"Bag?"
"Yep."
"Jacket?"
"Yep." I slid it on.
"Smile?"
I paused mid scrummage through my bag, "Uh huh."
Harry unlocked the front door and turned over his shoulder, "Got everything then, cherry girl, let's go."
I sweetly rolled my eyes, sweeping another glance over his apartment before turning and walking through the door Harry held open for me. He patted my bum on the way out and I sent him a glare full of love as he shoved the key into the doorknob and locked it.
"Where are we going again?" I asked as we rounded the corner and Harry smoothed his hand into my own. "You're asking like I told you the first time. I didn't." He said smartly, smirking down at me as he pushed open the front door of the complex and we both walked out into the afternoon chill.
Harry lived in an area more central than where Dee and I were. More livelier and closer to town with only a few minutes walk. So that was what we were doing. Walking. Taking a stroll. His hand in mine.
"Surprises get me anxious, you know that. Like severely anxious." I explained to him. My denim jacket keeping my body warm as the cold air whipped past us. Harry sported a comfy blue hoodie which melted me to mush. "Severely anxious," He chuckled, "You know I would never do anything, or plan anything, or take you anywhere, that would make you severely anxious. You know that, don't you?"
"Of course I know that. I'm just weird." Was my only viable thought to say.
Harry gaped down at me, "You're not weird! Don't say that. A lot of things make me severely anxious that wouldn't make you severely anxious. We're all allowed to have things that get us worked up more than normal. In this case, you know me. That I wouldn't do shit to risk this pretty fucking smile going anywhere."
I hummed, "Okay. I'm also excited," I truly was, and I would focus on that instead, "What are we buying again?" We both looked left and right before crossing the road, rushing across it to the other side.
"Just some snacks. Anything really. Whatever's your favourite, that's what we'll get." He said, squeezing my hand in his.
I let my thoughts run wild. It had been a long time since I'd really thought about what all my favourite snacks were. When Dee and I shopped now we tried to only get what was really necessary, with a little wiggle room to splurge on some snacks. Though some. Never all. We always had to take a vote on what would make it on the grocery list every week.
Hiking the strap of my bag over my shoulder— because the annoying thing kept sliding— I pondered some more on the thought. "Is this like, a picnic?"
"Mm," Harry hummed in thought too, "Not exactly. Could be, since we're getting random stuff and eating it. So maybe, yeah. But also, not quite."
I glared up at him, "That did not help at all. Like, in no way did that help."
Harry shrugged, "Tough luck, baby."
My brows furrowed as I darted my tongue out at him, his warm hand finding the small of my back as he turned us to the left and into the grocery store.
The bell above us chimed as we ventured inwards. We headed straight for the snack section, or where we knew it would most likely be. The faint sound of some kind of music played through the speakers, it was fuzzy and slightly unsettling when thought about too hard.
But before we knew it, there in front of us was exactly what we were looking for.
"Oh, salt and vinegar crisps!" I grabbed the bag and immediately placed it in the crook of my arm, eyes scanning over the shelves.
Harry stood behind me as he looked too, hands holding my hips and chin leaning on the top of my head. "Original as well," He said grabbing another bag, "So we can balance out the vinegar." I turned over my shoulder and eyed him, "Balance out the vinegar? You're crazy." He just laughed.
I reached to grab a packet of cherry sours. Harry went for a pink panther bar. I snaked some rolos. Harry swiped some grape flavoured nerds.
Soon, we held a satisfying amount of snacks that had my stomach growling just at the thought. "Anything else?" Harry called as he scanned the shelf one last time. I pouted in thought as I did the same. "No, I don't think so." My hands were full, so we're Harry's, and we slowly made our way to the checkout.
"Oh, push pop." I whispered to myself and swiped two into the stash.
I sported a little jog as I caught up to Harry who was currently dropping a milky way into the mix. Reaching him, I softly dropped the items onto the counter and stood beside Harry like an excited little girl.
When I reached into my bag for my wallet, Harry peered down at me instantly and shook his head, "Don't offend me, please." I screwed my face up at him, "Are you sure?" Because if he said yes, then I would simply huff and comply though know to reimburse him in some way down the track.
"Yes, baby. I'm very sure." He said.
I huffed, smiling, "Thank you." I told him.
He payed for our stash and grabbed the bag that the young worker had put our snacks into. We both bid our thanks and headed for the exit.
"Okay get this, in middle school when I would walk home, I would absolutely always stop at this grocery store we had near my house. Anyway, I would grab some coins that I knew were in the first drawer in the kitchen that nobody ever used," Harry was smiling as he listened to me speak, holding the door open for me to walk through, "and every Friday I would buy myself a push pop and eat it on my way home. But then by the time I would get home my tongue would either be blue or red, so I normally went to the library and hung out there until the-"
My heart felt as if it had well and truly given out. The pit of my stomach dropped and I thought for sure the mass of dread had fallen along with it.
Across the street, out the front of a little cafe, my eyes could not waver from the people outside of it even if I'd tried. There was a little boy, a toddler most likely, his teeny arms wrapped around a woman's leg. It seemed to me it was his mother, the way he was sweetly looking up at her, making those grabby hands for her to pick him up.
And if it were his mother, who had more of her back to me still, though I could see her side profile enough, then that meant that I was an auntie.
Because beside her, stood an extremely aged look alike of my mother. And it was her, I knew. Her hair had streaks of grey in it now, something she used to despise ever looking like. Her aged hands were gripping a stroller, and she beamed the most genuine smile down at the little boy, one I'd never seen her do in all of my life.
Could it really be them? My mind questioned again. Heart pounding. Skin feeling uncomfortably sweaty. But I knew it was. Not only because that was my luck. But because it looked exactly like them. Just an older version. And a little boy thrown into the mix.
It was really them. It was really my mother. And Evie. And the sweet little boy who had a head full of dark hair. As Evie turned more to the side, peering down at the boy, I could then see her in full. Her hair was short now. Just below her ears. It was lighter than it had been and her face still looked the same, though her eyes seemed more tired than they'd been when I'd last seen them.
She was saying something to the boy, not yet picking him up and taking him into her arms. Though she was grinning, she seemed happy. I looked back towards my mother, she was radiant too. Something in my heart broke a little. Or faltered for the tiniest second. Maybe it hurt to see them doing just fine without me.
It shouldn't. I knew that probably made me a terrible person. But it had been years. And just like I was now doing fine, they probably were too.
Evie had raised a little boy. My mother had most likely been there to support her through it. I couldn't see my father there now but he could have been anywhere. He would've supported her too. The three of them. Now four. Experiencing all the special moments. I focused on my mother, the way she was gripping that stroller, waiting patiently with the cheesiest grin on her cheeks and wrinkled eyes because of it.
I wondered when she had ever looked that happy whilst raising me, and as far back as my mind allowed, I knew the answer was not that easily found.
I could hear them laughing even from across the street, as Evie tucked her hands under the boys underarms and hiked him up onto her hip. She made a funny face at him that made his little chuckle tumble from his lips, all the while my mothers laugh filtered through the afternoon air.
The image stung my entire body and yet there was nothing I could do nor say. I didn't want to do anything. Nor did I want to say anything. And so I would do nothing but watch and ache a little inside.
"Mae?" Harry's concerned voice fled through my mind like a remembrance and a warning sign.
I had drowned everything out around me so thoroughly that when I looked at the scene again, I realised they weren't that easily seen amongst the busy street of people. I had just seen them and blocked everything else out unconsciously.
When I focused on them again, I could no longer hear their laughs, just their movements as Evie was placing the little boy into the stroller.
"Shit," I heard Harry grumble, and so I blinked a few times before I turned his way, "Mae, shit. Are you okay?" He must have followed my line of sight from a second ago because now he was looking at the very scene that had made me stop abruptly in my tracks.
"I'm not sure." I told him honestly.
His head whipped my way, eyes meeting mine, "Okay," He nodded, understanding, "Let's go. Do you want to go?" His words felt like a breath of fresh air. They also felt like a reminder that I had my own life now. That just because I'd seen them, did not mean I was back there living it.
My mother, Evie and the boy now had their backs turned to us completely, strolling further down the street after maybe having a nice afternoon meal. I wasn't sure of the feelings brewing and bubbling away inside of me.
If anything, seeing them worked as a bittersweet reminder that life still went on. After everything that had happened, they had managed to bring a baby boy into their life and maybe that's what stung the most. The fact that I was meant to be an auntie. That I wasn't and never would be. Not to the little boy anyway. And he would never know of me. Not one trace of my existence. And they would all go on playing happy family, except maybe they actually were happy this time. Without me.
I swallowed the sting. Blinked the dryness away. And completely turned around to face Harry entirely. "Yeah," I breathed, "Could we go please?" My tone was soft and I hated that it was. He peered down at me and nodded gently, "Yeah, cherry girl, let's go."
He took my hand securely with his and I let him lead my body in the complete opposite direction of the people I would soon need to forget again.
-
"The record store?" My voice quivered out as I stood stagnant before the shopfront, peering up.
Harry squeezed my hand, "The record store."
My insides pinched and my heart leaped a little at the sight. The fact that we had been here years before. Standing in this very spot. And here we were again. Two people who still carried the same exterior though were made up of completely different things compared to the two that had been here all those years ago.
"It's empty?" I questioned, noticing the lack of people inside. Harry hummed in confirmation, "Got Dee to close it for the rest of the day. It's all ours." He said as he led us forward, digging the key out of his back pocket and fitting it into the doorknob.
I felt as if I had lived this very scene before, and I had, truly, though now I was doing it with a different mindset, different morals, new ways of thinking and a boy that really was all mine this time.
So I smiled, because I wanted to do nothing else, and I let him lead me inside. Up the top step. Closing the door behind us. We stood just had we had the last time. I glanced around. The setup was still the same. Rows upon rows of records sectioned in alphabetical order. There was a best seller section. As was there new releases. In the far corner, the turntable still resided there as if it had been waiting for us to return.
"Feels like we were just kids when we were here last time. We hardly knew much." Harry said, letting go of my hand and turning on the fluorescent lights above. He placed the shopping bag with our snacks down onto the counter beside the light switch.
And he was right. It really did feel that way. I hadn't known half of the things I knew now. That felt good in a way, that I could look back and see just how much I'd grown. Though it also made me sad, for the girl who had been here years prior and hadn't had the slightest inkling about what was ahead for her.
"I always thought you were trying to impress me by taking me here," I smirked, looking around and taking it all in, "Were you?"
Harry's low chuckle filled up the entire space and I instantly felt warm. Like I wanted to be nowhere else in the entire world but right here with him. "Of course I was," He laughed, "You had asked me to play my favourite record and I did, but let me tell you, baby, I was absolutely shitting it." His smile was so wide it reached his eyes as he came to stand by me again.
"Why were you shitting it? I would've loved anything you played." And I really would have. Though I still remembered the INXS song he'd played for me and how whenever I heard it now I only thought of him.
He shrugged, "I don't know, Mae," Glancing down at me as he was, his eyes twinkled under the light blue lights, "You made me extremely nervous. Still do."
I gaped, "I do not still make you nervous."
"It's true," He shook his head, "You do."
My head tilted and I rose my hands to capture his cheeks gently. His skin was glowing underneath the lights and his tousled hair looked soft to the touch. I placed my lips to his and savoured the feeling. Of him. Of this moment. Of all of our moments leading up to this one. Of his aftershave. Of the stubble coating his jaw and cheeks. He moved his lips with mine at such a sweet pace my heart ached.
"It's just me," I whispered against his wet lips, "Nothing to feel nervous about."
He just laughed deeply, the sound reverberating from the back of his throat. He looked as if he wanted to say a million things all at once.
"Play me something?" I asked him, pecking his lips some more. He smirked, "I'll play you something, then we'll talk." I knew exactly what he wanted to talk about. About what had happened earlier.
And I knew that was the smart thing to do. He knew there was no way my mind was quiet for me right now. But the thing is, my mind was quiet. Quieter than I thought it would be anyways. I wasn't sure if I had already begun pushing the memory away or if my mind simply didn't want to think about it anymore that it already had.
"Okay." I smiled shyly, kissing him once more before letting his cheeks go and taking a step back.
I watched him as he made his way through the rows of records, eyeing them until he was in the right section. He slipped one from its place and I turned to look away, wanting to hear the song before I spoiled it for myself and saw the cover.
"Now this song," Harry called, nearing the turntable though turning towards me, "This song!" He exaggerated out, placing a hand over his heart, "Can't explain the things it does to me, Mae. And as much as I love it, it's also extremely fitting. Every word is true." He rummaged around, I assumed taking the record out of its slip, seeing as I was trying my best not to look.
My brows furrowed, "You like so many artists I can't even try to narrow it down." I said, thinking hard but ultimately getting nowhere. Harry laughed from his place across the room in agreement.
"Okay, ready..." He sang, turning to watch me fully with one hand over the turntable.
I took a breath, "Ready."
Harry placed the arm down perfectly and the beginning ensemble of a song even I loved so much began to fill throughout the space.
Ooh, you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you you're all I see
A smile so wide found my cheeks and I grinned. I was sure my eyes were sparkling. It definitely felt like they were. When I met Harry's glance, he was watching me like he was happy that I was happy. And I was. Truly.
"Harry, I might cry." I told him. He breathed out a laugh and made his way forward, towards the middle of the floor. I took my own steps closer and met him halfway, until I was looking up at him. "I'm here if you do." He said, which made my heart deep dive further.
Ooh, you make me live now, honey
Ooh, you make me live
His steady hands found the curve of my lower back and he settled his hands there like he always seemed to do. My own hands lay on his chest, fiddling with the strings to his hoodie. "Wanna talk about what happened?" He asked softly.
Oh, you're the best friend that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
"I'm not sure I'd know what to say," I said honestly, "I wasn't expecting to see them there. At all. But also, what? Did I expect to just never ever see them again in my lifetime? It'll happen again, like it did just before, and I won't ever know when it's coming. It'll just happen. And I'll have to move on. And I don't want it to get to me. If it happens again, I just want to be okay."
And I want you to know that my feelings are true
I really love you
Harry frowned, dropping his head down a fraction, "And, are you okay? Because if you're not, then that's okay too." He was so sweet I really did want to cry. But I thought about his question as best I could.
Ooh, you're my best friend
"I think I am okay, yeah. I mean, of course it shocked me. And, you know, as selfish as it sounds, it sucks to see them carrying on in life without me. They seem to be doing very okay. But there isn't a part of the past I want back. And I think it's normal to see them and hurt. But they don't even deserve my hurt, and they don't deserve to be thought about so, so I don't want to give them that. I don't want to think about it all too much really."
And that was the truth. This wasn't an average situation where I knew which way to navigate towards. I wanted to let things be. And so I would do just that. Because that was life, after all. I could only control so much, and the things that no longer served me, I needed to not try and control. Things just went on. Whichever way they liked to. So, I would let this go.
Ooh, you make me live
Ooh, I've been wandering 'round
Still come back to you
Still come back to you
"I'm really proud of you, Mae." He said, thumb and index finger holding my chin so that I was looking up at him properly. My cheeks heated and he must have read the expression on my face.
"I'm serious, baby, I am. And I count myself extremely lucky to be able to live this life with you. Those people have lost the most precious girl in the world and you know what, good that they have, because they don't deserve to have all the loveliness you give. So the fact that I get it? Like I said, I count my lucky fucking stars, baby. I'm grateful. For you. I know the years haven't been easy but thank you for loving me the way you do. We're in this together, and we always will be."
In rain or shine, you've stood by me, girl
I'm happy at home
Happy at home
You're my best friend
My heart gushed and gushed. Completely ravished and shy and wanting to explode with joy. I threaded my hands underneath his hoodie and around his waist, holding him close to me as I lay my head against his chest and hugged him as tightly as I could to convey just how much I loved him. His arms were quick to snake around me also, holding me just as much.
"Thank you." I whispered.
His chin lay as softly as ever on the top of my head and I felt as he whispered back, "Thank you."
Ooh, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you to help me forgive
Ooh, you make me live now, honey
Ooh, you make me live
In our embrace, Harry began to move. Taking slow circular steps to the side, to the side. Round. And round. I smiled into his chest once I realised we were dancing. Or rather just moving along to the music. Though dancing sounded way better. The fact that I was holding Harry, here like this, that he was holding me all the same, and we were dancing? Nothing sounded as beautiful as that.
Ooh, you're the first one when things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the things
I really love the things that you do
Harry's hands found their way to my jaw. Guiding my head up from his chest so that I was looking at him again. His long fingers smoothed along my skin, holding me as his thumbs stroked my cheeks and he sang softly against my lips whilst we continued to sway around, "Ooh, you're my best friend."
Laughter tumbled out from my lips and I looped my arms around the nape of his neck, now on my tippy toes and swaying with him as I kissed his lips and he kissed mine.
The late afternoon glow mixed in with the fluorescent lights created a space so moodily lit that nothing could have made it all look more perfect. As Queen continued to hum it's tune, Harry and I stayed as we were, moving along peacefully.
After the song had finished, and we'd slowly come to, out of our calmingly created state, we let our arms slink down from one another as Harry walked back towards the turntable. He had another record waiting to be played, and as he neatly put away the first one, then eagerly set up the next one, my tear ducts yearned to cry and cry and cry.
The soothing voice of george michael soon filled the air and I sighed a relaxed breath. Because this. This. It was exactly what I longed for without even realising it.
Harry called, "Grab those snacks, Mae, let's sit outside." Whilst already unlocking the door that led to the back of the carpark.
I jogged over to where he had sat the bag, snatching it from the countertop and feeling it loop through my fingers as I made my way outside the open door. Harry had placed the door stopper down and so george michael's voice followed us outside too.
Harry was already sat on the elevated pavement and I clutched the grocery bag to sit down beside him. Once I did, my own shoulder bag slinked right down to the ground next to me. "Finish telling me that story from before." He said, and I was shocked to realise I hadn't thought twice about forgetting to finish it.
I emptied the grocery bag into my lap, spreading it down between us before placing the stray snacks back on top of it. "Well, it's not much," I laughed, "I just used to hang out at the library until the colour wore off from my tongue. I would end up reading through these really great books though. But you know, who really dedicated so much time to waiting for the push pop colour to leave their tongue until they could go home? Crazy." My eyes rolled playfully at the memory.
Harry was grinning, "Not crazy, actually. My parents would've caused mayhem if I'd come home with a coloured tongue too." He said as he went for the original flavoured crisps, opening the bag and shoving a few into his mouth. His jaw clenched as he chewed. The sight was quite lovely as I opened my own salt and vinegar bag and did the same.
"I mean, what's the big deal? Maybe if they'd let me have some from time to time I wouldn't have been such a push pop whore back then." Harry choked on a crisp and his laughter spread throughout the quiet carpark, "Push pop whore. Look, I respect it, but I was always more of a milky way whore. I'd down so many of them, swear to god." He reminisced.
I reached for the cherry sours between us, fiddled with opening them, then popped one into my mouth. "Oh yeah, I used to acquaint myself real well with a milky way bar too." I breathed a laugh.
"Fine," He sighed playfully, looking down at the milky way bar before us, "We can split it." His eyes rolled once before he looked to me and winked.
And he did, end up splitting it with me. He opened that chocolate bar up and halved it in two. The gesture shouldn't have made me soften but it did. And I was convinced that anything Harry did would make me soften, because when he did things, he did them so gently and carefully that there was nothing else to do but melt.
"Could we watch a movie tonight?" I piped up, sucking on another cherry sour, "Remember we were kind of supposed to watch one last night, but you ravished me instead. Which, might I add, I have no complaints about." I said, unable to contain the chuckle that left me.
Harry's brows raised, "I ravished you." He repeated, testing out the words for himself, "I've never ravished somebody before. I'm glad you were my first." He said. My cheeks reddened slightly like they always did.
"Yeah, baby, we can watch a movie. We can rent a video on our way back. Anything in mind?" He shook the small packet of grape flavoured nerds into his palm and shot his head back as he cupped a hand over his mouth and crunched them.
I didn't even have to think about which movie. "Beetlejuice!" I gasped, "My absolute favourite."
Those gorgeous lips of his widened, "Beetlejuice is your favourite movie? I didn't know you were a horror chick."
"Have you seen Beetlejuice? I wouldn't classify myself as a horror chick if that's what we're calling horror."
He pouted, "Okay, smarty pants." His arm reached over to my face, thumb resting on one cheek as the four rested on the other and he squeezed, "We'll pick it up on the way home. And I have not seen it."
My lips were smushed up in his hand but my eyes widened at him not having watched the film before. He then leant forward, pressing his lips to mine before letting go.
"You choose another one and we'll watch them both." I offered, leaning back on one hand while eyeing him.
He rose a finger to the side of his temple in thought, "Ah huh!" He exclaimed, "Got it! The Rocky Horror Picture Show."
My lips parted, "Yes!" I gasped, "Oh my god, yes!"
Harry shrugged like he was totally cool, chucking a crisp into his mouth and quirking up one side of his lips, "What can I tell you baby... I'm that good."
He was. He really, truly was. But I couldn't give him too much satisfaction. "Good choice of film," I gave him that, "Don't get such a big head about it." He smirked and I watched as his adam's apple bobbed while he did so.
I turned, reaching for my bag to rummage through it. Once my hands clutched to what I was looking for, I pulled it out, uncapping it before letting it glide against my lips. The cherry scent filtered through me and the taste appeared the faintest bit on my tongue.
Screwing the bottom a bit more, I swiped it over my lips again, one last time. Rubbing them together, I hoped the subtle red would show enough on my pale skin. I brushed a piece of hair back behind my ear and then dropped the chapstick back into my bag.
"Can I have some?" My eyes fluttered straight to Harry as soon as the words had oozed like honey from him.
"You want some of this?" I asked like I had all those years ago when we were in this exact spot, sitting right here just like this.
I pointed to my lips, now rosy and flavoursome.
He nodded, "Mhm, yeah." But I had already known the answer.
And so I scooted closer to him, leaning forward, changing up the memory of what we once knew. I placed my palm to his cheek slowly, softly, so gently as if I didn't want anything to break, and then I closed the space between us entirely.
His smiling lips soon became in tune with my own. The two dancing their own rhythm. Folding into each other as if they had been separated for far too long. 'Oh how I love you! Your softness! Your touch! You, lips, I have been waiting for nobody but you! Kiss me again!' They spoke to each other fluently. They always understood. And they always would. It was that easy. They moulded the shape of one another to always be reminded of their feel.
When we both leant back, inhaling a needed breath, Harry muttered between us, our lips still so close I felt the warmth emit from them, "Cherry." He said, already knowing its flavour.
I beamed and the twinkle reflected in Harry's eyes, "My favourite." Yet he already knew that too.
He pecked my lips once more before leaning back. I did the same, smirking at the way I had just caught Harry licking his lips.
As we both sat, hands behind us to keep us upright, my palm lay on top of his and all felt right in the world. Comfortable silence had nestled itself between us for a minute or two, before Harry piped up and let his gorgeous voice fill up the space instead.
I listened as he spoke, I swear I did, but I also couldn't help but think about how no voice could ever enter my mind and stay there as sweetly as his did. The faint sound of george michael drowned out the natural noises of the carpark. Blanketing itself around us as if to nuzzle into our presence. The afternoon sun cast its glow and let us share some of it. My breathing mixed in with his. It was practically one.
He was telling me about his writing and I was taking in every word, even though my mind was in awe of being able to sit next to this boy and feel like the little girl I was never able to be, all the while being the woman that I was. It was admirable really. That he evoked such feelings and emotions from me. How no one ever could, but he, he could. He knew how.
A part of me shouldn't be surprised, wasn't surprised, because of course, of course he knew how. But the remembrance would always shock me and leave me in complete astonishment. That this man with the boyish smile and golden glow knew me. He knew me! He knows me! He does!
The lingering scent of summer was in the air, the combination of freshly cut lawn, suntan lotion, blooming flowers, clean sheets and fresh air, it always was when he was near. And I knew, god did I know, that I would remember us in no other way than this.