jalaiah
it's been two months since mariah and the crew rescued me from that house. I've been adjusting to my new normal, it's been hard. I've been depressed since being back home and I haven't talked much.
Bakari wants me to go see a therapist and I will, eventually, but I'm not ready too yet. I haven't told Bakari about the miscarriage a apart of me doesn't want to, but the other part of me wants to because that was his child too.
"baby, i brought you something to eat" bakari spoke on the other side of the guest bedroom.
"I'm not hungry" i replied laying in the bed.
"come on bae, you have to eat something. you haven't eaten in three days."
It was true I couldn't bring myself to eat anything without throwing it back up. I lost a lot of weight, my shape isn't the same as it was since before. I look like a twig and all of the curves that I did have were nonexistent now.
"I'm coming in." bakari spoke.
The bedroom light was off & the windows had sheets over them. The air in the room was thick and foggy. I felt the bed dip behind me, "baby" Bakari's deep voice spoke so softly.
He placed his hand on my shoulder causing me to flinch. "I'm here if you want to talk about it, ok." He spoke.
I stared at the wall tears streaming down my face.
"I love you queen" he said one last time before I heard the door close.
I should've told him to stay
Why did it have to be me?
Fuck, i just want him to hold me and tell me that everything'll be ok.
Why am I so fucking stupid
I hate myself for doing this to him
He should be having fun not here with me
If I end it now, he'll be better off without me.
I sighed, turning over seeing Bakari had left me a tray of food and it smelt really really good.
I pulled myself up in the bed and grabbed the tray on the nightstand. He cooked baked chicken, dirty rice and green beans. Yummy i thought licking my lips and digging in.
Today will be the day I get out of this bed and find myself again i mentally repeated to myself.
step one get healthy and eat.
step two find a therapist
step three love on & thank my man
step four get back to work
step five live my life
From this day forward, I'm done being depressed and shutting everyone out of my life. I finished eating, I got up from my bed. I was about to walk out of the room but didn't. First take a shower
I took a nice hot shower and put on something comfortable. I put on a grey jumpsuit, a cream colored long sweater, and cream colored fur slippers. I put my hair in a up knot bun and put on some gold accessories. I walked out of the room and into the kitchen to wash and clean my dishes.
When I walked into the kitchen everyone's conversation stopped, "hey, queen" Bakari smiled brightly at me.
"hey" i said dryly.
Everyone spoke to me which kind of made me nervous. I desperately wanted to go back into the room but I fought myself to get out of the house.
"I'm going to starbucks, i should be back in a few minutes." I told Bakari.
"do you want me to go with you?"
"no...i need to get out for me." I politely declined his offer.
"I don't feel comfortable with you going out alone...but i understand. Be safe. I love you." Bakari tried to kiss me but I curved his kiss.
"I will." I nodded grabbing my keys and purse from the table near the door. I walked out of the door to my Lexus. I started the car, put my seatbelt on, and shuffled my playlist before driving out of the driveway.
Hrs & Hrs by Muni Long played throughout the car. I hummed along to it while driving to Starbucks which was 10 minutes from the house.
I pulled up to starbucks going to the drive thru. I ordered and paid for it. I decided to pass the time by going into target. Of course, my phone rung off of the hook. I answered the FaceTime from hubby💍🥰.
"laia, where you at mamas?" Bakari said worried written all across his face.
"I'm at target. doing a little retail therapy, why?" I propped my phone up in the seat while I sipped on my drink. I looked at the camera.
"fix your face" i giggled covering mines.
Bakari laid in bed with a black durag on his head and no shirt. His tattoos were on full display and looked super good on camera.
His face held the most emotionless expression. "ain't nothing wrong with my face,"
"mhm, whatever you say bk." I pursed my lips, humming.
"bk? why the hell you calling me bk." he twisted his face up in a frown. I shrugged.
"use your words..but I'm just checking up on you mamas. I'll see you in a lil bit. I love you."
My heart fluttered at him calling me mamas. "ok..see you soon, love you too." I mumbled looking at the decorative pillows and such.
We hung up and I found myself strolling up and down the aisles until I came across the baby section. My eyes instantly started to water.
I would've been at the end of my 2nd trimester and shopping for baby nursery. I quickly walked pass the aisle on my way to get some things for the house than i made my way to check out.
I called Bakari so he could help me with the bags since I was about to pull on our block. I got out of the car and grabbed a few bags. Bakari came out of the house and helped with the groceries.
We put them away. I started on dinner, we ate at the dining room table than watched a movie in the living room. "bk?" I looked at him.
"yeah" he hummed looking at me.
"I want to go to therapy..you know, figure some of this stuff out and I need to tell you something." I took a deep breath before continuing to speak.
"while i was..away...i had a miscarriage at eleven weeks...a-and the baby was y-yours." I admitted in one breath. I couldn't read his facial expression.
"I am so sorry you went through that alone. I s-should've been there with you or did something." He sighed. "Is it okay if i-yeah." I nodded cutting him off.
He wrapped his other arm around me and pulled me into a hug. I took that opportunity to straddle his lap. We looked deeply into each other's eyes.
"did you know the gender?" he asked.
"no" I shook my head.
"In my dreams it was a baby girl." I half way smiled, his once straight face turned into a half smile.
"for real?" he chuckled, I nodded smiling.
"and she looked like you, she had my complexion."
"damn..would you want another baby?" Bakari asked out of the blue.
Honestly I hadn't thought about it. "i think so" i nodded, "once I figure myself out again. yeah."
"cool. whenever you ready, say the word." he smiled making me nervous.
"ok" i replied pecking his lips. He squeezed my butt a little. I got off of his lap and laid my head on his chest. We finished watching the movie.
thoughts?
jalaiah is slowly but surely adjusting after...baby steps.
Bakari got a worried bout jalaiah, which is to be expected.
therapy session in the next chapter
08/29/2022
1,310 words