Wren Ridley
I was laying on my stomach, one arm underneath my
pillow and still half asleep when Landon shook me awake. I only cracked my eyes open slightly and saw his glaring face as he lay on his side against the wall. The two of us barely fit in my bed, but that didn't seem to matter until now.
"Get up," Landon said, shaking me again.
"You can't even let me sleep in after I took care of you last night?" I asked, glancing at him through sleepy eyes.
His glare stayed settled on me like he was trying to move me with his mind.
I wanted to kiss him, and the thought made me feel queasy. But now the thought was there and it wouldn't leave, not after almost kissing him last night, not while I was looking at him with his hair a mess and eyes narrowed that were still a little swollen from sleep.
I let my head rest on my hand, my elbow braced against the pillow holding my head up, and I grinned at him.
"Get that stupid fucking smile off your stupid face and move," Landon snapped.
"You wanted to kiss my stupid face last night," I reminded him, which I knew would only make him angry, but I couldn't stop myself.
His glare hardened, but instead of responding, or punching me in my stupid face, Landon climbed over me to get off the bed. He threw one leg over my waist, and we made the briefest eye contact before he moved the other one over and hopped off the bed.
"Lance, I don't get why you're angry," I said, sitting up as he gathered his phone and keys I had laid out on my desk for him.
He whipped his head back at me with a frown, then let out a humorless laugh.
"You don't get why I'm angry?" he asked rhetorically. "I'm fucking angry because of you!"
I raised my eyebrows. "Me? I don't recall doing anything between last night and this morning to make you angry at me."
"You almost kissed me!"
"With your permission."
"It doesn't matter!" he shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "You got into my head, made me want things I shouldn't want, that I can't want!"
"And how exactly did I do that?"
I stood up from the bed and he stepped away from me.
"You just do," he said. "And it ruins me."
"I thought you were getting better," I started. "You know, with all the religious trauma."
"Shut the fuck up. You don't know anything about it. You don't understand."
"You're right. I really don't," I told him. "But if you need to blame me to make yourself feel better, that's fine."
He didn't respond to that, just stared at me.
"However, I think we both know that it's not really me that has you feeling like this," I said. His eyes left my face for a brief second.
I walked over to my dresser and picked up the clothes Landon had left the last time he was here and handed them over. He ripped them out of my grasp and made his way to the door.
"And Lance," I said, causing him to pause just before he opened it. "Next time you want to kiss me, you have to make the first move."
Landon didn't look back. He opened the door and let it slam behind him as he left the room.
James walked in a few moments later, looking like he had been asleep for the past year.
"What did you do to Landon?" he asked, yawning and scratching the back of his head. "I saw him when I was coming out of Stella's and he looked absolutely pissed."
I sat down at my desk, opening up my laptop to check my school email.
"Oh, he's just running late for class."
***
"Why is my latte so expensive?" I asked Anthony later on that morning when I made my way to the coffee shop.
"It's the annoying customer tax," he said with a blank look.
"What happened to the favorite customer discount?"
"The annoying customer has to pay the tax so that the favorite customer can get the discount," Anthony explained.
"And you gave someone else my discount?"
"You never got that discount."
I shrugged and paid for the latte and whatever else he put on my order.
Once I got my drink, I went to my usual spot and opened up my laptop. I had a lot of work I needed to get done between the novel I was working on, my coursework, and the research I was assisting one of my professors with. Even with all that in front of me, I still kept looking toward the door every time it opened to see if Landon had walked in. It was never him.
Not only was I letting that distract me from my work, but my phone was blowing up from a group chat my mother made with her, Dad, Fox, and me. Apparently Fox had games against Brown and Providence College coming up in a few weeks and our parents wanted to make a weekend out of it and decided that had to be planned right now.
To: Group
When is this?
From: Mom
Thanksgiving weekend!
Fox has games on that Friday and Saturday :)
It will be fun!
To: Group
Sure it will.
From: Fox
ur an ass
To: Group
Okay.
From: Mom
No fighting! We will have fun as a family <3
At that point in the conversation, Dad just started sending random emojis because for some reason he was so fascinated by them. He sent a fox and bird with hearts next to each of them.
I put my phone facing down on the table and continued doing coursework. I still glanced at the door every so often, and cursed at myself for doing so, but Landon never came.
***
Landon Reilly
After class I went straight to the practice facility to use the gym even though I didn't have to be there for a few more hours. I hopped on the treadmill, since I didn't get my run in this morning, and hoped that it would help clear my head.
It didn't. At all.
I still only thought of Wren and how fucked up I was for letting myself want him. Letting myself want to be kissed by him. I could just hear my father in the back of my mind telling me how disgusting I was, that I would burn in hell for eternity. As much as I wanted to tell myself that it didn't bother me anymore, it did. I still let him haunt me.
And my situation with Wren only made it worse. Wren texting me while I was away and lonely, making me miss him, Wren using sweet words last night and making me think he missed me too, that he wanted me the way I wanted him. It made me sick to my stomach.
I couldn't be with a man even if I wanted to. It would always come back to this, to me freaking out, remembering all the times my father made me hate myself, and to me continuing to hate myself even after my father was out of my life. All that damage he caused always came back.
It was just as well because I knew Wren didn't actually want me. He wanted me because he couldn't have me. Because I intrigued him, like he told me. I would just be something to occupy his time. It wouldn't mean anything to him, not the way it would to me. It wouldn't stay with him, take up space in his mind, in his heart. It wouldn't change the way he saw himself.
I would be someone just like James to him, someone that was just there and convenient.
The treadmill said I had already done five miles. Some of my teammates filed into the gym, doing their own workouts before practice started. I took this moment to go outside and take a break to call Matthew Hanson.
"Hey Landon! How are you?" he answered cheerfully.
"Fine, you?"
"I'm great," he replied. I let out a deep breath.
"So, uh, I hate to ask you this, but I was wondering if you could add some more money to my account," I said, feeling like I was going to vomit at the words.
I hated asking the Hansons for money. They had already given me so much, but I was desperate and my coaches wouldn't take too kindly to me getting a job that interfered with my hockey schedule. Hockey was the whole reason I was here in the first place. It was the reason I didn't have to pay a shit ton of money to be here, so it had to be a priority. I had looked into some on campus jobs, but most of them either interfered with my classes or hockey.
"Oh! Yes, of course," Mathew said. "I try to keep an eye on yours and Micah's accounts, but I don't even remember the last time I checked."
"Thanks, I really appreciate it."
"So how's everything going with you? Everything okay?"
"It's... it's going," I said.
"Did you ever make an appointment with one of the counselors at school?"
That was something my therapist had wanted me to do while I was away and couldn't have regular sessions with her, but I had neglected it thinking I didn't really need to go. Now I was rethinking that decision.
"I've been busy," I told him, which was mostly true.
"I know you are," he agreed. "But your mental health is important, just as important as your physical health. Would your coaches let you get away without seeing the trainer if you got hurt during a game?"
"No."
"Exactly," Matthew replied. "I don't want to double down on you, Landon, but I want you to find time to go to a counselor there okay? They might be able to help you and refer you to a therapist in the area."
It wasn't like I could say no. This man was giving me money. He gave me a place to stay, got me into this school, onto this hockey team. I owed him and his wife so much. The least I could do was do what he asked of me, especially since it was for my own benefit.
"Yeah, will do."
"Alright. I'll let you go. Im sure you have practice soon," Matthew said. "Call me any time, Landon."
"Okay. thanks again."
We said our goodbyes and I made my way back into the gym. It was more full now. A lot of the team liked to warm up before practice started.
Rojas was over in the corner stretching. He nodded at me in acknowledgment when he saw me enter the room.
Cooper was in there too, but we both did our best to avoid each other now.
Practice was the same as always. I did as the coaches said and didn't speak to anyone. Rojas came over a couple times and tapped me on the back with his stick like he was checking in on me, giving me encouragement. That was his job as captain, a job I failed at when I was captain of my own team.
After practice I went to the dining hall to have a big dinner filled with protein and greens. While I ate, I scrolled through my phone for information about the counseling services at school and sent an email to try to set up an appointment that didn't over lap with class or hockey.
Then later I went to the library to work on homework, which was something I never imagined myself doing. But there was something keeping me from going back to my room where I was be all alone, knowing Kyle wouldn't be there. It felt too lonely. At least I was around other people so long as I stayed out of my room.
Rojas had found me in the library and sat down across from me. I didn't look up at him until he slowly closed my laptop.
"What?" I asked in a hushed tone.
"I haven't seen you in here before," he said, leaning back in his chair.
"So?"
Rojas shrugged. "You seemed pretty down at practice today, more down than usual. Everything okay?"
I narrowed my eyes. "I'm fine."
"You sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure," I snapped. "I don't know why you think I need to be checked in on like I'm a child but it's not necessary."
Rojas smiled at me, completely unfazed by my outburst.
"Because you're a freshman and I've been there before," he said. "It's a difficult time, a huge transition. It can be very stressful. I just want to make sure you're okay."
I didn't answer.
"And if any of the guys on the team are giving you a hard time I want to know about it," he continued.
"Why would anyone be giving me a hard time?"
"Because you don't talk to anyone, so you're kind of the odd one out."
I couldn't tell if he knew more, knew of my sexuality. It wasn't like it was a secret, that came out last year. My whole town knew, the whole hockey team. And that kind of news spread around the hockey community in our area.
"Just say what you actually want to say," I snapped.
Rojas stared at me for a moment before responding.
"I don't want any hatred or bigotry on our team," he said, staring at me intently. "There's too much of that in the hockey community and it needs to change. And it will not happen under my watch, so if there's anything you need to tell me, I'd appreciate it if you did."
I couldn't tell if he knew something had happened with Cooper or if he really just thought I was being bullied.
"Nothing is going on," I said, gathering my things. "And I have to go."
I stormed out of the library, not bothering to spare Rojas a glance. I took the stairs down to avoid having to stand with anyone in the elevator. Once I was outside, the sun was setting and the temperature outside had turned chilly. The breeze went over my cheeks, surely making them red.
Instead of going back toward my dorm, I walked down the long path that led off campus and walked through the city, down near the water where the air was even cooler.
I was completely alone with my thoughts, staring out at the light that glistened from the water.
I wanted to go back to before I knew Wren, before he got into my head and messed with my thoughts and desires and feelings. Things would be less complicated for me without him. I wouldn't have these desires. I could have just been content with myself. No one else but me.
But Wren had to come along and make me want him, to make me momentarily forget everything that had been instilled in me. And that was what made it feel worse once I came back to my senses. Once I remembered everything my father ever said to me, it made it hurt even worse that I was exactly what he said.
I hadn't worked out yet in my brain that his words didn't matter, that it was okay to be me, okay to let myself want things. To want Wren.
A text came through on my phone. I had been standing outside longer than I had realized and it was completely dark now. I checked my phone and saw a text from Wren.
From: Wren
Want to go for a drive?
I stared at the screen. I didn't know what to say or what to do.
I just stared like an answer would be write itself.
I hoped it would.
**
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