In today's chapter, i will be tackling misconceptions and stereotypes about asexuality (and aromanticism at some points). This chapter was requested by an absolutely lovely reader, and i do hope i did the topic justice!
A SHORT EXPLANATION
So i'm going to start off with something simple; what is the asexual spectrum, and what is the aromantic spectrum?
The asexual spectrum (abbreviation: ace-spec) refers to sexual orientations that are asexual or are closely related to asexuality, with the identities under the asexual umbrella being closely connected as part of a broad community. Some people on the asexual spectrum may completely lack sexual attraction, or feel it so little that they relate more to the asexual experience than to the allosexual experience. A common link between people on the asexual spectrum is that they do not feel what society deems the standard amount of sexual attraction, or they may not feel it in the standard way.
Asexuality is both a spectrum and an umbrella term. The term may be used to refer to anyone on the asexual spectrum, and some people might prefer to use it as such as in the end, it all depends on the individual.
Now onto aromantic: The aromantic spectrum (abbreviation: aro-spec) refers to romantic orientations that are aromantic or are closely related to aromanticism, with the identities under the aromantic umbrella being closely connected as part of a broad community. Basically take the previous descriptor and switch up the terminology, and there you go!
Now that that's out of the way, let's get started shall we?
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #1: ASEXUALS ARE ALL ANTI-INTERCOURSE OR REPULSED BY IT
This is, as the title hints at, simply just not true. Asexuality is a spectrum, and quite the big one at that. Not every asexual feels the same about that sort of topic, in fact there exist many who are actually more positive and enthustiastic about it than some would think! So let's get deeper into that, shall we? For this, i will be switching onto aromanticism to make it less awkward for me to talk about in detail, but as i have said before; switch up the terminology and voila, you can practically use the same sentences when talking about the asexual side!
Now there is also a misconception that all aromantics are anti-romance or romance repulsed. Just like with the other misconception, this is simply just not true. Yes, there does exist aromantic individuals who are romance repulsed and who might hate things to do with romance, but they are not the entire spectrum. An aromantic person is just like everybody else, they can like romance just like anyone else, just like how they can absolutely hate it. It all depends on the person. Being aromantic in of itself does NOT equal anti-romance.
The reality is, they might have nothing against romance. They can still enjoy and seek out a good love song, or a story with a romantic theme while not necessarily wanting it for themselves. Or maybe they do want it for themselves, again it depends on the individual! There exist aromantics who are neutral on romance, who are indifferent to romance, who are very positive towards romance, and finally people who are completely anti-romance! Everyone is different, and same goes for asexuals. They can be positive, neutral, indifferent, negative, you name it!
Being asexual or aromantic is not a reflection of a person's feelings towards what others do, or what they might enjoy doing themselves. You can be anti-intercourse without being asexual, just like you can be asexual without being anti-intercourse.
This misconception/stereotype can actually (unfortunetely) be quite harmful in the community. It can lead to people on the a-spec being excluded from conversations and spaces where this is the main topic or a large part of it. It is a sad reality that even though to some it might not seem that big or serious, it can unfortunetely affect others.
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #2 : ASEXUAL = AROMANTIC
Asexuality and aromanticism share many similarities, both being a part of the a-spec: a-spec (or a-spectrum) is an umbrella term for all identities on the asexual spectrum and aromantic spectrum. A-spec can describe an individual who is on the asexual spectrum, the aromantic spectrum, or both. A-spec is also sometimes used more broadly to include other identities that use the "a-" prefix, such as agender and aplatonic, and likely more!
That being said, even though they are both part of the a-spec, it does not mean they are the same thing, nor does it mean that an asexual individual is automatically also aromantic. They are two seperate identities at the end of the day: one having to do with romantic attraction, and the other to do with sexual attraction, and each term contains a spectrum of identities. One can be one, both, or neither. Those who are both aromantic and asexual may call themselves aroace, but not everyone a-spec is aroace.
Romantic orientation is separate from sexual orientation, so people who for example identify as aro aren't necessary also ace.
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #3: AROMANTICS/ASEXUALS ARE UNABLE TO FEEL ANY TYPE OF ATTRACTION
Absolutely not true! There are a myriad of different types of attraction, and though some might have a disconnect or lack some or even all, those on the a-spec do not automatically lack them!
Attraction can in most cases be put into three subtypes: physical, emotional, and tertiary. Different types of lesser talked about attractions in the media include; aesthetic attraction, sensual attraction, platonic and queerplatonic attraction, alterious attraction, familial attraction, and more!
Some on the a-spec might even form queerplatonic relationships with others, though it's not exclusive to a-specs nor queer individuals.
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #4: ALL ASEXUALS ARE THE SAME OR FIT THE SAME DESCRIPTION
In other words, that everyone who identifies with the asexual spectrum are always just that, asexual. Or on the other side, that everyone who is on the aromantic spectrum are just that, aromantic. Not greysexual, not demiromantic, not cupiosexual, not anything else, just asexual. Just aromantic. But in reality, there is a whole spectrum for a reason. Not everyone fits into a neat little box with room for just one label or descriptor.
Microlabels means a lot to many in the a-spec community. They are an important part of the spectrum and the community as a whole, and they are valid. They don't have to be just like everyone else, they don't have to follow the "standard" descriptor; they are still under that umbrella. Microlabel or not, they are still a valid asexual, they are still a valid aromantic.
There's no specific demographic, appearance, age, or gender that is linked to being asexual or aromantic. A-spec people can look like anything. There are likely many who are on the a-spectrum and don't even know it, because there is even less information out there in the mainstream about microlabels.
On that note, it's really not that uncommon for a person to be on the ace spectrum while also identifying with another label. A person can be both demisexual and bisexual, for example! And that doesn't make them any less ace-spec!
Unfortunetely, i have witnessed gatekeeping both inside and outside the community against ace and aro people when it comes to this, many times from queer and non-queer people alike who are against microlabels or a-spec people in general.
No matter what, a-spec people are apart of the community, microlabel or not.
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #5: BEING ASEXUAL IS ALWAYS A PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER OR A PHYSICAL PROBLEM
No, no, no, absolutely not!
Asexuality is in no way a disorder or comorbidity itself. The big thing psychological disorders and asexuality have in common is that you do not choose to be or have either. An asexual individual does not just wake up and choose to be asexual one day, nor does someone with disorders just one day decide to have a disorder. Just like how one doesn't just choose to be gay, or choose to be straight.
There is no evidence to suggest that asexual people have a hormone deficiency which causes a lack of that form of attraction, nor is it even a problem. Being asexual is not a problem, it is who we are. We are asexual, we do not have asexual.
There is nothing wrong with us.
(And as an add-on: caedsexuals are ace due to trauma, and trauma is not in of itself a disorder nor a choice. Trauma is a very tricky thing and lumping it in with just disorders or a physical problem in general does not feel right)
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #6: ASEXUALS AND AROMANTICS CAN'T HAVE FAMILIES
Some people believe actually that, which is kind of sad and insensitive.
Although some asexual people don't want to do the deed, it doesn't mean they are unable to want to have children. There is no specific association between being asexual and being childless or single.
Some might not want to have biological children, but that does not mean they can't be parents! Adoption and surrogacy exist after all, and it doesn't make the individuals any less of a parent. Some might also adopt or do a surrogate/donor because they don't have or might not be interested in having a partner at all, ie aromantic individuals can of course have families too! Many actually choose to form intimate platonic relationships with other people and they co-parent that way.
Doesn't make it any less valid. Doesn't make them any less of a parent.
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #7: AROMANTICS ARE COLD AND HEARTLESS
They have plenty of feelings. Just because they don't feel romantic attraction doesn't make them some cold, horrible person! Aromantics could be some of the most loving people you know. Everyone is different, any person can be "cold and heartless" regardless of orientation. Their orientation does not determine their personality. They aren't emotionless robots, they are human. They are not unnatural. They can form deep, emotional connections just like most of you, and can be completely content with platonic love and other close relationships. Some of the nicest people you know could be aromantic.
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #8: ASEXUALS AND AROMANTICS DON'T ENJOY TOUCHING, KISSING OR HUGGING
Physical affection doesn't have to involve romance or anything like that. Just like alloromantics, some aromantics like to be touched or held, and others don't. Some enjoy intercourse and others might not. Same goes for asexuals on all this. Just because someone is ace doesn't mean they automatically hate kissing. Some do, but it's not a requirement for all aces to just be completely repulsed by other people. Some are of course, but it's because people are different. You can be completely allo and dislike all of these things, and that's okay!
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #9: ASEXUALS AND AROMANTICS CAN BE "FIXED"
No they can't. There is nothing to fix in the first place. There is nothing wrong, so there is nothing to fix. They are right just the way they are.
Not being in a romantic or physically intimate relationship doesn't necessarily make them lonely or less happy than anyone else. If they don't want that stuff, then they are in their right not to! They're just vibing. Trying to force romance or other stuff on an aromantic or asexual person— or any person for that matter— is a bad and horrible idea. They won't appreciate it and someone's feelings will likely be hurt (and probably more). Forcing that sort of thing on someone won't make them suddenly want it or like it, honestly it might just traumatise them instead! It will not "correct" them— there is nothing to correct, so stop.
MISCONCEPTION AND STEREOTYPE #10: BEING ASEXUAL IS "RARE"
Though some may believe the majority of the population– including your friends, families, and loved ones– are allos, that might not be the case.
Alright, so— on a 2004 study by Bogaert, asexuals were estimated to make up around 1% of the population. This procentage is likely untrue due to a couple of factors. First and foremost, back then there were many people who didn't even know what asexuality or the a-spec, and that's the case for a lot even today. Many might not even realise that they are a-spec yet, while others are closeted. Given that the terms have become more well known in today's times, more people are identifying as them; because they now have a name for it, now they understand it more. Many can be on the spectrum without even realising it, and some probably never will. And so, the old estimated number is quite out dated. Asexuality is not rare at all, just like how being gay isn't rare.
Also, if it was just 1% of the world's population, that's still around 75 million asexuals, and who knows how many aromantics. That's certainly not a small number.