Morgan Sinclair
For the past hour Dane and I have been sitting and reading at our daily meetups in the library. Except yesterday, I gave him the day to be alone given how stressed he was after my night out. Today though, I needed my escape.
He has said that this would be good for assisting in regulating myself emotionally. A hobby or something that calms me down whenever I feel twitchy or I'm losing control. I'm twitchy nearly all the time so the daily trips here have been nice but distractions like this aren't a permanent solution only a way to help out for minor things. He's right, for major things when too much emotion comes on too quickly I can't go read a book or sing a song in my head.
But I really love it here, hanging with Dane and getting to read. I wish this place had music though. It does but only older records and as much as I love all music I need my specific playlists. Especially lately. I need to listen to songs that reflect whatever I'm feeling and I feel like Tutti Frutti by Little Richard wouldn't exactly match up to my current mental state.
Whatever, hopefully soon I'll have access to my music. Along with not believing in the word comfort, this place doesn't believe in anything post the 1980s. There's one tv in the living room but the buttons on it are broken and there's no remote so it's only the weather channel 24/7.
"What's up?" Dane asks noticing my eyes wandering around the room.
"Just thinking. If this library didn't exist I'd actually lose my mind here." I say continuing looking around. The vast room of four walls, each lined with hundreds of books upon the mahogany shelves, and a huge unlit stone fireplace in front of Dane and I sitting in large leather wingback chairs.
He looks around briefly. "Not a fan of the dull grey concrete everywhere?"
"Not particularly." I laugh. My eyes zone in on the rounded flat top ring he's brandishing on his finger. "When'd you get that ring?"
He glances down at his hand tilting it forward enough so I can see the engraved lines- three almost triangles, like mountains or something. "I normally wear it around this tiny chain but the chain broke this morning. So it's here until I get another one." He says. "It's from Chloe, she gave it to me after I complained about only having my one High Royal ring." He smiles bittersweetly.
"That's cute." I say then another question pops into my mind, one I've been thinking of out of curiosity but have been a little preoccupied with more current events. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." He says.
"So the Fallen. I know they... fell before the war with the celestials or something but what exactly happened? I mean why turn them into vampires?"
He sits up straight in his chair and closes his book. "There were originally 15 of them. To avoid things like Nephilim from happening Celestials weren't allowed to leave their hidden cities unless it was to visit another city. Kendrick and Luciens cities used to be relatively next to each other, Luciens in Greenland and Kendricks in north eastern Canada so they had their little section of the world. The 15 of them found a secret way out of either Lucien or Kendrick's cities without being detected. They'd meet up and go hang around the humans anywhere in the world, one was a powerful celestial witch so they could teleport anywhere. For some it was just a genuine fascination, for others they loved how humans viewed them as gods. They got a power trip from it but that half wouldn't tell the other half. They were all under the impression that they just liked humans and the mundane- little human things they did."
"Did they not do anything normal like that as celestials?"
"No. Celestials were very stoic creatures. There was no romance and love, or sunbathing, or relaxing, or laughing with friends. It was like everyday was a day in the office for them. Even having a child was pretty much a business proposal."
"That's awful." I say as he places his book on the end table next to his chair.
He gives me an agreeing look. "They got to experience things they haven't before. Humans reveled in every day they had because the next wasn't guaranteed. Being immortal they didn't have to worry about that. Eventually the other High Celestials and their king, Azrael found out about their daily outings, even though Lucien and Kendrick did their best to cover it up. They punished them- they 'fell from grace.'" He put in air quotes. "Those 15 supposedly loved humans and the things they did so they cursed them to be in direct opposition of that. They loved the sun so now they no longer could walk in it. The gardens they tended to- your mother Aurelia brought a plant back with her- sage. She loved the way it smelled, so that became toxic to her. To all of us. The humans they were so fond of became their only source of food, cursed with an insatiable hunger for their blood. Their immortality remained so they could spend forever as a product of their mistakes." He explains. "Half of them were a wreck, they were cursed and they acted that way. The other half saw it as a gift. They loved this even more. They remained as powerful as they were and had even more power over humans."
"I'm assuming the vampires initiated the war then."
He nods, confirming my assumption. "The 15 were all pissed just for different reasons. Some wanted revenge, some wanted a show of power; that the celestials had indirectly created a species that would be their ruin. Once they found out they could sire people- turn them, they started building their armies. One thing led to another, celestials got wiped out, 6 Fallen died, and here we are."
"Holy shit." I sit in silence for a moment to process it all. Then my mind focuses on another thing. "I know Aurelia isn't one to share what she's doing- or more so can't but has there been even the slightest hint of anything?"
He frowns as he shakes his head.
I push on my teeth with my tongue. "I genuinely hate this Lucien guy. Never even met him but I hate him."
"If you ever met him you'd hate him even more."
"He was really always an asshole even when you guys were kids?"
He makes a face. "Asshole is putting it lightly."
"Psychopath." I suggest.
"Still putting it lightly." He laughs but shadows cross his eyes. "He has expectations. Since I was about school age he was forcing me to shadow him, watch him do heinous things. Sometimes he'd force me to do it."
"What like... he'd make you kill people?"
"From the ages of about 7 to 16 yes." He states very casually. "He will do vile things to ensure you are what he wants you to be. If you do something wrong in his eyes there'd be a consequence. He liked starving me. Locking me in a cell for days on end- no food, no one around, nothing. He liked burning Victoria."
My eyes widen as my heart twists in my chest. "He'd burn a child?!"
"A teenager." He corrects. "Not that that makes it any better. She didn't grow up with him. She had a family. Lucien took her away from them when she was 15. She wasn't anything of use to him prior to transitioning." I sit there with my mouth agape. I didn't know Victoria was taken, I can't imagine it was as amicable as when Kellan was taken. "With me, he thought if he could get to me before transitioning then after it- I'd be perfect. Or what's perfect in his eyes. None of what he wanted me to be genuinely stuck. I don't know how but I'm happy it didn't. I was a good actor though."
"But to have to act all the time, that has to be tiring." I can't imagine the things he was forced to do under Luciens watch and afterwards to keep up the facade.
"It is but I have my escapes."
"Reading." I take a quick glance around the room.
"Reading, cars. Recently- or well 40 years ago I bought a..." He leans forward putting his elbows on his knees. "Only Chloe knows about this but I have a house. A small ranch house in this little suburban area, still within my territory but it's about an hour outside of my city. Two bedrooms, I use one as a library. I spend the majority of my time there."
"Not at your palace?"
"I hate it there. It's too much. I like the quiet of my house, plus no one around expects anything of me. Except my neighbor Walter, he's reprimanded me for not cutting my grass correctly." His lips upturn as he thinks of that.
I chuckle. "Your nobles or your people don't know where you disappear off to?"
He shakes his head. "Nope. They have their hands full they don't care about what I'm doing. I'll handle major things if they need me for it but the mind numbing everyday bullshit they deal with."
"You're really not a fan of the whole royalty thing are you?" His mouth downturns as he shakes his head 'no.' "Okay, so if you weren't a High Royal then what would you want?"
He smiles small, as his hazel eyes flicker around the room while he thinks. "So I have this fantasy." He says looking back to me. "Where I get a beach house preferably on the east coast. Pretty small kind of like my house now but it has to have a nice view of the ocean. I'd have a big garage for my cars, so I can work on them whenever. And every morning I wake up and have my breakfast on the back porch in one of those wooden beach chairs looking out at the ocean as the sun rises- heading inside before I burst into flames obviously but... There'd be no Lucien, no responsibilities, just calm. Simple." He says with bright eyes and a bright smile throughout it.
"That sounds amazing." I say. I can't help but notice that Chloe wasn't mentioned in this fantasy of his at all.
"It could never happen but a guy could dream." With a shrug he adds on. "Maybe in another life." He pats his legs, before standing up. "Do you wanna get something to eat?"
Always.
Now in the kitchen he grabs two blood bags from the fridge and hands one to me. A full one. Thank God, I feel better with this development. I can think clearer and function better. Not anywhere as good as it straight from a human- I cannot express how much I miss that. It's only been like two days Morgan relax.
I pull off the top of the blood bag and take a sip from it. "You know or at least somewhat know Aurelia, right?" He nods in response. "What- what is she like? Did I at least do well in the mother department?" I ask as I drink.
"I don't know her all that well. We have more of a business relationship- speaking here and there, and I've seen her at events over the years. From what I've experienced and what her people say... she's gentle, kind, very caring but don't mistake her kindness for weakness. She's absolutely not one to be trifled with. She's among the few Fallen who know they're powerful but don't have to prove it to others 24/7." He states as he drinks his own.
A small smile forms on my face. At least she's somewhat normal, not an abusive sociopath from the sound of it. I finish the rest of the blood bag, wishing it was fresher and warmer the whole time.
"Wow look who's stepping up in the world. A whole blood bag." Grayson says walking into the kitchen. "I don't mean to tell you I told you so but..." He smiles crookedly at Dane.
Dane rolls his eyes while I fight back a laugh. "I'm gonna go, see you Morgan." Dane says exiting the kitchen leaving me with Grayson, whose staring me down with intentions I can't figure out behind his eyes.
"I think we have to talk." I say, putting the blood bag in the trash.
"About what?" He tilts his head.
"Me kissing you."
His blue eyes light up the tiniest bit. "Ah come to prove me wrong?"
"No, no." I feel a pang of guilt when that tiny light dissipates once I say no.
He laughs softly. "I'm kidding. I think the whole thing was self explanatory. I gave you the advice to take what you want, I happened to be something you wanted in your intoxicated state, now you're sober and can think clearly."
"Yeah but-."
"It was a mistake right?" He states.
His words caught me off guard. "Yeah." I quickly gather myself. "Yeah, a mistake." We stare at each other for what feels like years as the silence weighs heavy on my chest then I say quietly. "Um, if Dane or anyone asks, I forced you to take me to the bleeder den."
"You forced me?" His eyebrows shoot up.
"Yes and I was very convincing." I chuckle lightly.
"Alright." He smirks at me and I feel the blood rush into my cheeks.
In back of Grayson, Kellan walks up glaring momentarily at Grayson before turning to me with a neutral look. "Morgan can I talk to you?"
"No." Grayson answers for me.
"Is your name Morgan?" Kellan asks, standing next to him.
Grayson smiles insincerely. He turns to him, staring at him with that frighteningly vacant look in his eyes. I take a step in between them. "It's fine." I say to Grayson. "We do have to talk." I turn around to Kellan, whos scowling at Grayson behind me. "Gray, it's fine." I say without facing him.
There's a heavy silence behind me but finally I hear his footsteps trailing off. Kellan finally looks to me. "Can we go somewhere more private?"
"Okay." I say. He walks out of the kitchen, down the hall towards one of the dens in the house. I follow thinking of the several directions this conversation could go in and playing out each one of them in my mind. "What's this about?" I ask stepping in the room, passing him while he holds the door for me. I go over to the couch in the middle of the room and take a seat. I might as well be sitting on concrete this couch is awful.
"I wanted to apologize." He says closing the door. "For yesterday. I've been doing a lot of thinking about how badly I fucked all of this up. You and me."
"Don't take all the credit. I've been a little more all over the place than I usually am."
He sits down in the recliner chair next to the couch I'm on. "No excuse for grabbing you the way I did. For saying those things, calling you a monster or implying that you will be. I know how much you hate that word and I called you it." My jaw tightens as he says that. "As much as I hate to admit it I deserved Grayson breaking my hands." I raise my eyebrows and have to smile internally- not at his broken hands just that Grayson went out of his way to do that. "And I'm sorry for expecting you to be perfect. That's just what I'm used to."
"Perfect women?"
"No." He responds quickly. "Me. I was holding you to standards I keep for myself."
"Kellan you can't expect yourself to be perfect all the time."
"I can and I do." He states.
"Why?"
"Parents. Isn't always parents with us?" He laughs weakly, then he goes on to tell me about his parents, how his dad held him to high standards but his mom was a different level. Perfection was demanded of him. "The first couple of weeks I was with her, if I had issues here and there she let it slide but afterwards..." His eyes leave mine for a second and dart around the room. "I had to get my shit together." He looks back to me. "She said she wouldn't have a child acting like a depraved lunatic. Her and her family are royalty and we will act as such. We're role models, who our species looks up to so we have to be respectable, be the perfect example of what a vampire should be. Controlled, poised, powerful but humble."
"So the opposite of what I've been told Lucien preaches."
"Exact opposite." He sits in silence for a moment then swallows, "again I'm sorry for how I acted and the things I said. I shouldn't have done any of that I just lost my temper." He says fidgeting with his hands.
"I'm sorry for losing mine." I add.
"So are we okay?" His green eyes dance between mine.
I give him a reassuring smile. "Yeah we're okay."
"Good." He beams, looking like a thousand pound weight was lifted off his shoulders. "I've missed you. I'm glad we can try this again."
"Try what again?" Please don't say what I think you're gonna say.
"Us."
Fuck.
I nervously laugh. "Kellan no. There can't be an us again."
His wide smile fades instantly. "You just said we're okay."
"Yeah as in good terms. Like we're not about to kill each other like yesterday, but not back together." I explain.
"I don't understand. I apologized. I-."
I stand up from the couch. "And thank you for that but I'm not gonna get back together with you just because you apologized. Honestly, we're both a little too hot headed to be together, I mean another fight, we'd kill each other. Not to mention that... I'm not perfect. I won't ever be and along with that club night, I now don't think you're ever going to be okay with the bleeder den. I mean you told me to never go to one of those places again but I want to." I admit.
"Why?" His brow furrows.
"I enjoyed it." He looks like his heart just shattered into a million pieces, just from stating that. "I loved it to be completely honest, so I'm never going to be who you want me to be or act how you want me to act. I'm glad we're on good terms but I can't go back to ignoring my wants and needs."
"I still love you." He breathed.
"I know. I'm sorry. I do hope you find the girl you're looking for one day." I say sincerely.
"I found her." He says frantically. He stands up, placing a hand on my cheek. "You're her."
He's searching for a girl within me that simply doesn't exist. I take his hand and lower it off my face. "I'm sorry." I drop it and walk out of the door leaving him standing there in silence.