One Year Ago
It's not the ringing of the bell that informs me of Charlie's arrival. It's the way my hands grow clammy and my heart gallops like it's in a race and is determined to win. It's the way tiny zaps of electricity dance over my skin and my hair stand on end. But the biggest giveaway any time she walks into a room is the way something deep in my core tightens. It's like there is a part of me that recognizes the importance of who Charlie is.
Lifting my head from the article mom sent, I soak in everything about her as they make their way over to where I am. Even through the pain I've dealt her, Charlie still finds it in her to gift others with her warmth and make them feel seen. It's one of the very many things I love about her and I'm glad to see she didn't let me damage that part of her, too.
I stand as they get closer and wait until they're seated before passing their drinks to them.
The smiles I used to get from them are no longer present and it's just something else I've lost in this shitshow I've made of my life.
Charlie grabs her phone, fiddles with the screen, and then sets it on the table.
When I glance down and see the timer counting down. Peering back up at her, I'm startled by the blank expression she aims at me.
I'd expect it coming from Amelia, but it's not something I'm used to seeing on Char. Mom told me that my betrayal would change Charlie and I run my eyes over her, taking in every small detail. It only takes a few seconds to spot them. She's tried hard to hide it, but her eyes have a bruised look under them and they're full of pain. Her pale face appears thinner, her jawbones more pronounced, and I didn't miss the weight she's lost in just a few days, either. Those are just the outward appearances though, and I'm so fucking scared of the changes on the inside of her.
"Are you going to sit here and stare at me or are you going to get to the reason you asked to meet me? Your time is running out."
"I'm going to do both," I answer quietly, taking a sip of my coffee and leaning back in the seat. "I promised I would let you know when I got the results of my test." I drop my eyes to the spot that I'm picking at with my fingers because I'm unable to look her in the eye when I tell her. "I have Chlamydia."
Charlie's hand smacks the table, and my eyes jerk up to clash with hers. "You don't get to look away from me when you give them to me. Man the fuck up, Keaton, and look me in the eye when you tell me. It's the least of what you owe me."
I nod, straightening in my seat and pulling my shoulders tight. My fingers squeeze around my cup as I fight the need to look away. "I have Chlamydia."
This. This pain that fills her eyes is the reason I was fucking terrified to look into them when I told her. I'm a coward who can't handle knowing I've damaged something with such a beautiful soul.
"I'm sorry, Charlie," I whisper with burning cheeks.
"What are you sorry for, Keaton? Dating someone else while with me? Fucking someone else while with me? Catching a damn sexually transmitted disease? Which part are you sorry for?"
"All of it. But Char, I swear to you, I wasn't dating her. Not intentionally. I would have never done that to you. If I were conscious of what was happening, I would have walked away. I swear to you, I would have walked away, baby," I implore, wanting nothing more than to reach out and touch her.
Her watery laugh and the disbelief in her eyes reach into my chest and squeeze my heart tightly.
"You walked away, Keaton. But then you went back to her as soon as you could, so pardon me for not believing a damn word out of your mouth. For some reason, you can't stay away from her and I'm not dealing with it anymore. Especially after you've fucked her. I warned you so many times. Shoot, everybody warned you about her, but you ignored us or brushed them off. You wanted her so you don't give a shit about what anyone had to say about her, including your fucking girlfriend. Somewhere inside, you knew exactly what you were doing, even if you tried to tell yourself something different. Tell me something, Carr."
"Yes, anything."
"Was it worth it? Was she worth it? The time that you spent with her, the relationship you had with her, the feelings you had for her...were they worth losing me and our relationship? Did you get out of it whatever you were missing from me?"
That she even thinks that kills me and I know that I'm the only one to blame for it. I've made her question everything she ever known about me and our relationship and the love I have for her.
"No," I answer quietly, holding eye contact with her, hoping she can read the truth in mine. "She will never be worth what I lost."
My phone goes off with a text message alert and when I glance down, I realize that it's flipped so it's face down. I don't even remember when I started doing that and I can't even remember why. It's not like I've ever shared inappropriate messages with Rianna, so there was never a reason to hide anything. Charlie has always been uncomfortable with her. Maybe that's why I did it, so that if she did message me, then Charlie wouldn't have to see it and become uneasy.
After all, I wasn't doing anything wrong. At least that's what I was always telling myself. I was just a boyfriend trying to protect his girlfriend's feelings.
Fuck, I sound like a selfish fucking asshole.
The only thing I was trying to protect was my damn ego, apparently.
It's a message from the therapist's office confirming my appointment for next week. I reply with 'C' to confirm it and then sit it face up. Charlie's eyes drop to it and I can tell she's reading over the message when her eyes widen a fraction.
"When I promised you I'd fix this, Charlie, I truly meant it. That means doing whatever I need to fix this. Mom helped me some, but I came up with a list to get me started and therapy was number one. I can't give you answers if I don't know them and I'm still struggling to figure out my reasons," I admit quietly.
Not wanting to keep anything from her anymore, I pull up the messages that Rianna sent earlier and I turn my phone in her direction. "She messaged me earlier."
Charlie slowly reaches out and grabs the phone, her teeth nibbling on her bottom lip like she's not sure if it's something she really wants to do. "Why are you showing me these now?"
"Because I'm not keeping anything from you anymore. I know we're not together and I don't blame you for that, but I'm still going to be open and honest with you."
Her eyes roam my face, looking for any hint of deception, but I have nothing else to hide, so I keep myself open to her search.
"It won't help, Keaton. It's too late," she says quietly. "I needed this from you before you cheated on me."
I reach out to touch her hand, but my brain kicks in before I close the distance. Grinding my teeth, I squeeze it into a fist and rest it on the table between us. "You'll eventually tire of me saying it, but I'm sorry, Char. For you, it may be too late, but you're always going to be my heart and I ain't ever giving up on that. So, even if it is too late, I'm still not stopping to do what I need to do. It's not just for you, though. I've got to do this for myself because I don't like the person I am right now. For the first time in all of my twenty-two years, I can't look myself in the mirror because when I do, all I see is the guy that broke your heart and destroyed our love."
The thing with Charlie is she's never hidden her thoughts or feelings from me. After she found me with Rianna, she shut me out and I fucking hated it, even though I knew I was the only one to blame. So, the fact that she's leaving herself open in one of her most vulnerable times to let me witness all the pain she carries inside her from my actions, flays the skin from my body leaving nothing behind but a bleeding skeleton with a heart that beats only for her.
Charlie says nothing about what I've said, just nods and drops her eyes to the phone she's holding tightly in her hand.
Amelia leans her head against Charlie's and reads along with her. While they're doing that, I lean back in my seat and soak in every detail of Charlie. I don't know how long it'll be before I get the chance to be in front of her like this again and I want to get my fill to hold me over on the cold, lonely nights.
I watch their bodies stiffen and I know they got to the part where she admitted to giving me Chlymadia on purpose.
While the rage in their eyes is nice to see, I don't need it. It's my own stupid fault.
"Dude. This bitch is fucking psychotic. Straight up. She admits to doing it on purpose," Amelia exclaims, forgetting in the heat of the moment that she's pissed off at me, too.
"Yeah," I agree.
Charlie wants to say something and I know from familiarity that it's to stick up for me, but because of the subject, she's not going to. Instead, she passes the phone back to me, carefully keeping her fingers from touching mine.
"I'm glad you're getting treatment and that you've finally been smart and blocked her. I want to say that I'm sorry you've been subjected to someone like her, but I just don't have it in me to be polite Charlie, right now."
She shoves on Amelia's shoulder to get her scoot out of the way, and I don't miss the glassy sheen to her eyes.
"Hey, Charlie," I say softly, halting her progress. "Is there anything specific you want me to work on in therapy? I'm already doing no contact and I'm reading any articles I come across that deal with infidelity. I've got a journal to detail everything so I can try to figure this out and I'm staying open and honest with you. But is there anything anything you need to see from me now?"
Charlie shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I can't do this with you. Not right now. I'm not sure if I'll ever be because even though I know it's real, this talk just makes it even more real."
I lean my forearms on the table, getting as close to her as I'm allowed. "I know it's fucking selfish of me to ask, but do you think you'd be up to doing couple counseling with me? It doesn't have to be at any of my next appointments, but maybe soon?"
"What's the point, Carr? We're split up, so I'm not sure what it would do now. I just told you I'm not ready to talk about it with you, why would you assume I'd be ready to talk to anyone else about it?" she says, making Amelia climb to her feet so she can scoot out of the booth."
"I understand. Would you maybe think about it?"
Charlie nods before squeezing Amelia's arm and murmuring something to her before walking off.
Amelia turns her attention to me and her narrowed eyes warn me that her bark was about to turn into a bite. "You keep hearing her speak, Keaton, but you're not fucking listening. She told you she wasn't ready to talk about it. You just keep pushing her, anyway. You've already fucked up as big as you could. What do you think is going to happen when you finally push her off the edge she's balancing so precariously on?" She glances over her shoulder to look at Charlie, who has stopped to talk to an elderly couple that I'm pretty sure works in the mess hall. Then she turns back to me. "Do you know that every single night I have to sit outside my bathroom door and listen to her cry? She tries to be quiet all curled up in the bathtub, but she can't always keep her fucking chest from cracking open and letting out the sobs trapped inside. She doesn't know that I sit out there and cry with her so that she's not alone. Do you know what that's like, Keaton?"
I can probably count on one hand the amount of times, I've ever seen tears in Amelia's eyes and to know that it's my butterfly's pain in the ones that fill them now...well that fucks me up in ways I can't comprehend.
"Do you know what it's like to see someone that's normally so strong and so happy, so fucking broken curled into a ball in the bottom of an empty bathtub? I do, Keaton. And let me tell you something...it's one of the most heartbreaking things I've ever witnessed. So, the next time you think about pushing her when she tells you she's not ready, try to imagine what I see every damn night. Stop being so selfish, man. Fix yourself and let her go so that maybe one day she doesn't have to wake up in the bottom of a fucking bathtub."
My blurry eyes fall to the beautiful figure standing on the other side of the room. I watch her flit from person to person, finding it inside herself to give them a piece of her. She smiles so brightly that you can only tell how fake it is if you're as familiar with her as I am. They all flash their teeth back at her as they bask in the sunshine she sprinkles on them.
If you look closely enough, you can see the cracked pieces of her that are held together with glue.
Without taking my eyes off her, I give Amelia my agreement with a nod and I know she understands because she whispers a watery "thank you" before grabbing Charlie and pulling her out of the cafe with her.
I sit there for a few more minutes staring at the empty doorway that they walked out of before climbing to my feet, shoving my hands into my pocket, and making my way out of the cafe and to my apartment.
Image after image of Charlie in the bottom of a bathtub follows me on the trek to my place. They haunt me until I have to stop so that I can throw up the shit that's been roiling in my gut the moment I got my results.
Karma is really coming for me because Rianna is standing outside of my fucking apartment complex, pacing back and forth. When she lifts her head, she smiles at me and hurries over to me. When she tries to wrap her arms around me, I step out of the way and watch her stumble.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I snarl.
Her brows draw together. "But..."
"No fucking buts. I told you to stay the fuck away from me. Where does that mean for you to show up at my apartment?"
Rianna waves her hand in the air, brushing away my words. "You didn't mean it, baby. I know you're just mad because of what I did. But you're okay. They're giving you medicine, right? So you'll be good in a couple of weeks."
I take another step back, rub my forehead, and shake my head as I try to make sense of her words. "You're a real piece of work, Rianna. Get this through your head. I don't want to see or hear you again. I absolutely despise both of us. You told Charlie that I was yours and that I didn't want her anymore. I've never been yours. I've always been hers and even if she never takes me back, I'll still be hers."
"No. Stop saying that. It's not true." She grabs her hair in both hands and pulls. "You love me. You want to be with me? That's why you were always with me. That's why you gave me three years of friendship. You knew we'd be together, baby. I made you laugh and smile, and I didn't fight with you. That's what you wanted."
Her words are a record that she plays over and over, no matter how many times I tell her it's the wrong soundtrack. There are pieces of her that don't quite fit right and I've never really noticed it until I was forced to open my eyes.
"Rianna, I need you to listen to me, because this is the last time I'm going to say anything at all to you. If you don't leave me alone, then I'll have no choice but to force you."
She doesn't say anything, but I know my words have penetrated because I can see her eyes doing some kind of scary shit behind them. But I'm tired and my skin is so tight from being in her presence that I need to get away. I want to scrub my fucking body and erase the grimy feeling of her hands ever being anywhere on it.
"Rianna," I call over my shoulder. Her eyes brighten a little when she looks at me, but when I smirk, they darken again. "Did you know that it's illegal to maliciously give someone a sexually transmitted disease?" My smile widens at the panic that fills her eyes. "Yep. Carries a misdemeanor charge. Ain't that something?"
Her shriek grates against my ears as I head into my place, but it sure in the hell makes me smile. At least until I get inside and am bombarded by memories of Charlie. If Rianna doesn't leave me alone and continues to show up here, then I'm going to have to move and that's the last thing I want. This apartment is the last thing I have that holds memories of Charlie. If I lose this place, then I lose the last pieces of her I've got to hold on to.
After the speech from Amelia, I fucking need this place because I'm going to need the familiar comfort as I fight my way through this long redemptive journey I'm about to embark on.