Chapter 32
We fell into such a deep silence that all I could hear was his heavy breathing and my own racing heart.
The sun was setting, and the sky was a kaleidoscope of colors — the same sky I'd been gazing at when he first told me he liked me.
Sa labas 'yon ng university noon kung saan naghihintay kami ng jeep, mga nakaputing uniporme, barya ang nasa bulsa, at parehong wala pang alam sa mundong naghihintay.
A lot of things had really changed.
Ngayon, nasa parking lot kami dahil may sasakyan na siya, nakasuot ng mamahaling damit at sapatos, may mga dolyar sa branded na bag at pitaka, at parehong pinagtibay na ng panahon.
"Don't think about anything, Amari," he said after a long pause. "I know you're over me . . . I'm just shooting my last shot."
Parang may kung anong kumirot sa dibdib ko. Isang tango lang ang nagawa ko bago hinawakan ang door handle. My mind and my heart were arguing about which one of them I should listen to, but my lips were having a hard time saying anything that would make sense.
"Thank you for the ride," was all I could say.
Binuksan ko ang pinto at hindi na naghintay na makababa pa siya. I almost ran to the department to keep him from getting to me. Gusto kong patigilin na siya sa kung ano mang pinaplano niya pero may kung malaking parte sa puso ko ang gustong makita kung ano ang magiging dulo ng ginagawa niya.
This was his last shot. Kaya siguro mas naging makulit siya . . . mas naging diretso at mas naging malambing.
"Mari, dumiretso ka na sa room. The students are waiting," saad ni Ms. Lubrica sa akin nang makita ako. "Si Leon ba?"
I took a deep breath as I forced a smile. "Nagpa-park lang po, ma'am."
"Okay. Nakaset-up na ang projector. Go ahead," she dismissed.
The review was a blur to me. I put everything aside to impart all my knowledge upon the class. Kahit nang maramdaman ko ang pagdaan ni Leon sa room kung saan ako nagtuturo ay pinigilan ko ang mag-isip ng ibang bagay na makakaabala sa akin.
I focused on my work and did it well because I wasn't getting paid to think about my ex-boyfriend, who was having trouble getting over me. Mali talagang sumabay pa ako sa kanya. My productivity would surely collapse if he were around; his words, his being, his presence . . . would distract me.
"Next meeting, we'll have a mock exam that will cover what we discussed today, and then look into an overview of Alfred Adler's Individual Psychology," sabi ko sa klase. "Reading in advance is recommended. Hindi puwedeng umasa lang tayo sa ganitong mga review. You guys have to dig into things yourselves, do you understand?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"I'll send you the relevant files, but remember that not everything I discussed, including the sample scenarios I presented, will be reflected there," dagdag ko pa. "Kaya kailangan n'yong mag-take notes at makinig nang mabuti kapag may nagtuturo."
Nakita kong pumasok si Ms. Lubrica sa likuran ng room, nakangiti at handang panoorin ako.
"Do you have any questions?" I asked the class.
"None po, ma'am," they answered in chorus.
I nodded as I kept my straight face. "Okay, then class is dismissed."
I grabbed my stuff and walked out of the room to get to Ms. Lubrica. Rinig ko pa ang pagbuntong-hininga ng ilang estudyante at ang mga bulungan nila dahil masyado akong diretso at strikta.
I didn't mind it. Marami kasing estudyante ang nag-iingay sa klase kapag wala silang takot sa instructor. I'd rather be strict than have them not learn anything.
"If I were your student, I'd be scared," nangingising saad ni Ma'am habang patulak kami sa faculty room.
"That's the goal, ma'am," tawa ko. "Baka po hindi sila makinig sa 'kin kapag hindi ako naging strikta."
She nodded slowly. "Well, I'm pretty sure your class is direct and informative."
"It is," sagot ko. "The board exam is coming up. They can't afford to waste time."
Bahagya akong napatigil sa paglalakad nang makita si Leon na nakasandal sa dingding at naghihintay na sa labas ng faculty room. Ilang estudyante rin ang bumati sa kanya at tinanguan niya lang naman ang mga ito.
He looked lazy and bored as if he couldn't handle the night anymore.
Ilang estudyante pa ang dumaan sa harap niya, at agad na napataas ang kilay ko nang kausapin niya ang isang babae. It was a student I handled. They talked briefly, and as soon as the girl pointed in my direction, his eyes went right to me.
He straightened up and moved the bridge of his glasses as he watched us approach him. Nag-init naman ang mukha ko nang marinig ang mahinang pagtawa ni Ms. Lubrica. She didn't say anything, but I was sure she saw what that jerk did.
"Kumain muna tayo sa loob. I ordered," sabi ni Ma'am nang tuluyan kaming makarating sa pwesto ni Leon.
Tumango lang ako. I mean, I hadn't eaten dinner yet, and it was already past 8. My stomach was already grumbling in protest. Ramdam ko ang presensya ni Leon sa tabi ko pero hindi ko siya tinapunan ng tingin. We were at work. We should exercise professionalism. Isa pa, ang gutom ko ang gusto kong unahin ngayon . . . hindi ang nararamdaman niya.
Kumuha si Leon ng isang upuan at inilagay iyon sa tapat ng mesa ni Ms. Lubrica. I thought he'd sit there himself, so I pursed my lips when he pulled out another chair. Tinulungan niya rin si Ma'am na ilabas sa supot ang mga pagkain. He placed one of the meals in front of me and then laid the spoon, fork, and tissue next to it.
Parang wala lang sa kanya ang ginagawa. It was like his reflex . . . his nature. Kahit naman kasi noon ay lagi niya akong inaasikaso. Para bang bawal akong kumilos kapag nand'yan siya.
Tahimik akong umupo at hinayaan siyang buksan ang lalagyan ng pagkain para sa 'kin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman. Years had passed, and he still treated me the same way he did in college. Mas mahirap lang na panoorin siyang pagsilbihan ako ngayon lalo at marami na ang nagbago sa amin.
I looked over at Ms. Lubrica, and my heart constricted into a knot of pain when I saw her gazing at Leon with sorrow in her eyes. Sinundan ng mata niya ang pag-aasikaso sa akin ng lalaki na para bang nahahabag siya rito.
I cleared my throat as I dropped my eyes to the food. "I can manage, Mr. Zamora. Thank you."
Marahan kong itinulak ang kamay niya na ngayon ay naglalapag na ng inumin sa gilid ko. Pasimple akong tumingin sa pagkain niya at nakagat ko ang pang-ibabang labi nang makitang hindi niya pa nagagalaw iyon.
"Kumain na tayo. Maaga pa ang trabaho n'yo bukas."
Ipinagpasalamat ko ang pagsasalita ni Ms. Lubrica. Still keeping my silence, I ate everything that was there. May mangilan-ngilang tanong si Ma'am kay Leon at sinubukan kong huwag na lang pagtuunan ng pansin iyon. Hindi ko kasi gusto ang lagay ng dibdib ko. Hearing his voice makes me want to forget about the past and start over with him.
And it was futile. Hindi dapat mahilom ng pag-aalaga niya sa akin ang sugat na iniwan niya. He worked for the people who mistreated me. He teamed up with the people I cried to him about. He accepted help from the people who had wronged the woman he said he loved.
I was on the verge of becoming better . . . I couldn't let him stop me from getting there.
"A master's degree is the next logical step for you, Leon," saad ni Ms. Lubrica. "Many universities and institutions are willing to fund your education completely through your doctorate. 'Wag mong sayangin ang opportunity."
"Wala pa po akong oras, ma'am. I'm working from Monday to Sunday," sagot naman niya.
"That's why I've been telling you to stop working part-time. You have a good-paying job. Hindi mo naman kailangang magturo dito dahil lang ayaw mong ako ang mag-cover no'n." She sighed. "Just reviewing the students is good enough for me, Leon. You don't need to help teach them every weekend because I can do it myself."
Hindi ko alam ang konteksto ng pinag-uusapan nila pero hindi ako tanga para hindi maintindihan 'yon. Leon must be teaching here to help Ms. Lubrica. May shortage kasi rito ng psychology instructors kaya kadalasan ay si Ms. Lubrica lang ang naghahandle sa mga major subjects. Mahirap nga naman kasing magturo ng maraming subject sa iba't ibang section.
"Pagkatapos na lang ng review, ma'am," sagot ng lalaki. "Kaunting units na lang naman po ang i-ta-take ko."
Walang nagawa si Ma'am kung hindi ang tumango. They talked a bit more before she turned to me.
"Ikaw ba, Mari? When do you plan to get your Ph.D.?"
Binitawan ko ang kutsara at tinidor dahil tapos na rin naman akong kumain. I leaned back in my chair and focused my attention on her.
"I'm taking a break, ma'am. Baka po next semester or next year na," sagot ko. "But I've started looking for good universities, and a few of them have already offered me scholarships."
Agad siyang napangiti. "I'm sure you do. You'll bring honor to any university, so this opportunity shouldn't surprise you."
My heart fluttered. "I doubt that, ma'am, but thank you. Mag-e-enroll na po sana ako sa isang university sa Italy kung hindi ako nag-stay rito. I just had to change my plans, but I'll still get that Ph.D. at the end of my name."
I could feel Leon's intense gaze penetrating me, but I chose not to look at him.
So, he really did stop working on his master's degree and take as many jobs as he could. Sayang naman. Madali lang sana sa kanya iyon.
After we ate, we did a little cleaning. I texted Mill to pick me up, and she agreed. Alam niya kasing ngayon ang umpisa ng review kaya gagabihin ako ng uwi.
"Uuna na ako sa inyo, ha? Hindi pa kumakain ang aso ko," pagpapaalam ni Ms. Lubrica.
We bid her goodbye as she gave us a few more reminders about being on time for the review before she left. Tuloy ay kami na lang ni Leon ang natira sa labas ng university. Hindi ko nga alam kung ano pang hinihintay niya. May sasakyan naman siya at pupuwede na siyang umalis.
"Hatid na kita."
Ah, okay. That immediately explains why he's still here.
Umiling ako. "Don't mind me."
"It's getting dark . . ."
"I can see that."
He sighed. "If this has anything to do with what I told you earlier, I won't open it again. I'll take you home without saying a word."
"About that . . ." I looked at him. "Stop, okay?"
I saw how he was taken aback. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat isipin o gawin . . . pero hanggang maaga pa ay kailangan niya nang tumigil. Getting back together with him was out of the question. If I let him do all kinds of things for me . . . baka umasa lang siyang posible pa. We were a closed case. Kailangan naming tandaan 'yon.
"Magkasama tayo sa trabaho," I continued. "I'll let you off the hook for now, but keep in mind that jokes like that can make things awkward."
Dumaan ang sakit sa mata niya ngunit mabilis din iyong nawala. It happened so quickly that I thought it was all just in my head.
Bago pa siya makasagot ay muli akong nagsalita.
"That is the last time I want to hear you say anything funny like that, do you understand?"
He turned his head away, a forced smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
"You found that funny?" he whispered.
My heart throbbed. "Let's just keep our relationship on a professional level. It will be easier that way."
Muli kaming natahimik. Hindi ko alam kung tama 'tong ginagawa ko, pero ayokong sumunod lang lagi sa emosyon ko. Our love was doomed from the start, and the only way to move on was to pretend we didn't share so many beautiful memories together.
"Halika na . . . ihahatid na kita," he said softly. "Don't worry, I won't say anything funny again."
Umiling ako. "May susundo sa 'kin kaya umuna ka na."
I turned to gaze at my feet, but before I could, I caught a glimpse of his closed fist, with veins bulging through his skin.
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin doon. Now I wasn't so sure where to look anymore. Lagi kasing hinihigit ng presensya niya ang mga mata ko.
Sampung minuto kaming walang imik sa isa't isa. Hindi pa rin siya umalis sa tabi ko kahit na sinabi kong may susundo naman sa 'kin. Inisip ko na lang na ginawa niya iyon para makita kung nagsisinungaling ako o hindi.
"Mari!"
Mula sa kabilang kalsada ay narinig ko ang boses ni Mill. I searched all over to see if I could find her, and as soon as I did, a smile formed on my lips.
Lumipad ang tingin niya sa kasama ko. Her brow furrowed almost in an instant, and I could swear that if looks were capable of killing, Leon would be found dead.
"Siya ang susundo sa 'yo?" tanong ni Leon sa akin.
"Yeah . . ."
Hinintay kong makatawid si Mil. Kunot na kunot ang noo niya at masama ang tingin sa lalaki.
"Ba't kasama mo 'yan?" tanong niya, ni walang pakialam kung narinig siya ni Leon.
Pinandilatan ko siya. "Katrabaho ko, Mill, 'di ba?"
"Ano naman? Ang dilim-dilim dito tapos kayong dalawa lang. Baka mamaya kung ano'ng gawin n'yan, eh."
"Mill!" I yelled out.
"I'd never hurt her . . ." singit ni Leon na lalong nagpalisik sa mata ng kaibigan ko.
"Talaga ba, ha?"
Hinawakan ko ang braso niya nang humakbang pa siya palapit dito.
"Millicent, I'm tired. Let's go home," I said.
Hindi nagpatinag ang babae. She was just glaring at Leon as if her anger had finally come out of hiding.
"Sinabi mo rin sa 'kin no'ng graduation 'yan, ah? Sinabi mong hindi mo sasaktan pero ano'ng ginawa mong tanga ka?"
"Mill!" I shouted. "It's done! Get over it!"
"Tigas ng mukha mong lumapit pa kay Mari. Kailangan mo pa bang masapak para maalog 'yang utak mo?"
Out of frustration, I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of there. Naglakad kami palayo kay Leon na higit-higit ko siya. She was sulking, almot throwing a tantrums. Nang tuluyang makalayo ay galit na hinarap ko siya.
"Why are you being irrational?!"
Umirap siya. "Akala ko ba hindi mo na mahal? Ba't kasama mo?"
"Dahil nga magkatrabaho kami! Gaano ba kahirap intindihin 'yon?!" sigaw ko. "At isa pa, hindi ba at ikaw naman ang nagsabi sa 'kin na baka may rason kung ba't nagkita kami ulit?! Get your head straight!"
"Mari, it's only been a month since you started working together! Punyeta, pahirapan mo naman!" sagot niya. "Alam kong mahal mo pa pero 'wag kang magpadalos-dalos. Eh, ni hindi ka nga niya na-contact no'ng nasa Italy ka!"
Nag-iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya nang tinamaan ako sa huling sinabi niya.
"I don't understand you, Mill. One time you were totally on board with my so-called feelings for him, and now you're freaking out over nothing."
She heaved a sigh. "Mari, my point is that you shouldn't be so soft on him."
"Oh, god! I just turned him down by saying that his feelings were a joke, okay? I'm not soft on him!"
Napatigil siya. "Totoo?"
"Yes!" I answered.
"Then, good job. As much as possible, layuan mo. Ipakita mong wala ka nang pakialam. See if he'll chase you. See if he'll care." She grinned. "If he didn't, good riddance. If he did, you can let your guard down and give in to your feelings."
"Hindi ko na nga mahal, Mill . . ."
Hindi ko alam kung ilang beses ko nang sinabi 'yon at hindi ko alam kung ano ang gusto kong patunayan. Maybe it was just my way of protecting my ego. Hindi ko kasi kayang tanggapin na may natitira pa . . . na may maliit pa rin siyang parte sa puso ko.
"Okay, sige na. Hindi mo na mahal." Isang hakbang siyang lumapit sa akin at iniangkla ang kamay ko sa braso niya. "Basta dahan-dahan. Things that are rushed usually end badly, and after everything you've been in, you don't deserve to cry over him again. Kung may iiyak man sa dulo . . . hindi na ikaw 'yon."
That same night, I thought about what she said and let them seep into my chest. Hindi ko nga alam kung dapat ba akong makinig sa kanya gayong madalas namang magkaiba ang opinyon namin tungkol sa mga ganitong bagay.
But then, what she said struck a chord in my being.
Sa relasyon namin ni Leon . . . I wonder who cried longer, who cried more, who cried harder.
Puno ng luha ang mata niya noon nang umalis siya sa apartment. Maybe his choice might have hurt him, too. He did what a son and a brother would do. At kung ako ang nasa posisyon niya, baka ganoon din ang gawin ko. I'd probably risk him for my friends, too. Ano ba naman 'yong isuko ang isang tao para sa kalagayan ng mga mahal mo, 'di ba?
"Amari's over me, Thaddeus."
That was the first thing I heard as I was about to enter our office. Napatigil tuloy ako sa pintuan dala ng kuryosidad. I was an hour early today because I couldn't bring myself to sleep . . . I didn't know Leon was here already.
"I took your advice. I've been vocal and expressive. I didn't hold back. I just did what I wished I'd done for her all these years we haven't been together . . ."
I clenched my fist and tried not to have any emotional reaction to that. Ngayon ko lang siya narinig na magkwento sa kaibigan niya tungkol sa akin.
"Nahihiya ako sa kanya, Thaddeus."
He chuckled, but I was sure it was a fake one.
"Sabi na, eh. Dapat hindi ko na sinubukan. She's doing well on her own. She's thriving, beautiful, and strong-willed. Sana wala na lang akong ginawa. Baka lalo lang akong layuan."
There was a long pause before he spoke again.
"I don't know. Lie low?" he muttered. "Nahihiya rin ako sa kaibigan niya. I promised her I'd take care of Amari. I promised her I wouldn't hurt her . . . but I didn't keep my word."
He heaved a sigh that seemed to squeeze my chest tighter. Though his tone was casual, his words were loaded with emotion and sadness.
"Hindi ko talaga alam, Thaddeus. I wish I could just call Nanay and ask her. She's always got the best advice."
Agad na dinaga ang dibdib ko sa sinabi niya, ngunit hindi pa iyon tuluyang napoproseso ng utak ko ay muli siyang nagsalita.
"What's more to lose? I'll just wear myself out and give it all I've got until I'm done." Mahina siyang tumawa. "Easy for you to say I should move on. Try it in Shaira, and then we'll talk. You know I can't love anyone else but Amari."
For some reason, I felt tears clouding my eyes.
Bakit ganito si Leon? I was purposely hurting and avoiding him . . . hindi niya na dapat ako mahal.
I sent him out the door of our apartment at the crack of dawn, even though he was only wearing thin clothes. I threw him his luggage! Hindi niya ba naaalala 'yon? He lost so much strength in his hand that he couldn't pick up his jacket that I flung on the floor!
Nasaktan ko na siya. Nasaktan niya na 'ko. I've given up hope for us, so what the hell is stopping him from doing the same?! Hindi dapat ganito katindi ang pagmamahal niya sa 'kin. He should stop because I could never shrug off our past.
"She'll be here in 30. Mag-aayos muna ako."
Tumalikod ako sa pinto at naglakad papunta sa cafeteria para bumili ng tubig. Kumikirot ang dibdib ko dahil alam kong walang ibang magmamahal sa akin katulad ni Leon. And yet, being with him would be a constant battle for my head and heart.
Umakyat lang ako limang minuto bago ang simula ng trabaho ko. I even ran into Paolo in the cafeteria, but he was so busy that we didn't talk much. Nasa sariling mesa na si Leon at gaya ng nakasanayan kong makita tuwing umaga ay nagbabasa na siya ng mga dokumento.
"Good morning, Ms. Mendoza," bati niya nang makita ako.
Gone was the talkative Leon who was just ranting at his best friend.
"Good morning," sagot ko. "We have a patient in two hours referred by Dr. Manzano. Have you checked the report?"
"Yes. Good prognosis."
Tumango ako. "She's an in-patient subjected to discharge. I need the results of the tests she took printed out in 15."
He stood up, preparing to follow my orders.
"Send me her mental health history after that. We'll also have our scheduled counseling sessions within the hospital later. How many signed up and in what department?"
"Two nurses," agap niya. "Both are scheduled for the afternoon."
"Okay. I'll be setting up long-term plans for counseling with three of the patients we saw last week. Are you done scoring their evaluations?" I asked. "And, have you done inventory checks on the needed forms and tools? No shortages?"
Bahagya siyang natulala sa akin bago tumango. "The evaluations are on your desk. And yes, I did an inventory check yesterday before leaving."
He was so passionate about his job. If not for my license, he could have easily gotten the upper hand. Ngayon ngang psychometrician pa lang ang lisensya niya ay maganda na ang posisyon niya. Just imagine if he shared my credentials.
Gusto kong itanong ang tungkol kay Tita Leah. Why couldn't he call her . . . and what exactly happened. May naiisip akong sagot sa mga tanong ko pero parang hindi ko matanggap. I've never thought about that until now. And if my gut feeling was right, I wouldn't dare imagine what Leon had been through.
"You'll have a long day . . ." mahinang sabi niya. "Do you want green tea?"
Matigas ang pag-iling ko. Accepting tea from him wouldn't be so professional, right?
"Why not check the progress of my office? Hindi pa rin ba tapos ang renovation?" tanong ko.
Ibinagsak niya ang tingin sa mga papel sa mesa niya. "Gusto mo nang lumipat?"
"Doon naman talaga dapat ako, 'di ba?"
He nodded. "Check ko mamaya."
As if in a hurry, he gathered all the documents, and since there was a lot on his table, his knuckles bumped into his picture frame, causing it to fall to the floor.
Kasabay ng pagkabasag ng salamin noon ay ang panunuyo ng lalamunan ko dahil agad kong nakilala ang naroon.
A two-photo collage of me and Tita Leah.
One was when Tita Leah was smiling at the camera and their store in the wet market was in the background. The other was my current Facebook profile picture, which was taken when I was wearing a toga to celebrate getting my master's degree.
"Please go inside your office," he said, his eyes on the frame. "And please . . . don't ask me to remove this."
Huminga ako nang malalim, pinipilit na huwag makaramdam ng kaunting tuwa sa nakita. "Why that picture?"
Mukha siyang nagulat sa tanong ko pero nang mag-angat siya ng tingin sa akin ay mapungay naman ang mga mata niya.
"Because it could have been us. I could have been there with you. I could have been the one behind the camera," he replied with such softness in his voice.
Hindi ako nakasagot lalo at naramdaman ko ang pagtama ng pangungulila sa puso ko.
"I chose that picture because I could have had the loudest clap among the crowd when your name was called . . . I could have been the one you'd run to after receiving your diploma . . . I could have been there, hugging and telling you how proud I was of you."
The sides of his lips curled a bit.
"As your rival, I admit defeat . . ."