A/N I am so sorry for the late update. I just had the most stressful week of my life. My uncle died unexpectedly, then my parents forgot to tell me when the funeral was. So I had to race home to go to the funeral (which is 2 hours away from my school). On my way back to school I found out my dog died. Then the next day my niece ended up in the hospital with a 104 fever that wouldn't break. Then may parents went on vacation, leaving my little brother home alone, and he just tested positive for covid. Now he's home alone sick and upset he's missing his first day of school tomorrow. And now my boyfriend is being a real dick. With that note, happy update!
"So you're telling me that you met the Moon Goddess?" Lyle practically shouted across my apartment from his spot on my couch. I cringed at the volume of his voice, but thankful for the soundproof apartment at that moment.
I had been avoiding this conversation for a few days. Lyle finally cornered me into explaining, just like I was expecting him to. There were quite a few things we needed to discuss, but I needed some pushing to actually talk about them. That's why I had Lyle, he was great at pushing me to talk about things even when I really really didn't want to.
"Is that really the only part you got out of this story? Not that the Greek gods actually exist? Or that Quinn is a demigod? Or the god Apollo is his father or that the Moon Goddess is his aunt?"
Lyle shrugged sheepishly, putting his feet up on the coffee table. "Well that was the most important part to me. You know, the part pertaining to my mate," he sassed back, pulling me on the couch with him.
"Sure, that just sounds like an excuse to ignore most of what I say." Lyle's eyes became playful in reaction to my teasing. I rarely teased anyone. I was always very serious, and so whenever I teased him, he got excited quite easily.
"I really don't care how weirdly confusing Quinn is. We have always known he was special, and special usually means weird. I doubt he'd want us to throw him a party for figuring out his heritage," he paused for a moment. "Let's focus on things that matter!"
I raised an eyebrow dutifully. "Like what?"
"Like your new job as head councilman!" He threw his arm over my shoulder, pulling me in even closer. My body instantly tensed but eased quickly once I reminded myself I was safe in his arms.
Shrugging, I avoided eye contact. "There isn't much to tell. Constantine has been getting Xander and I settled. You know, teaching us all the paperwork methods and getting us up to date with current issues the council is supposed to address. It's a little... complicated." Constantine was the secretary to the council, organizing meetings and helping out the head councilman with all the paperwork.
Lyle snorted directly in my ear, startling me. "It's overwhelming, that's what it is. I should tell Quinn to introduce me to the Moon Goddess, so I can give her my piece of mind about the type of stress she has put on you," Lyle mumbled in his usual feistiness, directing his words to the universe rather than me.
"Let's not threaten gods. It sounds like a bad idea, to be honest," I warned, relaxing a bit more into his arms after the little jump scare he caused.
"There was another thing I wanted to talk to you about," I said hesitantly, cuddling closer to his chest to avoid looking at him. I was nervous to talk about this, but then again, I was always nervous to actually talk about my feelings.
He rubbed my back, his fingers lingering to draw circles lightly. "Go on, babe," he encouraged, causing a shiver to run down my spine at hearing the pet name I was yet to get used to.
Inhaling deeply, I thought about how to word my sentence carefully. All that planning went out the door as soon as my mouth opened. "I'm seeing a therapist," I blurted out in a less than graceful way. It was an idea that Jocelyn brought up to me. She always had a motherly and doctorly tone that made it impossible to say no to her.
I tensed as I waited for a response from my mate, but that wait was short.
"Oh thank the fucking goddess, even though I just cursed her out," he proclaimed, squeezing my shoulder with his hand that was draped around me.
"You're okay with that then? You don't think, I'm, ya know, too fucked up?" Lyle snorted louder than usual.
"Honestly, I think everyone should see a therapist! You definitely are fucked up, but so am I. I daydreamed about murder for weeks with all the gor details practically getting me horny," he paused in thought. "I should go to a therapist, too, huh? I mean you tried to kill yourself multiple times and now you are dealing with all this." he motioned around as if that had any meaning. "People have gone to therapists for far less. Good for you for actually deciding to make that leap. Maybe we should go to couples therapy?" He ranted, mainly to himself.
I raised my eyebrow, looking up from my position to peer at him in deep thought. "Why couples therapy?"
He glanced down at me giving me a look like I should already know the answer to my own question. "We are technically adoptive brothers. We grew up resenting each other until we realized we were mates. You can't tell me that's not therapy worthy," he reminded me.
"Okay, you have a point, " I relinquished, a little amused at his explanation of our relationship history.
"Of course I am right. I always am." I didn't say anything to that. Instead I let the small, content smile grow upon my lips.
We fell asleep like that, with me laying in his arms on the couch, curled up in the love we won't admit to each other just yet.
...
"So Blazen, we've seen each other for a few sessions this week," my therapist, Tanya, stated.
I had gone to therapy almost immediately after I brought it up to Lyle, seeing Tanya everyday this week for an hour at a time. I knew it would take time for me to open up to her, so I figured the more time I spent with her, the better. And the faster I could get better, the faster I could figure out my relationship with Lyle. Lyle was ever so patiently waiting for me to mate with him, which I desperately wanted to do too, but something was holding me back.
"Do you know what autism is?" I blinked, cocking my head in confusion as to why she was bringing it up.
"Um, yeah. It's a disorder where people have trouble socially interacting. There is high and low functioning, right?" She nodded along with my words, pushing up her glasses in the process. The reason I liked Tanya so much so far was because she was straight to the point, and never brought up topics that weren't relevant. We always got straight to the point, which worried me the most about her words.
"It's more of a spectrum than just high and low. It also appears differently in every person, and not everyone has all the possible symptoms," she explains, pushing her pen and pad to the side. "From what I've learned about you in the past few days is that it's very hard for you to understand social interactions. You spend ungodly amounts of time trying to decide what the perfect thing to say is, and when you don't have what to say, you just don't say anything at all. You speak of reminding yourself to smile at others and make eye contact. It's exhausting isn't it?"
I stared at her with a blank expression. "Yes," was all I responded with.
"You are very smart, Blazen, abnormally so. You analyze technical situations fast, yet social situations take a lot more effort. You have extreme difficulty talking about your emotions because you struggle understanding what you are even feeling," she continued, leaving me to stare.
"And you are fixated on death."
I gulped. I couldn't help but feel threatened by her now. She threatened the safety of my own mind, which made me uncomfortable. I had to keep repeating to myself that this is what she is being paid to do. This is her job, whether I liked it or not.
"You've almost died, what three times now? Then the moment you could focus on the death of other people, you did. You like death, don't you? It fascinates you?" I didn't say anything, just avoided eye contact. "I'm not judging you, Blazen. I just want to understand better."
We sat in silence as she waited for me to answer. I thought about my answer. My perfect answer as she phrased it.
"Death itself doesn't fascinate me. What fascinates me is how unafraid I am of it. I don't feel anything towards it," I admitted, almost unwillingly, but I forced the lump of words out of my mouth.
"How would you feel if Lyle died?" My eyes went straight to meet hers. She hummed, as if my look just told her everything she needed to know. "Now your views on death are changing. Your indifference is changing, and that scares you."
"Well, what does that mean? How do I go back to the way I was?" I demanded, immediately feeling bad for my harsh voice, but she didn't seem fazed by my tone.
"You don't. That's why you came to me, to fix this constant uncomfortableness you now feel because your obsession with death was interrupted in an unexpected way. I can't help you go back to the way you were before, but I can help you accept it. "
"So you can help me?" I asked nervously, not understanding what she had been saying.
She nuzzled up her glasses again, a friendly smile forming on her lips, which was oddly comforting. "I'm not saying you are autistic, we'd have to do a test to actually confirm that, but I can say that you exhibit similar behaviors. Behaviors that I can help manage, just like my other patients. I want you to understand other people feel the same way as you do, and they are able to have healthy relationships and happy lives."
I let out a heavy breath, feeling a little bit of relief from her words. I just wanted to know I was fixable, not too fucked up.
"Now ask me the question I know you've wanted to ask," she continued, with a smirk on her lips.
I thought for a moment before blushing, wondering how she knew about the question that has been plaguing my brain. "Do you mean about Lyle?" She nodded, confirming my suspicion. I sighed, raking my hands through my tangled, black hair. "I want to mate with him. I- I think I really love him, but I don't know. I feel like I'd be tainting him or something. He's just so perfect, and I'm so corrupted," I exasperated, pressing my sweaty palms together.
"You've had a rough life, It's okay to feel like you aren't perfect, but your past doesn't define you. I know it's a cheesy line to say, but it's true. You love him. You were meant to be with each other, and he loves you too. Don't let your past hold you back from happiness. Mate with the love of your life and start a new chapter. A better one."
"You don't think I should work on myself more first?" I questioned shakily, still not sure about her answer.
She shook her head diligently. "Working on yourself also includes working on your happiness. Nothing will make you happier than mating with him. Trust me, when I mated with Junfeng, I was the happiest I had ever been, and that happiness never faded."
My heart beated faster thinking about having Lyle under me, finally becoming one connected soul.
I left the office that day with a goal for next week.