Chapter 38
Percy Ezekiel Mendoza
You've got some nerve. The last time I checked, you were all over your boy toy. And what made you think I'd accept you? There was nothing you could offer me but headaches. Just do your own thing and stop bothering me. You've been doing that for years.
Also, you worked as a psychologist at VDMH, but you'd take whatever position I offered you? The salary for psychologists at that company should be big enough for you to pay off your debts, so what exactly do you want? I don't believe you're just guilty.
Iyon ang bumungad na email sa akin kinaumagahan. I expected it already. Hindi naman siya ganoon katanga para agad na payagan ako. But of course, begging was a part of my scheme. At least, letting him know he had the upper hand would make him assume he could use me however he wanted.
Dahil ganoong uri ng tao siya. He wanted people to worship him as if he were a god. He was a conceited and manipulative jerk who could not acknowledge his mistakes. Kapag nagpakita ako ng takot at pagsunod sa kanya . . . he wouldn't think I had a trick up my sleeve.
Amari Sloane Mendoza
I am guilty. I've been seeing clients and patients every day, but I can't shake this heaviness in my chest. I want to work as a psychologist for your firm, not just for the higher pay but also for this feeling.
Kung sakaling sa ibang posisyon ninyo ako ilagay, ayos lang po sa akin. Kahit mas maliit ang sweldo. I will just look for a job that I can do part-time to cover my debts. Basta maalis ko lang po ang bigat sa dibdib ko. I couldn't live longer with these regrets.
"Nangnang, dito ka ulit tulog mamaya?" tanong ni Gayle na halos kagigising lang din.
Ngumiti ako. "Gusto mo?"
"Opo, nangnang. Pasok lang ako school tapos play na tayo, ha?"
Pinanliitan ko siya ng mata. "Sure na ba 'yan? Tinulugan mo nga ako kagabi, eh."
Ngumuso siya. "Sabi ni Mimi po, eh. Bawal daw ako makulit kasi po sad po ikaw."
Like a storm's leftover debris, the painful memories of last night poured down on my head. Kung paanong ang mga tanong sa utak ko ay napalitan ng takot, kung paanong ang mga sagot na hinahanap ko ay natagpuan lang sa pamamaalam . . . at kung paanong ang nag-iisang lalaking nagtyaga sa akin ay napagod na rin.
Dumamba sa akin si Gayle at pinugpog ng halik ang pisngi ko.
"Yabyu, nangnang. Pag nag-play po tayo, pahilam ko sa 'yo peybolit ko na doll . . ." aniya pa.
I forced a smile before pulling her up into my chest. "I love you, Gayle. Na-a-appreciate ka ni ninang."
"Pishtail mo po ako?"
I chuckled. "Oo . . . kaya tawagin mo na ang mommy mo para mapaliguan ka na niya."
Excited na excited siyang tumalon sa kama. She even swayed her hips and shouted "Mimi" as she walked out of the room.
Nang mawala siya sa paningin ko ay muli kong sinilip ang cellphone ko. Hindi naman ako nabigo dahil nakita kong may email na si Mr. Mendoza.
Percy Ezekiel Mendoza
We're not hiring psychologists at the moment. With your poor credentials and reputation, you could only get into the janitor's wards.
I sighed when I realized that he wasn't going to make things easy for his own daughter.
Amari Sloane Mendoza
Kahit anong trabaho po.
Percy Ezekiel Mendoza
What a shame.
Amari Sloane Mendoza
I'm really sorry. I wish I could just take back all the words I said before, but I can't. The only way I can fully express my regret is by making myself available to you in every manner possible. Kung gusto ninyo po akong maging janitor, ayos lang. Kayo naman po ang bumuhay sa katawang ito. Just, please. Give me a chance to show you how sorry I am.
Percy Ezekiel Mendoza
You're just sorry because you need me, and what made you think you're useful? I can't find a reason to hire you.
Asshole. Kung wala lang akong plano ay puwedeng-puwede ko siyang i-blackmail na magpapakilala ako sa lahat bilang anak niya sa business partner niyang pamilyado rin.
I could easily expose them, but I knew they could easily get away with adultery. They could even kill me if they wanted to. Napakabilis kumitil ng buhay ngayon. Kaunting bayad lang at puwedeng-puwede nila akong ipatumba. Kaya kung gustuhin kong magbulok sila sa kulungan, kailangan ko ng mas malalim na rason.
And if the police were on their side, I would never consider going to them for help.
Amari Sloane Mendoza
If I ever do something that you don't approve of, I will legally change my name to something other than Mendoza and keep my existence a secret until I die.
Percy Ezekiel Mendoza
But haven't you been doing that? It's been so long that I've completely forgotten about you.
Hindi na ako nagulat sa nabasa. I expected nothing from him ever since I cut ties with him. Hindi imposibleng involved sa drugs ang kompanya niya. He was a chemist and a researcher. He could easily get drugs and narcotics.
I sighed again as I composed another email that I knew would grab his attention.
Amari Sloane Mendoza
Just try me, please? I'm a good employee. Kahit saan n'yo po ako ilagay. I'll help with brainstorming and planning. I can edit, proofread, and conduct a comparative study on some of your written work.
I've also written a lot of academic articles, research papers, and journals that you might be interested in. When I turned in my dissertation to receive my master's degree, it was commended by a group of experts based in Europe, and it was even selected for inclusion in a prominent library. You can have them all.
Sa sinabi kong iyon ay natagalan bago siya nag-reply. I grinned to myself because I knew he was weighing his options. He wanted my ideas even before. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero ulol na ulol siya sa mga top psychology students noon. Gusto pa nga niyang magtrabaho para sa kanya si Leon.
He knew what I was capable of. Hindi man ako kasingtalino ng lalaki ay kaya kong makipagsabayan sa kanila.
Kung kinakailangang lumuhod, magmakaawa, at halikan ang sementong dinadaanan niya, gagawin ko. I needed to get to the bottom of this. I needed him to make up for the years I'd lost and the tears I'd shed throughout my life.
I wouldn't let Leon's pain be in vain.
Because he was right.
For the branches to stop bearing rotten fruits, I had to pull them out of the ground . . . I had to uproot myself.
Percy Ezekiel Mendoza
Now we're talking. I'll set the date to meet you. Prepare your proposals.
Napailing na lang ako. With just a little pity playing and clever proposals, I could sneak into the lion's den without anyone noticing.
Amari Sloane Mendoza
Thank you so much po. This means a lot to me. And I'm really sorry for causing you trouble before. I would never do anything like that again.
Percy Ezekiel Mendoza
Don't get your hopes up. I'll still hire you as a cleaner if ever, so aside from pumping the toilet bowl and letting all the dirt out, there was no bigger trouble you could do.
Sabay-sabay na kaming umalis nina Karsen, Gayle, at Kobe. Ibinaba nila ako sa apartment dahil kailangan na nilang pumasok sa trabaho. Pinapasama pa ako ni Gayle sa school niya pero tumawa lang ako at nangakong bibisita na lang ulit.
Nang makarating sa apartment ay wala na si Mill. May pagkain lang sa mesa na alam kong iniluto niya para sa akin at sa tabi noon ay ang gamot sa sipon.
I ate everything I could to fill the void in my stomach. I felt empty as if something had gone missing . . . and I knew exactly what it was.
Hindi ko alam kung handa na akong makita ulit si Mr. Mendoza. For years, I thought I was done with him. Matagal na kaming walang komunikasyon at hindi rin naman naging maganda ang huli naming pagkikita. Ibang-iba sa pakiramdam noong unang beses kong nalaman na hinahanap niya ako.
Before, I wanted nothing but to please him. I put on my best dress and practiced my smile in the mirror so that I would look nice. Excited na excited pa ako noon. Akala ko ay matutupad na ang mga tahimik na hiling ng batang ako.
But the truth hit me in the face.
Now, I wanted nothing more than to see him taste my wrath.
To: Ms. Lubrica
Good morning, ma'am. Since briefing na lang naman po tayo sa review, baka hindi na rin po ako maka-attend. I have to work on something right away. Pakibawas na lang po sa sweldo. Thank you.
Sa totoo lang ay puwede naman akong pumunta pa rin sa university. But thinking about seeing Leon kind of scared me. He was tired, and seeing me might have been too much for him.
Klarong-klaro ang sinabi niya sa akin kagabi. I didn't care if he was drunk. That's what he was thinking, and loving me drained him. Hindi ko naman siya magagawang sisihin. It wasn't like it was the first time it happened to me.
Buong araw akong nagbasa tungkol sa Mendoza Research Institute, ang ipinagmamalaking negosyo ng tatay ko.
It was a research and pharmaceutical company working to find breakthrough treatments for illnesses. It made an important contribution to the research that eventually led to the creation of vaccines and stem cell therapies for Alzheimer's disease, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, and Type 1 diabetes.
Affiliated din ang kumpanya sa isa sa mga pinakamalaking mental hospital sa bansa. Tumutulong kasi sila sa pag-aaral at paggawa ng treatment intervention sa schizophrenia, post-traumatic stress disorder, neurodevelopmental, eating, at anxiety disorders.
They had a clean record. Walang kahit na anong anomalya. Still, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of methods went into these kinds of studies.
May mga psychologists at psychiatrists sila sa kasosyong mental hospital. Mayroon din silang mga kilalang researchers at scientists. My father was the head of the pharmaceutical formulation department, and my mother directed the research arm.
What a great team.
Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang magtaka kung bakit sa dami-rami ng pera nila ay sa state university nag-aaral si Psyche. I mean, there was nothing wrong with it . . . but Valeen had the means to enroll her to the best university and even hire the most qualified tutor.
Their history and track record were so perfect that I found it hard to believe. Hindi ko alam kung dahil may negative connotation sila sa akin o dahil masyado lang talagang malinis ang trabaho nila.
Ganoon ulit ang ginawa ko sa mga sumunod na araw. I looked into the company, the alliances, the top researchers, and even its floor plan. Halos hindi ako matulog kakabasa at kakahanap ng sources para makakita ng kahit isang dumi . . . pero wala.
I guess I really had to plan and see it for myself. Dahil kung walang kahit na anong makukuha sa secondary sources . . . I had to be the primary source myself.
And the only way to check whether their records were really clean was to inspect them from within. Taon nang nilalabanan ni Leon ang mga ito pero naibabasura lang ang petition niya.
So, if facing them head-on wasn't going to work, then I guess stabbing them in the back would.
"Kikitain ulit kita after 5 days. Ipapasa natin sa lilipatan mo 'yong documents para makapagsimula ka na agad next school year," sabi ko kay Nathaniel habang kumakain kami.
"Thank you, ate. Saka ko na sasabihin kay Kuya kapag okay na para wala na siyang magawa," tawa niya.
Ngumiti ako at ibinagsak ang tingin sa pagkain.
Ang lapit lang ni Leon . . . pero ramdam ko na ang layo namin. Heto at nakakausap ko ang kapatid niya, pero siya? Imposible na. I would have to satisfy myself with asking about him to those who were close to him because I couldn't do that on my own anymore.
"Kumusta siya?" pasimpleng tanong ko.
He chuckled. "Parang hindi kayo iisa ng pinagtatrabahuhan, ah!"
Dahan-dahan akong umiling. "Nag-resign na 'ko. May natanggap kasi akong mas magandang . . . offer."
"Seryoso ba?"
I looked at him. "Oo. I need it for my career advancement."
Lumabi siya. "Akala ko tutulungan mo si Kuya sa kaso?"
"Eh, 'di ba, sabi mo 'wag na akong mangialam?" pagbibiro ko. "Saka hindi naman nabanggit sa akin ni Leon 'yan. Sigurado akong ayaw niyang makisawsaw pa 'ko."
"Sabagay," he agreed. "Losing case na rin 'yon. Hirap matalo ng may pera, eh. Kahit anong ilapag na ebidensya . . . kaya nilang bayaran." Napailing siya. "Narinig pa namin na usap-usapan ng mga pulis na gusto lang naming humuthot ng pera sa mga Mendoza."
I gritted my teeth as anger stirred in my heart. Alam kong nababayaran ang hustisya sa Pilipinas kaya karamihan sa mga nakabilanggo ay ang mga mahihirap na walang laban, pero ang marinig na miski ang inatasan ng lipunan na magprotekta sa mga tao ay tuta ng mga makakapangyarihan at mayayaman . . . hindi ko na alam.
"Pero, hindi naman lahat ng pulis, ate. May mga ilan din na naniniwala . . . pero 'yun nga, walang ginagawa."
"Hindi lahat," I echoed, chuckling sarcastically. "Pero wala dapat."
Kumunot ang noo niya. "Huh?"
"Wala dapat gano'ng pulis, Nathaniel. Kaunti o marami . . . hindi dapat sila gano'n." I sighed. "But it's impossible to remove the evil. It's impossible to uproot the system."
"Ewan ko na, ate. Nakakapagod sila." Ngumiti siya. "Gusto ko na lang pagbayaran ng mga Mendoza lahat. Sila ang isa sa pinakamayamang drug lords sa bansa. Nakakalungkot kapag marami pa silang naakit na gumamit din. Mahirap kasing maadik . . . mahirap mag-rehab."
I had never hated being a Mendoza more than I did now. Hiyang-hiya ako na ang dugo nila ang nananalaytay sa ugat ko.
"Kapag nakapagpasa na tayo ng requirements mo, bawal na tayong magkita, Nathaniel," saad ko.
Namilog ang mga mata niya. "Huh? Bakit naman, ate?"
I needed to be careful. Hindi puwedeng malaman ni Mr. Mendoza ang kaugnayan ko sa kambal. If I were to work for him, I needed to be as clean as their records now.
"Basta . . . you can't contact me anymore, okay?"
Dumaan ang lungkot sa mukha niya. "Bakit? May nagawa ba 'ko?"
I thought about the best reason I could come up with. Kapag sinabi ko sa kanyang magtatrabaho ako para sa mga Mendoza ay may posibilidad na pigilan niya pa ako . . . and I couldn't let that happen. This was my last shot at showing Leon that our real rival was my father . . . my biological family.
"Kailangan kong mag-move on kay Leon," nangingiting sabi ko. "At kapag nakikita kita, naaalala ko lang siya."
Kumunot ang noo niya. "Ba't ka magmo-move on? Mahal ka rin naman ni Kuya . . ."
I know. I know that so well. He loved me so deeply that he lost himself to prove it.
Umiling ako. "Hindi kami para sa isa't isa. May mas maayos na babae para sa Kuya mo. Tapos ako . . . may iba pang plano. Basta, hindi laging sapat ang pagmamahal lang, Nathaniel. Leon and I had failed in so many ways that our relationship could only be fixed by separation."
Tahimik siya hanggang sa nagkapaalamanan kami. Dumiretso ako sa apartment at muling nagsaliksik tungkol sa kumpanya. I also made the proposals and academic articles. I even changed some of them to fit Mr. Mendoza's interests.
Karamihan sa mga iyon ay mga theory pa lang na puwede niyang i-practice. Medical advances, new diagnostic methods, therapeutic procedures . . . lahat ng posibleng i-conduct ay inilagay ko sa proposal.
I provided every bit of knowledge I had about medicine, psychology, and therapies. Kailangan ko siyang pabilibin. Mabuti na lang at hindi ako tumigil sa pag-aaral. I was updated on the most recent findings, which I could now improve and adapt based on my own expertise.
Percy Ezekiel Mendoza
Be a minute late, and you will never have the chance to step into my firm.
I heaved a sigh as I put on my makeup. Naglagay ako ng manipis na waterproof black eyeshadow sa ilalim ng mata ko para magmukha iyong eyebags. I also gave myself subtle age lines, contact lenses that made my eyes look tired, and anything else I could think of to make it look like I was under a lot of stress.
Ngayong gabi kami magkikita. I had already bought, practiced, and prepared everything I needed. Wala pa man ay paulit-ulit ko nang pinaalalahanan ang sarili na huwag magpapadala sa emosyon. Kailangan ko siyang mapaniwala na sunod-sunuran ako sa mga sasabihin at gagawin niya.
I listed down all the possible questions he might ask. Kilalang-kilala ko na siya. He would certainly ask about Leon, so I prepared an answer for that. Sigurado akong hindi lingid sa kaalaman niya ang ginagawa ng lalaki kaya kailangan kong mag-ingat. I needed to make it sound like I was over him.
I still wore designer clothes. Sinabi ko sa email ko sa kanya na naging hilig ko ang pamimili ng mga ganitong bagay kaya ayoko namang magtaka siya sa itsura ko. Also, I made it look like I covered my fake age spots with makeup. Ni hindi ko nga inaasahan na magagamit ko sa ganitong bagay ang dati ay part-time job ko lang.
Nang makarating ako sa hotel kung saan kami magkikita ay tahimik lang akong naghintay. I was scared, but the strongest emotion I had was anger. Nakakatak pa rin sa utak ko kung paanong nag-offer siya ng trabaho kay Leon. Miski ang mga pagod na ininda ko para makapagbayad ng renta sa kanya ay malayang naglaro sa isip.
I hated him to the core. Sila ni Valeen. They were the root of all my trauma.
I stood up straight when I saw him step into the room, looking proud and high. Nag-alab ang poot sa dibdib ko nang makitang maayos na maayos pa rin ang lagay niya. With only a few wrinkles, he still looked like a respectable human being.
Mind over matter, Amari. You practiced this.
I was about to wave at him when I noticed a woman walking behind him. Umawang ang labi ko at naibaba ko ang kamay sa gulat nang makilala iyon, pero nang lumingon sila sa direksyon ko pinilit kong huwag magpakita ng kahit na anong emosyon.
My hands were getting sweaty as they got closer. Hindi naabot ng hinagap ko na makakasama niya iyon. The woman was dressed in a burgundy silk dress and silver stilettos, making her look taller than she already was.
I put in a lot of work to make sure I didn't get angry in front of my dad, but I didn't practice doing that with Psyche.
Tumayo ako nang makalapit sila, pilit na isinasantabi ang mga agam-agam.
"Good evening, Mr. Mendoza," I said with such gentleness that I almost believed myself.
Ipinaghigit ng lalaki si Psyche ng upuan at nagpasalamat naman ang huli rito. My father gestured me off without a proper greeting, so I sat down. Hindi ko inalis ang maliit na ngiti sa labi kahit na nagngingitngit ang galit sa dibdib ko.
I was done with them. I was sure of it. Ever since I lost contact with my father, I've never wanted to get back in touch with any of them. Miski ang marinig ang pangalan nila ay hindi ko inaasahang maririnig ko pa. Our worlds were so different that I thought it was impossible that they would ever collide . . . but I was wrong.
Because here I am, sitting next to these two people who sparked my nightmares.
"This is Psyche, my secretary," pagpapakilala ni Mr. Mendoza. "I'm sure you know her. You went to the same school."
I gave her a friendly smile. Yes, I know her . . . but not for that petty reason.
"Good evening, Psyche," I said softly. "I'm Mari."
Tumaas ang isang sulok ng labi niya, para bang natatawa sa akin. I wasn't sure why, but I still held a welcoming smile on my face.
"You're Leon's ex-girlfriend."
Kasabay ng mahinang pagtawa ni Mr. Mendoza ay ang pagkokontrol ko ng gulat at inis sa babae. She sure knew how to make me mad, but if her goal was to see me lose my cool, she picked on the wrong girl. Hindi siya o si Mr. Mendoza ang makakagulo sa plano ko.
Of course, she knew who I was. She obviously liked Leon before. Isa pa, she purposely lied to me that Leon proposed to her . . . and that he liked kissing her when she had her red lipstick on.
Ambisyosa.
I chuckled. I was over Leon. They needed to believe that.
"Well . . . we all make mistakes, right?"
Mr. Mendoza laughed again, and he looked like he was having fun. Parang tanga lang. Ano'ng nakakatawa sa pagiging ex-girlfriend ako ni Leon? Eh, mas nakakatawa ngang hindi niya alam na ang magaling sekretarya ay may tinatawagan kapag gabi.
"Psyche, you're doing your job properly. What else did you find about this girl?" he asked.
Ngumisi ang babae. "She was here for her friend's wedding, but instead of going back to Italy, she stayed and worked at VDMH, where her ex-boyfriend was."
I tried my hardest not to roll my eyes.
Looks like someone has been keeping tabs on me. Hindi ko naman alam na may interes pala siya sa buhay ko. If she did, why the hell did she call Leon while we were together? She also had the guts to call him in Italy when she knew he was dating me. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya kumukuha ng lakas ng loob para gawin iyon . . . and did Leon even know that she was working with Mr. Mendoza? She was twisted for all I care.
"Hindi ko alam na doon nagtatrabaho si Leon," saad ko bago pa makakuha ng maling impresyon sa akin si Mr. Mendoza. "As you've said, mag-ex na kami. There's no reason for us to talk to each other. Kung may ex-boyfriend ka, maiintindihan mo 'yon. You know better than to pry into their whereabouts . . . lalo kung may girlfriend na."
Lalong lumawak ang ngisi niya. Kung naiisip niyang pinariringgan ko siya . . . hindi siya nagkakamali.
She shrugged. "Well, Mr. Mendoza told me that you had lots of debts. Can we look at your bank statements?"
"Sure," I said calmly as I handed her my forged bank details.
Inisa-isa niyang tingnan iyon at pinanood lang siya ni Mr. Mendoza. I thought he would do all the talking, but he seemed more like Psyche's secretary than Psyche herself.
Nakahinga ako nang malalim nang ibaba ng babae ang ibinigay kong dokumento dahil lumapit ang isang sever sa amin. Ang mga kamay kong nasa ilalim ng mesa ay nakasarado na dahil sa pagpipigil ng inis. I wasn't expecting such a heated start. Hindi ko naman kasi alam na kasama pala ng tarantado kong tatay ang babaeng 'to.
Mr. Mendoza clicked his tongue. "Let's cut this and get down to business. Where's your proposal?"
I almost thanked the heavens for that. My proposal was my best chance to get his attention and remind him that I was still the daughter he wanted to work for him before. Ito ang ipinunta ko . . . hindi ang pagna-narrate ng love story namin ni Leon.
Psyche cleared her throat, making me almost roll my eyes. Ano na naman ba?!
"Sir, we have to be careful about who we let into the firm because there are people who keep sending malicious complaints to the authorities hoping to bring you down."
I pulled the folder out of my bag and laid it on the table. Ayoko siyang pansinin dahil hindi naman siya ang pakay ko. Isa pa, ayokong mahalata niyang may alam ako sa mga sinasabi niya.
"Nand'yan po lahat. I can present it to you in more detail if you want," saad ko pa.
Nakita ko ang pag-iling ni Mr. Mendoza sa babae.
"Chill. I got this. She's just Amari."
I never thought that my self-control was this reliable. If I was in my usual frame of mind, I would have flipped the table and hollered insults at him that I would never regret.
I was just Amari? Just? If given the same privilege, I could have surpassed your achievements!
Hindi pa rin talaga siya nagbabago. He still considered himself superior to anyone below him.
Hindi ko maintindihan kung saan nagmula ang galit nila sa akin ni Valeen gayong sila ang may kasalanan sa akin. But then, I wouldn't spend my life trying to look for answers. Dahil kung ayaw nila sa akin, hindi na ako para magpumilit pa. The young Amari who dreamed about being with them was long dead.
Binuksan ni Mr. Mendoza ang folder at tahimik lang akong pinanood siya. I could sense Psyche's watchful gaze upon me as the waiter set down our plates. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko nagagawang pakalmahin ang sarili lalo at ang dalawa sa mga pinakakinasusuklaman ko ay nasa harap ko lang.
I chuckled inwardly. I guess I must love Leon a lot to be able to bear the pain and fury now.
"Hepatitis C drugs in PTSD?" kunot-noong tanong ni Mr. Mendoza.
I grinned to myself. Finally, my most-awaited moment. Alam kong hindi imposibleng may magustuhan siya sa mga journals na nakapaloob sa ipinasa ko. I memorized and studied them all from beginning to end in case he had any questions about them.
I lifted my chin to show my confidence.
"Yes, Mr. Mendoza. Among the direct-acting antivirals most often prescribed in the military veterans, the mixture of glecaprevir and pibrentasvir, na Hepatitis C drugs, ay may great link sa PTSD symptom improvement."
Ibinaba niya ang papel at tuluyang tumingin sa akin. The gesture made me feel good because I knew I finally had his undivided attention . . . exactly how I had envisioned it.
"Maraming tao ang may PTSD, pero limited lang ang drug development para d'yan. Kung may treatment man, usually ay therapies . . . and well, it's time consuming. Kaya marami ring sumusuko along the way," I explained.
I could see that he was listening intently, so I continued.
"The study was conducted by researchers at Boston University School of Public Health, and the initial findings were published in the scientific journal, Biological Psychiatry. Inaaral pa rin nila hanggang ngayon, pero nakatanggap na sila ng funding from Department of Defense."
Tumango-tango siya. "So, what do you suggest?"
"Try it yourself? Check its validity?" Nagkibit-balikat ako. "You've been developing drugs for decades. Madali lang po 'yan sa inyo."
"And then, what? Claim that the idea was ours?" Umiling siya. "We can't do that."
He was challenging me. I was sure of that.
I chuckled. "Cultural diversity. Americans ang researchers at Americans ang magiging target scope nila, or at least, priority."
Inilapit ko ang katawan sa mesa para ipakita sa kanya na interesado ako sa topic.
"And well, psychologically speaking, cultural values influence one's mental functioning, so saying that you have different target scopes, such as Filipinos or Asians, is something that can be deemed relevant," saad ko pa.
I caught a look of approval on his face. Way to go, Amari!
I smiled. "Pero, hindi pa rin puwedeng sabihing original siya. It can be a replication study, and who knows? Baka maging effective . . . o kung hindi nila priority 'yan, mauuna ka. Just cite them in the paper, if ever. Also, you can use multicultural approaches to prove that, unlike them, whose focus was on veterans."
Halos palakpakan ko ang sarili nang makita ang pagngiti niya. If not for Psyche, I knew I could easily hook his interests. Sinadya ko kasing ikonekta ang mga proposal sa nabasa kong current focus ng research firm nila.
Napabuga ako nang hangin nang ibaba muli ng lalaki ang mata sa mga papel. He read quietly, and I just waited for him to have another focal interest.
"How about this one? Diagnostic wearables that can reveal hidden health problems," he sounded like he was challenging me.
Tahimik lang si Psyche sa tabi niya habang pinapanood kami. Tumikhim muna ako bago nagsimulang magpaliwanag. Don't you dare interfere!
"Look around you," I said. "Almost everyone has their own watches, jewelry, and such. Kung made-detect ng isinusuot nila ang atrial fibrillation and let them know if their heartbeat is a little off . . . it can be a good invention. These wearables could come with an ECG and a range of sensors to measure things like blood pressure, temperature, stress, and more."
"That's hard," he said.
I shrugged. "But conducive . . . and innovative."
"I agree."
Kita ko ang pagtaas ng sulok ng labi ni Psyche pero wala na akong panahon para kainisan pa siya. I wanted Mr. Mendoza to decide based on what I could do and what I was good at instead of digging into my past.
Nalinis ko naman na ang record ko . . . and the fact that he claimed I was too weak to present much of a challenge made it more likely that he'd accept me.
"Mayroon din po d'yang stem cell model . . ." sabi ko. "Page 102."
He flipped through the pages.
"It has the potential to help us understand the biological causes of neuropsychiatric disorders, gaya ng autism and schizophrenia. I know that your firm has first-hand experience with stem cells, which is helpful," I said, boosting his ego.
Mukha namang success iyon dahil nahuli ko ang mahinang pagtawa niya. "It's MRI's pride."
"It is, Mr. Mendoza." Ngumiti ako. "Kadalasan sa mga researchers at scientists, ang nagagamit lang ay inactive neurons mula sa brain sample ng mga taong namatay na. So, sometimes, they overlooked enhancers that function only when induced."
Ramdam ko ang mabigat na tingin sa akin ni Psyche. Para bang binabasa at sinusuri niya ang nasa isip ko.
"This strategy is used to model cis-regulatory features in pluripotent stem cells from human neurons. Sa pamamaraang 'yan, puwede nating ma-replicate ang neurons sa utak ng tao na vulnerable sa mga neuropsychiatric disorders. With this model, the disorders could be detected long before they manifest in patients, allowing for their onset to be postponed or . . . even prevented," I continued as I grinned. "It's a major advancement, isn't it?"
Isinarado ni Mr. Mendoza ang folder at pinakatitigan ako. I smiled as sweetly as I could handle and bowed a little to show my total submission. Body language. Good thing I learned about it.
"You were a smart kid," he stated. "Bakit nga ulit kailangan mo ng trabaho? You can propose this to research firms and get millions."
Mas binabaan ko ang pagyuko.
"Sinabi ko naman po sa inyo . . . I bought too many luxurious items. Naibenta ko naman po ang iba pero marami pa rin akong utang sa bangko." I sighed and made it look like I was really regretful. "Isa pa, hindi ko po nagustuhan ang naging ugali ko sa inyo. And to be honest, I still feel bad about how cocky I was back then."
That was . . . disgusting. I'd never felt prouder of myself than when I told him and Valeen to fuck off years ago.
"It was obvious. You look terrible. To think na isang taon lang naman ang tanda mo kay Psyche." Tumawa siya. "Malabo namang patulan ka ng ex-boyfriend mo ulit . . . o ng mga lalaking ka-edad mo. If you were seen with an older man, people could easily think you were his wife."
Empty insults. I look terrible? Well, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, right?
Tumikhim si Psyche. "Sir, kailangan pa rin po nating mag-ingat. She was affiliated with Mr. Zamora."
Napatawa lang ang lalaki. "Come on, Psyche, look at her. She lost her youth. She was even willing to work as a cleaner. 'Wag kang masyadong nag-aalala. I know her. She looked intimidating because she was smart . . . but she follows orders. Isang sabi ko lang d'yan, susunod 'yan sa 'kin."
He was talking as if I wasn't there. I hadn't eaten a thing yet, but I was already full of their nonsense.
"She was scared of me. I could see it in her eyes before . . . at nandoon pa rin ang takot hanggang ngayon," aniya pa. "She's gonna be useful."
Lihim akong napangiti. Good . . . I like where this is going. Tanga yata talaga ang lalaking 'to. He was so easy to fool.
"If that's what you want, sir," saad naman ni Psyche.
"Ikaw ba? What do you think?"
Umarko ang kilay ko nang marinig iyon. Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Psyche, naghihintay sa puwede niyang sabihin. If my father would base on her opinion, then my application might not get through!
"Malinis po ang record niya, sir."
I tried hard not to gasp. Wow. Did I fool her, too?
"The bank statements look like they are authentic, and I checked that she did work for the companies on her resume."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit sa harap ko nila ito pinag-uusapan. As someone who once worked in human resources, this wasn't ethical. Kung may nag-a-apply ng trabaho, hindi dapat ganito ang approach nila.
Pero ano pa nga bang aasahan ko? He was a chemist, and Psyche was a secretary. They knew nothing about human resources.
"She's clean," Psyche concluded.
"Then, we'll have no problem," ani Mr. Mendoza. "Make her sign a contract for cleaners or whatever. I'll wait for you in the car."
Hindi pa ako nakakapag-react ay tumayo na ito at walang lingong naglakad paalis. Bitbit niya ang folder ko at mukhang naroon ang interes niya. Like me, he didn't bother eating his meal. Parang inorder lang para may masabing may order siya.
My lips almost broke into a grin, but I stopped myself. I gave that idiot too much credit. Madali lang naman pala siyang mapapayag.
Tahimik lang kami ni Psyche. There was an obvious tension between us, but I couldn't care less.
As I've said, hindi siya ang pakay ko. Hindi rin ako para magpasalamat sa sinabi niya kay Mr. Mendoza. I worked hard to make sure my records matched what I said, and I even edited the fake bank statements to be the most legit-looking they could possibly be.
Ibinigay niya sa akin ang kontrata at walang imik ko iyong binasa. It was a standard contract for a cleaner, and I'd be working the night shift. Puwede na agad akong mag-start next week. With all the ideas I proposed . . . talagang hindi pumayag si Mr. Mendoza na pagtrabahuhin ako kahit man lang bilang psychologist.
But well, I'm already prepared for the worst.
"What's your plan, Mari?" diretsong tanong ni Psyche.
I signed the contract before answering. "What do you mean?"
Her lips curved in a smirk, and I found myself wishing I could put off my plans until I could get rid of that expression.
"You're not dumb. You sure know what I mean."
Sumandal ako sa upuan. Would she blackmail me? May hawak din naman ako sa kanya. She was either working for Leon or Mr. Mendoza. May plano rin siya.
"I don't," I replied.
"Nakakausap mo pa si Leon," aniya. "And you know I'm in touch with him as well."
Sinubukan kong huwag magpakita ng kahit na anong emosyon sa sinabi niya. Ang lakas talaga ng loob niya.
"So?" I asked.
She scoffed. "Leon has been sending petitions to rave the firm. Are you working for him?"
I shook my head. I was working because of him . . . there was a difference.
"Hindi ako interesado," saad ko pa. "Kaya ikaw, kung nakikipagsosyo ka sa kanya, wala akong pakialam. I just want to work peacefully."
Matagal siyang natahimik. I waited for her to say something, but nearly three minutes passed and nothing happened. Nakatingin lang siya sa akin, para bang tinitimbang ang mga dapat sabihin.
I rolled my eyes and slid the contract toward her.
"Mr. Mendoza is waiting for you. I got to go."
I stood up, but as I was about to leave, she said something my mind couldn't process right away.
"I'm working with Leon."
Halos mapasinghap ako kahit na isa naman 'yon sa mga posibleng rason na nasa isip ko. I stopped dead in my tracks right away. Nakatayo ako sa gilid niya pero hindi ko siya magawang lingunin. She sounded so much like she wanted to manipulate me earlier! She sounded like a goody-goody secretary!
"We've been searching for evidence to put Mr. Mendoza in jail, but after working under him for almost five months, I knew nothing but his schedule," she muttered.
My thoughts were all over the place. That clearly explained why she called Leon in the middle of the night.
"That has nothing to do with me," I managed to say. "Just don't tell Leon I'll be working at the firm. Tapos na kami."
She chuckled. "Look, I don't care about your relationship with him, but this isn't your playground, Mari. Wala akong ibang gusto kung hindi ang maikulong silang dalawa ni Valeen."
Agad na kumunot ang noo ko. Her mother?
"I can see that you're playing the same cards as me. You act as if you don't find Mr. Mendoza disgusting."
"I'm not acting," I insisted.
"Only that old hag will believe that." She laughed softly. "Mukha lang matalino 'yon, but he's actually gullible. I can see that you have a slight advantage over me. You can use your brain to find out more about the company. You talked so much like those scientists."
Hindi ako nakasagot agad. The words she said were clear, and I didn't know why, but part of me wanted to . . . believe her. Maybe because she was still in contact with Leon . . . and I knew Leon wouldn't put his faith in her if she was caught lying.
"Mr. Mendoza trusts me, but he's never shown me the same interest he's showing you now."
Huminga ako nang malalim. I needed to collect myself.
"Bakit mo sinasabi sa 'kin 'yan?" tanong ko.
She sighed. "Work with me. I'll build up your reputation with Mr. Mendoza while you gather your ideas to present to him."
I clenched my fist. I'm not sure if I was doing it right or if it was a good idea. Ayoko sa kanya. Umpisa pa lang, kaagaw ko na siya sa lahat. And no, it wasn't her fault . . . but the thought of working with her never struck me.
I gritted my teeth. "I'm a cleaner, Psyche . . ."
"Endure it for a month. Hindi ko puwedeng sabihin agad na papasok ka sa research department, 'di ba? I'll suggest it slowly . . . I'm sure he'll ask more about you later."
Hindi ako makasagot. It was so tempting.
"We don't have the relationship you thought we had," she said all of a sudden. "We're not sisters."
Agad na naputol ang naiisip ko. Siguradong namimilog ang mga mata ko nang bumaling ako sa kanya.
"What?" I almost gasped.
Umiling siya. "I'm not Valeen's biological daughter, and if anyone shares your hatred for her, it's me." She clenched her jaw. "Work with me, Mari. Leon can't do anything outside the firm . . . and I need your help."
Tumayo siya at inilapag ang isang maliit na card sa mesa.
"If you're interested, just call me."
She walked by me, and I just stood there, trying to figure out what had just happened. Nang makabawi ay kinuha ko ang card niya at isinilid iyon sa bag ko. I called a cab to drive me home, but my thoughts were still scattered. Hanggang sa makarating ako sa apartment ay tulala lang ako. Iniisip ko ang rason kung bakit galit si Psyche sa kanila . . . at alam kong ang tanging paraan lang para masagot ang tanong ko ay ang diretsong pakikipag-usap sa kanya.
I got ready for bed even though my temples were already hurting from too much thinking. Pipikit na sana ako nang marinig ko ang pagri-ring ng cellphone ko.
I looked at it and saw Shaira's name on the screen. Agad ko namang sinagot iyon.
"Hel—"
"Tell her she has no right to mess with my things!"
My heart skipped a beat when I heard Leon's voice.
"Call her, Shai! Tell her I haven't been thinking about her! Tell her I was mad because she took the photo!"
"Leon, halika na. Lasing ka na." It was Thaddeus.
Rinig ko ang mabibigat na paghinga ni Leon. He was panting.
"Do'n ka magwala sa apartment nila! Magpapadede pa ako ng anak, Leon!"
"Shai . . ." suway ni Thaddeus.
There was a long pause after that.
"I don't miss Amari," Leon whispered weakly. "I don't miss her at all."
That was the last thing I heard before the call ended. Ni hindi ko man lang namalayang namumuo na ang luha sa mata ko.
I closed my eyes, and the words to an old poem came to me. The images of Mr. Mendoza and Psyche faded into the background, and what took their place was something that would remain imprinted in my heart for the rest of my life.
When the time is right, I'll knock on your door and ask for my place again.
When the time is right, I'll stand in the silence next to you to soothe the pain.
When the time is right, I won't have to hold myself restrained.
When the time is right, you'll still find me waiting for you in the lane.
Rest now, L.
Until the time is right, my feelings for you will remain.