Chapter 28
Great Love
raeminiscence | #WDLFUwp
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I have never felt so lost in my life.
After all of my aspirations and passions, I never grew tired of chasing after it. Malinaw ang vision ko sa kung ano ang dapat kong habulin. Nilista ko na lahat ng dapat kong maabot pati na rin kung paano ko dapat maabot ang mga 'yun sa likod ng talambuhay ko.
Being so driven by my career choices, I forgot I put my relationships on the line.
I risked people along the way. I shut my gates too soon and shoved people at the back, then completely threw them out of my life like they never got involved with me.
The moment I finally had someone to figure out life with and sort out its drastic parts, I knew I was never going to get any luckier even though I barely believed in it most of my life. That's ironically comical, wasn't it? Aside from Darcey, Maddox was the only one who made me think people are made for each other, made to be found by the right people despite the time.
Kumapit ako nang napakahigpit doon. Kahit ano mang mangyari, kasama ko si Maddox kaya okay lang 'yun. When the negative air dissolved, I had Maddox's light anticipating to meet me at the front of everything. I had my years of comfort and relief hanging on to that thought.
Was it reasonable for me to throw four years down the drain? As simple as that?
I must have been mad. And insane. Maddeningly insane. Or maybe insanely mad.
But whatever it was, my heart told me I trod the right path. Kahit na tanggihin ko nang tanggihin 'to, deep inside alam ko na gagawin ko 'to.
It felt wrong but I had the need to do it.
Noong nag-usap kami kagabi na magkita kami ngayon, may maliit na boses sa utak kong nagsabing ito na 'yung panahon na 'yun, na gawin ko na. I weighed down every ounce of thought. Bawat oras na natitira bago kami makapagkita ulit, ginugol ko 'yun sa pag-iisip at pagpapaplano ng kung anong gagawin ko. It was already reckless of me to think about breaking up with him, yet it would be more reckless of me to go to him without anything beforehand.
However, despite my preparation, no time would ever be the right time for me to do this...
I wouldn't exempt us from the pain, I would be prolonging it for us instead.
Nag-text siya sa'kin na hindi niya nakalimutang magkikita kami ngayon. May ilang minuto pa naman siya bago 'yung napag-usapan naming oras. Kahit na pinayagan na sila ni Miss Kyr na hindi na mag-practice ngayon dahil sa pakiusap ni Maddox, may mga kinailangan silang puntahan ngayon na hindi na maiuusod pa sa ibang dates.
When Maddox called to tell me all about this, I figured early in the call he was overly explaining and compensating. Pansing pansin sa boses niya na nagpa-panic siya noong nagkausap na kami. I didn't talk much not because of calmness but because of familiarity with the sequence of events.
Magmula noong tumawag na siya sa'kin, alam ko na kung saan pupunta 'yung usapan namin.
He told me in our call that he'd be here by four but it's already an hour past that.
He was late... Again.
I couldn't keep on holding on to lax promises. It was nothing but one disappointment after another. As much as I'd been patient, the fine line separating me from it was washed away with the waves and the sand.
Hinabol niya sa text na may fitting sila ngayon—kung para saan man 'yun—at patapos na sila pero hindi na ako tumugon doon. Sumisid na lang ako pailalim sa karagatan ng mga iniisip ko.
I sat on his bed, facing the closed curtains by his window. Not one ray of light seeped through but it was finer that way. It wasn't fitting to be sad in the middle of the most golden of hours.
I thought that, after some time, it would get easier for us; that, along the way, we would find ourselves in positions where we had already figured things out, yet letting things run its course wasn't the bestest idea to live by.
Loving Maddox was as natural as the next sunrise. It was something to be grateful for and to look for once the day starts. But at the same time, loving Maddox was as natural as the vehemest tempest. It came with raging excitement and passionate outbursts that if I wasn't too prepared, I would be drowned in it too fast.
I didn't go in prepared but the next time I surged, I came with packs of bags and survival kits... I tried to be prepared but supplies only lasted for a short amount of time, so then I'd have to make something out of nothing.
That was impossible.
The door creaked open then revealed a silhouette of tall stature and wavy hair. Maddox's slow and heavy steps echoed in the room.
"Chai, sorry..."
'Yun na agad ang sinabi niya sa'kin pagpasok niya ng kwarto niya. I didn't budge or turn to face him; it would be harder for me to say what I needed to say—too hard I might delay telling everything at once.
"Hindi ka na rin nagre-reply sa mga text ko. Natagalan lang kami sa pag-fit kasi may mga naunang naka-sched kaysa sa'min. Hindi naman namin ugaling sumingit," he explained.
I wasn't checking my phone because I kind of already predicted what he would message me. Our conversations became more of a pattern than a natural course like the way we used to talk when we were still getting to know each other. Kahit para sa'kin, lugi naman na ipinagkumpara ko 'yung kami ngayon sa kami bago lumipas ang apat na taon pero ganoon ko 'yun nakita.
He sighed exasperatedly, taking up the space right beside me. His weight crushing the soft bed pulled me closer to him. He kept on glancing at me but I didn't want to return it. I knew that at the sight of his kind eyes, I would give in right away. The hold he had on me was frustratingly absurd... It was unfair.
He spoke up again, "Anong ginagawa mo dito habang wala ako kanina, Chai? Na-bored ka, no? Kahit ako rin naman siguro, mabo-bored nang sobra kung mag-isa lang ako dito. Tina-try nga kitang makausap at makausap kanina para may nagagawa ka e."
I pushed my lips outward. "Just here..."
"Ah..."
Hindi siya mapakali sa inupuan niya. His hand fidgeted, his foot tapped the ground, and he kept on drawing in chunks of air. He did anything to distract himself from the lack of noise bothering him utterly.
We were both unwilling to speak anymore, as if the silence predetermined the course of the meeting, but that same silence pounded along with my heart. I felt him steering away from me more and more. He was beside me, and for the longest time we've sat this close in a long time, I still couldn't feel him.
"I want to break up..." I started.
I planned everything yet at the moment I set my foot down, I lost everything I had planned and jumbled it with my imperishable thoughts. I picked up the pieces left and tried to make up of what I could still remember.
"Don't get me wrong, I still love you. Very much. I don't think I will stop loving you. I can't even see myself in the near future without picturing you in everything I do..."
It was tempting... but I refused any morsel of thought pushing me to meet his eyes.
"I love loving you, Maddox..." My heart sank upon the glance of the ring around our left ring fingers, our names engraved inside it like how he was already marked in my heart. Permanently. "But loving you is a heartbreak waiting to happen."
Pinaglaruan lang niya 'yung singsing sa kamay niya. Marami siyang gustong sabihin, nakita ko 'yun sa mukha niya pero pinigilan niya ang sarili niya. This wasn't the way I planned this out... This wasn't supposed to be just a one-way transaction.
"Can you please say something?"
For the past minutes, only I did the talking while he stayed silent and listened. I knew everything I said was too much to bombard on him but I needed him to speak, to know his side of things... Kahit ngayon na lang ulit, marinig ko man lang sana siya.
"I don't want us to leave the room with unsaid thoughts, so if you have anything to ask or say to me, please say it now."
He cleared his throat and croaked, "I-Ito ba talaga gusto mo, Chai?"
"Yeah," I nodded.
But that doesn't matter.
Please talk to me...
He shook his head. "Ikaw lang naman ang mahalaga sa'kin. Kung anong gusto mo, Chai, doon ako..."
"You're... not going to stop me?"
"Makikinig ka ba sa'kin?" he questioned weakly.
I looked down to the ground, feeling the guilt creep everywhere. "No..."
"Para sa'yo ba... ito na lang talaga 'yung sagot?"
I let the silence answer his question, hoping he would understand what I meant.
Staying longer would eventually bring the both of us more pain. I wouldn't even be here if I hadn't thought this through. The impending weight on my chest lingered for weeks until it brought me to where we were now.
"Hindi mo man lang ba ako papakinggan? Desidido ka na e. Wala nang kwenta 'yung sasabihin ko," he sulked.
"I still want to hear what you have to say."
Ito na 'yung problema e. The words we wanted to say didn't emulate such importance and worth anymore, therefore left hanging in the air where it would never be heard again. It became such a cycle that after one turn, we get more tired of the same situation every time.
At least I did.
"Alam ko naman kasi... na mali ko talaga, na kasalanan ko kung bakit ganito kaya hindi na rin ako umayaw. Nahihirapan ka na, Chai, e."
Hindi dapat ganito. Hindi dapat kami nagsisisihan kung sino ang may pagkakamali at kasalanan kung paano kami napunta rito. We both played parts and were to blame. None of us was truly guilt-free.
If the situation were to be different, Maddox wouldn't be squeezed in this position and I wouldn't push myself over and over to cut us off.
Because I knew Maddox like the back of my hand.
I made it a pact to myself that I wouldn't stand between Maddox and his career, I wouldn't put him in a position wherein he had to choose between me and anything.
Hindi man 'yun ganoon kahalata ngayon but we were going into that stage.
He was being pulled into different directions and he couldn't choose as every choice he had to make was equally important to him.
Hindi ako madamot lalo na't alam ko na ang kapalit naman ng lahat ng ito ay ang kasiyahan niya.
"Maddox, I didn't want us to break up because I think it was your fault."
"'Yun kasi sa'kin. Gets ko naman, sabi ko nga. Kung hindi ka naman nahihirapan sa'kin, hindi mo naman 'to maiisip, 'di ba?"
A dry chuckle cut through us. He threw me a glance, trying to see some kind of reaction out of me but I had none.
"Hindi rin naman kita masisisi. Hindi kita sinisisi," he added.
I clutched my hands together, the pulses on my wrist throbbed and bounded.
"I'm sorry... for wanting to break up. But I'm also thankful I have met you. I learned a lot from you as a person and a lover. You can tell me it's cliché but parts of me wouldn't even be mine if it wasn't for you."
He supported me a lot in my growth. The inspiration he planted in me flourished into achievements and milestones.
Nothing will ever compare to that. Nothing will ever compare to Maddox's role in my life.
They said that one's first love is about the idealistic part of love... The one with the never-ending butterflies, the one with excerpts taken from fairy tales, or the one with imaginations of how love should be and feel like. Everything seemed so unreal and fanciful that we would rather swallow the ugly parts just to make it beautiful and dreamy.
I didn't want any of that.
I wanted love because I wanted it wholly; Maddox gave it to me with his all.
Every flaw, every victory, we accepted it because that was how we loved.
I smiled wistfully. "There's a room in my heart that will always be yours to fill."
Maddox's love transcended me even if it meant sharing a piece of himself with others. His selfless tendencies offered me a cup of tea during winter and fruity popsicle sticks during summer and I gave what he gave me so tenderly for others to share.
His love never deprived me of anything.
He never demanded anything from me, he just wanted me to be there.
We had so much trust built around each other... Para sa iba, sayang kung papakawalan ko 'yun. Sayang naman talaga. But that same trust taught me to believe in myself the most like how Maddox would for me.
"That wouldn't change even if we're broken up."
"Ano ba 'yan. Noong nag-sorry at thank you ka na, lalong naging totoo para sa'kin 'to. Talagang maghihiwalay na tayo, Chai? Walang round two?" he even tried to crack a joke.
"Maddox..."
"Alam ko! Biro lang naman. May one-week period ka pa para mag-refund. Pero ikaw naman 'yan, Chai, kaya kahit lifetime na 'yung validity ng refund mo, okay na okay lang sa'kin."
I tried to laugh. "That wouldn't be right."
"Weh? Right na right nga para sa'kin e."
Ganoon kabilis, na-off-topic na kaagad kami. This would be one of the quiddities I'd miss out on in the next few years. How could I walk past the places I called ours without thinking of the conversations that he obliviously steered us away from?
We made so many things our own, things we couldn't share now that we're already broken up.
"Hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula... Ang hirap din kasi hindi ko na mame-make up 'yung mga nagawa ko." He slid his fingers against his hair, clearing his throat. "Sorry na wala ako sa mga panahon na kailangan mo talaga ako. Sorry na hinayaan ko 'yun lumagpas dahil alam kong papatawarin mo lang din ako o kaya lilipas lang din 'yung mga araw na parang wala lang. Ang gago ko doon, sobra. Pero higit sa lahat, sorry dahil pinaramdam ko sa'yo na hindi kita pinipili o inuuna."
"Hindi mo kailangang mag-sorry sa mga 'yan," I consoled.
Umiling siya. "Kailangan ko. Alam ko. Matagal ko na 'yang kinikimkim. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi pa 'yan sinabi noon pa. I got too caught up in my life, I forgot yours was as significant as mine."
My fingers twitched just to hold his, so I could tell him it was still okay... Tatanggapin ko pa rin naman 'yung apology niya kahit kailan. I just removed myself the right to do that, all I could give him now was the silent nods and dried-up chuckles.
"Mas mahirap pala simulan 'yung pag-thank you... Dapat ko bang simulan sa una tayong nagkakilala? Para malaman mo kung paano mo nabago 'yung buong buhay ko noon pa lang?" he asked in a lighter tone now.
"'Wag na."
"Bakit?"
Napailing na lang ako. "'Wag na..."
"Talaga? 'Wag na talaga?" he repeated, his shoulders slumped.
I pursed my lips into a tight-lipped smile. "Don't."
Hearing his reasons might weaken my kneecaps and push me to willingly take him back.
"Kung ganoon, pwedeng isang hiling lang? Bago mo ako iwan?"
"Ano 'yun?"
"Isa lang talaga 'to, Chai... Last na 'to, hindi kita pipigilan pagkatapos. Hindi rin kita guguluhin. Hahayaan na lang kita."
I reeled in tons of air. "Ano nga 'yun?"
Every story has an ending, even the stories about great loves. Mine just ended and he's kissing me for the last time.