, but inside, I was laughing at how desperate she was for me and Millie to fix what had happened.
It was about 1.30 pm. Keira had just made this pasta salad for lunch which was really nice. I had also managed to eat a full portion, for the first time since before I was admitted to hospital. Even when I was in there and there was barely any decent food available, I didn't feel hungry. Keira and Lucy could understand that for a few days since I had my stomach pumped, but in the past few days it was clear they were becoming slightly worried. Both of them had their eyes set on me during mealtimes, checking how much I ate. To me, it was the most useless thing ever and they have no need to be worried because I knew that I would eventually have a strong appetite again like before. But I understood their concern. Their daughter had just come out of hospital after a suicide attempt, the last thing they wanted was for her to develop an eating disorder as well. Yep that's right, I said 'their daughter'. I was told that Keira's name was now on my birth certificate and she was now my second mother at the BBQ. I can't lie, there were a few tears. Not all from me, mainly from the girls who were present at the time and Lucy in particular. I was happy at that moment. Even if it was only for a moment before it was snatched away from me, I was happy.
Keira paused stacking the dishwasher, walked over towards me and instructed, "put your shoes on". I was a little confused, but followed her towards the front door and shoved on some white trainers. She grabbed her keys, locked the front door and unlocked her clean white car before getting in the drivers seat, followed by me getting in the passenger seat.
When we had reversed out of the driveway, I questioned her, "where are we going?". She shrugged her shoulders and replied with, "their name starts with an M and ends in an E. We're going to their house". She was trying to be funny, but I worked it out the second she said M. Oh shit. I was far from ready to see her. I put my head on my hands and groaned, "nooo. Please turn the car round and go back home. Please?". She laughed lightly and shook her head, clearly finding me panicking very funny indeed. I tried to make her reason with me, "I can't go to her house because I look like an absolute mess". When we were stopped at traffic lights, she swivelled her head round and faced me, grinning, "you look beautiful. Don't worry it'll be fine". I smiled internally, but I was still freaking out about what the hell I was going to say to her. My brain was working overdrive with thinking about it until Keira spoke, "stop overthinking. You're making my brain hurt now". I laughed and she spoke again, "she deserves an explanation...". I replied, "I know, I just don't know how I'm going to tell her. I just feel like when I say how it happened, it's just going to make everything i'm trying to forget flood back into my brain". She processed what I had said before saying, "I could tell her if you want?". I looked across to her gratefully and replied, "will you actually?". She grinned and replied, "of course! You are my daughter after all...". I smirked and said, "thank you mum". She produced a smile as wide as her face, but I brought her back down to Earth, "don't get used to me calling you that though. Even though you feel like a mother, you're just Keira to me". She faced me as we pulled outside Millie's house, "I suppose I could live with you calling me Keira. Lucy would get jealous anyway if she heard you calling me mum aswell".
We stood on the step as Keira reached forward and rang the bell. I could hear it echo through Millie's house, and I desperately hoped that no one was in. Unfortunately, luck was against me, as the door was opened by a confused looking Joanne. When she saw it was us, she invited us inside. Keira let me go in first, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. Millie was stood at the bottom of the stairs, staring at us. I began to speak, "err...hi?". She rolled her eyes and said, "cut the bull shit. Where have you been?". Joanne lightly hit Millie's arm for swearing in front of her. I understood why Millie was pissed off - after all, I hadn't text or spoken to her in over a week. Keira tried to resolve the tense conversation, "maybe we should all talk about it". I smiled gratefully at her, Joanne agreed and let us through to the living room. Millie sat on an armchair, Joanne was on one sofa, and Keira and I were on another. I felt a warm arm make it's way around my back, and I was glad that Keira was doing this with me. If she wasn't, I don't know when I would have told Millie.
Keira glanced at me and asked calmly, "do you want to tell them or me?". I mumbled, "you, please". She nodded her head and began to speak, "Rosie...Rosie has been in hospital for a couple of days because she attempted suicide". Immediately after she said those few words, I looked down at my knees - not wanting to see their reactions. Thoughts were running freely around my brain - would they believe me? What would they say? Would they look at me any different than before?. All of those thoughts that I knew I shouldn't be thinking, but I was.
Movement next to me dragged me from my thoughts. A pair of arms wrapping me up like a christmas present. An unfamiliar scent filled my nostrils and I knew it was Joanne, not Millie. I knew everything about Millie. I knew her favourite shampoo, her favourite perfume, her favourite and least favourite food. Unless she had changed her perfume, this wasn't her. As much as I wanted it to be her, I couldn't be surprised. I had ignored her for a week and hadn't even texted her when I was released from hospital. Joanne engulfed me for a while until she cleared her thoat and spoke, "I'm so sorry Rosie. And proud of you for being here today". I flashed her a weak smile before turning my head to face the beautiful blonde haired girl sat across the room from me. Her usual smile was replaced with a frown. Her rosy red cheeks were ashen grey. Nothing about her seemed like her usual self. When she saw I was staring, we made brief eye contact for a moment before I became scared and looked away. Joanne suggested, "maybe we should let you two talk?". Keira quickly agreed and before either one of us could protest, they left Millie and I in a room on our own.
I expected the silence to be awkward, but it wasn't. She kept glancing up at me, almost checking that I was still there. Finally she spoke, biting her lip, "sorry for being a bitch earlier...I didn't know...". I shrugged my shoulders, "It's fine. I'm sorry for not telling you before today, I didn't know how to". She nodded her head in understandment and sighed before standing up. For a moment, I thought she was going to leave the room, but she slowly made her way to where I was sitting. She stood next to me and I looked up at her, emotion glazing both of our eyes. Brushing a piece of hair behind my ear, she whispered, "I missed you". I smiled up at her and responded with the same quietness as her, "I missed you too". She gripped my hands and pulled me up from my seat and into a warm, affectionate hug. Relaxing into her body as I wrapped my arms around her lower back as she held my upper back protectively. I know it sounds cringey, but our bodies just slotted together like jigsaw pieces. As if one of them has been missing for a while, but has finally been found and returned to it's position. She mumbled something into my shoulder but I couldn't hear exactly what she said. My brain made it sound like 'I love you' but that couldn't possibly be what she said. We had known eachother for less than six months, she couldn't love me. Could she? I had never experienced love before, but what I felt with Millie was indescribable. Something I have never, ever felt with anyone. It was unique.
We both sat down on the sofa next to eachother, her hand resting on my upper thigh. When she placed it there, I took a sharp intake of oxygen, having to bring myself back down to Earth once again. She asked me carefully, "can I ask you questions about what happened?". I nodded my head. In order for our relationship to work, I had to be as honest with her as possible. That way, things couldn't come back to haunt me in the future. Despite not actually being girlfriends, I had a feeling that we would be soon. Millie asked, "how did you...do it?". I responded as quickly as possible, not wanting to linger on the subject more than I already have to, "overdose with paracetamol". She nodded her head before questioning me, "we don't have to talk about it if you feel uncomfortable". I smiled at how caring she was, putting me before her desire to know what happened, "it's okay, you can ask. I want you to know". She asked another question, "who found you?". I narrowed my eyebrows before answering, "i'm not too sure...the first thing I can remember after I passed out is the paramedic talking to me in the ambulance". She nodded and moved her hand from my leg to my hand, gripping tightly, "how was being in hospital?...I know you don't like them very much". I internally shivered, remembering the long nights spent in that prison, "it was awful. There was so much going on that I couldn't even focus my own thoughts. Keira and Luce stayed with me every night though which made it a lot better. If I was on my own I don't know how I would've survived". She rubbed her thumb along the back of my hand, turned to face me and smiled lightly, "onwards and upwards from here?". I nodded, not being able to verbally promise that it wouldn't happen again. Because I really didn't know. The thoughts that made me do it in the first place haven't disappeared, they've only been numbed for a bit. But I know that soon enough they will make a reappearance and I won't be able to stop it.
Millie and I were lost in eachother's eyes until she made the first move. She leant in towards me, and before I could even realise what she was doing, her lips captured mine in a slow but passionate kiss. We made out for a bit, but before she could deepen it, we could hear someone clearing their throat. Pulling back from eachother immediately, we were both very relieved to see that it was only Keira and not Joanne. Keira and Lucy were the most relaxed parents anyone could ever ask for. But not too relaxed, they still had some rules for me, but other than that, they knew I wouldn't do anything stupid. Or that is what they thought before last week. Now i'm not too sure what's going on and whether I can still have as much freedom as before. I'm guessing not. Joanne was a traditional middle-aged woman who didn't really want to see her daughter and her friends daughter making out on her sofa. Millie and I both relaxed when we saw that Keira didn't even seem bothered by what she had walked in on us doing. She was holding her phone up to her ear and she said towards us, "Luce says that Jord and Leah are coming to ours for dinner. She wanted to check you were okay with that". I nodded my head, "yep that's fine". Keira repeated what I said to Lucy on the other side of the call, but before she could end the call, I shouted down Keira's phone, "can Millie come too?". Both Keira and Millie shot me questioning looks but I just shrugged. Lucy replied on speakerphone, "yeh that's fine". I smiled at Millie, who picked me up and spun me round and round until I was begging to be put down because I was dizzy.
On the way back home, I sat in the back next to Millie, our fingers intertwined. Keira kept stealing glances at us though the rear-view mirror, and I could see her smiling to herself as she drove. For 15 years of my life, I never thought that someone who accept me for me. And now, I have two mums and a nearly-girlfriend. Being around Keira and Luce also helped me to accept who I was. Even though I knew deep down that I was gay, I didn't want to listen to my body. Desperately trying to hide it and make sure that no one found out that I was even thinking about it at all. Now that I'm around people who don't care whether I like men or women, it brought back confidence that I had forgotten I even had.
Millie looked sideways at me and asked, "you know how Keira said Leah and Jordan?" I nodded my head and she continued, "is that Leah Williamson and Jordan Nobbs?". I smirked and replied, "it might be...". She rolled her eyes and said, "I guess I'm going to have to get used to all my idols just casually going round to your house for dinner, aren't I?". I laughed slightly, "I suppose so if you plan on sticking round". She squeezed my hand tighter and spoke, "you don't have to worry about me going anywhere anytime soon". But before I could reply, Keira was pulling onto the driveway.
Leah engulfed me in a massive hug the moment I stepped through the front door, "Lee! I only saw you the other day". She pulled back and said, "two whole days ago! Way too long if you ask me". Jordan commented jokingly from behind her, "good thing we didn't ask then". Leah rolled her eyes and lightly punched Jordan on the arm, who smirked, "she loves me actually". Leah frowned, but allowed Jordan to wrap an arm round her waist. God, I would give anything to be in a relationship like theirs or Lucy and Keira's in the future.
They greeted Keira, and then noticed Millie standing awkwardly next to me. Leah raised an eyebrow and me and I shot her a questioning look, but Jordan began to introduce herself, "You must be Rosie's girlfriend. Millie isn't it? I'm Jordan. What brings you to the Bronze-Walsh house?". I rolled my eyes at Jordan's weird as fuck introduction as a very confused Millie replied to it, "err yes...I'm Millie, nice to meet you-" I saved her from Jordan's interrogation and said, "she's come for dinner, so be nice. Or else I'll get someone to kidnap your dog". Jordan shouted loudly, "Not Blu!! Okay we'll be nice, won't we Leah?". Leah rolled her eyes and said, "I'm always nice, it's you that's the problem". I looked at Millie who was just as bewildered by Leah and Jordan who were acting like an old married couple. Leah also introduced herself to Millie, but her introduction was a lot more normal than Jordan's.
We stood in the hall talking for a while until Lucy came round the corner as Leah was telling Millie the story of how she got into football. When Lucy made eye contact with me, she motioned for me to go over to her. So I left the others, and walked towards her, greeting her with a quick hug. She asked me, "I thought you weren't talking to Millie?". I looked up at her and replied, "Keira took me to her house and I told her everything". She smiled and asked, "I'm proud of you. So how did she react?". I looked over at Millie before turning back to face Lucy, grinning, "really well actually. I think she was a bit shocked at first but then we talked about it and she kissed me. But we were interrupted by Keira walking in". Both of us laughed and she said, "I already know the last bit, Kei told me as soon as she came in. She's so happy that you're finally talking to Millie again". I chuckled and owned up, "to be honest, I couldn't have done it without Keira". Lucy smiled and put an arm around my shoulder as Jordan walked over toward us, "when's dinner Big Bronze?". Lucy shrugged her shoulders and joked, "whenever you make it".
Dinner with Leah, Jordan and Millie as guests was one big vibe. I was glad to be talking about someone else other than myself. Jordan and Lucy kept making jokes towards Leah and Keira while me and Millie just watched them in amusement. When they were all laughing, Millie said quietly to me, "I still can't believe that you know them personally". I smiled back at her because I was thinking the exact same thing. How did I go from being nothing to having dinner with my childhood idols. Ever since I saw the whole England team on TV in the 2015 Women's World Cup, I worshipped them with my entire soul. I would dream of moments like this, and now those dreams have become a reality.
As we were eating, Jordan asked, "So Luce, when are you going to propose?". Lucy almost choked at Jordan's question, to which Keira raised an eyebrow at. She cleared her throat and said, "err...why?". Jordan shrugged her shoulders, "just wondering", and Leah spoke up, "you've been together 6 years, and I would absolutely love to see Rosie in a dress". Lucy breathed a visible sigh of relief now that the attention was on someone else and turned to me, "Aww, you would look so cute". I frowned and complained, "noo...please don't put me in a dress". They all kept teasing me, especially Jordan, "you would look so adorable though...". I rolled my eyes, "I already am adorable". Millie laughed, "true...but you'd look even more adorable in a dress". I huffed, "never going to happen. Anyway, when is the last time any of you wore a dress?". They all wore guilty looks on their faces. The only clothes I have ever seen any of them in is tracksuits, hoodies and joggers. I shifted my attention back to Lucy and Keira and asked, "who would you have as your bridesmaids?". Keira replied, smiling softly, "you, obviously. Probably Leah and Jords too, and Stanway". Leah stated, "you've already thought about it?". Keira responded, "I've had six years to think about it". Everyone began to laugh, and I said, "I always dreamt of a Wonze wedding when I lived back in Sunderland. You literally made my dreams come true when I found out you were actually together". Jordan chucked, "you were such a fangirl". I rolled my eyes, but couldn't deny it.
A light scraping noise came from the hall and I looked towards where the sound was coming from. I saw a cute, white ball of fluff emerge and called out, "Narla!". She immediately bounded up to me and tried to jump on my lap, but failed with her tiny legs, so I had to pick her up myself. Lucy raised an eyebrow at me, "since when is Narla allowed up at the dinner table?". I smirked and began to talk to Narla, ignoring Lucy's subtle way of telling me to put Narla back on the floor, "Where have you been? I missed you". Narla barked softly in my face and I chuckled, "you were hiding?". Jordan questioned, "can Rosie understand dog language?". I rolled my eyes at her and began to pass Narla around the table much to Lucy's unhappiness. But I could tell that even though she looked unhappy about it, she didn't actually mind. When Narla reached Keira, she took a picture of her and said, "that's going to be my new lock screen background". Lucy exclaimed, "you're replacing a picture of me with one of our dog?". Keira just simply smirked back.
After dinner, we were all sat on the sofas when Lucy's phone rang from the front door. Lucy explained, "that's probably my mum, she calls every night to see how Rosie is". I was lying on Millie's shoulder when I saw Leah staring at me. I asked her, "What?". She quietly said, "don't ever think that no one's there for you, because you have so many people who love you to the moon and back".