"Who's this?" Kim asked as soon as he saw the middle aged man sitting inside his apartment. Big glanced down on the floor for a moment before answering.
"That's Doctor Park he's a top psychologist in the field, especially with..." he fidgeted uncomfortably behind Kim
"...Emotional trauma response" he ended.
"Why's he here?" Kim calmly spoke, but the edge in his voice made the other bodyguards flinch, and Big turned his gaze to the floor.
"Your Brother, master Kinn-"
"Kinn?" Kim scoffed, not believing him for even a second.
"Kinn arranged this?" Did they take him for a fool? He scoffed again.
"Lies" his cold voice sounded and Big didn't dare make eye contact with him.
"Who? Tankhun?" Kim pushed on, staring Big down, despite their little height difference.
"You want a list?" Big spat back who, despite his words, was still uncomfortable.
Kim didn't say anything and took a step back from Big, still looking his way. Clever of them to get the psychologist while he was out.
"Forget it. I don't need therapy" and he took a step towards the apartment door "try my psycho cousin though",
Big stepped in front of the door, stopping right in front of Kim "He's already seeing a psychiatrist at the hospital"
Kim only looked taken aback for a moment. "Interesting," he muttered.
When he didn't move, Big spoke
"I'm sorry, but they ordered"
"What's going to happen if I don't comply? How are you going to stop me with a cast?" Kim smugly asked, while Big only began to pull out a file, holding it out to Kim
"Master Kinn sends his apologies," Kim looked down at the file, reaching out when he saw the name 'Dr. Park'
"while Master Tankhun hopes you'll see this as an opportunity to open up 22 years of bottled-up emotions" he let out a deep breath
"He booked a double session, knowing you would be skeptical."
"And the more you try and fake you don't need it, Dr. Park will know" he added and Kim didn't say anything but stepped away from Big.
"Just try, and if it doesn't work, no one will bother you again" Big persuaded on Tankhun and Kinn's behalf.
"Okay. But make the other bodyguards leave. It's a private thing, right?"
Big let out a sigh but nodded, and soon the only people left in the apartment were Kim, Big, and Dr. Park.
Kim sat down on the couch in front of Dr. Park who had his notepad ready. He was like Kim, rather relaxed, controlled but warmer than Kim was. Then Kim turned to Big
"Did they order you to listen?" He asked. Big tried to stay calm, unwavering. "They didn't want to risk you running off"
"I could run off now if I wanted to, but I'm not." Kim threw back. "My business is my business. Go wait on the balcony or outside the apartment" Big hesitantly went to the balcony. That way he would be able to keep an eye on him still. Kim already felt more relaxed, yet not at all. Did they really expect him to open up to a stranger?
Stupid.
"So Kim" Park started out. "You don't believe you need therapy?"
"No" he coldly replied
"Why?"
"Because I'm okay. I don't see what's wrong with me" he paused for a moment
"I know they think I shut down my emotions but I don't." Kim calmly answered. He was okay. He was just in control of his emotions. He knew to be rational about things. Push his feelings aside when necessary.
"Why do they think you shut them down? Are there any specific episodes during childhood or any recent?"
Kim didn't answer and looked down at the file in his hand. "Would it make you feel more comfortable if you knew all about me?" Dr. Park asked, looking over at the file. Kim looked up at the man. Patience was all he saw. The man was patient.
Why was he so patient and relaxed? When Kim sat with his whole life in his hands?
"You don't mind that I have this?" Kim asked him, holding up the file.
"If it makes it easier for you to open up about your past, by knowing mine, well, go for it"
Kim thought for a moment, glancing down at the file and then up at Park again.
"I'll trust my brothers for now." He then threw the file onto the coffee table
"They might be stupid at times, but they have their moments" Dr. Park nodded. Kim wasn't sure why though. "We don't have to talk about your feelings if you don't want to. We can talk about anything that'll make you feel comfortable"
"I don't think I'll feel comfortable no matter what"
"Why not? Do you dislike opening up to people in general? Or is it because it's emotions?"
"I don't like when people can read me. I don't like it when people can figure out who I am, and predict how I'm going to react"
"Do you fear it'll be used against you?" Kim fell silent for a moment. He hated what he was doing to the people around him. Manipulation.
"Yes"
"Why?"
"Why? Because if people can get into your head, you're dead. People can find your weakness and use it against you"
"Make you act irrationally, or on your feelings, right?" Kim leaned back in his seat, hand by his mouth, eyes staring suspiciously at Dr. Park. "I don't like the way you finish my sentences"
"My apologies. I'll let you speak freely. I'm just trying to help you realize what you're saying, well what you might be feeling"
"And what would that be? What would I be feeling?"
"You want me to take a guess?"Kim nodded "Yes, give your best shot" Dr. Park let out a deep breath before Leaning back in his chair. "Okay."
"You believe you're in control of your emotions because you don't act nor react to them because you ignore them and shove them somewhere they'll never be seen. You like to know people's true intentions, read them like a book to see if you can trust them."
"You believe feelings make you weak. That reacting to them, letting them show, is a sign of weakness"
"Sure you can smile, show frustration, anger, happiness, but it's so little you believe people can't tell how intensely you are actually feeling these emotions" Kim didn't say anything, nor did his face show any obvious sign of being surprised, but he was. They both knew he was taken aback, and perhaps a little scared of what Park had said. As said, Kim didn't like when people could read him.
"Why do I need therapy for that?" He asked, "why do I need therapy for shoving away my emotions, and not reacting to them?"
"Why do you believe you are alright, shoving all these feelings away?"
Kim was silent again, turning his head lazily. "Because I don't hurt people, and I don't hurt myself. I can control what I let hurt me, I can react rationally and not let my emotions blind me" Park didn't say anything and Kim didn't like the look on his face as he listened. It was obvious, to him, Kim needed therapy.
"You don't trust people"
No shit.
"You like to believe that by shoving your emotions away you can look objectively at people and pick who is most valuable, not because you like them, but because you know their skills, what they want"
"I don't see how that's a bad thing"
"It is when you hurt those around you by treating them as if they're machines" Kim scoffed "well, I'm sorry if I like to make a dream team when I could die in no time" Dr. Park leaned forward
"That's not the issue. The issue is when it comes to your family, friends" Kim's heart dropped to the floor.
Porchay.
It was all that came to mind. Porchay.
"Would you like to share?" Park asked, noting how lost in thought Kim became.
"No" a cold answer sounded. "That's fine, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
"We're burning it" Kim corrected him, piquing Park's interest, as he wrote it down in his notepad. "How much time is left?" Kim asked
"Did we hit an episode?" Dr. Park asked. Kim didn't answer as they both knew the answer was Yes.
"There's still plenty of time left" Park spoke after a while of silence
"I suppose I should have you sign this while I remember" Dr. Park added, pulling a piece of paper from his jacket, and handing it to Kim. It was a client confidentiality contract.
"Once you've signed, I can't share anything you say here to anyone else without permission from you, the client"
Kim leaned back in his seat again "What about my brothers? Aren't they supposed to know what's going on? Since they hired you?"
"Technically, but again, the one I've been sent to treat as a client, is you"
"So, unless I give permission, my brothers, who wanted this, can't get updates on how I'm doing?" Dr. Park shook his head "they can't" and Kim pulled out a pen, and signed the paper without hesitation, giving it back to Dr. Park. "Now Kim, there's something I would like to know about you" Kim stiffened in his seat, "What?"
"How does it feel to live alone?"
"Fine," Kim answered without a second thought. "It's fine," but there was a slight shrug that told Park it wasn't. "It's quiet, peaceful" Kim continued. "Freeing?" Park asked,
"Yes" he replied with a small smile "It's freeing, and it's needed from that kind of family"
"You've always had a tough relationship with your family?" Kim went silent for a moment, thinking.
"Not really. Our family is not like the average family, so" he ended with a shrug. Their family wasn't normal at all, but Kim had since long ago accepted that.
"Did you move out because of that?" Kim didn't answer for a moment, he looked outside, eyes falling on Big, reminding him of the Main mansion It's not home.
"Or is it something else?"
"I just wanted my privacy" Kim coldly answered "That's all" but his heart beating just slightly faster than before.
"So how's your relationship with your family now?"
"Well my brothers just sent me to therapy so," he said with a sarcastic smile, and when Park didn't say anything he continued "I go home once in a while" "But even then, do you talk about what's happening in your life?" Kim fell quiet, not knowing what to respond with
"No" he just answered "Then why go home?" And Kim shut down.
Why?
Why go home?
Because you need to find dirt on someone. Because you need answers to questions no one would willingly answer. Because you need to be one step ahead of your father. Because people won't tell the truth. You need to act fine, and you need to act okay, because the moment you don't, the moment you let your emotions take over, you lose.
"Business" he replied, but he was not there mentally. He was zoning out, stuck somewhere in his mind he hadn't been in a long time.
"Doesn't it make you feel... alone?" Kim took a deep breath in and exhaled. "I'm fine" Dr. Park stared at him for a moment.
"There's something so tragic about being so smart, yet so lonely" he spoke, and Kim shot up from his seat, walking behind the couch. When Big began to move to the door, afraid Kim was running away, he simply put up a hand to signal he wasn't. Big stayed by the door while Kim rested his arms on the back of the couch, taking in a deep breath.
His heart was beating faster and his throat was closing up.
Why did that sentence affect him so much?
"I'm fine," he spoke, staying calm, but he was facing the couch, instead of Dr. Park.
"There's a lot to unpack Kim, but it seems our session is over for today"
"Okay," Kim spoke, after taking a deep breath, and gestured for Big to come inside "Please escort Dr. Park out"
"I suppose you and my brothers will figure out the future sessions" Kim commented, still leaning on the back of the couch.
Why wouldn't his heart calm down?
"Yes, most likely. Same time, same place next week, I believe" Dr. Park replied, and Kim nodded silently, still lost somewhere.
"But if they ask about today" he started out, then paused for a while "Don't tell them anything" "Of course" Park replied with a smile, and Big escorted him out to the other bodyguards. Kim turned to the balcony windows, back leaning on the couch.
Big returned to the apartment to announce they were leaving to report to the main family, "Kim, sir" Kim didn't react though.
"Sir?" He asked again, walking closer to him "Are you alright?"
"I know it's-" Kim turned, grabbing Big's hair, forcing his head backward, his other hand grabbing his throat. Big didn't say anything, out of shock, and out of fear, it would escalate the situation. The hand in his hair was removed, but Kim kept a tight grip on his neck.
He didn't say anything either, but it was clear he was unraveling underneath his controlled facade.
"I'm fine, and don't you tell my brothers anything but that" he spoke in a low and angry voice. Big couldn't do anything but nod as his throat closed up.
"And don't ever talk that casually to me, understood?" Big nodded again, and Kim let go of him.